NIGHT

Somewhere down the road,
I pondered.
You wondered.
Whether this is all right?
In a twinkle of starlight,
We've shared so much.
Under the lucent beams,
We laughed and cried.
The passion with which I once wrote,
Furiously,
Relentlessly,
Has come to pass.
Nothing really matters anymore,
Except you.
Except that you cant see it.
Inspiration deserts me.
Determination I never have.
Which leaves me with only Hope, Faith and Love.
They are my subsistence,
My existence,
My reality.
I cannot hope to recreate my past,
And I do not want to either.
All I want is to have a Present shared only by us,
Memories that matter only to us.
Cant you see?
I pine, I burn, I perish.
In your fire.
In our flames.
A smile from you really brightens up my day.
Your cheerfulness rubs off me.
I act silly along with you.
I'll go wherever you wanna go.
I'll do whatever you wanna do.
I'll sing whatever you wanna sing.
A tune.
A melody.
Of sweet sadness.
For you cannot be happy all the time.
And the inverse is true.
I'll feel blue when you are sad.
I'll pout when you pout.
I'll sulk when you sulk.
For we are intertwined,
Emotionally.
"Forever and a day!"
I subscribe to this maxim as well.
A day can last forever.
Forever can be over in a day.
Angles angles...
Sweet slumber seduces me.
Sweet angelic face of yours beckons.
Peace descends like turtledoves on window sills.
And all I see are ruffled hair,
A heaving bosom,
Arched body,
And a slight smile,
Of one being contended with her lot in life.
I see a mirror of myself,
In you.
Sweet dreams.

Fourteen Days

On the first day - Pebbles
On the second day - Photos

Essential Brew

It's been a long long time since I last worked.
And today is my 1st day working at Essential Brew.
And I'm totally tired out.
I concede that it was quite a good experience,
But I sincerely doubt I can work like 3 day a week.
And I didnt expect Kevin and his gf to drop by,
And splurge on food and drinks the way he did,
Considering his food poisoning scare juz yesterday.
For people who might take a kick out of me serving them,
You can try your luck by visiting Essential Brew,
However,
I'm not inclined to give out my schedule.
Totally super duper slack with regards to school work man.
When will I buck up?
Tough question.
Simple answer.
But I dont have the strength to inquire further.
Shall juz leave it as that.
A question that needs an answer,
When it already knows,
But refuses to acknowledge.

After what seems an extended ennui

I guess my posts are getting far and few nowadays.
I wonder where all my initial fervour about blogging has gone.
I dont feel excited about detailing every significant event,
That has happened to me anymore.
They dont seem consequential anymore.
A lot of things dont seem consequential anymore.
More of water off a duck's back.
And I dont know why.
Maybe it's coz I dont bother to think about them.
Sometimes I'm bewildered,
By the inconsistencies that I exhibit.
I seem to be juz drifting.
Juz waiting.
For what exactly,
I have no idea.
'ennui'
That seems to be a perfect fit on how I'm feeling right now.
Languishing at home on a Monday afternoon,
With nothing to do,
Or look forward to.
On a side note,
I'm finally moving into hall.
After weeks of procrastination,
I've finally gotten my gears moving,
And packed up all my stuff.
Suffice to say,
I'm still procrastinating on the actual deal of moving them into my room,
And setting the whole place up,
So it will be fit for living in.
Maybe a change of enviroment might be a catalyst,
To snuff out the indolence in me.
Maybe.
Juz a little maybe.

A Decade

It's been 10 years.
10 long years.
10 short years.
10 years of friendship.
10 years of soccer.
10 years of growing up.
10 years of changes.
10 years of continuity.
I look forward to many more to come.
More soccer to be played.
More football to be watched.
More fantasy leagues to be discussed.
More crap to be exchanged.
More profanities to be hurled.
More kopi sessions.
More bonding.
More laughters.
More tears.
More fustrations.
More self-pitying.

A soft sigh left my lips as I typed.
Heavy is my heart.
Despite all the smiles and laughters during dinner,
The tug at the bottom of my heart remains taut and unyielding.
To understand someone is really difficult.
Sometimes,
We don't bother to even make an effort to get past all the superficialities.
However,
To really know someone,
Presumes that the someone is willing to be known by you.
1 year on,
And I'm still second-guessing,
Even though my instincts are usually spot on.
I can read the signs,
But that's not good enough.
1 year on,
And I need to pre-empt.
I dont run away from the 1st sign of trouble.
I'm a fighter.
Yet,
Sometimes,
I dont even know what exactly I'm fighting against.
I do know why I'm fighting;
For someone so important to me.
However,
Tenacity cannot last forever,
For fatigue will creep in,
For doubts will germinate,
In time to come,
And in these seeds of doubt,
Will grow an unwieldly forest of vacuums,
Chasms of emptiness,
Where nothing resides,
Where nothing is linked,
Where two hearts reach out in vain,
Trying to connect,
And feeling only gulfs of insurmountable space.
To choose;
To be or not to be?
I dont know anymore.
Every skepticism makes me doubt,
Every pessimism dilutes my beliefs,
Every act of surrender,
Of giving up,
Hurts me more,
And weakens my resolve.
Can I take 1 more blow?
I do not know.
All I know is that I'm a fighter.
But even the best fighter loses sometimes.
I cannot fight alone.
For unity is strength.
As long as one does not give up,
There is still a chance,
However slight it may be.

Ages

It's been ages since I last blogged.
Yeah.
What's new?
The last 20 days have been a blur.
Arts camp was one reason.
The other was coz I've been bumming around too bloody much.
I think about what I do with my hols,
And what others do with theirs,
And I duly noted the differences in attitude.
Granted,
There was no financial need for me to look for a job.
And I felt no shame in bugging my mum for my monthly allowances.
Sigh...
My account's empty at the end of every single month,
And I'm freaking 23 soon.
Talk about being a failure.
It's easy to slam oneself.
It's easy to overlook one's own flaws.
It's ironic I guess.
I'm terrible with finances.
Not a good omen.
I'm terrible with discipline.
Not a good sign either.
I'm juz plain lucky.
Juz plain lucky.
Sometimes I wonder when my luck will run its course.
Maybe that's when I'll finally realise,
Realise that my life should be charted by myself,
My own hard work and toil,
Not shaped by luck or its accomplice.
Someday.
Maybe someday.
Why not today?
Since I realise the problem now,
Why dont I do anything about it?
That is precisely my point.
Sigh...
Think that is enough self-deprecation for one night.

