Someday

 

Someday when you are lost and weary,

When you forget the person you've always wanted to be,

You can come back home,

And we will reminisce together and remind you of who you really are deep down inside;

A kind, innocent, gentle, inquisitive, loving, smart, creative, funny girl,

Our sweet daughter, our princess.

 

 Dear Elizabeth

Do you know why sometimes I’m fierce and scolds you even though you are only five years old?

Do you know why I keep telling you to be a good person when you grow up, to learn how to love mei mei and love your family, to be strong and to try and learn how to solve the many little problems that you faced?

It’s not because I’m angry at you or I think you are doing something wrong, not because I don’t love you anymore and not because you are not a good girl.

It’s because you are exactly like me. Like papa.

Papa is exactly like you. Sometimes I’m scared but I pretend I’m not. Sometimes I act selfish and tell myself I’m not selfish. Sometimes I also do things very slowly even when people keep chasing me. Sometimes I forget to do the things I’m supposed to do. Sometimes I doubt myself so much and I don’t think I can do it. Sometimes I keep everything inside and don’t tell anyone. But this only makes me unhappy and more tired.

That’s why I don’t want you to be like me. 

Shall we both work harder to become a better person? 

Sometimes when papa is not a good papa, can you remind me to do better and work harder? And sometimes when you forget our promise today or throw a tantrum, I’ll remind you too.

Promise, and I love you.

 ABOUT TIME 

 

I've just finished re-watching the movie About Time,

And it reminded me greatly about a lot of things that I've forgotten or kept hidden in the recesses,

About a lot of things that I think I'm doing right,

But which I'm not and have not.

I cant remember what I had felt then, 

Or whether there were any little epiphanies,

The first time I watched this years ago.

I definitely felt it this time round.

The clarity, oh the clarity...

I looked at the table outside and instead of seeing little bits of paper strips and hearts,

Wildly strewn all over,

I saw my daughters' imprints and fleeting images of their childhood,

The little joys that we had shared together cutting, gluing and folding stuff.

Gently, 

I reminded my wife that very soon,

These two girls wont be cutting up pieces of paper hearts anymore,

And that we need to be more present in the moment,

Instead of sometimes feeling that it is a chore to jaga them while the other is busy.

I'm suddenly feeling so much guilt and tugging of heartstrings,

Simply because I've not been the role model for my daughters,

That I thought I was or wished to be.

 

A wrong road is sometimes paved with good intentions.

 

All I wanted for Elizabeth is to not be like me,

Except that she is very much like me,

All my flaws and all.

I see it so clearly,

My pride, my pretended nonchalance, my sensitivities, my insecurities, my many veils and facades...

Instead of being harsh to her and hoping she learns from my 'teachings',

Maybe all she needs is my love and understanding,

To show her that I believe in her and will always support her.

That I know she needs to undertake her own journey;

One with many trials and tribulations,

And difficult and heartbreaking days,

Wrought by wrong choices,

And sometimes blinded by pride,

Or patched over by indifference and ennui,

With sprinkles of sunshine and rainbows in between.

 

Everyone needs to go through these,

To build that moral compass,

For your heart to truly feel, resonate, to empathize, to open up,

Not from words spoken or unspoken,

But to know inherently what is right and what is wrong to you,

To not bend the knee when we need to stand tall and firm,

To be confident and love the person that we are,

Flaws and all. 

Because only when we learn to accept and love ourselves,

Can we truly love someone else.

 

This Small Hand

Until you let go of this hand that you're holding so tightly,
I will stand by you.
Run around and dream with confidence, my baby,
Whenever you fall,
I will be with you.
I know you will let go of this hand,
And fly away someday.
In case the world tires you out,
Don't forget there is a place where you can always return.

Silent Melancholy of Men

Two years ago,

On a dusty wind-swept street of Taiwan,

Words from friends pierced through the many veils and barriers that I have placed over the years,

Right through to the abyss of my heart,

Where all my fears and regrets have been tangled and hidden from even myself.

Two years ago,

On a return flight from Taiwan,

Regretful tears cascaded down.

I was still not half the man that I wanted to be.

Two years later,

Sitting along a bustling roadside eatery in Vietnam,

Five friends shared about their burdens, regrets and challenges.

