Litost

2010-04-30T00:15:00.001+08:00

What are you most afraid of?

Disappointing my loved ones.
That's what.
Self-destruction while I'm on this topic.

2009-10-10T01:06:00.000+08:00

I feel sad.

2009-05-15T01:06:00.002+08:00

Friendships - Gained and Lost

Sometimes in Life,
We gotta take a step back and re-evaluate,
Our priorities in Life.
Essentially,
Every man is an island,
No one is truly altruistic.

For me,
Friendship is of paramount importance.
Loyalty and Brotherhood shapes the person that I am today.
That's why I feel extremely bothered, concerned and ultimately,
Saddened,
When I project into the future,
And all I see are friendships being tested and lost.
I will try my best and ensure that my bleak assessment don't materialise.
While it will may be inevitable,
That bonds may not be as strong as before,
With each passing phase of Life,
The basis on which our friendships are forged,
Should not be forgotten and left to dissipate.

I can only hope,
And do my best.

Sometimes,
Adversity can bring out the best or worst of a person.
We shall see.
It shouldn't be that fragile,
But Reality is harsh.
We gotta accept that.

2009-03-09T00:01:00.001+08:00

It'll be weird...

This phrase keeps haunting me,
Like an albatross that refuses to go away.

2009-02-02T22:06:00.002+08:00

Signs

Sometimes,
In Life,
We gotta learn how to read signs.
Learning how to read signs is just the start.
Following the signs you have read from random events and/or quotes,
Are quite another matter altogether.
It requires courage at times.
It requires foolishness sometimes.
It requires another sign for you to follow the first sign most of the time.
Stop thinking.
Stop deliberating.
Stop being wishy-washy.
Just do it!
Are you afraid to be the same in valour,
As you are in words?

2009-01-13T18:47:00.008+08:00

The Rose

Some say love it is a river,
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor,
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger,
An endless, aching need.

I say love it is a flower,
And you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking,
That never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taking,
Who cannot seem to give;
And the soul afraid of dying,
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely,
And the road has been too long.
And you think that love is only,
For the lucky and the strong;
Just remember in the winter,
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun's love,
In the spring, becomes the rose.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;
What is essential is invisible to the eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To me,
You are still nothing more than a little boy,
Who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys.
And I have no need of you.
And you,
On your part,
Have no need of me.
To you,
I am nothing more than a fox,
Like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But if you love me,
Then we shall need each other.
To me,
You will be unique in all the world.
To you,
I shall be unique in all the world.

If you love me,
It will be as if the sun came to shine on my life.
You have hair like the color of gold.
Think how wonderful that will be when you love me!
The grain,
Which is also golden,
Will bring me back the thought of you.
And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're lovely,
But you're empty.
One couldn't die for you.
Of course an ordinary passerby would think,
My rose looks just like you.
But my rose,
All on her own,
Is more important than you altogether.
Since she's the one I've watered.
Since she's the one I put under glass.
Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen.
Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars
(except for two or three for butterflies).
Since's she the one I listened to when she complained,
Or when she boasted,
Or even sometimes when she said nothing at all.
Since she's my rose.

You risk tears if you let yourself be loved.
But one will only ever understand what one loves.
You are responsible for your rose.
It is the time you have wasted on your rose,
That makes your rose so important.

You become responsible,
Forever,
For whom you have loved.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes the desert beautiful,
Is that somewhere it hides a well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2009-01-03T11:38:00.002+08:00

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot

Life is one big circle and one big irony,
Where we go one big round,
And find that our end point was actually our starting point,
And realising that it's the journey that matters afterall.

Fate is one big inexplicable ferris wheel,
Where we peer out of transparent glass panes,
And wished we were somewhere else,
With someone else,
Yet deep down,
We knew we are already where we wanted to be,
Our links to people pre-destined,
And that all things happen for a reason.

Love is.....
The moment of stark unadulterated joy of freedom.
The moment where the river finally meets the sea,
After meandering an arduous journey across chiselled terrains.
The moment wintry frost melts with Spring's infancy.
The moment where time stood still,
And we are encased and entrapped in an endearing cocoon,
Safe, snug and secure.
The moment where their eyes met and they both knew,
And everyone else disappeared.
The moment where he smiled in his heart,
And she smiled a seraphic resplendent smile in return.
The moment we decide to take a plunge,
A leap of faith into invariable depths of hurt, loss and pain,
Just to love someone.

2008-12-26T17:57:00.000+08:00

MMG

n_n

2008-11-28T01:53:00.002+08:00

Getting Old

I can feel it.
It started with the strained arm and shoulder on Sunday.
It's continuing with the badly sprained leg today.

Age is catching up.
A third of my life has passed by,
Resigned to mere recollection of memories of yester-years.

For all the meandering and drifting,
I have faith that the river will reach the sea eventually.

There may be questions,
There may be doubts,
Faith and trust will glow brighter with time.

Trust Thyself,
Every Heart Vibrates To That Iron String

2008-11-03T23:15:00.002+08:00

Tapas

It was a good session.
To be able to say what I felt,
To listen to what you feel.

We all make choices in life.
Just dont understand why we cant replicate it in any business endeavours.
I feel it's risky,
You dont.
Belief.
Confidence.
That's all that matters, isnt it?
And of coz,
Passion.

It's also sad to get the feeling that friendships,
Despite all these years of nuturing,
Trials and tribulations,
Is so fucking fragile.

Yet,
I'm the romantic sort.
I think that,
Another few years down the road,
We'll look back at this episode,
And laugh at ourselves,
And chide each other,
For the pettiness,
And ego and pride,
And temporary blindness...

I truly believe so.
We've been through quite a bit,
To let such a small thing upset the balance.
When push comes to shove,
When we are down and out,
We'll know who'll be there,
And who wont.
In the end, it's all that matters.

2008-10-30T20:22:00.003+08:00

Mirror In Between

It's been like a dream,
This past week.
The unreality of it all.

From the crest of a wave,
Top of the world,
To the plummeting depths,
And washed aground.

Trance-like,
I wonder:
What if my dreams mirror my waking thoughts?
How then do I differentiate?

In the end,
When the dust has settled,
All that matters,
Are the simple truths in a tangled web of complexity.
Nothing else matters...

2008-10-30T07:13:00.002+08:00

Tempest

Life's like that isnt it?

A triple whammy in the middle of the night.
While a thunderstorm is raging outside,
(Making Furby frightened as hell),
An inner tempest is churning.

The electrifying and dizzying tempest outside,
Mirrors what i am feeling inside.

As long as you believe in me,
I will find the courage,
Somehow.

The storm has passed.
But the storm-ravaged land will still take some time to recover.
The sun will shine.
But time is still needed to dry up all the rain.

2008-10-30T06:42:00.002+08:00

I Am Sorry

I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you.
I am sorry for the terrible words I have used on you.
On that fateful day - Aug 18th.

It had hurt me as much as it hurt you.
The words haunted me much longer than they haunted you.
It impacts me right till now.
I replayed the scene so many times over and over,
Thinking of how I could have remedied the situation.
But I cannot.
For things have happened,
Words exchanged,
Insults traded,
Relationship charred.
I cannot undo the past nor the hurt.

The internal agony and sadness that I felt,
When I came to know about your pain and anger,
And how much I had hurt you,
Totally made the earlier issues I blogged about,
So insignificant and irrelevant.

I was relieved that you returned safely.
I was glad to see you.
I was happy that you called me on my birthday.
All these I did not convey.
Nor show.

Like everyone else,
I need to remind myself,
To practice what I preach.
For it is so easy,
To slip in the comfort zone,
Thinking everyone will be around forever,
And then taking them for granted.

Nobody will be.
They'll be gone before you can say tell them.
What you feel today should be said and acted today.
Tomorrow doesnt always come.
Sometimes not quickly enough.
A chance lost may not always be recovered.

Re-thinking,
I am almost overwhelmed.
Yes, I agree.
I am a failure.
Of my own life.
This I admit.
And I seek to change.

I guess we both have the same kind of stubborness,
And indignant righteousness in us,
To do such extreme things,
Than to bow to convenience.
Such personal pride.

Blood is always thicker than water.
I believe in that.
I also believe when no one believes in me,
You all would.
This is because I would believe in you,
Your character,
Your values and principles,
Over what anyone else says.

Dear sis,
I love you.
I really do.

2008-10-30T06:25:00.003+08:00

Dear T

T,
I feel your pain of having someone close who chooses to doubt you,
At the first instance.
Love is a choice.
Choose to love.
Even if it brings pain and sorrow sometimes.
That's how we know we are truly living.

I have been behind this shield for so long.
What I feel and think,
All hidden.
The real me - hidden.
The vulnerable me - hidden.
No one knows the real me.
Sometimes not even myself.

I chose to open up recently,
To expose my vulnerabilities for all to see and criticize.
It's not coz I'm stronger.
It's coz I no longer want to portray just half the person that I am.
What you see is what you get.

Yet,
The more i reveal,
The more vulnerable I get.
And it doesnt help that,
It is at this precise moment,
I become judged.
By people close and near.
By people whom I thought should know better.
Ironic isnt it?

It's the same when you open your heart to someone else,
Whom you thought you can trust,
Who turns out to hurt you the most.

I can take this hurt.
I can take these trangressions.
For I had chosen to open up.
And I will continue to do so,
Step by step.

2008-10-30T05:57:00.006+08:00

King Lear

In this age and day,
It takes just suspicions,
And not proof,
To unstabilise,
The very foundation of a friendship or relationship,
Which had taken so long to nuture,
And of which so much had transpired and have been shared.

Is trust so old-school, passe and over-rated?
Is friendship really so fragile?
Are seeds of discord so easily sown between two friends?

People hear distorted truths from someone else who heard it from someone else,
And believe readily.
Does context matter anymore?
Does the protagonist have any say in things at all?

Here I am,
Standing accused;
A man more accused of than accusing.
I rage, I burn...
Ultimately,
I am saddened.
For which I hold at the most valued,
Is seen not with the same value.

A wise man sees not the same tree a fool does.
A friend judge not the transgressions of another friend.

I have not judged you.

Everyone can think what they want of me.
They are entitled to.
But to the people who matter most,
You should know better.

2008-10-25T22:40:00.002+08:00

说好的幸福呢?

Of all things,
It all hinges upon a receipt.

From the ashes,
A phoenix always rises.

We look without seeing,
We hear without listening,
We feeli without really realising,
We say without really thinking,
We love without really showing.

2008-10-22T21:03:00.000+08:00

a little clarification

2008-10-11T11:13:00.003+08:00

I was looking through my Europe photos.
Brought back so much memories.
We sure had loadsa fun.
They are really one bitch of a time.
Wanton drinking with wild crazy caucasians.

South America next!!

XW, I want the Tibet photos!
It's been like years...
WTF!

2008-09-30T00:43:00.002+08:00

Little Epiphanies in Life

Today,
I had an infuriatingly exasperating debate with T,
My colleague.
He was conventional,
An old-school Romantic,
In his thoughts and examples.
I almost went berserk halfway,
He could have just walked out from a black-and-white movie;
But after years of training in the human condition,
I opened up and eased up.
I listened to his thoughts and views on how the world should be,
Why it is what it is,
Why people act the way they do,
How guys and gals are different,
Etc.
It was a breath of fresh air actually.
I'm sick of those people who say not what they feel,
But what they should say,
What is suitable for the different situations.
You see someone smiling,
But we all know s/he is not smiling nor happy.
I may not totally agree with T on what he said,
But at least he had conviction and belief when he articulates his opinions.
How many times have I heard mouthpieces echoing the thoughts of their bosses?

T gave me another dimension to my current conundrum.
Advices are free,
Just dish them out.
I'm excellent at dishing them out,
At analyzing people's problems,
But when woe betide me,
It's like using a telescope to scrutinize a microscopic issue.
Or the other way round;
Like using a microscope to analyze the Universe.
Either way,
I end up hopelessly clueless,
And mired deeper in the quadmire.

Life has a funny way of getting back at us.

I had things too easy in my life.
This made me the person I am right now.
Courageous in words,
But lacking in valour.
I've never had to work hard for anything.

T is right when he asked if I could really do certain things.
He scoffed when I said I could.
Actions speak louder.
Stop reflecting and writing.
Start acting.

Y was right when he asked what can I bring to the table?
What is my value?

The little epiphanies in life are in essence,
Gleaned from the commonplace,
The simple and homely.

I shall leave what D commented to another day,
Or let it fizzle with time.
For now,
I have work to complete.

2008-09-23T03:49:00.002+08:00

Un-Shackled

Be gone Technology.
For I have proved the popular theory wrong.
To a certain extent...
The sentiments of the majority may not always be right...

The albatross around one's neck....
Weighing one down infinitely...
Till it became a way of life...

Be gone...

For the forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest...
Just ask Kevin...
It was a brilliant night of music for the soul...
Conversation of the soul...
Intoxication by the soul...
What was said in the club stays in the club...

2008-09-22T00:54:00.001+08:00

Since my HP is down,
I've decided to do an experiment.

I'm staying handphone free for 1 week...
We'll see what happens...

2008-09-17T21:27:00.002+08:00

The Workplace And Its Many Lessons

It's 930pm and I'm still in office.
Finishing up on work,
And wondering if I should go mambo tonight...

Tomorrow will be a duper long day if I do.

Had an insightful discussion on the many facets of Life with two colleagues just now.
I'm slowly learning that we gotta each make our choices,
And let the choices make us.