Solitary dinner

Juz came back from the hospital.
Grandad juz had an operation.
Lung cancer I think.
There he was,
In ICU,
Looking frail and delicate.
Long gone was the robustness and dexterity.
At least he seems better now.
I had often thought long and hard,
On sleepless nights,
About Death.
My death.
My loved ones' deaths.
It seems to be a taboo topic,
Yet in my mind,
It is anything but.
Sometimes,
One juz cant control what s/he thinks.
The more I try to get some random thought out of my mind,
The more it flits about and bothers me.
This is exactly what happens when I latch onto the topic of Death,
Unknowingly.
I honestly think that I'm not ready to accept Death's reality.
And I dread,
So dread,
Its imminent stealth.

On my drive back home,
I saw all those little close brushes with death,
That is so inherent in my driving.
Thus I slowed down and placed BOTH hands on the steering.
In flashes,
The oncoming glares,
Made my eyes crinkle,
Made my mind skip,
Skip,
And I sort-of saw the mortality of it all.
Suspended by a spider-thread,
Broken by Nature's winds,
Rains,
Elements,
The occasional intrusions,
Of inevitability.

I had fed my grandad his dinner.
Spoonful by spoonful,
I fed him bland porridge.
Out of the corner of my eyes,
I saw an unattended unintended tear,
Quietly gathering mass,
At the corner of his right eye.
I thought I saw,
In a split second,
As he glanced at me,
A glistening gaze.
I was struck by a wave of endearment.
I had touched him,
As much as he had moved me.
In this little gesture,
It seems to me,
That the wheel had almost turned one full circle.
He talked about us,
His grand-children,
In tones of pride and passion.
He talked about his own children,
And their toil and labour,
Like closed chapters.
And I saw,
Briefly,
How he had lived,
His moments through space and time,
And how he has lived.
I saw him,
A wary and expectant immigrant,
Making his way across the unknown,
Crammed together with other wary and expectant fellows.
I saw too,
Through his words,
The harsh conditions during the Occupation.
I saw a lot,
But i couldnt feel.
I couldnt re-create an expereince that is not mine.
And that is what I feel is lost.
A whole volume of experiences,
Lost in the inadequacy of words.

I reached home,
And had a solitary dinner.
I could have asked friends out for dinner.
I didnt.
Somehow,
I juz feel that in company,
If emotional state of minds arent in tandem,
Then we are all alone,
Where a wind-swept street,
Is warmer,
Than a crowded party.
I had chosen to embrace this solitude,
This state of mind,
This rosy melancholy.
And tonight I'll pray,
For all my loved ones,
Close and far,
Known and unknown,
That they can look up in the sky,
And see a solitary star shining,
With all its might,
And they be wrapped in bliss and peace.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Watch the sneaks today.
I was highly disappointed.
I had so loved the book.
Read the entire 5 volumes four times.
And my interest remains unabated.
Yet,
What I watched today,
Can be considered a travesty of the original version.
Douglas would definitely be turning in his grave.
No doubt Douglas had a hand in initiating the movie,
And its screenplay,
But he couldnt live to see it completed.

Warning!!! Spoilers ahead!!!

For all the cutesy animations,
It seems too 70s to me,
And comes across to me as a very low-budget and slipshod film.
Instead of a wacky, original, creative and comedic version,
As the book undoubtedly is,
This movie makes romance its main theme.
Soapy romance at that.
Goodness gracious...
Trillian and Authur werent even a couple in the book,
Though there was a slight hint of romance,
As well as a bratty and confused 'daughter'.
Even Marvin,
One of my fav. characters,
Looked like those kinda toys that they sell in comic shops,
That goes 'nodding' and 'nodding'.
Oh,
And by the way,
Zaphod's twin heads became stuck on one another,
Rather than side by side.
Even Ford,
Played by a black,
Lacked authenticity,
Who seems to use and exhibit his towel ever so often,
That I cant help feeling the towel represents a not-so-clever subterfuge,
Which I presume is supposed to hide the deficient fleshing of characters.
The biggest problem of this movie,
Is its inability to portray genuine images of all the spacey gadgets and mish-mash,
Like the spaceships of course,
As well as the Vogons etc...
I simply can't imagine that the Heart of Gold,
Appears as a teapot in the movie.
There is worse to come,
When the ship engages its improbability drive,
It appears as different kinds of fruits and flowers.
Talk about creativity and originality.
PUI!!!
I could do better,
Anytime.
After so much criticism,
I have reached the moral of the story -
That is,
Imagination is one of man's most powerful tools.
That is the difference between a normal bestseller,
And a brillantly thought and executed book.
And that is also the reason,
Why old-fashion books will still endure,
The relentless assault of the Internet and its e-books,
Or crap movie versions.
Such a disappointment.
I had waited so long for it.
Oh,
Last of all,
The babelfish,
Which spawned so many translation sites and meanings,
Looked like a deformed goldfish.
God knows what they did to a perfectly normal goldfish to create that.
Sigh...

I Wonder Why

He who binds to himself
A joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
He who kisses the joy
As it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise. Blake

It's been many many days
Since I had any such wonderings
Of consequence.
(To me at least)
I wondered last night,
As I dished out this verse to T,
Whether I really believed in it,
Or is it just a romantic notion,
Or is it just the beauty in sequencing of words.
I'm still a walking contradiction as the dawn breaks.
I cant decide.
Now,
I just realised,
That the reason why i cant make up my mind,
Why I cant comprehend,
The meaning of this verse to me,
Is simply because,
I've twisted it to suit me.
All this while,
I've interpreted it in my fashion;
That is,
"joy" as 'love interest',
Which was as it applied to T.
So when i currently see the verse for what it is,
In its originality,
I see its meaning,
And subsequently,
Its beauty.