The silent melancholy of men was heard,

And hearts become intertwined;

Sharing each other’s load,

And becoming each other’s anguish and pain. 

Despite the sheen, the poise, the demeanour, that we exude daily,

We are still just a man.

We are fallible.

We make mistakes.

Many times and over and over again.

We carry our burdens,

And sometimes carry others' burdens too,

As a leader would. 

We cry tears too,

Often silently and in our hearts.

Yet we fight on.

For we cannot be seen as weak in the societal roles that we play.

We don’t talk about these often enough,

Yet we want to be heard.

We also play the role of a son.

And sometimes because of these two words: 证明,
We want to do too many things,

We get lost in the wilderness, 

We deviate from our paths.

We work hard for approvals,

And view it as love.

And when it is withheld,

We burn, we pine and we perish.

We just want to be loved,

By people close and near.

A child wants to make the parents proud,

But all the parents want,

Is for the child to be happy.

Two years later,

On a return flight from Vietnam,

I stifle a sniffle,

And soldier on.

I Will Be The Light

3 months ago,
I desperately asked for a chance:
Let me walk in the light.
I have strayed from the light so many times.
I made up excuses to assuage myself.
I ran and ran and did nothing.

The fervent wishing suddenly morphed,
Into a concrete understanding and belief -
I will walk in the light.
Suddenly,
The light behind the glowing molten door didn’t seem so far away and unreachable anymore.
I’m basking in the light.

Let me be the light.
The enlightenment transcends.
Heart opened,
A strange overwhelming desire engulfed me.
Can I really be the light?
For those close and near.

I will be the light.
I can be the safe harbour.
I can be the gentle moonlight.
I can be the silent sunshine.
I can be the invisible hand.
I can and I will.

So this is how almost dying feels like.

The Plane ✈️ 

On such a return journey,

Seated at the back of a plane,

All previous thoughts consolidated,

My regrets became reflections at once.

Emotions stirred 
And churned within me,

Hidden tears flowed,

Every word I read,

Every thought battered my heart,

Manifesting with such clarity,

All that was wrong with my life.

I have never been so emotional in my life.

Never.

A friend on the trip,

(I paused and trembled at the thought of what he said,

Several pauses and holding back of unabashed tears later)

Said "You have so many regretful knots inside of you, 
You can be so much more the man if they are untied".

Another friend nodded knowingly.

I had become so transparent.

I had become so vulnerable.

I had become so real.

No longer hiding behind so many veils and facades.

I had not understood the importance of that dinner, 
That conversation, 
That moment.

Not until now.

Standing outside on the dusty, wind-swept Taipei street, 

I said that my life has only one real breakthrough -

That leap of faith, 

That stifling of pride,

That brandishing of courage that years of regret had buried,

That pursuit of love relentlessly.

It was at that moment that I fully understood 
What "nothing is impossible if you really want it" means.

It also means I finally found the meaning of love.

One breakthrough in thirty-five years.

I could have done so much better.

Everyone around me could have been so much better off.

My father once told me that 成家 precedes 立业, 
Simply because once our hearts are settled, 
We can focus on crafting our careers.

I thought I should focus on 立业 now, 
Since I have already married the love of my life.

But right at this moment,

I knew,

That I have not 成家, 
Because marriage does not automatically equate 成家.

I need to work so much more on my marriage,
So that it could truly transcend 
The intertwining of two hearts 
And that silvery visage.

Right at this moment,

I also fully realized the error of my ways,

My wanton neglect of family, health, work, friends and mind.

I (might have) understood why another friend suddenly cried so hard at the club.

I understood what my parents have been telling me all these years.

I understood that my self-explained excuses are a form of escaping.

I understood that I still dabble in dots and dashes while thinking I am painting with broad strong strokes.

An Epiphany - The Journey, The Process, The People

We are all trying to forge our own paths,
Shape our destinies,
Pierce through the fog of uncertainty,
Of unspoken burdens,
Of something bigger than ourselves;
Striving for an understanding and breakthrough,
In Self,
In Traditions,
In the greater Purpose,
Of why we are here,
Who we are,
The roles we play,
Our vision that will ultimately determine our view.