Played a practical joke on colleagues today,
It wasnt funny to some.
Maybe I should tone down such "jokes".
It's a thin line really,
Not clearly demarcated nor marked.

Well,
We all see things through different lenses
Some darkly,
Some rosy,
Some tinted.

2008-09-12T01:04:00.001+08:00

baby steps

2008-09-11T02:26:00.002+08:00

Righting The Wrongs

The drive back home after all the music and alcohol,
Always bring out the emptiness and loneliness.

When friends depart,
When the artificiality and superficiality are stripped away,
When the intoxication dissipates,
When reality sets in,
One cannot lie to the person in the mirror.

I feel exactly what I'm feeling,
I cannot hide from my own inquisition.

Yet I cannot answer my own questions.
I cannot allay my own anxieties.
I cannot fathom my own decisions.

I burn, I pine, I perish.
I wish, I hope, I regret.

Life is too short.
To not act upon my heart's desires.
It took me 26 years to realise.

Are you afraid to be the same in your own act and valour,
As you are in desire?

Yes I am.
I'm afraid.
I'm apprehensive.
All my life,
I've lacked courage when it matters.

Courage is not scaling the highest mountain;
It is not plunging into that icy river.
Adrenalin enables us to do that.

Courage is facing your own fears,
Striving to conquer them,
Against your better judgement.

2008-09-10T01:20:00.002+08:00

The Regretful Blues

For someone who seems to have it all,
In actual fact,
He has nothing.

Tonight is a blue blue night.
It doesnt matter that the moon is hanging,
Nor does stars shining intrigue me.

I cannot sleep.
I cant be bothered about this.
I cant be bothered about anything else.

才離開沒多久就開始
擔心今天的妳過得好不好
整個畫面是妳
想妳想的睡不著
嘴嘟嘟那可愛的模樣
還有在妳身上香香的味道
我的快樂是妳
想妳想的都會笑
沒有妳在我有多難熬
沒有妳在我有多難熬多煩惱
沒有妳煩我有多煩惱
沒有妳煩我有多煩惱多難熬
穿過雲層
我試著努力向妳奔跑
愛才送到
妳卻已在別人懷抱
就是開不了口讓她知道
我一定會呵護著妳也逗妳笑
妳對我有多重要
我後悔沒讓妳知道
安靜的聽妳撒嬌
看妳睡著一直到老
就是開不了口讓她知道
就是那麼簡單幾句我辦不到
整顆心懸在半空我只能夠遠遠看著
這些我都做得到但那個人已經不是我

2008-09-02T01:05:00.002+08:00

As Midnight Approaches

The sky is aglow,
Sinister-red,
Overcast with ashen clouds.
Molten street lights flicker,
Fluttering of a bat's wings,
Invisible shadows lurking at every corner,
Chills from an unsentimental night.

A solitary figure runs.

Seeking who he is,
Who he can be,
And who he will be.

Pondering his very existence,
And running in circles,
He reaches his end point
- His starting point.

Weary and no closer,
To what he thinks he seeks.

Deep down,
He already knew.
He just didnt have the courage,
To leap rather than walk,
To proclaim rather than speak,
To listen rather than hear,
To feel rather than suppress,
To ruminate rather than idle,
To act rather than hesitate,
To love rather than regret.

All his life,
He pretended,
To be strong,
To be nonchalant.
To be or not to be?

Courage is about facing your fears,
Conquering them,
Comprehending them.
For it is human to fear the unknown.
It is also human to love the unknown.

On such a night,
He ran an arduous avenue,
Beseiged by untold memories,
Hazy images,
Neglected feelings.

The passing of midnight came swiftly and silently,
Ghosting past,
Fading like a spectre in the dark.

On such a night,
Filled with meditations,
Armed with words,
He wrote.

He seeks not the end point,
But the journey.
For it is through the process,
Where he felt anguish, despair and fatigue,
That he truly lived.
It makes the end point feels like deliverance and salvation,
Rather than a requiem.

2008-08-05T04:34:00.002+08:00

An Ode To My Wunderful Colleagues

Where does one begin?

You are the sinful sugary saccharine dessert that completes a meal;
You are the source of gossips that make lunches infinitely more interesting;
You bring sanity to the nonsensical world of KPIs and dreary meetings;
You are the invisible hand that gently guides and prods;
You are the filtered sunlight that provides just enough warmth;
You are the accomodating victim of my terribly lame jokes;
You bring back pieces of another land for everyone every holiday;
You are the silent totem of support that lights a lonely wind-swept street;
You are the MOMer that accumulates an abundance of annual leave by working every single day!
Your wishes and company makes growing older so much more bearable.

Like the misty showers of rain,
It is the finality and the transient nature of joy,
That makes it so hard to attain,
Yet so immeasurablely gratifying.

2008-07-29T01:42:00.000+08:00

Of Furby and Desperados

I absolutely adore Furbs!

Nothing beats him for pure happiness,
When you see him bouncing up and down,
Wagging his tail furiously,
With those bright lazy eyes of his,
Gazing longingly at his snack area above the shoe cupboard,
After a long day from work.

Of course he gets fat!
How can anyone not feed him when he looks at you like that!?

What's worse than not being able to find something you crave in Singapore?
What's worse than trudging through countless websites for hours,
Just to see if they deliver to SG?
What's worse than seeing websites that deliver to SG,
But minimum order is 5000 Euros?

Ans: A website that delivers to SG, any number of item(s) but..... with exorbitant delivery charges!!!

How can I drink a beer that's 9 Euros?
OMFG!
Oh man, How I crave it!

Tequila + Beer + Limeade = A Mad Mad Party!

2008-07-27T23:23:00.002+08:00

A Little Emptiness

Deep within,
In a slow torment,
A tempest rises,
Clouding what should have been clear.
A void that's faceless,
An emptiness that's relentless.
Insistence, resistance and persistence.
Oh! How I have pretended.
An empty shell is me.
Like clockwork!
I see the world,
But it does not see me back.
I feel the world,
But it does not feel me back.

I tasted blood,
My own.
I felt pain,
My heart.

Encased in the silence of a cold room,
The man is cold too.
The heart beats,
With cynicism and fear,
For it is lost and wandering.
Through the ages,
And woods of experience.
Somewhere, Somehow...
It has lost what it was searching for,
What propels it forward thus then,
Is merely the notion of fulfilment,
The ecstasy of finally knowing what to seek,
And the contentment of finding.
Crossroads abound,
By the wayside many have fallen.

In such troubled times,
There's no one to hear my calls.
Soldiering on,
The mist which veils,
The footpath which trips,
The light that flickers dimly,
It is but emptiness and solitude.

The aftermath of a party often leaves one with such feelings.

2008-05-06T01:01:00.002+08:00

New (Heart) Blood Come Tide

As i was telling Wenqi,
We are all like driftwood,
Meandering down the stream of life;
Direction-less,
Buffeted by the curvatures and undulation of terrains.

Beyond our control;
Afraid to struggle,
Yet drowning in waves of pragmatism and practicality.
We dont risk;
We dont venture out on paths less travelled.
We walk on the safe side of the road;
We dont dare to tell people our wildest dreams,
For fear of ridicule,
For we know it's merely a fantasy.
We dont park on double-yellowed lines,
For we fear the Fatimahs.
We queue up in orderly lines,
And we expect the same orderliness from everyone else.
We maintain a posterior of reservation when faced with something new,
Are we that jaded?
We check out the latest accident on the lane beside us,
Just to take down the numbers and speculate on the actual chain of events.
We buy the latest gadget just because someone else has them;
The LVs, the COACHes, the TIFFANYs, the GUCCIs, the iPods.
We all need someone to listen to us ramble on and on about nothing,
But we dont stop to listen.
We all know we must end this ennui and indolence,
But the currents are too strong and we are too weak to swim against them.
We all know she is the wrong one for us,
Yet we persist in digging up a hole to jump into.
We indulge in sentimentalism and reminiscence,
We think about what might have been;
What if???
We call strangers friends.
And friends?
We dont keep in touch as much as we should have.
There's always tomorrow to catch up.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
We take our family and home for granted.
We get irritated when parents nag.
We dont come home for lunches and dinners anymore.
We dont talk anymore.
We delight in comparing the contact list in out facebook.
We wallow in self-gratification when people send us virtual gifts or 'poke' us.
How many of them are true?
How many are acquaintances?
We pretend to like the songs that everybody else likes.
We are concerned by people's comments when these people dont mean anything to us.
We judge others as they judge us with deluded self-righteousness.
We give to charity just for that immunity sticker.
Those school kids holding tin cans compare whose is heavier.
Is charity artificial?
We think losing a football match all the time is alright.
We have tried, havent we?
Have we?
Is our best good enough?
We make the same mistakes,
We gloss over them with opinions that the other team is better.
They are faster, they are fitter, they are younger, they are more skilful.
We make up excuses to cover our shortcomings.
Yet we dont strive to improve.
We dont think how to improve.
We change formations and positions hoping that things will work out.
In the playing field of life,
Do we play like that?
We model ourselves upon others,
So much that we lose our own identity.
We become our boss's mouthpiece,
Eschewing our true opinions.
We become apologists.

We become someone else.

2008-04-17T09:31:00.002+08:00

Such Liberation, The Dashes Of Rain

The morning torrential rain was strangely liberating.
The feel of stinging cold dashes on my skin created an heightened awareness long forgotten;
What it feels like to really live and breathe.
It is just you and the elements.

Just as the rain-induced misty veil masked what was once clear,
And the rippled puddles form contorted images,
The transient nature of truths and the many facades they reside behind,
Becomes at once apparent and cloaked.

2008-03-03T23:33:00.002+08:00

Last Published, April Eleventh

It's been almost one year.
So much has happened.
Nothing much has happened.
I've been to Tibet and back.
Spiritually intact.
I've been to Europe and back.
Friendship intact.
Loads of countries I've visited.
Yet,
I'm still me.
Despite the host of places I've visited,
The cultures I've tried to assimilated into,
The breathtaking sceneries I've captured,
I return unfazed.
Perhaps I'm too jaded,
Too nonchalant.
As I always say,
Water off a duck's back.
One year on,
I'm at a crossroad.
The major crossroad of my life.
People trivialize the word "crossroad" too much.
This is a word of change.
A word that connotes a paradigm shift in one's life.
Yes.
Indeed I am at the crossroads of my life.

Months back,
I was browsing at Borders.
I chanced upon a flimsy yellow book.
It was a cross between a diary and a calendar.
While flipping through it's coarse pages,
One and only one quote struck me.
"You are what you'll ever be at the age of twenty-five."
So simple, so poignant, so succinct.
What this phrase did to me,
Was to highlight,
In neon colours,
Everything that was wrong with my life.
Everything that I should have done but never did.
All my regrets started flooding back,
Streaming with anguish and pain at what I have missed.
Everything that I should have said,
But never did.
Those moments where I should have leapt,
But walked.
For all the hard tackler in a football game,
For all the Ah-Beng in me,
For all the nonchalant cool persona I portray,
For all the risk-taking gambles I take,
When it comes to the crunch,
I falter.
When it comes to the showdown,
I hesitate.
When push turns to shove,
I lack courage.

Are you afraid to be the same in your own act and valor as you are in desire?
Letting "I dare not" wait upon "I would".
Was the hope drunk while you dressed yourself?
Has it slept since and stirs now?
To be more than what you were,
You would be so much more the man.
Nor time nor place did you adhered,
They have thus made themselves to unmake you.

Sometimes I feel that I'm a walking contradiction.
So simple yet so complex.
Just like friendship.
Just like love.

Some people think friendship is over-rated.
When you are married;
Start your own family;
Friendship is supposed to take a backseat to career and family.
We are not even talking about your own mother and father and sister and brother.
Your wife and kids become of paramount importance.
Who needs real friends anyway?
We are too preoccupied with work and loans and kids and wife.
What friends?
No time.
Not free.
I dont want.
Some dont even wait till after marriage to think so.
The little signs that we exhibit when we were kids,
Of our priorities in life,
Are exactly manifested in adulthood.
We become obsessed with money and status and fame and reputation,
Just like we were obsessed with grades and girls and grades and girls.

Give every man thine ear,
But few thine voice.
Take each man's censure,
But reserve thy judgement.

We choose.
We decide.
We prioritise.
We act.
We speak.
What's unsaid and undone and unchosen and unvalued hurts the most.

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear times' waste:
Then can i drown an eye, unused to flow,
For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
And weep afresh love's long since cancelled woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanished sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances forgone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell over
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think of you, dear friend,
All losses are restored and sorrows end.

A toast to all,
Dear friends,
Who have crossed my life,
Left their marks,
Walked with me,
Laughed and cried with me,
And are still walking with me.