I was wondering also,
As i was brushing my teeth just,
About this insect,
Motionless on my bathroom mirror.
It was inert and impassive.
Which was what I prescribed,
And perceive it to be.
Maybe it was afraid,
Or just hoping I wont notice.
Anyway,
I wondered about why,
Why this insect is here,
What is its purpose?
I mean,
It's not a spectacular insect,
It doesnt have many colours;
It's just common,
With 6 thin spindly legs,
And a boring grey body.
So what is its function?
I'm inclined to think,
That everyone serves a purpose in the grand scheme of life,
Or else,
Why would we even exist?
(Who's purpose?)
*I'm not talking God, His creation, and religion here*
I wondered if I'm being too presumptuous here.
Can I just wonder about its existence,
And its place in the whole scheme of things?
I mean,
I dont even know my place and my existence!!!
And i'm assuming details about it,
When i dont even know it,
When i dont even know what it does,
What it eats.
Maybe it knows its purpose in life.
Maybe it knows why it is here for.
I was assuming it doesnt know,
Because I'm the one who's fretful about such stuff.
Suddenly,
It dawned upon me,
That I (or we) tend to lapse into such assumptions and perception,
When we are clueless about stuff,
So we imbue upon them,
Our own understanding and view,
Which might be false to a fault.

A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Blake

Doors of Perception

We live together,
We act on,
And react to,
One another;
But always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves.
The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena;
They are crucified alone.
Embraced,
The lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence;
In vain.
By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude.
Sensations,
Feelings,
Insights,
Fancies - all these are private and,
Except through symbols and at second hand,
Incommunicable.
We can pool information about experiences,
But never the experiences themselves.
From family to nation,
Every human group is a society of island universes.
Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to permit of inferential understanding
Or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into."
Thus,
Remembering our own bereavements and humiliations,
We can condole with others in analogous circumstances,
Can put ourselves in their places.
But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent.
The mind is its own place,
And the places inhabited by the insane
And the exceptionally gifted
Are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live,
That there is little or no common ground of memory
To serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling.
Words are uttered,
But fail to enlighten.
The things and events to which the symbols refer
Belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience.

Such a day

Through lenses, darkly.
Such idyll,
Such melancholy.
Feeling dispossessed,
Amidst such deep calm.
Feeling detached,
Despite being close by.
Pursuit of happiness:
The more you chase,
The more it eludes...
Sweet humming hides complex emotions,
In its cradle.
The passing cloud, motionless.
The passing wave, subsiding.
The passing time, subtle.
The passing love, bittersweet.
Bittersweet symphony.
The filtered sun, weak.
The distant two, galaxy apart.
Etched in each other's hearts,
A love that refuses to conquer.
Two sad souls,
Among happy faces...

My Word!!!

I have just witnessed the game of the season!!!
It was unbelievable!!!
No.
It wasnt from United.
Sigh...
How the mighty have fallen.
I simply have to give Arsenal credit where they deserved.
It was scintillating.
They freaking scored 7 brillant goals against Everton.
It's not like Everton is a Conference team.
Arsenal thrashed the 4th best team in England 7-0.
Goodness.
The football was brillant.
Bergkamp was brillant.
Henry had his usual magic boots on.
People who didnt know which club I support,
Would have probably think I'm an Arsenal fan.
I'm not.
I'm proud to be a Man Utd fan.
But this is not their season.
Looking back on this Arsenal display,
I have every reason to fear the worst for the FA Cup final.
Ah well...
The game tonight simply reminds me the beauty of football.

P.S. Lucky Pires scored 2 goals. He's my captain!!!

A Recap

I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.

Cant we try

I See Your Face Cloud Over Like A Little Girl's,
And Your Eyes Have Lost Their Shine.
You Whisper Something Softly I'm Not Meant To Hear, Baby,
Tell Me What's On Your Mind.
I Don't Care What People Say About The Two Of Us From Different Worlds.
I Love You So Much That It Hurts Inside,
Are You Listening?
Please Listen To Me, Girl.

Can't We Try Just A Little Bit Harder?
Can't We Give Just A Little Bit More?
Can't We Try To Understand That It's Love We're Fighting For?
Can't We Try Just A Little More Passion?
Can't We Try Just A Little Less Pride?
I Love You So Much Baby,
That It Tears Me Up Inside.

I Hear You On The Telephone With God-knows-who,
Spilling Out Your Heart For Free.
Everyone Needs Someone They Can Talk To, Girl,
That Someone Should Be Me.

So Many Times, I Tried To Tell You,
You Just Turned Away.
How Did I Know?
My Life Is Changing So Fast Now,
Leaves Me Lonely And Afraid.

Don't Be Afraid, No.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
I Need You More And More Each Day.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
Can't We Try, Baby, Can't We Give A Little Bit, Little Bit...

Dan Hill

Man Utd 4 Arse 2

Nuff said.
Now for Chelsea,
And that gloating face of Mourinho,
And all smug Chelsea fans out there.

Renewed and Rejuvenated

I cant believe i took 4 hours reading,
All those blogs that i havent been reading,
For the past 1 month or so.
So it's not only me not blogging,
I dont even have the urge to read.
To read about people's lives,
Dreams,
Preceptions,
And thoughts.
All these people who have crossed my life,
In one way or another,
With this one stroke of inaction,
Have i rendered them insignificant?
At least for a while?
Being too caught up in my own little universe,
Where everything revolves around me,
Where i create anything that i dont hold,
Recreate anything that i've lost,
Imagining and self-occupying.
I think all i wanted was some time to myself,
Do anything that caught my whim and fancy,
At any moment in time.
Actually,
The more perceptive ones would have immediately known,
That i had meant slacking,
And bumming around.
Talking about slack and bum,
I skipped an ENTIRE week of lectures.
Shiok man!!!
I havent attended a Social work or Chinese Politics lecture yet.
And next week is the 3rd week of school.
Ah well...
The life of a bummer.
But i shall endeavour,
With whatever little determination i have in me,
To start studying and reading and listening next week,
And of coz,
Going for lectures is a good start.
I think typing all these isnt really good publicity.
For one,
I think my sis reads this.
Which translates:
There's a chance that she might tell mum or dad,
And that would spell the end of a certain snake.
Anyway,
In my usual cannot-be-bothered manner,
I decided that i'll leave it all up to fate,
And any form of indiscretion on her part.

I NEED A HAIRCUT!!!!!
DESPERATELY!!!
To all those who have screamed and implored me to get a haircut,
I've relented.
Tomorrow i shall.

At the end of all these grey skies,
I'm glad it's bright and cheery again.
I have never stopped believing.
I will never stop believing.
For what is lost,
Can never be recovered,
In all its entirety.