In this journey of self-discovery and boundaries-pushing,
We all have different motivations,
Different challenges,
Different paths,
Yet it seems we are all on the same odyssey,
Sharing each other's burdens, fears and successes;
Parallel arteries that diverge and intertwine,
Hearts that vibrate to the same iron string,
Accepting the company of contemporaries,
The connection of events,
The lack of bombast and vanity.

Moments like this will never replicate,
In its entirety.
Fleet-footed transience sculpt the most beautiful memories;
Reminiscence and its fragility,
The two sides of yearning and gaiety.

Here we are,
Meandering streams,
Making our way to the sea,
Nourished by each raindrop that delicately ripples the surface,
Appreciating the sun's daily arduous journey across the sky,
Marveling at the way night imperceptibly fills up the day.

Youth and its follies.
Life and its ironies.
Perspective and its rose-tinted hue.
Beginnings and their ends;
Ending points are sometimes actually starting points.

You Are More Than Words (最Good Boy就是你)

You Are More Than Words (最Good Boy就是你)

We lost Furby today.

A dog that has brought so much happiness into our lives;
A dog that is always cheerful unless there are thunderstorms;
A dog that has accompanied us through major moments;
A dog that has left his messy paw-prints in our hearts;
A dog that we consider the baby of the family;
A dog that dislike other dogs;
A dog that I ran over with a car and survived;
A dog that is unafraid of injections;
A dog that helms the fort when we are not at home;
A dog that is the epitome of focus and unwavering single-mindedness;
A dog that taught us how to be kind and caring;
An adorable, handsome, greedy, sleepy, brave dog.


I wish Furby knows how to open doors;
I wish Furby knows how to go downstairs and bring up a cup of water;
I wish Furby knows how to switch on the heater;
I wish Furby knows how to drive a car;
I wish Furby knows how to cook maggie mee;
I wish Furby can tell us how he feels sometimes;
I wish Furby knows that we all miss him;
I wish Furby don't blame us for letting him go before his time;
I wish Furby didn't have to suffer and feel pain;
I wish I know why he struggled to stand up and look at us while we said our goodbyes;
I wish that he didn't feel abandoned when we left;
I wish he could have a bit more time with us...
I wish...

Unabashed Feelings

It seems that only when I experience sudden, unexpected epiphanies,
That words start flowing from my soul again.
Words that had abandoned me,
In my bliss,
In my tedium dis-interest,
In my wilderness wanderings.

Words,
Heartfelt words,
After such long absences,
Nourished my soul,
Like a dried-up riverbed,
Feeling the cool, returning streams again.
Like the perpetual moon,
Silently guiding me home.

Courage,
To profess your love,
To admit your shortcomings,
To accept your failures,
To lay down your pride,
To persist in the face of adversity,
To rise from stupor, ennui and inertia,
To start again from scratch,
To tear down walls and veils,
To take on new challenges,
To face your hidden fears.

The sheer amount of unreal, fake, unscrupulous people that I have met in the business world,
Have slowly but surely made me the cynical and jaded man today.
Yet,
In the short duration of this business course,
My faith in humanity, decency and passion is rekindled again.

Regret,
Is too simple a word,
Too painful a word,
To describe how I feel when I look back on my lack of pursuit and excellence in academia.
Ashamed is more appropriate.
I dallied and dabbled throughout my education,
Throughout my life;
Unaware that I had the opportunity so many didn't have.
I have studied so much,
Yet learned so little.

I see so many successful people here,
In terms of their businesses,
In terms of taking charge of their lives,
Yet they have such unwavering passion for learning,
For wanting to take on new challenges;
Whether it is a new way of seeing things,
Whether it is conducted in a language they are weak in,
Whether it is to tear down something they have built in order to create something new.
When you are supposedly at the pinnacle of your success,
When you are supposedly near the sunset of your life,
You embrace and pursue as if at Life's infancy.
That is courage that so many young people don't have, me included.
That is a courage that I very much admire and endeavour to learn from.

I have learned so much.
I have also unlearned so much.
 
Yet it is only the beginning of a journey,
One in which I am the protaganist,
Where I have to play so many parts,
From now till the end;
To be the beacon for so many ships,
To be the safe harbour for so many loved ones,
To be the one to make difficult decisions,
To put away Self, Vanity and Glory.

I just want to say thank you.