2007-04-11T22:29:00.000+08:00

A Little Nondescript Regret

It's been 4 days since the birthday party.
Something's been nagging at the recesses of my brillant yet indolent mind.
Nudging and poking.
Well,
It's nothing much really.
It transpired that we re-shared lots of old fond memories:
Of the hilarious times,
The naughty times,
The rebellious times,
The unhappy times,
The sad times,
The petty quarrels,
The supposed fights that seemed more shouting (and things throwing) than flailing limbs and wanton violence...
Anyway,
I was juz thinking back on my own growing process,
And I realised that I made quite a drastic change in my interaction with the guys,
And it was done with a strong focus on avoiding petty squabbles (and fights),
Which had unfortunately tainted earlier parts of our lives,
And fortunately,
We took them like men do,
Laughed them off then and now,
For we all have our weaknesses and strengths,
For we have been part of each others growing and maturing processes,
For we have laughed and cried together.
Well...
Technically,
We havent really cried together,
But I've seen some secretly shed tears of sorrow.
Yes.
You are one of them.
Dont look away and don your false bravado.
I guess we are all vulnerable and weak at some point in time.
I was too.
I hid behind a shield of ferocity and temperament,
And it was something I regretted,
For with true friends,
There was no need to,
And it caused more rifts than bonds.
Well,
Look at us then and now.
We never tire of repeating the same old stories and incidents.
We never tire of reminiscing past glories and glorious failures.
We never tire of those golden faux pax and ridiculous quotes.
No bitterness.
No vindictiveness.
Only expiation and obviation of past faults.
I'm the first to admit I had a quarrel/squabble with almost everyone in RECCOS.
I'm also the first to admit that I regretted every single one of them.
What is not regrettable is the fact that without these quarrels/squabbles,
We wouldnt be such great friends,
Would we?
True to a Chinese saying,
"If there's no fighting, There's no acquaintance."

2007-03-15T17:43:00.000+08:00

Vignettes

When you climb and you fall,
Keep climbing and falling,
Does it matter how you fall?
Whether it's a wrong step,
An unstable foothold,
A loose grip.
Or a fear?
A fear of falling.
The thing is,
I feel them all.
Too many times I fall.
How long can one keep trying,
To climb when one falls all the time?
It's the same with rejection.

------------

Beauty is in the illogical.
The irrational.
If the world is functionally logical,
It will cease to amaze with its inherent beauty.
It's from the illogical,
The irrational,
That beauty emanates.

------------

When the child was a child,
It was the time for these questions:
Why am I me,
And why not you?
Why am I here,
And why not there?
When did time begin,
And where does space end?
Is life under the sun not just a dream?
Is what I see and hear and smell,
Not just an illusion of a world before the world?
Given the facts of evil and people,
Does evil really exist?
How can it be that I,
Who I am,
Didn’t exist before I came to be,
And that,
Someday,
I,
Who I am,
Will no longer be who I am?

------------

I will pluck from my tree a cherry-blossom wand,
And carry it in my merciless hand.
So I will drive you,
So bewitch your eyes,
With a beautiful thing that can never grow wise.
Light are the petals that fall from the bough,
And lighter the love that I offer you now;
In a spring day shall the tale be told,
Of the beautiful things that will never grow old.
The blossoms shall fall in the night wind,
And I will leave you so,
In kind:
Eternal in beauty,
Are short-lived flowers,
Eternal in beauty,
These exquisite hours.

2006-12-05T05:56:00.000+08:00

So much

I've got so much feelings,
Emotions,
Thoughts,
Fears,
Apprehensions,
Swirling inside me right now,
I dont know where to start.
To start dissecting them,
To start truly feeling them,
To start understanding them.
Let's start with school.
The entire last semester was one lonely and forgettable period.
There was no one to talk cock with.
No one to have lunch with.
No one to mug together with.
No one to stay overnight with.
No one to say 'Hi' to.
No one to gossip with.
No one to laugh with.
No one to KoL with.
No one to play cards with.
No one to slack with.
I could go on...
It's such a sad existence.
But I kept it all in.
I portrayed a brave front.
I walked past the clubroom, the canteen, the library, Co-Op, the corridors, the smoking areas...
And all that was left were lingering nostalgia and phantom images.
It would never be the same again.
And once again,
I was left trying to grasp what had already past,
What had already happened.
To maintain my pretended nonchalance,
I went to school only when I needed to,
And left whenever I'm done.
Yet,
At the end of the day,
It was all futile.
P told me my sentimentalism was all but 1 sem too late.
They were all over it.
It can be 10 years late,
But to me,
I would still wish myself back to those times.
How often I've wished so hard that I could go back to those periods of time,
Where I really grew up,
Where I discovered myself,
Where I shared so much good times with my friends.
It's over I guess.
NUS is a closed chapter.
What pains me most,
Is thinking of all those relationships that will eventually close as well with time.
Sad,
But inevitable.
Yes,
I am sentimental.
A lot of times,
I just cant let go.
A lot of times,
I keep everything inside me.
I dont show all those close and dear,
That I care so much about them.
It's so easy to misunderstand me as cold, unfeeling and indifferent.
I'm like that on the outside.
But the me inside is one vulnerable and sentimental sod.
That explains all the defensive mechanisms.
I really dont think there is anyone in the world who could know me 100% inside out.
And I do think it's my own doing.
The real me is masked by so much pretence,
So many walls,
It's all an unwieldy maze really.
One that I cant even navigate sometimes.
On another note,
I'm relieved and frustrated about the marathon.
Though I completed it,
It was really frustrating and excruciating.
Having cramps is no excuse in my opinion.
I had cramps the last time around too.
The last 14 km were so acutely lonely and long.
One struggle after another.
When my legs failed me,
My mind had to keep going.
When my mind faltered,
My legs had to keep going.
One km after another.
I had to talk to myself to keep going.
I had to ignore the growing pain and debilitating cramps.
I had to overcome the helplessness when I cramped up and cant walk/jog on.
A part of me didnt want to cross the finishing line.
A part of me wanted to walk on,
Through all the pain and loneliness and frustration.
Thanx for cheering me on at the end-point guys.
It made me feel better.
There's so much more I wanna say.
So much more I wanna pour out.
Yet,
I decided to keep some thoughts to myself.
As usual.
Sometimes,
Certain things dont really change.

2006-10-30T09:06:00.000+08:00

One of those days...

How do you know it's one of those days?
One of those unspeakable days.
I got an inkling on what to expect when I woke up with terrible hair.
It was all clumped up, shapeless and unmanageable.
I suspected it,
While I was trying to finish up my work,
And had these annoying porn pop-ups that keep appearing on my screen.
Bloody Trojans!!!
It was verified when I finally finished my work,
Eager to print,
And the FUCKING printer had to object.
The bloody nerve of it.
It freaking refuses to print.
And as I'm typing now,
The pop-ups does their usual routine.
Despite the best efforts of both my sis,
Plus my thinly-veiled threats,
The printer remained stubborn.
Now what?
I gotta print my work and hand it in.
The deadline's looming.
And so I had no choice but to go school and print.
Oh, and guess what?
The library wasn't opened when I reached at 0750.
I walked over to AS7,
And the printing room wasn't opened either.
So I walked back to the lib and it was belatedly opened.
Finally...
But it had to happen.
The coms were on,
But the printers were off.
Upon checking with the 'friendly' staff,
The printers are not under their jurisdiction,
And so they cant help me.
Oh yeah?
NUS preaches excellence and initiative and innovation and creativity,
Only for its students?
Their Staff has no need for these values?
It's so difficult to switch on a couple of printers?
Crap.
So off I went,
Frustrated and Irritated.
It so happens that I've got a cousin XF living in hall,
So I gave her a call,
At an unearthly hour of 0815,
Which expectedly,
She didnt pick up.
I gave up.
I can smell it in the dusty air,
See it in the way sun-rays slant across my path,
Feel it in the way gravel keeps getting into my slippers.
I gave up.
There's no way I can win.
I drove off.
XF called.
No printer.
Expected.
Decided to vent my anger by owning some random losers on Bnet.
Then realised my Warcraft cd is with Hock.
Right.
Oh well,
A lanshop would suffice.
Bt Timah has got one,
And I'm a member.
I parked my car,
Tore off two $1 parking coupons,
And headed down the dark damp alley.
Deep down,
I already knew.
The freaking lanshop's supposed to be 24hrs.
But it was closed.
Why?
Renovation.
Wow.
I couldnt believe the magnitude of this whole divine conspiracy.
And I wasted 2 bucks on parking.
I started running.
Back to the car.
My imagination warned me that the building might collaspe on me.
Anything can happen man.
And so I'm back home.
Safe and sound.
Screw the assignment.
Screw the deadline.
Screw the printer.
The only bright spark in this terrible day,
Is the sight of Furby galloping to greet me at the gate.
He's so loveable.
Life isnt that bad afterall.
And Furby got some munchies for his affection.
And I?
I hope I've turned the corner.
West Ham won last night.
After 8 consecutive defeats.
What has it gotta do with me?
Well...
My West Ham beat Man Utd in the FA Cup Semis,
In extra-time,
After going 2-0 down in the space of 4 mins.
Tevez got the winner in extra-time.
Coincidence or not?
I'm so jinxed today,
I'll take any signs that come my way.

2006-09-13T10:24:00.000+08:00

A Human Face

In an age where money and profits reign supreme;
In a sport where unscrupulous players and agents threaten to spoil the game,
There exists a saving grace.
They say the Catalans are very proud people,
And I can fully understand where these people are coming from.
In an unprecendeted move,
Barcelona has gained my respect.
AIG and Siemens paid hundred of millions to have their brand advertised on Man Utd and Madrid's jerseys.
Barcelona never had any brands emblazoned across their famous colours in their entire history.
Why?
I dunno.
Maybe it's a cultural thing.
Take a walk around the city and you will experience a new meaning to the word - Culture.
So what's new,
You ask?
Barcelona just have to nod and agree to have a sponsor,
Business opportunists would immediately jump at the chance to offer them similiar deals,
Hundred of millions worth of offers would pour in.
That would add to their coffers.
But they didn't do that.
They stuck to their guns and resisted temptations for decades.
Until this season,
Where this long-held no-man's land was finally overcame.
And who exactly is this 'brand' that managed to achieve the impossible?
If you had watched the Champions League game last night,
You might stand a chance to guess it right.
I was in shock when I saw the name plastered across their stripes.
'Unicef' is the word and 'brand'.
The question is in what way is Unicef and football interlinked?
Well...
It so happens that Unicef didn't have to pay hundred of millions to Barcelona.
By a funny quirk of fate,
It's the other way round.
In fact,
Barcelona is paying Unicef several millions a year to use their name.
It is all in all a charitable gesture.
It also happens that several Barcelona players are contributing a few percent of their salary to Unicef.
Now that's what I call a human face to football.
Such a noble reason to break long-held traditions.
And that is why I applauded every single of their goals last night.
If you watch football and don't have a team to support,
Take a leap of faith with Barcelona,
For they not only entertain with their skills and passing,
But also play with their hearts on their sleeves,
And they do have such big hearts.
You'll never find Chelsea doing these sort of things.
Even if they do,
I'll question the underlying agendas and motivations.
Nuff said.

2006-07-11T07:25:00.000+08:00

Tibet (and what it connotes)

It's been a long while since I last withdrawn my curtains,
Opened up my windows,
To the chirping birds,
The mellow rays,
The crisp morning air.
For too long,
I have been cooped up in my little room,
Playing some stupid computer game,
And enjoying the air-con.
I need a reality check.
Instead of waiting and hoping this Tibet trip does it for me,
I already got a small dose of it right now.
Now,
I finally remembered,
And how fondly,
What it means to be alive.
What it means to be able to breathe freely,
Without difficulty and breathing in clean fresh air.
What it means to perspire,
To be mortal.
What it means to be able to see,
To hear,
To smell (my flu makes it difficult to substantiate this),
To touch the keypads on the laptop,
To be able to walk smoothly,
To be able to taste.

It's also been a long while since I last blogged,
Transform my waking thoughts into words,
To articulate my views,
And to share them.
For too long,
I have been cooped up in my little world,
Of redolent ineptitude and neglectful idleness.
I didnt want a reality check,
Preferring to dream and fantasize and run away.
Run I did.
Ran a hell lot.
Now,
I finally get acquainted again,
With the unbridled joy,
Of going through my thoughts in my mind,
Registering them,
Remembering them,
Caressing them,
And coaxing them into words.

I couldnt sleep.
Tossed and turned.
The air-con was rattling away,
Making funny noises,
Which disturbed me.
I said a prayer,
For all those close and dear,
And for our safety during this trip.
I'm not in the pinkest of health for this trip,
And I'm worried.
Not so much the fact that I might suffer from breathing difficulties or such,
But rather,
Cause the whole trip to be dragged, abandoned or wasted.
I really hope not.
I sighed.
There's only so much one can hope.
Reality hits me again.
Life is really only worth living,
When we dont know what's round the corner.
It has a funny way of making simple things complicated,
Obscuring clear transparent truths in the thinnest of veils,
And surprises or shocks you at every turn.
This is what we live for,
Isnt it?
I really dont know what to expect from Tibet,
And I think it should be kept that way.
With expectations,
Comes disappointments and taking things for granted.
Life certainly shouldnt be lived this way.
Dont miss me for the 23 days that I'll be away.
Dont expect any posts here for the next 23 weeks.
And dont waste your life for the next 23 years,
Only imagining,
And not fulfilling.

2006-04-21T05:27:00.000+08:00

I've lost... I've floundered...