Sadly lacking

Yes.
It's been ages.
Reason?
Too many insufficient ones.
Nowadays i blog only when i experience extreme emotional upheavals,
Thus the lack of activity.
I'm still alive,
Albeit barely.
Sigh...
I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.
Reflection from a mirror,
Made up by remnant rain puddles,
Showed up a man pregnant with sorrow,
And shattered when I step on it,
Crushing its revealing visage.
Shattered too is me,
Me that takes for granted more than being taken for granted by.
I muz remember to treasure each day,
Each fleeting moments,
For they dont get recreated,
Only destined to remain in the vestiges of memory.

You were always on my mind

Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have.
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time...
You were always on my mind.
You were always on my mind.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died.
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied.
Maybe I didnt hold you,
All those lonely, lonely times,
And I guess I never told you,
I'm so happy that you're mine.
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind,
You were always on my mind.

Elvis

Heard this version while driving,
The perfect song for the perfect melancholy.
Everything seems to fall into place,
Into perception.
I understood.
You were always on my mind.
Despite everything else,
That suggests otherwise.

Baby Goldfish

As I listened,
The familiarity of memories;
Those sweet moments,
The nostalgia of wind-swept brush,
The churn of first times,
That electric suspense,
Oscilliating between tense hearts,
Finally culminating in a stolen kiss.
I listened still.
I remembered still,
Lingering sensations,
Soothing scents,
Hazy eyes,
Dreamy faces,
Mushroomy hair...
I smiled.
It hasnt been all smooth and saccharine,
Yet with every passionate outbursts,
I feel the strengthening of emotions,
Of bonds and links,
For the tempered calm after the storm,
Promises a brighter tomorrow.
There's so much I cant promise,
But all that I can,
I'll pledge,
With all my heart.
Rainy days,
Sunny days,
Mundane days,
Busy days,
Boring days,
Irritating days,
Bad days,
Bad hair days,
Mondays,
Birthdays,
Special days,
Everyday...
It doesnt matter one bit what day it is,
It matters that you are by my side,
For it's hard to smile without you.

Can't smile without you, Barry Manilow

You know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you.
You came along just like a song and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream.
Now it all seems light years away,
And now you know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I"m going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.

Coming to writing

In the beginning,
I adored.
What I adored was human.
Not persons;
Not totalities,
Not defined and named beings.
But signs.
Flashes of being that glanced off me,
Kindling me.
And the sign withdrew.
Vanished.
While I burned on,
And consumed myself wholly.
What had reached me,
So powerfully cast from a human body,
Was Beauty:
There was a face,
With all the mysteries inscribed,
And preserved on it;
I was before it.
I sensed that there was a beyond,
To which I had access,
An unlimited place.
The look incited me,
And also forbade me to enter;
I was outside,
In a state of animal watchfulness.
A desire was seeking its home.
I was that desire.
I was the question.
The question with this strange destiny:
To seek,
To pursue the answers that will appease it,
That will annul it.
What prompts it,
Animates it,
Makes it want to be asked,
Is the feeling that somewhere,
Once it is through the door,
There is the face that promises,
The answer for which one continues to move onward,
Because of which one can never rest,
For the love which one holds back from renouncing,
From giving in
-to death.
Yet,
What misfortune if the question should happen to meet its answer!
Its end!

Faith

In this dark room,
Save an insignificant light,
Spins a ceiling fan.
I pretended to sleep.
The Other,
Not so.
In this guise,
My mind spun.
A broken promise,
Weighed down all happy hours.
The room seemed darker.
It felt empty.
I felt empty.
In light's absence,
I faltered.
In faith's absence,
I stumbled.
In this broken promise,
I despaired.
The fan still spins.
Nothing changed.
Save an insignificant part of my heart - my faith.

Marathon

I completed my first marathon,
In 5 hours.
Not bad for one who didnt really train for it at all.
SW was saying we should train harder for next year's one.
Me and Jase juz shot him looks that said:
We should just train for it,
Not harder.
Now my body's aching,
My legs' seizing up every few mins,
My head's heavy,
I'll feel thirsty every half an hour,
And abrasions in areas which i shant mention.
Lucky i had nipple tapes on.
Of coz i found out a few little known facts from this marathon,
And during the course of it.
1) Do not look down on the average aunties who carries a shopping bag,
For i was overtaken by so many aunties (and uncles) en-route to the finishing line,
That i lost count.
I still remembered when the first female ran past me,
I gritted my teeth and overtook her,
But it was a very futile effort,
For she simply blew me away in the next 1 km.
2)I have never had such delight and happiness,
By juz catching sights of bananas.
After eating one,
Me and Jase held the other in our hands so tightly,
For fear of losing it,
Over the next couple of Kilometers.
Nevermind that the bananas werent ripe.
Nevermind that it's bitter and sour.
Nevermind that it refuse to be peeled.
I almost wanted to eat it skin and all.
3)Two kilometres never seemed so far away,
For I'm only motivated by the drinks stations every 2 km,
Where i can stop and walk a bit,
And gobble up my water.
But i needed to run fucking long and hard to complete just 2 km.
And that's how i finished my marathon.
2 km at a time.
4)I didnt realise how fast the kenyan runers were,
As they passed me on their return leg,
Till i took another 2 hours to get to the same location where i last saw them,
Which made me empathize with this guy,
Who was carrying a huge float and walking 42km for charity or something,
For i saw him at the 20+ km mark,
While i was halfway thru my 30+ km.
5)All sorts of thoughts went through my mind throughout the 42km.
The bananas, powergels, water, glucose and cute girls kept my body going.
Thoughts of people dear and close kept my mind going.
I felt like giving up every step of the way during the 20+ km mark,
For I cant feel my legs,
And they felt so so heavy.
I felt like crossing a divide of bushes that seperated the return leg from the one that I'm on.
But integrity kept me on the stipulated route.
6)A marathon is fucking shiong.
It reminded me of the toughest periods of my NS life,
Where my body was tested to the limits,
And my mind was in a constant struggle whether to juz give up and seek that much needed rest,
At the expense of pride and integrity.
This said,
It was a challenge I'll take up again next year.
And the year after.
And the year after.
I will try to keep less aunties from over-taking me the next time.
I will try to better my timing.
I will try to have more fun along the way.
And of coz.
I will train for it,
Hopefully,
But knowing me,
I'll juz reason:
Why train when you juz ran a marathon without training?
Well....
That's the befuddling nature of my mind.
And last of all,
Thanx Jase,
For keeping me sane throughout the 42km.