Because,
Throughout this learning journey,
You have not judged me,
You have guided me without reservations,
You have shared Life's lessons with me in hope that I heed them,
And not make the same mistakes you made.
 

What are you most afraid of?

Disappointing my loved ones.
That's what.
Self-destruction while I'm on this topic.

I feel sad.

Friendships - Gained and Lost

Sometimes in Life,
We got to take a step back and re-evaluate,
Our priorities in Life.
Essentially,
Every man is an island,
No one is truly altruistic.

For me,
Friendship is of paramount importance.
Loyalty and Brotherhood shape the person that I am today.
That's why I feel extremely bothered, concerned and ultimately,
Saddened,
When I project into the future,
And all I see are friendships being tested and lost.
I will try my best and ensure that my bleak assessment don't materialise.
While it will may be inevitable,
That bonds may not be as strong as before,
With each passing phase of Life,
The basis on which our friendships are forged,
Should not be forgotten and left to dissipate.

I can only hope,
And do my best.

Sometimes,
Adversity can bring out the best or worst in a person.
We shall see.
It shouldn't be that fragile,
But Reality is harsh.
We got to accept that.

It'll be weird...

This phrase keeps haunting me,
Like an albatross that refuses to go away.

Signs

Sometimes,
In Life,
We got to learn how to read signs.
Learning how to read signs is just the start.
Following the signs you have read from random events and/or quotes,
Are quite another matter altogether.
It requires courage at times.
It requires foolishness sometimes.
It requires another sign for you to follow the first sign most of the time.
Stop thinking.
Stop deliberating.
Stop being wishy-washy.
Just do it!
Are you afraid to be the same in valour,
As you are in words?

how happy is the blameless vestal's lot

Life is one big circle and one big irony,
Where we go one big round,
And find that our end point was actually our starting point,
And realising that it's the journey that matters afterall.

Fate is one big inexplicable ferris wheel,
Where we peer out of transparent glass panes,
And wished we were somewhere else,
With someone else,
Yet deep down,
We knew we are already where we wanted to be,
Our links to people pre-destined,
And that all things happen for a reason.

Love is.....
The moment of stark unadulterated joy of freedom.
The moment where the river finally meets the sea,
After meandering an arduous journey across chiselled terrains.
The moment wintry frost melts with Spring's infancy.
The moment where time stood still,
And we are encased and entrapped in an endearing cocoon,
Safe, snug and secure.
The moment where their eyes met,
And everyone else disappeared.
The moment where he smiled in his heart,
And she smiled a seraphic resplendent smile in return.
The moment we decide to take a plunge,
A leap of faith into invariable depths of hurt, loss and pain,
Just to love someone.

MMG

n_n

Getting Old
I can feel it.
It started with the strained arm and shoulder on Sunday.
It's continuing with the badly sprained leg today.

Age is catching up.
A third of my life has passed by,
Resigned to mere recollection of memories of yester-years.

For all the meandering and drifting,
I have faith that the river will reach the sea eventually.

There may be questions,
There may be doubts,
Faith and trust will glow brighter with time.

Trust Thyself,
Every Heart Vibrates To That Iron String

Tapas

It was a good session.
To be able to say what I felt,
To listen to what you feel.

We all make choices in life.
Just don't understand why we cant replicate it in any business endeavours.
I feel it's risky,
You don't.
Belief.
Confidence.
That's all that matters, isn't it?
And of course,
Passion.

It's also sad to get the feeling that friendships,
Despite all these years of nurturing,
Trials and tribulations,
Are so fucking fragile.

Yet,
I'm the romantic sort.
I think that,
Another few years down the road,
We'll look back at this episode,
And laugh at ourselves,
And chide each other,
For the pettiness,
And ego and pride,
And temporary blindness...

I truly believe so.
We've been through quite a bit,
To let such a small thing upset the balance.
When push comes to shove,
When we are down and out,
We'll know who will be there,
And who won't.
In the end, it's all that matters.

Mirror In Between

It's been like a dream,
This past week.
The unreality of it all.

From the crest of a wave,
Top of the world,
To the plummeting depths,
And washed aground.

Trance-like,
I wonder:
What if my dreams mirror my waking thoughts?
How then do I differentiate?

In the end,
When the dust has settled,
All that matters,
Are the simple truths in a tangled web of complexity.
Nothing else matters...