I feel that I've lost a part of me of old.
A portion that loves to read,
To ruminate,
To be emotional over a phrase.
Nowadays,
All I do is Kol and Dota.
Sometimes I wonder what is the draw
And reason for doing what I do,
Or dont do.
I juz cant find the necessary strength to question and delve further inside myself.
Other times,
I juz feel so stagnated,
So lost.
It's as if my own life is drifting away from me.
My dreams.
My aspirations.
I'm guilty of letting them go,
Without the nuance of a struggle.
Why?
I'm asking the same question.
People ask the same question of me too.
I cannot answer.
Or perhaps,
I dont dare to answer.
Maybe I dont dare face the harsh truth.
I'm a sucker for escaping reality into the virtual world,
Where I can be anyone I want,
Where it's infinitely more flexible,
And with less pressure,
Societal or otherwise.
I have always had this strange epiphany,
Or rather a peek into a vision,
Of myself in a future doing what I love,
What makes me happy and fulfilled,
But which is unfathomable and unacceptable right now.
It's a bitter irony,
But I shall keep the irony inside me.
I've got 4 good grades for the essays that I handed in,
But ultimately I floundered with my final step,
Coz the essay that I didnt hand in will probably make me fail a module.
It's infuriating isnt it?
Pei will attest to that.
But I guess this bit of me will never go away;
So exasperatingly complex and brillant.
What's the use of a moment of brillance when I cannot sustain it?
I cannot answer this either.
Maybe I dont wish to answer this too.
Again,
So many questions,
So little answers,
The story of my life.

2006-02-28T07:40:00.000+08:00

A New Dawn

I've finally decided to buck up.
No,
This strange phenomenon didnt happen under coercion from anyone.
No,
It wasnt influenced by any incentives from anyone.
Definitely no,
It's certainly not caused by an overwhelming guilt from too much dota.
(How can there be too much dota??)
In fact,
I havent dota-ed for quite a while.
No,
It's not because I'm sick of dota.
I guess the simplest way to describe this sudden change in attitude,
Would be that,
It slowly crept up on me,
A(n) unsuspecting me,
Engulfed me in Reality,
And I resolved.
Should my endeavour falter at times,
Juz prod me and push me on.
That's all I ask.
It's not easy breaking the routine of skipping lectures and tutorials.
Life isnt easy at all.
It's a mixture of iridescent colours,
Pulsating with splendor.
To truly grasp it,
One have got to quietly immerse in it,
To 'feel' and not merely to 'see'.
Reality will let me 'feel' more instead of merely 'seeing' what really isnt there.
So there,
Resolution made.

2006-02-15T07:18:00.000+08:00

The Awakening - A Promise

Stirrings,
Of a sleepy morning.
Twitching,
Of a slumbering puppy.
Kindling,
Of a passion thought lost.
Rousing,
Of a dispirited mind.
Vivification,
Of a forgotten blog.

I'm back!!!

2005-10-05T00:41:00.000+08:00

NIGHT

Somewhere down the road,
I pondered.
You wondered.
Whether this is all right?
In a twinkle of starlight,
We've shared so much.
Under the lucent beams,
We laughed and cried.
The passion with which I once wrote,
Furiously,
Relentlesly,
Has come to pass.
Nothing really matters anymore,
Except you.
Except that you cant see it.
Inspiration deserts me.
Determination I never have.
Which leaves me with only Hope, Faith and Love.
They are my subsistence,
My existence,
My reality.
I cannot hope to recreate my past,
And I do not want to either.
All I want is to have a Present shared only by us,
Memories that matter only to us.
Cant you see?
I pine, I burn, I perish.
In your fire.
In our flames.
A smile from you really brightens up my day.
Your cheerfulness rubs off me.
I act silly along with you.
I'll go wherever you wanna go.
I'll do whatever you wanna do.
I'll sing whatever you wanna sing.
A tune.
A melody.
Of sweet sadness.
For you cannot be happy all the time.
And the inverse is true.
I'll feel blue when you are sad.
I'll pout when you pout.
I'll sulk when you sulk.
For we are intertwined,
Emotionally.
"Forever and a day!"
I subscribe to this maxim as well.
A day can last forever.
Forever can be over in a day.
Angles angles...
Sweet slumber seduces me.
Sweet angelic face of yours beckons.
Peace descends like turtledoves on window sills.
And all I see are ruffled hair,
A heaving bosom,
Arched body,
And a slight smile,
Of one being contended with her lot in life.
I see a mirror of myself,
In you.
Sweet dreams.

2005-09-25T14:42:00.000+08:00

Fourteen Days

On the first day - Pebbles
On the second day - Photos

2005-09-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

Essential Brew

It's been a long long time since I last worked.
And today is my 1st day working at Essential Brew.
And I'm totally tired out.
I concede that it was quite a good experience,
But I sincerely doubt I can work like 3 day a week.
And I didnt expect Kevin and his gf to drop by,
And splurge on food and drinks the way he did,
Considering his food poisoning scare juz yesterday.
For people who might take a kick out of me serving them,
You can try your luck by visiting Essential Brew,
However,
I'm not inclined to give out my schedule.
Totally super duper slack with regards to school work man.
When will I buck up?
Tough question.
Simple answer.
But I dont have the strength to inquire further.
Shall juz leave it as that.
A question that needs an answer,
When it already knows,
But refuses to acknowledge.

2005-08-15T17:37:00.000+08:00

After what seems an extended ennui

I guess my posts are getting far and few nowadays.
I wonder where all my initial fervour about blogging has gone.
I dont feel excited about detailing every significant event,
That has happened to me anymore.
They dont seem consequential anymore.
A lot of things dont seem consequential anymore.
More of water off a duck's back.
And I dont know why.
Maybe it's coz I dont bother to think about them.
Sometimes I'm bewildered,
By the inconsistencies that I exhibit.
I seem to be juz drifting.
Juz waiting.
For what exactly,
I have no idea.
'ennui'
That seems to be a perfect fit on how I'm feeling right now.
Languishing at home on a Monday afternoon,
With nothing to do,
Or look forward to.
On a side note,
I'm finally moving into hall.
After weeks of procrastination,
I've finally gotten my gears moving,
And packed up all my stuff.
Suffice to say,
I'm still procrastinating on the actual deal of moving them into my room,
And setting the whole place up,
So it will be fit for living in.
Maybe a change of enviroment might be a catalyst,
To snuff out the indolence in me.
Maybe.
Juz a little maybe.

2005-07-17T04:52:00.000+08:00

A Decade

It's been 10 years.
10 long years.
10 short years.
10 years of friendship.
10 years of soccer.
10 years of growing up.
10 years of changes.
10 years of continuity.
I look forward to many more to come.
More soccer to be played.
More football to be watched.
More fantasy leagues to be discussed.
More crap to be exchanged.
More profanities to be hurled.
More kopi sessions.
More bonding.
More laughters.
More tears.
More fustrations.
More self-pitying.

A soft sigh left my lips as I typed.
Heavy is my heart.
Despite all the smiles and laughters during dinner,
The tug at the bottom of my heart remains taut and unyielding.
To understand someone is really difficult.
Sometimes,
We don't bother to even make an effort to get past all the superficialities.
However,
To really know someone,
Presumes that the someone is willing to be known by you.
1 year on,
And I'm still second-guessing,
Even though my instincts are usually spot on.
I can read the signs,
But that's not good enough.
1 year on,
And I need to pre-empt.
I dont run away from the 1st sign of trouble.
I'm a fighter.
Yet,
Sometimes,
I dont even know what exactly I'm fighting against.
I do know why I'm fighting;
For someone so important to me.
However,
Tenacity cannot last forever,
For fatigue will creep in,
For doubts will germinate,
In time to come,
And in these seeds of doubt,
Will grow an unwieldly forest of vacuums,
Chasms of emptiness,
Where nothing resides,
Where nothing is linked,
Where two hearts reach out in vain,
Trying to connect,
And feeling only gulfs of insurmountable space.
To choose;
To be or not to be?
I dont know anymore.
Every skepticism makes me doubt,
Every pessimism dilutes my beliefs,
Every act of surrender,
Of giving up,
Hurts me more,
And weakens my resolve.
Can I take 1 more blow?
I do not know.
All I know is that I'm a fighter.
But even the best fighter loses sometimes.
I cannot fight alone.
For unity is strength.
As long as one does not give up,
There is still a chance,
However slight it may be.

2005-07-01T04:58:00.000+08:00

Ages

It's been ages since I last blogged.
Yeah.
What's new?
The last 20 days have been a blur.
Arts camp was one reason.
The other was coz I've been bumming around too bloody much.
I think about what I do with my hols,
And what others do with theirs,
And I duly noted the differences in attitude.
Granted,
There was no financial need for me to look for a job.
And I felt no shame in bugging my mum for my monthly allowances.
Sigh...
My account's empty at the end of every single month,
And I'm freaking 23 soon.
Talk about being a failure.
It's easy to slam oneself.
It's easy to overlook one's own flaws.
It's ironic I guess.
I'm terrible with finances.
Not a good omen.
I'm terrible with discipline.
Not a good sign either.
I'm juz plain lucky.
Juz plain lucky.
Sometimes I wonder when my luck will run its course.
Maybe that's when I'll finally realise,
Realise that my life should be charted by myself,
My own hard work and toil,
Not shaped by luck or its accomplice.
Someday.
Maybe someday.
Why not today?
Since I realise the problem now,
Why dont I do anything about it?
That is precisely my point.
Sigh...
Think that is enough self-deprecation for one night.

2005-06-11T20:35:00.000+08:00

Solitary dinner

Juz came back from the hospital.
Grandad juz had an operation.
Lung cancer I think.
There he was,
In ICU,
Looking frail and delicate.
Long gone was the robustness and dexterity.
At least he seems better now.
I had often thought long and hard,
On sleepless nights,
About Death.
My death.
My loved ones' deaths.
It seems to be a taboo topic,
Yet in my mind,
It is anything but.
Sometimes,
One juz cant control what s/he thinks.
The more I try to get some random thought out of my mind,
The more it flits about and bothers me.
This is exactly what happens when I latch onto the topic of Death,
Unknowingly.
I honestly think that I'm not ready to accept Death's reality.
And I dread,
So dread,
Its imminent stealth.

On my drive back home,
I saw all those little close brushes with death,
That is so inherent in my driving.
Thus I slowed down and placed BOTH hands on the steering.
In flashes,
The oncoming glares,
Made my eyes crinkle,
Made my mind skip,
Skip,
And I sort-of saw the mortality of it all.
Suspended by a spider-thread,
Broken by Nature's winds,
Rains,
Elements,
The occasional intrusions,
Of inevitability.

I had fed my grandad his dinner.
Spoonful by spoonful,
I fed him bland porridge.
Out of the corner of my eyes,
I saw an unattended unintended tear,
Quietly gathering mass,
At the corner of his right eye.
I thought I saw,
In a split second,
As he glanced at me,
A glistening gaze.
I was struck by a wave of endearment.
I had touched him,
As much as he had moved me.
In this little gesture,
It seems to me,
That the wheel had almost turned one full circle.
He talked about us,
His grand-children,
In tones of pride and passion.
He talked about his own children,
And their toil and labour,
Like closed chapters.
And I saw,
Briefly,
How he had lived,
His moments through space and time,
And how he has lived.
I saw him,
A wary and expectant immigrant,
Making his way across the unknown,
Crammed together with other wary and expectant fellows.
I saw too,
Through his words,
The harsh conditions during the Occupation.
I saw a lot,
But i couldnt feel.
I couldnt re-create an expereince that is not mine.
And that is what I feel is lost.
A whole volume of experiences,
Lost in the inadequacy of words.

I reached home,
And had a solitary dinner.
I could have asked friends out for dinner.
I didnt.
Somehow,
I juz feel that in company,
If emotional state of minds arent in tandem,
Then we are all alone,
Where a wind-swept street,
Is warmer,
Than a crowded party.
I had chosen to embrace this solitude,
This state of mind,
This rosy melancholy.
And tonight I'll pray,
For all my loved ones,
Close and far,
Known and unknown,
That they can look up in the sky,
And see a solitary star shining,
With all its might,
And they be wrapped in bliss and peace.

2005-06-02T03:01:00.000+08:00

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Watch the sneaks today.
I was highly disappointed.
I had so loved the book.
Read the entire 5 volumes four times.
And my interest remains unabated.
Yet,
What I watched today,
Can be considered a travesty of the original version.
Douglas would definitely be turning in his grave.
No doubt Douglas had a hand in initiating the movie,
And its screenplay,
But he couldnt live to see it completed.

Warning!!! Spoilers ahead!!!

For all the cutesy animations,
It seems too 70s to me,
And comes across to me as a very low-budget and slipshod film.
Instead of a wacky, original, creative and comedic version,
As the book undoubtedly is,
This movie makes romance its main theme.
Soapy romance at that.
Goodness gracious...
Trillian and Authur werent even a couple in the book,
Though there was a slight hint of romance,
As well as a bratty and confused 'daughter'.
Even Marvin,
One of my fav. characters,
Looked like those kinda toys that they sell in comic shops,
That goes 'nodding' and 'nodding'.
Oh,
And by the way,
Zaphod's twin heads became stuck on one another,
Rather than side by side.
Even Ford,
Played by a black,
Lacked authenticity,
Who seems to use and exhibit his towel ever so often,
That I cant help feeling the towel represents a not-so-clever subterfuge,
Which I presume is supposed to hide the deficient fleshing of characters.
The biggest problem of this movie,
Is its inability to portray genuine images of all the spacey gadgets and mish-mash,
Like the spaceships of course,
As well as the Vogons etc...
I simply can't imagine that the Heart of Gold,
Appears as a teapot in the movie.
There is worse to come,
When the ship engages its improbability drive,
It appears as different kinds of fruits and flowers.
Talk about creativity and originality.
PUI!!!
I could do better,
Anytime.
After so much criticism,
I have reached the moral of the story -
That is,
Imagination is one of man's most powerful tools.
That is the difference between a normal bestseller,
And a brillantly thought and executed book.
And that is also the reason,
Why old-fashion books will still endure,
The relentless assault of the Internet and its e-books,
Or crap movie versions.
Such a disappointment.
I had waited so long for it.
Oh,
Last of all,
The babelfish,
Which spawned so many translation sites and meanings,
Looked like a deformed goldfish.
God knows what they did to a perfectly normal goldfish to create that.
Sigh...