Dystopia

Juz read a simply brillant piece on dystopia.
http://chronicle.com/free/v51/i15/15b01001.htm
Muz read.
Seriously.
Ok.
I'm exaggerating.
One more paper to go.
Holiday beckons.
Admitedly,
I havent really studied with any consistency at all.
Yet i'm pretty optimistic for my eventual grades.
A little optimism wont kill,
Would it?

Bittersweet symphony

The after-rain mirrors my mind.
The torrent ends,
But it takes much longer to dry,
For remnants to leave.
It is not without a trace they leave,
For memory of the rain lingers on,
Haunting me everytime it pours again.
It's such a good time,
To feel sad and melancholic,
For the mist permits me so.
It hides the vulnerable part of me,
From prying eyes and sensitive souls.
Yet i want solace and comfort,
From trusty hearts,
To remind me I'm not alone,
And that I wont be.
It is on this new path,
That I seemed to have left people behind,
At the crossroads.
It didnt cross my mind,
Till I encountered rough patches.
What does this then make me?
One who forgets those who had been there for him,
Whenever the sun shines?
One who deceives himeslf,
That he embodies "For better or worse",
But in fact is far from it?
One who gets caught up in his own little web,
And forgets that the rest of the world,
Still spins?

I see in every faceless passer-by,
A blur hue of colours;
Images and shadows of you.
I drank that strong bitter coffee,
And it tasted bland.
I was more bitter.
With a throbbing head,
I stumbled home,
And seeked that plush bed of mine.
Bitterness had melted away,
For anger and vindictiveness,
Do not drive out bitterness,
Nor do they make things right again.
It is love that does so.

In the early morning sun
With a backpack on my back....
(whatz the next line?)

Less than 7 hrs to my 1st paper,
And still a stack of notes not revised,
I'm officially screwed.
In trying to get my sleeping habits back on track,
i.e. Sleep at night and wake in the morning,
I've found myself feeling sleepy ever so often,
And yawning incessantly,
Any time of the day(and night).
Sigh.....
Hope the questions dont screw me up big time.....
*crosses fingers and toes*
Yah lah,
And here I am acting cute.
Gawd!!!!!
I attribute it down to exams blues,
Or rather one who knows his trip to the gallows is inevitable.

Filtered sunshine

After one whole night of studying,
Or rather a couple hours of studying,
(Rest of the time consisted of crapping, eating air, and playing mastermind)
I am here,
At Temasek,
Winding down,
Crinkling against the glare,
Of thoughts and reflections,
That filtered through slanted blinds,
Riding on the rays,
That seemed to want me to see.
I had seen,
Some time ago,
But i had pushed into the recess of my mind,
These disturbing insights.
As i read,
I felt that remoteness,
That despair of one,
Who has had a taste,
But only a taste of what bliss is all about.
Long not,
For all bliss will come,
To the one who always believe,
To the one who always seems to miss out,
To the one who is always helpful,
Who sees in others,
What he wants for himself.
I'll say:
Look not into others' mirrors,
But into your soul,
On why failure seems to seek you.
Let your soul be your inquisitor,
And you the defendant.
Let you be honest with only yourself,
For it is time to stop pretending,
Even to your own soul.
Be the pattern of all patience,
For you are better off than Lear,
Who only saw on his deathbed.
Sometimes,
There are paths less travelled,
Words not spoken,
Emotions unexhibited,
People not met,
And love not found,
Yet.
What's gone,
Just let them go,
Away with the ebbing of time,
And into the the realm of emotional photographs.
Longing for what's lost,
And imagining what might have been,
Serves only to blind you,
To the multitude of opportunities,
Of acquaintances,
Of conversations,
Of unfamiliar emotions,
Of new waters.
Let loneliness,
Not encapture you in its grim grasp,
But rather,
Let bygones,
Meander down,
To the a place,
Where all things past reside in solace.
Rather than trying to capture,
Ephemeral rays of sunlight;
Bask in their warmth and glory and transience,
And marvel at all that colourful experience,
And let them go,
For if sunlight is to retain its beauty and enigmatic qualities,
It muz be free and unbounded,
And most of all,
Temporary.

In anticipation of an old friend (who never came)


On this night,
I lost sleep,
Among other things,
More worthy than sweet Lullaby.
A promise is meant to to be kept,
Despite many discontented silences.
Old and forgotten emotions flood back.
All that i did not want to experience,
Reacquainted;
Just like in old times.
I wont insist that you stay.
It is with much reluctance
And doubts that I sent you off.
No.
I am not sad.
Just that ache,
That empty ache
Of loneliness,
Loneliness that one has to bear,
Ocassionally;
For no one can accompany me,
Forever.
Yes.
I understand that.
I accept that.
Still,
Loneliness accompanies
Me.
Swift and fleeting.

I will not give up!!!

Some things are just so cruel,
Some paths just dont lead to that door,
Some games are such that you dont have to win,
Some rewards dont come from the final goal,
But from the process.

Happy Rainy Day

A dear baby goldfish has made my day with
Such thoughtfulness,
Such lovingly-wrapped packages,
Such sweet notes,
Such pretended anger,
Such coy pouts.
Ah...
Iridescent happiness...

It has not been the best of weeks,
With essays due on the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th,
Insufficient time to do adequate research,
And of coz the usual lack of motivation to start early.
These said,
Next week will be my hell week,
But I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.
I'm feeling fluish right now,
And that's coz i decided to take a slow stroll in the drizzle home,
Wrapped tightly in my jacket,
Halds in pockets,
Whistling a joyful tune.
Seeing clarity through shards of raindrops,
I rejoiced!!!
For the rainbow that's bound to appear after the rain.

The vanity of self-love

Sometimes i think i'm a bit of a narcissist.
Anyone wanna concur with me?
Or maybe i'm a vainpot as labelled by someone?