2005-05-30T13:38:00.000+08:00

I Wonder Why

He who binds to himself
A joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
He who kisses the joy
As it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise. Blake

It's been many many days
Since I had any such wonderings
Of consequence.
(To me at least)
I wondered last night,
As I dished out this verse to T,
Whether I really believed in it,
Or is it just a romantic notion,
Or is it just the beauty in sequencing of words.
I'm still a walking contradiction as the dawn breaks.
I cant decide.
Now,
I just realised,
That the reason why i cant make up my mind,
Why I cant comprehend,
The meaning of this verse to me,
Is simply because,
I've twisted it to suit me.
All this while,
I've interpreted it in my fashion;
That is,
"joy" as 'love interest',
Which was as it applied to T.
So when i currently see the verse for what it is,
In its originality,
I see its meaning,
And subsequently,
Its beauty.

I was wondering also,
As i was brushing my teeth just,
About this insect,
Motionless on my bathroom mirror.
It was inert and impassive.
Which was what I prescribed,
And perceive it to be.
Maybe it was afraid,
Or just hoping I wont notice.
Anyway,
I wondered about why,
Why this insect is here,
What is its purpose?
I mean,
It's not a spectacular insect,
It doesnt have many colours;
It's just common,
With 6 thin spindly legs,
And a boring grey body.
So what is its function?
I'm inclined to think,
That everyone serves a purpose in the grand scheme of life,
Or else,
Why would we even exist?
(Who's purpose?)
*I'm not talking God, His creation, and religion here*
I wondered if I'm being too presumptuous here.
Can I just wonder about its existence,
And its place in the whole scheme of things?
I mean,
I dont even know my place and my existence!!!
And i'm assuming details about it,
When i dont even know it,
When i dont even know what it does,
What it eats.
Maybe it knows its purpose in life.
Maybe it knows why it is here for.
I was assuming it doesnt know,
Because I'm the one who's fretful about such stuff.
Suddenly,
It dawned upon me,
That I (or we) tend to lapse into such assumptions and perception,
When we are clueless about stuff,
So we imbue upon them,
Our own understanding and view,
Which might be false to a fault.

A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Blake

2005-05-29T01:12:00.000+08:00

Doors of Perception

We live together,
We act on,
And react to,
One another;
But always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves.
The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena;
They are crucified alone.
Embraced,
The lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence;
In vain.
By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude.
Sensations,
Feelings,
Insights,
Fancies - all these are private and,
Except through symbols and at second hand,
Incommunicable.
We can pool information about experiences,
But never the experiences themselves.
From family to nation,
Every human group is a society of island universes.
Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to permit of inferential understanding
Or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into."
Thus,
Remembering our own bereavements and humiliations,
We can condole with others in analogous circumstances,
Can put ourselves in their places.
But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent.
The mind is its own place,
And the places inhabited by the insane
And the exceptionally gifted
Are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live,
That there is little or no common ground of memory
To serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling.
Words are uttered,
But fail to enlighten.
The things and events to which the symbols refer
Belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience.

2005-05-22T16:10:00.000+08:00

Such a day

Through lenses, darkly.
Such idyll,
Such melancholy.
Feeling dispossessed,
Amidst such deep calm.
Feeling detached,
Despite being close by.
Pursuit of happiness:
The more you chase,
The more it eludes...
Sweet humming hides complex emotions,
In its cradle.
The passing cloud, motionless.
The passing wave, subsiding.
The passing time, subtle.
The passing love, bittersweet.
Bittersweet symphony.
The filtered sun, weak.
The distant two, galaxy apart.
Etched in each other's hearts,
A love that refuses to conquer.
Two sad souls,
Among happy faces...

2005-05-12T05:01:00.000+08:00

My Word!!!

I have just witnessed the game of the season!!!
It was unbelievable!!!
No.
It wasnt from United.
Sigh...
How the mighty have fallen.
I simply have to give Arsenal credit where they deserved.
It was scintillating.
They freaking scored 7 brillant goals against Everton.
It's not like Everton is a Conference team.
Arsenal thrashed the 4th best team in England 7-0.
Goodness.
The football was brillant.
Bergkamp was brillant.
Henry had his usual magic boots on.
People who didnt know which club I support,
Would have probably think I'm an Arsenal fan.
I'm not.
I'm proud to be a Man Utd fan.
But this is not their season.
Looking back on this Arsenal display,
I have every reason to fear the worst for the FA Cup final.
Ah well...
The game tonight simply reminds me the beauty of football.

P.S. Lucky Pires scored 2 goals. He's my captain!!!

2005-05-12T01:36:00.000+08:00

A Recap

I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.

2005-05-01T16:59:00.000+08:00

Cant we try

I See Your Face Cloud Over Like A Little Girl's,
And Your Eyes Have Lost Their Shine.
You Whisper Something Softly I'm Not Meant To Hear, Baby,
Tell Me What's On Your Mind.
I Don't Care What People Say About The Two Of Us From Different Worlds.
I Love You So Much That It Hurts Inside,
Are You Listening?
Please Listen To Me, Girl.

Can't We Try Just A Little Bit Harder?
Can't We Give Just A Little Bit More?
Can't We Try To Understand That It's Love We're Fighting For?
Can't We Try Just A Little More Passion?
Can't We Try Just A Little Less Pride?
I Love You So Much Baby,
That It Tears Me Up Inside.

I Hear You On The Telephone With God-knows-who,
Spilling Out Your Heart For Free.
Everyone Needs Someone They Can Talk To, Girl,
That Someone Should Be Me.

So Many Times, I Tried To Tell You,
You Just Turned Away.
How Did I Know?
My Life Is Changing So Fast Now,
Leaves Me Lonely And Afraid.

Don't Be Afraid, No.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
I Need You More And More Each Day.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
Can't We Try, Baby, Can't We Give A Little Bit, Little Bit...

Dan Hill

2005-02-02T13:27:00.000+08:00

Man Utd 4 Arse 2

Nuff said.
Now for Chelsea,
And that gloating face of Mourinho,
And all smug Chelsea fans out there.

2005-01-21T04:33:00.000+08:00

Renewed and Rejuvenated

I cant believe i took 4 hours reading,
All those blogs that i havent been reading,
For the past 1 month or so.
So it's not only me not blogging,
I dont even have the urge to read.
To read about people's lives,
Dreams,
Preceptions,
And thoughts.
All these people who have crossed my life,
In one way or another,
With this one stroke of inaction,
Have i rendered them insignificant?
At least for a while?
Being too caught up in my own little universe,
Where everything revolves around me,
Where i create anything that i dont hold,
Recreate anything that i've lost,
Imagining and self-occupying.
I think all i wanted was some time to myself,
Do anything that caught my whim and fancy,
At any moment in time.
Actually,
The more perceptive ones would have immediately known,
That i had meant slacking,
And bumming around.
Talking about slack and bum,
I skipped an ENTIRE week of lectures.
Shiok man!!!
I havent attended a Social work or Chinese Politics lecture yet.
And next week is the 3rd week of school.
Ah well...
The life of a bummer.
But i shall endeavour,
With whatever little determination i have in me,
To start studying and reading and listening next week,
And of coz,
Going for lectures is a good start.
I think typing all these isnt really good publicity.
For one,
I think my sis reads this.
Which translates:
There's a chance that she might tell mum or dad,
And that would spell the end of a certain snake.
Anyway,
In my usual cannot-be-bothered manner,
I decided that i'll leave it all up to fate,
And any form of indiscretion on her part.

I NEED A HAIRCUT!!!!!
DESPERATELY!!!
To all those who have screamed and implored me to get a haircut,
I've relented.
Tomorrow i shall.

At the end of all these grey skies,
I'm glad it's bright and cheery again.
I have never stopped believing.
I will never stop believing.
For what is lost,
Can never be recovered,
In all its entirety.

2005-01-18T20:46:00.000+08:00

Sadly lacking

Yes.
It's been ages.
Reason?
Too many insufficient ones.
Nowadays i blog only when i experience extreme emotional upheavals,
Thus the lack of activity.
I'm still alive,
Albeit barely.
Sigh...
I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.
Reflection from a mirror,
Made up by remnant rain puddles,
Showed up a man pregnant with sorrow,
And shattered when I step on it,
Crushing its revealing visage.
Shattered too is me,
Me that takes for granted more than being taken for granted by.
I muz remember to treasure each day,
Each fleeting moments,
For they dont get recreated,
Only destined to remain in the vestiges of memory.

2005-01-04T01:33:00.000+08:00

You were always on my mind

Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have.
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time...
You were always on my mind.
You were always on my mind.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died.
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied.
Maybe I didnt hold you,
All those lonely, lonely times,
And I guess I never told you,
I'm so happy that you're mine.
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind,
You were always on my mind.

Elvis

Heard this version while driving,
The perfect song for the perfect melancholy.
Everything seems to fall into place,
Into perception.
I understood.
You were always on my mind.
Despite everything else,
That suggests otherwise.

2004-12-28T01:36:00.000+08:00

Baby Goldfish

As I listened,
The familiarity of memories;
Those sweet moments,
The nostalgia of wind-swept brush,
The churn of first times,
That electric suspense,
Oscilliating between tense hearts,
Finally culminating in a stolen kiss.
I listened still.
I remembered still,
Lingering sensations,
Soothing scents,
Hazy eyes,
Dreamy faces,
Mushroomy hair...
I smiled.
It hasnt been all smooth and saccharine,
Yet with every passionate outbursts,
I feel the strengthening of emotions,
Of bonds and links,
For the tempered calm after the storm,
Promises a brighter tomorrow.
There's so much I cant promise,
But all that I can,
I'll pledge,
With all my heart.
Rainy days,
Sunny days,
Mundane days,
Busy days,
Boring days,
Irritating days,
Bad days,
Bad hair days,
Mondays,
Birthdays,
Special days,
Everyday...
It doesnt matter one bit what day it is,
It matters that you are by my side,
For it's hard to smile without you.

Can't smile without you, Barry Manilow

You know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you.
You came along just like a song and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream.
Now it all seems light years away,
And now you know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I"m going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.

2004-12-21T02:24:00.000+08:00

Coming to writing

In the beginning,
I adored.
What I adored was human.
Not persons;
Not totalities,
Not defined and named beings.
But signs.
Flashes of being that glanced off me,
Kindling me.
And the sign withdrew.
Vanished.
While I burned on,
And consumed myself wholly.
What had reached me,
So powerfully cast from a human body,
Was Beauty:
There was a face,
With all the mysteries inscribed,
And preserved on it;
I was before it.
I sensed that there was a beyond,
To which I had access,
An unlimited place.
The look incited me,
And also forbade me to enter;
I was outside,
In a state of animal watchfulness.
A desire was seeking its home.
I was that desire.
I was the question.
The question with this strange destiny:
To seek,
To pursue the answers that will appease it,
That will annul it.
What prompts it,
Animates it,
Makes it want to be asked,
Is the feeling that somewhere,
Once it is through the door,
There is the face that promises,
The answer for which one continues to move onward,
Because of which one can never rest,
For the love which one holds back from renouncing,
From giving in
-to death.
Yet,
What misfortune if the question should happen to meet its answer!
Its end!

2004-12-15T01:58:00.000+08:00

Faith

In this dark room,
Save an insignificant light,
Spins a ceiling fan.
I pretended to sleep.
The Other,
Not so.
In this guise,
My mind spun.
A broken promise,
Weighed down all happy hours.
The room seemed darker.
It felt empty.
I felt empty.
In light's absence,
I faltered.
In faith's absence,
I stumbled.
In this broken promise,
I despaired.
The fan still spins.
Nothing changed.
Save an insignificant part of my heart - my faith.

2004-12-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

Marathon

I completed my first marathon,
In 5 hours.
Not bad for one who didnt really train for it at all.
SW was saying we should train harder for next year's one.
Me and Jase juz shot him looks that said:
We should just train for it,
Not harder.
Now my body's aching,
My legs' seizing up every few mins,
My head's heavy,
I'll feel thirsty every half an hour,
And abrasions in areas which i shant mention.
Lucky i had nipple tapes on.
Of coz i found out a few little known facts from this marathon,
And during the course of it.
1) Do not look down on the average aunties who carries a shopping bag,
For i was overtaken by so many aunties (and uncles) en-route to the finishing line,
That i lost count.
I still remembered when the first female ran past me,
I gritted my teeth and overtook her,
But it was a very futile effort,
For she simply blew me away in the next 1 km.
2)I have never had such delight and happiness,
By juz catching sights of bananas.
After eating one,
Me and Jase held the other in our hands so tightly,
For fear of losing it,
Over the next couple of Kilometers.
Nevermind that the bananas werent ripe.
Nevermind that it's bitter and sour.
Nevermind that it refuse to be peeled.
I almost wanted to eat it skin and all.
3)Two kilometres never seemed so far away,
For I'm only motivated by the drinks stations every 2 km,
Where i can stop and walk a bit,
And gobble up my water.
But i needed to run fucking long and hard to complete just 2 km.
And that's how i finished my marathon.
2 km at a time.
4)I didnt realise how fast the kenyan runers were,
As they passed me on their return leg,
Till i took another 2 hours to get to the same location where i last saw them,
Which made me empathize with this guy,
Who was carrying a huge float and walking 42km for charity or something,
For i saw him at the 20+ km mark,
While i was halfway thru my 30+ km.
5)All sorts of thoughts went through my mind throughout the 42km.
The bananas, powergels, water, glucose and cute girls kept my body going.
Thoughts of people dear and close kept my mind going.
I felt like giving up every step of the way during the 20+ km mark,
For I cant feel my legs,
And they felt so so heavy.
I felt like crossing a divide of bushes that seperated the return leg from the one that I'm on.
But integrity kept me on the stipulated route.
6)A marathon is fucking shiong.
It reminded me of the toughest periods of my NS life,
Where my body was tested to the limits,
And my mind was in a constant struggle whether to juz give up and seek that much needed rest,
At the expense of pride and integrity.
This said,
It was a challenge I'll take up again next year.
And the year after.
And the year after.
I will try to keep less aunties from over-taking me the next time.
I will try to better my timing.
I will try to have more fun along the way.
And of coz.
I will train for it,
Hopefully,
But knowing me,
I'll juz reason:
Why train when you juz ran a marathon without training?
Well....
That's the befuddling nature of my mind.
And last of all,
Thanx Jase,
For keeping me sane throughout the 42km.

2004-11-30T20:09:00.000+08:00

Dystopia

Juz read a simply brillant piece on dystopia.
http://chronicle.com/free/v51/i15/15b01001.htm
Muz read.
Seriously.
Ok.
I'm exaggerating.
One more paper to go.
Holiday beckons.
Admitedly,
I havent really studied with any consistency at all.
Yet i'm pretty optimistic for my eventual grades.
A little optimism wont kill,
Would it?

2004-11-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

Bittersweet symphony

The after-rain mirrors my mind.
The torrent ends,
But it takes much longer to dry,
For remnants to leave.
It is not without a trace they leave,
For memory of the rain lingers on,
Haunting me everytime it pours again.
It's such a good time,
To feel sad and melancholic,
For the mist permits me so.
It hides the vulnerable part of me,
From prying eyes and sensitive souls.
Yet i want solace and comfort,
From trusty hearts,
To remind me I'm not alone,
And that I wont be.
It is on this new path,
That I seemed to have left people behind,
At the crossroads.
It didnt cross my mind,
Till I encountered rough patches.
What does this then make me?
One who forgets those who had been there for him,
Whenever the sun shines?
One who deceives himeslf,
That he embodies "For better or worse",
But in fact is far from it?
One who gets caught up in his own little web,
And forgets that the rest of the world,
Still spins?

I see in every faceless passer-by,
A blur hue of colours;
Images and shadows of you.
I drank that strong bitter coffee,
And it tasted bland.
I was more bitter.
With a throbbing head,
I stumbled home,
And seeked that plush bed of mine.
Bitterness had melted away,
For anger and vindictiveness,
Do not drive out bitterness,
Nor do they make things right again.
It is love that does so.

2004-11-20T06:07:00.000+08:00

In the early morning sun
With a backpack on my back....
(whatz the next line?)

Less than 7 hrs to my 1st paper,
And still a stack of notes not revised,
I'm officially screwed.
In trying to get my sleeping habits back on track,
i.e. Sleep at night and wake in the morning,
I've found myself feeling sleepy ever so often,
And yawning incessantly,
Any time of the day(and night).
Sigh.....
Hope the questions dont screw me up big time.....
*crosses fingers and toes*
Yah lah,
And here I am acting cute.
Gawd!!!!!
I attribute it down to exams blues,
Or rather one who knows his trip to the gallows is inevitable.

2004-11-17T08:05:00.000+08:00

Filtered sunshine

After one whole night of studying,
Or rather a couple hours of studying,
(Rest of the time consisted of crapping, eating air, and playing mastermind)
I am here,
At Temasek,
Winding down,
Crinkling against the glare,
Of thoughts and reflections,
That filtered through slanted blinds,
Riding on the rays,
That seemed to want me to see.
I had seen,
Some time ago,
But i had pushed into the recess of my mind,
These disturbing insights.
As i read,
I felt that remoteness,
That despair of one,
Who has had a taste,
But only a taste of what bliss is all about.
Long not,
For all bliss will come,
To the one who always believe,
To the one who always seems to miss out,
To the one who is always helpful,
Who sees in others,
What he wants for himself.
I'll say:
Look not into others' mirrors,
But into your soul,
On why failure seems to seek you.
Let your soul be your inquisitor,
And you the defendant.
Let you be honest with only yourself,
For it is time to stop pretending,
Even to your own soul.
Be the pattern of all patience,
For you are better off than Lear,
Who only saw on his deathbed.
Sometimes,
There are paths less travelled,
Words not spoken,
Emotions unexhibited,
People not met,
And love not found,
Yet.
What's gone,
Just let them go,
Away with the ebbing of time,
And into the the realm of emotional photographs.
Longing for what's lost,
And imagining what might have been,
Serves only to blind you,
To the multitude of opportunities,
Of acquaintances,
Of conversations,
Of unfamiliar emotions,
Of new waters.
Let loneliness,
Not encapture you in its grim grasp,
But rather,
Let bygones,
Meander down,
To the a place,
Where all things past reside in solace.
Rather than trying to capture,
Ephemeral rays of sunlight;
Bask in their warmth and glory and transience,
And marvel at all that colourful experience,
And let them go,
For if sunlight is to retain its beauty and enigmatic qualities,
It muz be free and unbounded,
And most of all,
Temporary.

2004-11-13T11:47:00.000+08:00

In anticipation of an old friend (who never came)

On this night,
I lost sleep,
Among other things,
More worthy than sweet Lullaby.
A promise is meant to to be kept,
Despite many discontented silences.
Old and forgotten emotions flood back.
All that i did not want to experience,
Reacquainted;
Just like in old times.
I wont insist that you stay.
It is with much reluctance
And doubts that I sent you off.
No.
I am not sad.
Just that ache,
That empty ache
Of loneliness,
Loneliness that one has to bear,
Ocassionally;
For no one can accompany me,
Forever.
Yes.
I understand that.
I accept that.
Still,
Loneliness accompanies
Me.
Swift and fleeting.

2004-11-01T08:34:00.000+08:00

I will not give up!!!

Some things are just so cruel,
Some paths just dont lead to that door,
Some games are such that you dont have to win,
Some rewards dont come from the final goal,
But from the process.

2004-10-30T19:14:00.000+08:00

Happy Rainy Day

A dear baby goldfish has made my day with
Such thoughtfulness,
Such lovingly-wrapped packages,
Such sweet notes,
Such pretended anger,
Such coy pouts.
Ah...
Iridescent happiness...

It has not been the best of weeks,
With essays due on the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th,
Insufficient time to do adequate research,
And of coz the usual lack of motivation to start early.
These said,
Next week will be my hell week,
But I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.
I'm feeling fluish right now,
And that's coz i decided to take a slow stroll in the drizzle home,
Wrapped tightly in my jacket,
Halds in pockets,
Whistling a joyful tune.
Seeing clarity through shards of raindrops,
I rejoiced!!!
For the rainbow that's bound to appear after the rain.

2004-10-22T02:27:00.000+08:00

The vanity of self-love

Sometimes i think i'm a bit of a narcissist.
Anyone wanna concur with me?
Or maybe i'm a vainpot as labelled by someone?

2004-10-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

Emaciated

Today,
On my way home,
Someone i know,
Mentioned in passing,
That i look emaciated.
Once safely at home,
My dad commented that i'm damn skinny now.
Told me to look in the mirror and recognise the skeleton.
Sigh......
Am i really that skinny?
Maybe i've really lost weight.
It's been some time since i last weighed myself,
And i havent been working out dutifully.
The funny part about all this?
Most people who noticed that i 'look' skinnier,
Seem to draw their conclusions from my supposedly more protruding cheekbone.
Is a tauter cheekbone/face really a compelling sign of weight loss?
*double sigh*
I did look long and hard into the mirror,
And the eyes that looked back seem listless.
A little jaded and cynical and passionless.
And i'm all bones,
And lifeless.
It'll be exaggerating to say that i dont recognise myself in the mirror,
But i've gotta admit,
It's really hard to see oneself,
Literally.
Maybe my topsy turvy sleeping habits is catching up with me.
All those late nights,
Arent doing my well-being a whole deal of good.
I should get to bed now.
Sleep beckons.

2004-10-18T02:29:00.000+08:00

A twitch

My right eye has been twitching the whole day,
So whoever that's been cursing me,
Please come and tell me straight in the face,
About your displeasure of me,
And i'll see that you'll leave as a satisfied customer.
But of coz,
The twitching could be coz of my lack of sleep,
Or the fact that i usually have my contacts on for more than half the day.
Anyway,
I'm feeling the heat.
So many assignments and projects to complete...
Played terribly on Sat,
Though it was a good experience.
Shall try again next sem.
For now,
My eyes desperately crave sleep.

2004-10-15T02:31:00.001+08:00

A defence

I guess it must really take something pretty solid(and flawed),
To cajole me out of my inertia,
To finally blog some opinions again.
Was chatting with F juz now,
And a casual comment opened up a pandora's box of conflicting theories,
Of which i will try my best to explore.
"My best friend thinks I treat her better than her bf"
(Note: F is female)
Hmmm, here comes the tricky bit.
A lot of times,
Girls tend to think guys dont know how to treat them well.
Of coz we dont know!!!
We're guys, for heaven's sake!!!
We 're not biologically and emotionally attuned to understanding women and what makes them tick,
All our supposed truths are juz fallacies of some supposed few who think they've succeeded,
In understanding women and how best to treat them,
And thus those poor majority of a bunch of clueless but sincere guys,
Me included,
Are derided as copycats or stale in our approaches,
As we attain our meagre knowledge in Treating Women the Right way,
In as nonchalant a manner as possible,
Coz of our conflicting ego and pride,
From hearsays, movies, and other mediums.
The thing is,
Is there anything original still?
I havent gotten to my main point of debate yet.
F treats her gal friend(let's call her D; D for dissatisfied) better than D's bf,
Or so it seems to D anyway.
I'm being as objective as possible here,
Since i know neither D nor D's bf.
My defence of Men thus begins......
To a girl,
It's inevitable that there will arise occasions for comparisons,
And it's inherent for a girl(I'm not being sexist here) to want to compare.
However,
The comparison of her best friend's treatment of her and her bf's treatment of her,
Isnt on a level plane.
For one,
The best friend probably knows her much longer than her poor bf.
Which is thus logical for best friend to know how to treat D better.
Secondly,
They are of the same gender,
Of which her bf doesnt qualify by the mere existence of something that hangs between his legs.
(Of coz i'm simplifying here)
Women tend to understand their fellow species better isnt it!?
Thirdly,
To D it seems that her bf doesnt treat her as well as she would have liked,
Or not in the manner that she desires.
However,
Has she ever thought that her bf has already tried to the best of his abilities,
To treat her well in the manner that he knows how?
What matters is the intention and sincerity and love, is it not?
It's not as if he didnt try.
(I'm hypothesizing that he does love her and tries to treat her well genuinely)
So is he at fault if his methods do not concur with her desires?
To me,
I feel as long as the heart is true,
The methods arent half as important.
Of coz,
Disgruntled women out there would disagree:
"If he truly loves us, then wouldnt he try to learn to treat us the way we want them to?"
For their defence,
I would like to counter-question:
"Then it is from whom that we ask,
To understand that we men can probably never understand women the way they want us to?"
"Then it is from whom that we ask to be treated in the way we want to be treated?"
For if there is giving from one party,
Surely the other party has to reciprocate and give back wat they took,
Even though it can be slightly unequal.
Lastly,
Comparisons usually result in dissatisfaction,
Even though sometimes,
There isnt much to be dissatisfied about anyway.
Funnily,
For all the accusations that's being levelled at men,
For being ignorant, fragile ego-ed, unromantic etc,
Women seem to think that they know exactly what men want.
To them it's pretty simple and obvious:
Men want sex and lots of it in the process.
Sigh......
Again,
For a gender that prides themselves on knowing how to treat men the way we want to be treated,
They seem to seriously over-rate themselves.
For all their misconceptions and assumed superiority of knowledge,
I'll reveal a little of what men really wants but never say/show.

We want love;
Someone for us to love with all our heart,
And love us back in return.
We want understanding;
From someone who means the world to us,
Whose small gesture of understanding would make us undertake even the most difficult of tasks without flinching.
We want encouragement;
We seek encouragement,
For a solitary word of support and confidence,
Can bring us back from the brink of no return,
To start over anew,
To be the man that we all dream of being without the fear of failing.
We want belief;
For someone to believe in us,
For us to cling on to when the whole world turn their backs on us,
When everyone doubts us.
We want faith;
Faith that things will turn out well eventually,
Even when the going gets tough.
Faith from a cherished one,
Can split the red sea thousands of times over.
We want someone who is willing to sacrifice for us;
However small that sacrifice may be,
We would then know of her love in return,
And be willing to sacrifice more for her well-being.
We want someone who tries genuinely to make us happy;
For if we can suppress our happiness,
And try means and ways to make a girl happy,
Then we(as humans are),
Would want to be treated the same way as well,
For who doesnt want to be happy?
Happiness can come without the girl trying,
By just loving and being together,
However that girl has to be one whom we can be happy with.
We want sex.
Lot of it.
Nuff said.