Emaciated

Today,
On my way home,
Someone i know,
Mentioned in passing,
That i look emaciated.
Once safely at home,
My dad commented that i'm damn skinny now.
Told me to look in the mirror and recognise the skeleton.
Sigh......
Am i really that skinny?
Maybe i've really lost weight.
It's been some time since i last weighed myself,
And i havent been working out dutifully.
The funny part about all this?
Most people who noticed that i 'look' skinnier,
Seem to draw their conclusions from my supposedly more protruding cheekbone.
Is a tauter cheekbone/face really a compelling sign of weight loss?
*double sigh*
I did look long and hard into the mirror,
And the eyes that looked back seem listless.
A little jaded and cynical and passionless.
And i'm all bones,
And lifeless.
It'll be exaggerating to say that i dont recognise myself in the mirror,
But i've gotta admit,
It's really hard to see oneself,
Literally.
Maybe my topsy turvy sleeping habits is catching up with me.
All those late nights,
Arent doing my well-being a whole deal of good.
I should get to bed now.
Sleep beckons.

A twitch

My right eye has been twitching the whole day,
So whoever that's been cursing me,
Please come and tell me straight in the face,
About your displeasure of me,
And i'll see that you'll leave as a satisfied customer.
But of coz,
The twitching could be coz of my lack of sleep,
Or the fact that i usually have my contacts on for more than half the day.
Anyway,
I'm feeling the heat.
So many assignments and projects to complete...
Played terribly on Sat,
Though it was a good experience.
Shall try again next sem.
For now,
My eyes desperately crave sleep.

A defence

I guess it must really take something pretty solid(and flawed),
To cajole me out of my inertia,
To finally blog some opinions again.
Was chatting with F juz now,
And a casual comment opened up a pandora's box of conflicting theories,
Of which i will try my best to explore.
"My best friend thinks I treat her better than her bf"
(Note: F is female)
Hmmm, here comes the tricky bit.
A lot of times,
Girls tend to think guys dont know how to treat them well.
Of coz we dont know!!!
We're guys, for heaven's sake!!!
We 're not biologically and emotionally attuned to understanding women and what makes them tick,
All our supposed truths are juz fallacies of some supposed few who think they've succeeded,
In understanding women and how best to treat them,
And thus those poor majority of a bunch of clueless but sincere guys,
Me included,
Are derided as copycats or stale in our approaches,
As we attain our meagre knowledge in Treating Women the Right way,
In as nonchalant a manner as possible,
Coz of our conflicting ego and pride,
From hearsays, movies, and other mediums.
The thing is,
Is there anything original still?
I havent gotten to my main point of debate yet.
F treats her gal friend(let's call her D; D for dissatisfied) better than D's bf,
Or so it seems to D anyway.
I'm being as objective as possible here,
Since i know neither D nor D's bf.
My defence of Men thus begins......
To a girl,
It's inevitable that there will arise occasions for comparisons,
And it's inherent for a girl(I'm not being sexist here) to want to compare.
However,
The comparison of her best friend's treatment of her and her bf's treatment of her,
Isnt on a level plane.
For one,
The best friend probably knows her much longer than her poor bf.
Which is thus logical for best friend to know how to treat D better.
Secondly,
They are of the same gender,
Of which her bf doesnt qualify by the mere existence of something that hangs between his legs.
(Of coz i'm simplifying here)
Women tend to understand their fellow species better isnt it!?
Thirdly,
To D it seems that her bf doesnt treat her as well as she would have liked,
Or not in the manner that she desires.
However,
Has she ever thought that her bf has already tried to the best of his abilities,
To treat her well in the manner that he knows how?
What matters is the intention and sincerity and love, is it not?
It's not as if he didnt try.
(I'm hypothesizing that he does love her and tries to treat her well genuinely)
So is he at fault if his methods do not concur with her desires?
To me,
I feel as long as the heart is true,
The methods arent half as important.
Of coz,
Disgruntled women out there would disagree:
"If he truly loves us, then wouldnt he try to learn to treat us the way we want them to?"
For their defence,
I would like to counter-question:
"Then it is from whom that we ask,
To understand that we men can probably never understand women the way they want us to?"
"Then it is from whom that we ask to be treated in the way we want to be treated?"
For if there is giving from one party,
Surely the other party has to reciprocate and give back wat they took,
Even though it can be slightly unequal.
Lastly,
Comparisons usually result in dissatisfaction,
Even though sometimes,
There isnt much to be dissatisfied about anyway.
Funnily,
For all the accusations that's being levelled at men,
For being ignorant, fragile ego-ed, unromantic etc,
Women seem to think that they know exactly what men want.
To them it's pretty simple and obvious:
Men want sex and lots of it in the process.
Sigh......
Again,
For a gender that prides themselves on knowing how to treat men the way we want to be treated,
They seem to seriously over-rate themselves.
For all their misconceptions and assumed superiority of knowledge,
I'll reveal a little of what men really wants but never say/show.

We want love;
Someone for us to love with all our heart,
And love us back in return.
We want understanding;
From someone who means the world to us,
Whose small gesture of understanding would make us undertake even the most difficult of tasks without flinching.
We want encouragement;
We seek encouragement,
For a solitary word of support and confidence,
Can bring us back from the brink of no return,
To start over anew,
To be the man that we all dream of being without the fear of failing.
We want belief;
For someone to believe in us,
For us to cling on to when the whole world turn their backs on us,
When everyone doubts us.
We want faith;
Faith that things will turn out well eventually,
Even when the going gets tough.
Faith from a cherished one,
Can split the red sea thousands of times over.
We want someone who is willing to sacrifice for us;
However small that sacrifice may be,
We would then know of her love in return,
And be willing to sacrifice more for her well-being.
We want someone who tries genuinely to make us happy;
For if we can suppress our happiness,
And try means and ways to make a girl happy,
Then we(as humans are),
Would want to be treated the same way as well,
For who doesnt want to be happy?
Happiness can come without the girl trying,
By just loving and being together,
However that girl has to be one whom we can be happy with.
We want sex.
Lot of it.
Nuff said.

And to my beam of sunshine,
Who is a bit sickly now,
Cheer up!!!
We'll go have some fun tomorrow.