And to my beam of sunshine,
Who is a bit sickly now,
Cheer up!!!
We'll go have some fun tomorrow.

2004-10-13T02:21:00.000+08:00

Maybe that's why they called it the blues

It's been such a long long time since i last posted.
I'm at a loss as to why it is the case.
Maybe it's coz i have nothing important to say.
Maybe i dont want to to say anything.
Maybe there hasnt really been extreme emotional upheavals,
Which usually contribute to my introspections.
Anyway,
I have 5 essays due in the next few weeks,
Coupled with several more urgent projects and presentations,
And on top of that,
I'm starting to feel the stress of the impending exams,
Which obviously isnt aided by my NTU friends who are already mugging for their papers.
This time round,
My exam strategy will not be to read every single possible articles, notes and whatnots,
Which is evidently futile if nothing surfaces during the exam itself.
Instead, I'll most probably contend myself with writing outlines and timed-essays.
Of coz, in order to do so most efficiently,
I'll still need a basic grasp of concepts and examples and theories,
Plus an extensive knowledge of topics in which i'll try to specialize in.
On a good note,
Arts Open on saturday.
Cant wait to play competitive soccer,
Since RECCOS probably wont be playing this sunday due to exams.
I really hope i have the strength of mind to push through all the possible distractions,
That would definitely crop up with exams nearing.

2004-09-26T05:04:00.000+08:00

Lacking in abundance

Ambition
Determination
Lacks me

2004-09-24T16:09:00.000+08:00

Strained

I'm feeling the strains,
The weights of a multitude of Nothings,
Which on a good day,
I could've easily swept away,
With a flick of my head.
Unfortunately,
They ambushed me on a not-so-good day.
I shall just grin and bear it,
For their desire to get me down,
Isnt stronger than my refusal to be pulled into an abyss,
Of despair and melancholy.
For once,
I shall try to lose myself,
Immersed in my readings,
Of grandiose ideologies and revolutions.

2004-09-24T03:17:00.000+08:00

Whatnots

Ice-skating anyone?
I think it's a pretty good place to go de-stress,
Have some fun,
And land on your bums.
Went the other day with P,
And it felt good,
To bask in all the nostalgias:
The rubbish pop songs,
The Ah Bengs who never seem to face extinction,
The Ah Lians who ensures the survival of the Ah Beng species,
The deliciously chilly air,
The unstable and unsure steps,
The thrill in knowing I might have a hard fall the next second,
And of coz,
Holding a gal's hand.
All these make for a good lazy afternoon out.
I'll be going back again man.
My mum finally decided it's time to get mooncakes.
I've been dying to eat mooncakes,
Ever since people have been talking about it.
That's like weeks!!!
And here i am,
Weeks later,
Nibbling on a small piece,
And feeling contented.
It doesnt take much to make me happy,
Or contented for that matter.
It only takes a bit of effort and time,
In learning about me and my idiosyncrasies.
I really should start on my studying,
Of which i've put off doing for quite a few weeks.
I'm hopelessly lagging in readings,
And pressurised by impending deadlines for essays.
I'm sure most people i know see similarities here.
I was asked whether i'm a Responsible person the other day,
That context was "In a relationship".
In short, it meant committment.
And i said yes.
The question i've been asking myself lately,
Is why cant i replicate this apparent responsibility,
Into my life and studies?
Isnt it all too ironic?
I'm befuddled.
Sometimes we just need to ask the right questions.
Other times, we still need the right answers.
Right.....
This sounds like a wisecrack from Seng.
God!
I'm enlightened!!!
I think i've always asked this question,
And not seemingly have a hint of an idea,
Of how the answer goes.
And it aint as easy as 'Look into yourself' kinda crap.
Maybe i should take baby steps,
Instead of trying to find a grand answer immediately.

2004-09-23T20:22:00.000+08:00

Another Furby classic

A calm cool ordinary evening.
Right after dinner.
Mum slicing some pears she bought.
Dad eating pear.
Dog hopping up and down in cage,
Like a bunny in heat.
Me, an interested observer.

Dad: Furby... Apple... (holding up a piece of pear)
Dog(saliviating): Woof!!
Dad(dangles pear teasingly): Apple...
Sis(indiganantly): That's not an apple lah. Can you tell him the correct names!? You are making my dog stupid.
Dad(in retort): I've been teaching him all fruits are called "Apple". I've even showed it a piece of banana and told him it's an apple.
Sis: Wah lau!!! You are making him stupid. He's very intelligent one. I'm sure he'll recognise all the different fruit names.
Dog: (munching happily on a piece of 'apple'(pear actually)

I'm so tickled by all these that i almost choked on the water i was having. My thoughts on this is: Furby definitely cant be bothered with names of fruits. He has such a keen sense of smell that he doesnt need names to tell him there's yummy stuff available for him to get a munch. Of coz, the dog is smart. But sometimes he's juz plain greedy. No doubt dogs can recognise voices and sounds, but i'm more inclined to believe they rely more on guestures and tone/stress of words than the actual sound of the word itself. And for me, I'll juz contend myself with playing tag with Furby. At least, running will prevent it from getting too fat.

2004-09-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

All that she was, is, will be.

confabulation \kon-FAB-yuh-lay-shuhn\, noun:
(Psychology) A plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

A new word that i learnt today. Psychology majors take note.

She

The ceiling fan spun shadows across the room,
Foreshadowing what's to come,
Premeditated but never articulated.
Every crack in the concrete is a regret.
A regret of yesteryears,
Of indolent haste and folly.
Each windowpane reflected back,
A slightly different angle of the room.
Maybe all the change we need and crave,
Is a matter of perspectives.

There she spied a hideous sight,
A rubbery slinky creature of the shadows,
And she screamed.
Ran across his path,
And he crossed the path of her lingering scent.
There is a reason for everything;
The reason for rain is rain.
We should not fear what we do not understand.
Even though the initial fear is attenuated,
The memory continue to ameliorate the doubts.

Though dead tired,
She realized she is still alive.
The mirror is her only friend;
It mouths the words she wants to hear,
Yet never speaks.
"One is growing up repeatedly."
Sometimes we doubt ourselves,
And all our past decisions,
Yet somehow we forge on,
Resigned or willingly.

Vision determines the view.
The solemn flickering effects,
Of not knowing what you're doing,
Is all too familiar.
No one is absolutely certain.
Nothing is undeniably infallible.
We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves.
A gentle tease,
Might lift that fog,
And reveal a timely rainbow.

Unseen and just heard,
Makes it all hard to remember.
Confabulation and figments,
Dictates all that transpired.
Let's just say that every possibility waits,
For that opportune moment,
One merely has to turn around in order to see.
"What might be?"
It's Present unfolds a Future,
Irreducibly imperceptible.

Like the life of a child.

Life is hopelessly frayed,
All loose ends.
When we see lightning,
We wait for thunder.

Pretty is as pretty does.
And so is she.

2004-09-17T02:36:00.000+08:00

A different kind of day

I cant believe it's been 10 days since i last blogged!
Goodness!
What have i been doing!?
Well......
When one is too caught up with what Life has to offer,
He might not find adequate energies to reflect nor ruminate.
Of which i certainly think applies to my case.
It's not that i havent been thinking much lately,
But rather i've been living it on a day by day basis,
And a day's introspections do get slowly buried,
By layers of incessant multiple thoughts and pre-occupations,
And washed over by new waves of emotions for good measure.
Thus, when night beckons,
My mind starts to blank out and panic,
For the days seem to flit past,
Like hornets on a mission.
I only see blurry images,
Hear only faint voices.
However, the warmth in my heart cannot be denied.
Thus it is with this reassurance that i clasp close,
And confronts another similar day.
For starters,
Today is a different kind of day.
Not earth-shattering but glorious nevertheless.
It all begun with my dad offering to send me all the way to school,
Even though he's not obligated,
And i wasnt damn late.
But that wasnt the fun part.
He tried to have a daddy's conversation with me,
About relationships and marriage.
I muz say i was pleasantly surprised,
Though i admit i hid it pretty well under my usual facade of nonchalance.
His 1st serious chat about relationship with me in 22 years.
It's little wonder i found it pretty hard to keep a straight face.
No doubt there were hints of conservatism which i have no predilections for,
But his advice was as usual,
Impeccable and timeless.
The next thing that he could do to further shock me,
Would be a discussion on the birds and bees.
Haha...
Now that would make my day.
And at least 6 years late at that.
Of coz, if all is jolly and dandy with loved ones,
Then that would usually translate into a day of fluffy floating dandelions,
And of secret seraphic smiles in one's spirits.
Today's one of those.
They dont come by all the time.
But when they do pop by,
It'll be good to be able to recognize them,
And grasp hold before they dissolve into the inner recesses of memory.
Ah well, it's approaching 3.15am.
Time for me to honour my promise.

2004-09-07T01:22:00.000+08:00

SAF- The DARK side

These are so f**king hilarious that i'll think it an injustice,
To fellow buggers who've been thru NS and know how f**ked up their system is,
If i didnt post them,
And give these like-minded people a good laugh.
And please dont send me to DB,
It's only harmless.
Unless there's guilt and admittance to the captions below.
Then i shall be persecuted willingly,
But need to write reports if i am indeed charged.
Ah...
Decisions decisions...

2004-09-07T00:37:00.000+08:00

For F**k!?

2004-09-07T00:36:00.001+08:00

AWOL

2004-09-07T00:36:00.000+08:00

Chao Keng x2

2004-09-07T00:35:00.001+08:00

Extras

2004-09-07T00:35:00.000+08:00

Chao Keng

2004-09-03T03:29:00.000+08:00

Space

And here i am,
Propping these inexorable pangs,
Upon frail shoulders.
Who's shoulders?
Slumbery lethargy seeps in,
My body falls at the first hurdle.
My mind suspends on.
Caught in a moment,
The domain that separates 'Yes' and 'No',
The silence slides awkwardly.
Arrogance?
The passing silence slides on.
I'm not invincible.
Mere mortal.
I read.
Conspired.
All that are burdensome,
Away with you!
Come drift with me.
To forbidden woodlands,
Where wandering is a lost joy.
I try too hard.
Much too hard.
Signs that were so clear and simple,
To those who knew them,
Yet so trifling to grasp,
By the uninitiated.
I am the uninitiated.
We all need space.

Beneath this line,
Is

2004-08-31T02:50:00.000+08:00

Speak, Memories

Suddenly felt an urge to write.
It's more of inspiration actually.
Tonight was the 1st night i actually got down,
To some serious thinking about my tutorial question.
So i'm feeling accomplished on top of other euphoria-s.
I cant help but admit that 'Contented' is the word to describe me nowadays.
I look at things differently,
Not rose-tinted,
But with a discerning eye,
And an attitude of 'I'm-so-satisfied-with-my-life-currently-and-I-cant-be-bothered-about-wat-you-think-of-me' to match.
Of coz i do fret and worry about the readings that i need to catch up on,
But that's a purely academic concern.
My physical health is in pretty good shape,
Though i'm still as skinny,
But i can run fast.
Yah, like it's a redeeming factor....
Anyway, emotional and mental health are bursting right now.
I cant ask for more.
It's like having an ice-cream on a hot hot day,
Like buying that *whatever* i've been eyeing for ages,
Like being treated like a prince(ss) on an ordinary day.
You dont feel like wanting anything else,
Or anything more for that matter,
Just to be left alone,
To savour that delectable delirium,
That leaves every word, every sight, every sound, every smell,
Weightless.
Yet memories arent so weightless.
They arent so intangible.
A sigh i heaved,
For all those i left behind,
For this serenity of the mind and soul.
An empty look into the darkness of the night,
I give,
And i exhaled.
I exhaled all those memories that had resided in the far recesses,
The abyss where they dont deserve to be exiled to.
I had merely forgotten,
Albeit for a while.
We cant remember all the time,
Can we?
They seemed surreal.
Are they real?
I cant seem to recapture all the emotions connected to these memories.
I cant seem to re-enact them in my mind.
Jerky, insipid, loose images.
No words nor sounds nor emotions.
Against the crimson-ness of my inner eyelids,
I cant master them anymore,
For they do not heed my call nor appeal.
I seemed to have lost a part of my Past.
An important segment that made me who i am today.
Is contentment built on past anguish?
Probably not.
Is my contentment built on my past anguish?
Perhaps.
How else would i appreciate what i hold today?
Have i lost touch with people?
People who meant something to me at a given space and time.
Have i forsaken them?
Maybe i have.
Forgive me dear friends,
For i have been caught up in a moment,
A moment i never dared dream of,
Where i wish to be suspended, alone,
In my little web of smiles and intimacy.
Those memories i speak of,
Yet refused to speak to me,
They werent lost nor exiled,
Merely locked up,
In the many figments and compartments,
Where memories so often sojourn,
In wait of a revival.

2004-08-26T01:14:00.000+08:00

Marathon

The bummer and slacker,
Who owns this blog,
Has gone ahead,
And signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon,
On 5th Dec.
*applause please*
http://www.singaporemarathon.com/2004/index.html
For like-minded crazy people, like me,
You all can sign up at this link.
It's been probably a year since i last ran any distance covering more than 20km,
Yet this time round,
I've decided to run a marathon.
I've never ran 42km before in my entire life,
And i do consider it an ambitious project.
I'm not sure if my aging legs could carry me that far anyway.
Of coz i have to thank Timmy for making it possible for me to participate.
But why him?
It's a secret between the two of us.
*hints to Tim that he better not reveal anything lest he loses his precious jewels*
Anyway, as i was saying,
There is a reason why i'm running this marathon.
I juz wanna push myself physically to the limits,
But of coz,
I wanna improve my personal discipline as well.
How better to do so,
Than paying $35 to run a marathon when one is pretty broke?
Now i'll have a very good reason to stop procrastinating my sporadic desires to jog.
I have 3 months to train for it,
Which would require hell lots of discipline,
With my exams finishing only on 1st Dec(i think).
So Jase,
You can start bugging me to train together with you,
Since we are running together on that day,
And you better not 'fly aeroplane' and run with someone else.
I just saw the map,
And my word,
It's freaking long.

2004-08-26T01:00:00.000+08:00

Route map of Marathon

2004-08-24T00:37:00.000+08:00

Fading Ennui

Yes.
It's been long.
Far too long.
Days of ennui robbed me of any will to write,
And even thinking about matters is such a tall order.
Even right now,
I feel as if i have nothing substantial to say.
Nothing at all.
Nothing comes out of nothing.
And of coz the CW is slowly grinding to a halt.
Slowly but surely.
Think i shall try to jump-start my brain,
To start ingesting all those lengthy and fustian readings.
Restlessness.
Such lassitude.
I need a spark.

2004-08-14T03:22:00.000+08:00

A man more sinned against than sinning

That line above sums up everything.
Maybe it doesnt reflect the totality and actuality of the situation,
But it does reflect my inner tempest and turmoil right now.
Ah...
King Lear,
How well i know thy feelings...
Isnt it sad.
So sad.
When one says something,
Another has a choice to decide whether to believe or not.
But with regards to people whom you have shared your entire life with,
Twenty-two bloody years,
People who supposedly knows me inside out,
And are able to read me like a book,
Yet,
They chose to distrust.
To immediately assume otherwise,
To jump to conclusions,
Without even talking to me.
Isnt it oh so sad.
It is also damn insulting.
A bloody travesty of my integrity and my personality.
Misplaced faith is still alright.
However,
To immediately assume that i'm a two-timing jerk is not.
It's an insult to all that i have stood for.
A transgression of my belief and value of Loyalty and Fidelity.
Too bad for me then.
I cant help it.
How strong are my family ties then?
How thick is blood then?
Surely not stronger nor thicker than trust in a passing stranger.
I find it very saddening.
It is a big blow to me.
Family i thought i could rely on,
In whatever trying circumstances,
Chose to doubt me,
Without much hesitation.
Without even a hint of a discussion with me.
A sentimentalist has juz bitten the dust.
Gone are the times when he believed with all his heart,
That nothing is insurmountable for ties bonded by blood.
Gone.
With this single stroke.
A stroke that pushed him to the abyss of cynicism.
He emerged defiant,
But disillusioned and jaded.
He lives in perpetual shrouds of gloom and distrust,
Preferring the empty shell than believing again.
I'm not yet this man.
I dont want to be this man.
This sad sad man.
And i can only hope.
That the storms are indeed ephemeral,
And the sun will shine eventually,
For trust to bloom again.
Yet for all that i hope,
I remain stubborn.
I refuse to pander to their conservatism and distrust.
It's their problem to deal with.
If they cant deal with it,
Then too bad.
It's their loss.
I'm sounding bitter,
But i hate injustice.
Do not expect me to accomodate.
There's no room for even a tinge of compromise here.
For there is no trust in the first place.
Then what else is left?
I need sleep.
Sweet slumbery sleep.
Balm of nature.
Hold me safe and tight,
In your trusty embrace.

2004-08-13T04:17:00.000+08:00

Unbearable Sadness of Being

I blog again.
At 4 am.
In this anguish,
I write again.
In this despair,
I try again.
I cant master words and thoughts right now,
Neither can i control this sadness,
This unbearable sadness.
Anguish
Bleakness.
Disconsolateness.
Despondence.
Melancholy.
Misery.
Moodiness.
Sorrow.
Woefulness.
These nine words are yet inadequate,
To describe the complete sadness that i am feeling.
Family,
The boulders that will stand the test of Time,
The faith that keeps one sane,
Is against me.
How i wail against this injustice!
This empty injustice!
I always believe,
When the whole world doesnt believe in me anymore,
My family would still trust me,
And keep faith in me,
And love me,
For who i am.
Yet right now,
They are angry and upset with me,
For something i'm not even guilty of,
Without even discussing with me,
Without facts nor evidence,
Mere assumptions.
Is it really that simple?
One is wrong,
And others right?
Are things really what they seem?
Or do we need to pry open what the surface conceals?
I've explained myself,
Albeit in words.
How much of it gets through is anyone's guess.
How much longer will i be misunderstood,
Isnt up to my discretion.
I only hope.
I only pray.
That the truth will prevail.
That sorrow brings forth strength.
I heave a sigh.
An inexorable sigh.
A sigh of great distress.
I need no sympathy.
I need no concern.
I need no kind words.
What i need is thus.
Trust.
Faith.
Belief.
Is it that hard?
To get these from people who matter to me?
From people dear and close.
All i ask is such.
Trust me when i promise.
Place your faith in me when suspicion arises.
Believe in me when everyone else dont.
I think the above are necessary ingredients in any relationships.
Yet somehow,
Right now,
I feel that i'm lacking all these from people.
From people who mean the world to me.
Yet to them,
I'm not their world.
I'm not.
It's such an empty feeling.
So empty that neither sorrow nor despair have any space,
To inflict emotional upheveals.
So empty that it makes emptiness so incredibly large,
That it fills one up,
And leave no space for anything else.
For the first time,
In such a long while,
I actually feel like crying.
Yet tears cant flow forth,
Coz the emptiness pervades everything,
Every emotion,
Every thought,
Every blink.
Everything.
I'm crumbling,
Against this relentless onslaught of skepticism and suspicion.
If my words arent good enough,
If my actions dont prove enough,
Then what good am i?
How much do i matter?
Why then should i believe in relationships and love?
For what i believe in,
Doesnt believe in me.
For what i stood for,
Doesnt stand by me.
For whom i trust,
Doesnt trust me back.
For whom i place my faith in,
Doesnt reciprocate.
What then is there for me?
Where else will i find what i seek?
Pray tell me.
Pray tell.
I beg.
Pray tell.

2004-08-13T02:39:00.000+08:00

Misunderstood

Yeah.
That's what i'm feeling now.
Maybe it's coz i didnt bother to communicate clearly in the 1st place.
Maybe it's coz people like to jump to conclusions.
Maybe it's coz people like to assume.
Maybe-s.
But coming from my own family,
It hurts.
Big time
Oh boy.
I hate to be accused wrongly.
I hate people to jump straight into conclusions,
Without much comprehension of situations.
I hate injustice.
Obviously it's hard to see one's flaws.
It's even harder to admit one is wrong.
But dont we juz have to see both sides,
To make a fair judgement?
I feel that i've already been sentenced without being given a chance to defend myself.
I feel injustice.
Of coz i'm pissed.
But what to do?
I need patience,
And lots of communication.
It's gonna be hard.
It's gonna take a long time.
So it gotta start now.

2004-08-09T14:40:00.000+08:00

Intertwined

Words sweet words,
Are you all true,
And unassuming?
Or are you ambiguous?
Neither rain nor shine.
For I strain,
To comprehend,
Every phrase,
Every nuance,
Every inference.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
The lows.
The highs.
How can i not?
Not feel how you feel?
How can i not?
The lows of an ebbing tide.
Exposes all and sundry;
The hidden shells,
Bits of shrouded gems,
All come to light.
I embrace them all,
For they are what i seek:
The innermost trove,
Fiercely guarded,
And most vulnerable.
Find delight in deepest cuts,
Sorrow in unabridged joys.
I might not fully understand,
But i'll be there.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
That's what i am.
In all your emotions,
Upheaval, serenity,
And everything else.

2004-08-08T15:31:00.000+08:00

Peach of a month

Orientation's finally over.
Yeah!
It's been draining.
Still Kormos won best OG.
Yeah! x2
And this has juz sunk in.
The whole thing has been pretty surreal.
With the fluctuating attendances,
I wasnt expecting much,
Only for the freshies to come daily.
So i'm delighted.
And i'm a lil' flu-ish.
And currently a lil' flushed,
From soccer in the morning.
It's such a warm afternoon,
Bearable,
But still it makes me want,
Want to laze the day away.
Maybe a siesta would help.
School's starting,
And i'm lacking one module,
And it irritates me,
Even though i'm pretty sure,
It'll all be corrected come 10th Aug.
Anyway,
My birthday came and went.
Juz like that.
I'm a year older.
Wiser?
I'm not sure.
This year's birthday is a pretty good one,
For me.
For one,
I have people celebrating with me,
And of coz some lovely surprises along the way.
So things are all rosy and pink.
Which i presume is good.
Melancholy,
My trusty night-time companion,
Seems a long long distance away.
And in its place,
I count my blessings.

2004-08-03T01:49:00.000+08:00

I know

Vague look in your eyes,
Something is boiling beneath.
The casual goodbye,
An incrimination.
The distant gaze,
Relic that glossed over,
My unwitting staining,
Of immaculate whiteness.
Curved lips,
Across expressionless terrain.
A frown disguised as a smile,
Weak and half-concealed.
Oh! The chill...
The very chill of imagination,
Which seeks much-needed mitigation.
I can read the signs,
But what i want is,
For you to spell forth.
A PhD in asking" Why?",
Doesnt placate nor conciliate.
A knighthood in "I understand" would suffice.
Aint no point just knowing,
Without apprehending the crux.
Pray tell.

2004-08-01T03:41:00.000+08:00

Catharsis

Last night,
This time,
I was having a severe mood swing.
Probably caused by the accumulation,
Of pretty small but irritating stuff,
Over the day.
Plus the fact that i'm lacking my much-needed sleep.
The long silent walk around campus,
Made me ruminate a little,
And i asked myself questions.
Questions that i probably could've answered,
If i had dug deeper,
But ultimately did not.
Earlier in the day,
I took my IPPT,
And achieved my Gold,
However,
The overcoming of this physical challenge,
Is tempered by my inablilty to triumph over personal flaws,
Which irks me more than anything else.
The odd melancholy would have lasted throughout the night,
If not for the silent understanding that i received,
The thoughtful sms which i couldnt reply to,
And the smile that dispelled the gloom.
So i'm thankful.
And i'm 'purified'.
Sometimes,
All a man needs is just some encouragements,
And lots of silent understanding.
Other times,
He just needs sex.
In jest i wrote the previous line.
Forgive me,
I couldnt help it.

2004-07-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

Innuendoes

Decadence.
Surely that is the word to describe everything about me right now.
Maybe we could throw in 'Indulgence' as well.
Today, I finally defeated the Zzz monster at 4 pm.
Which meant i had super late lunch,
And i wasnt really delighted over the food selections and tastes.
Of coz,
I didnt have anything planned for the rest of the day,
Which might translate into juz bumming around,
Whiling away precious precious time.
Of coz,
If i dig into the deeper recesses of my mind,
I would know that i have bigger things to do than bum around.
One would be to go for a long over-dued jog,
Coz my IPPT is in 2 days time.
Not that it would have made a big difference,
But at least i would know that i have tried,
In vain, for that elusive 400 bucks.
And of coz,
Modules bidding,
Which was screwed up by the entire CORS team and their idiotic system.
Is it anything new?
And i duly gave them a piece of my mind,
About how sucky i think their pretentious system is.
And they replied in kind,
Said they could do nothing over the screw-up.
And poor me could only bid in Round 1c.
This is so irritating.
But i left it at that,
Placing full faith in PS as an obscure major,
Which few students would have any interest in.
Lastly,
I am so super broke.
I think 500 a month is insufficient for me.
It SHOULD be adequate,
But i absolutely have no idea where my $ went.
And of coz,
I have to plan for next month,
And the month after......
Sometimes, the $ issue is driving me nuts.
Other times, I juz cant be bothered.
Like how i'm making plans to watch movies, meet for dinners, coffee etc.
Anyway,
O week's coming.
I cant decide if i'm excited or apprehensive over it.
Maybe it's neither.
I juz cant articulate that tingling feeling,
Not even if it's positive or negative vibes.
Oh, to hell with that.
I'll juz take things as they come.
I'm cool.
What else?
Hmmm......
Oh yah,
I've been having dreams,
Consecutively,
Different,
And consuming.
Dont ask me to elucidate,
Coz i've forgotten most of them,
And the rest are plain embarrassing.
The thing is,
I'm looking into my psyche and inner thoughts,
Trying to find some reasons to explain these dreams,
Which plagued every sleep of mine.
And of coz,
The Subconscious refuses to divulge anything,
Saying i should instead ask the Conscious,
And duly referred me to it.
And of coz the Conscious was flabbergasted,
And entertained me with some hot tea and biscuits,
Then shoo-ed me away,
Saying it's busy with higher thoughts and ideas.
At least it told me to phone Brain or Experience,
But i couldnt get through to Brain.
Maybe some synapses are faulty.
Then i tried calling Experience,
But it had some stoopid automated voice that says:
"Experience is currently away on a crusade for pleasure,
Kindly leave your message after the beep.
Beep."
Oh well, i thought,
I could do with some pleasure as well.
Who needs to decipher dreams,
When pleasure is at hand.
*grinz*
*hangs a Do-Not-Disturb sign*