Maybe that's why they called it the blues

It's been such a long long time since i last posted.
I'm at a loss as to why it is the case.
Maybe it's coz i have nothing important to say.
Maybe i dont want to to say anything.
Maybe there hasnt really been extreme emotional upheavals,
Which usually contribute to my introspections.
Anyway,
I have 5 essays due in the next few weeks,
Coupled with several more urgent projects and presentations,
And on top of that,
I'm starting to feel the stress of the impending exams,
Which obviously isnt aided by my NTU friends who are already mugging for their papers.
This time round,
My exam strategy will not be to read every single possible articles, notes and whatnots,
Which is evidently futile if nothing surfaces during the exam itself.
Instead, I'll most probably contend myself with writing outlines and timed-essays.
Of coz, in order to do so most efficiently,
I'll still need a basic grasp of concepts and examples and theories,
Plus an extensive knowledge of topics in which i'll try to specialize in.
On a good note,
Arts Open on saturday.
Cant wait to play competitive soccer,
Since RECCOS probably wont be playing this sunday due to exams.
I really hope i have the strength of mind to push through all the possible distractions,
That would definitely crop up with exams nearing.

Lacking in abundance

Ambition
Determination
Lacks me

Strained

I'm feeling the strains,
The weights of a multitude of Nothings,
Which on a good day,
I could've easily swept away,
With a flick of my head.
Unfortunately,
They ambushed me on a not-so-good day.
I shall just grin and bear it,
For their desire to get me down,
Isnt stronger than my refusal to be pulled into an abyss,
Of despair and melancholy.
For once,
I shall try to lose myself,
Immersed in my readings,
Of grandiose ideologies and revolutions.

Whatnots

Ice-skating anyone?
I think it's a pretty good place to go de-stress,
Have some fun,
And land on your bums.
Went the other day with P,
And it felt good,
To bask in all the nostalgias:
The rubbish pop songs,
The Ah Bengs who never seem to face extinction,
The Ah Lians who ensures the survival of the Ah Beng species,
The deliciously chilly air,
The unstable and unsure steps,
The thrill in knowing I might have a hard fall the next second,
And of coz,
Holding a gal's hand.
All these make for a good lazy afternoon out.
I'll be going back again man.
My mum finally decided it's time to get mooncakes.
I've been dying to eat mooncakes,
Ever since people have been talking about it.
That's like weeks!!!
And here i am,
Weeks later,
Nibbling on a small piece,
And feeling contented.
It doesnt take much to make me happy,
Or contented for that matter.
It only takes a bit of effort and time,
In learning about me and my idiosyncrasies.
I really should start on my studying,
Of which i've put off doing for quite a few weeks.
I'm hopelessly lagging in readings,
And pressurised by impending deadlines for essays.
I'm sure most people i know see similarities here.
I was asked whether i'm a Responsible person the other day,
That context was "In a relationship".
In short, it meant committment.
And i said yes.
The question i've been asking myself lately,
Is why cant i replicate this apparent responsibility,
Into my life and studies?
Isnt it all too ironic?
I'm befuddled.
Sometimes we just need to ask the right questions.
Other times, we still need the right answers.
Right.....
This sounds like a wisecrack from Seng.
God!
I'm enlightened!!!
I think i've always asked this question,
And not seemingly have a hint of an idea,
Of how the answer goes.
And it aint as easy as 'Look into yourself' kinda crap.
Maybe i should take baby steps,
Instead of trying to find a grand answer immediately.

Another Furby classic

A calm cool ordinary evening.
Right after dinner.
Mum slicing some pears she bought.
Dad eating pear.
Dog hopping up and down in cage,
Like a bunny in heat.
Me, an interested observer.

Dad: Furby... Apple... (holding up a piece of pear)
Dog(saliviating): Woof!!
Dad(dangles pear teasingly): Apple...
Sis(indiganantly): That's not an apple lah. Can you tell him the correct names!? You are making my dog stupid.
Dad(in retort): I've been teaching him all fruits are called "Apple". I've even showed it a piece of banana and told him it's an apple.
Sis: Wah lau!!! You are making him stupid. He's very intelligent one. I'm sure he'll recognise all the different fruit names.
Dog: (munching happily on a piece of 'apple'(pear actually)

I'm so tickled by all these that i almost choked on the water i was having. My thoughts on this is: Furby definitely cant be bothered with names of fruits. He has such a keen sense of smell that he doesnt need names to tell him there's yummy stuff available for him to get a munch. Of coz, the dog is smart. But sometimes he's juz plain greedy. No doubt dogs can recognise voices and sounds, but i'm more inclined to believe they rely more on guestures and tone/stress of words than the actual sound of the word itself. And for me, I'll juz contend myself with playing tag with Furby. At least, running will prevent it from getting too fat.

All that she was, is, will be.

confabulation \kon-FAB-yuh-lay-shuhn\, noun:
(Psychology) A plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

A new word that i learnt today. Psychology majors take note.

She

The ceiling fan spun shadows across the room,
Foreshadowing what's to come,
Premeditated but never articulated.
Every crack in the concrete is a regret.
A regret of yesteryears,
Of indolent haste and folly.
Each windowpane reflected back,
A slightly different angle of the room.
Maybe all the change we need and crave,
Is a matter of perspectives.

There she spied a hideous sight,
A rubbery slinky creature of the shadows,
And she screamed.
Ran across his path,
And he crossed the path of her lingering scent.
There is a reason for everything;
The reason for rain is rain.
We should not fear what we do not understand.
Even though the initial fear is attenuated,
The memory continue to ameliorate the doubts.

Though dead tired,
She realized she is still alive.
The mirror is her only friend;
It mouths the words she wants to hear,
Yet never speaks.
"One is growing up repeatedly."
Sometimes we doubt ourselves,
And all our past decisions,
Yet somehow we forge on,
Resigned or willingly.

Vision determines the view.
The solemn flickering effects,
Of not knowing what you're doing,
Is all too familiar.
No one is absolutely certain.
Nothing is undeniably infallible.
We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves.
A gentle tease,
Might lift that fog,
And reveal a timely rainbow.

Unseen and just heard,
Makes it all hard to remember.
Confabulation and figments,
Dictates all that transpired.
Let's just say that every possibility waits,
For that opportune moment,
One merely has to turn around in order to see.
"What might be?"
It's Present unfolds a Future,
Irreducibly imperceptible.

Like the life of a child.

Life is hopelessly frayed,
All loose ends.
When we see lightning,
We wait for thunder.

Pretty is as pretty does.
And so is she.

A different kind of day

I cant believe it's been 10 days since i last blogged!
Goodness!
What have i been doing!?
Well......
When one is too caught up with what Life has to offer,
He might not find adequate energies to reflect nor ruminate.
Of which i certainly think applies to my case.
It's not that i havent been thinking much lately,
But rather i've been living it on a day by day basis,
And a day's introspections do get slowly buried,
By layers of incessant multiple thoughts and pre-occupations,
And washed over by new waves of emotions for good measure.
Thus, when night beckons,
My mind starts to blank out and panic,
For the days seem to flit past,
Like hornets on a mission.
I only see blurry images,
Hear only faint voices.
However, the warmth in my heart cannot be denied.
Thus it is with this reassurance that i clasp close,
And confronts another similar day.
For starters,
Today is a different kind of day.
Not earth-shattering but glorious nevertheless.
It all begun with my dad offering to send me all the way to school,
Even though he's not obligated,
And i wasnt damn late.
But that wasnt the fun part.
He tried to have a daddy's conversation with me,
About relationships and marriage.
I muz say i was pleasantly surprised,
Though i admit i hid it pretty well under my usual facade of nonchalance.
His 1st serious chat about relationship with me in 22 years.
It's little wonder i found it pretty hard to keep a straight face.
No doubt there were hints of conservatism which i have no predilections for,
But his advice was as usual,
Impeccable and timeless.
The next thing that he could do to further shock me,
Would be a discussion on the birds and bees.
Haha...
Now that would make my day.
And at least 6 years late at that.
Of coz, if all is jolly and dandy with loved ones,
Then that would usually translate into a day of fluffy floating dandelions,
And of secret seraphic smiles in one's spirits.
Today's one of those.
They dont come by all the time.
But when they do pop by,
It'll be good to be able to recognize them,
And grasp hold before they dissolve into the inner recesses of memory.
Ah well, it's approaching 3.15am.
Time for me to honour my promise.

SAF- The DARK side

These are so f**king hilarious that i'll think it an injustice,
To fellow buggers who've been thru NS and know how f**ked up their system is,
If i didnt post them,
And give these like-minded people a good laugh.
And please dont send me to DB,
It's only harmless.
Unless there's guilt and admittance to the captions below.
Then i shall be persecuted willingly,
But need to write reports if i am indeed charged.
Ah...
Decisions decisions...

For F**k!?

AWOL

Chao Keng x2

Extras

Chao Keng

Space

And here i am,
Propping these inexorable pangs,
Upon frail shoulders.
Who's shoulders?
Slumbery lethargy seeps in,
My body falls at the first hurdle.
My mind suspends on.
Caught in a moment,
The domain that separates 'Yes' and 'No',
The silence slides awkwardly.
Arrogance?
The passing silence slides on.
I'm not invincible.
Mere mortal.
I read.
Conspired.
All that are burdensome,
Away with you!
Come drift with me.
To forbidden woodlands,
Where wandering is a lost joy.
I try too hard.
Much too hard.
Signs that were so clear and simple,
To those who knew them,
Yet so trifling to grasp,
By the uninitiated.
I am the uninitiated.
We all need space.

Beneath this line,
Is

Speak, Memories

Suddenly felt an urge to write.
It's more of inspiration actually.
Tonight was the 1st night i actually got down,
To some serious thinking about my tutorial question.
So i'm feeling accomplished on top of other euphoria-s.
I cant help but admit that 'Contented' is the word to describe me nowadays.
I look at things differently,
Not rose-tinted,
But with a discerning eye,
And an attitude of 'I'm-so-satisfied-with-my-life-currently-and-I-cant-be-bothered-about-wat-you-think-of-me' to match.
Of coz i do fret and worry about the readings that i need to catch up on,
But that's a purely academic concern.
My physical health is in pretty good shape,
Though i'm still as skinny,
But i can run fast.
Yah, like it's a redeeming factor....
Anyway, emotional and mental health are bursting right now.
I cant ask for more.
It's like having an ice-cream on a hot hot day,
Like buying that *whatever* i've been eyeing for ages,
Like being treated like a prince(ss) on an ordinary day.
You dont feel like wanting anything else,
Or anything more for that matter,
Just to be left alone,
To savour that delectable delirium,
That leaves every word, every sight, every sound, every smell,
Weightless.
Yet memories arent so weightless.
They arent so intangible.
A sigh i heaved,
For all those i left behind,
For this serenity of the mind and soul.
An empty look into the darkness of the night,
I give,
And i exhaled.
I exhaled all those memories that had resided in the far recesses,
The abyss where they dont deserve to be exiled to.
I had merely forgotten,
Albeit for a while.
We cant remember all the time,
Can we?
They seemed surreal.
Are they real?
I cant seem to recapture all the emotions connected to these memories.
I cant seem to re-enact them in my mind.
Jerky, insipid, loose images.
No words nor sounds nor emotions.
Against the crimson-ness of my inner eyelids,
I cant master them anymore,
For they do not heed my call nor appeal.
I seemed to have lost a part of my Past.
An important segment that made me who i am today.
Is contentment built on past anguish?
Probably not.
Is my contentment built on my past anguish?
Perhaps.
How else would i appreciate what i hold today?
Have i lost touch with people?
People who meant something to me at a given space and time.
Have i forsaken them?
Maybe i have.
Forgive me dear friends,
For i have been caught up in a moment,
A moment i never dared dream of,
Where i wish to be suspended, alone,
In my little web of smiles and intimacy.
Those memories i speak of,
Yet refused to speak to me,
They werent lost nor exiled,
Merely locked up,
In the many figments and compartments,
Where memories so often sojourn,
In wait of a revival.

Marathon

The bummer and slacker,
Who owns this blog,
Has gone ahead,
And signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon,
On 5th Dec.
*applause please*
http://www.singaporemarathon.com/2004/index.html
For like-minded crazy people, like me,
You all can sign up at this link.
It's been probably a year since i last ran any distance covering more than 20km,
Yet this time round,
I've decided to run a marathon.
I've never ran 42km before in my entire life,
And i do consider it an ambitious project.
I'm not sure if my aging legs could carry me that far anyway.
Of coz i have to thank Timmy for making it possible for me to participate.
But why him?
It's a secret between the two of us.
*hints to Tim that he better not reveal anything lest he loses his precious jewels*
Anyway, as i was saying,
There is a reason why i'm running this marathon.
I juz wanna push myself physically to the limits,
But of coz,
I wanna improve my personal discipline as well.
How better to do so,
Than paying $35 to run a marathon when one is pretty broke?
Now i'll have a very good reason to stop procrastinating my sporadic desires to jog.
I have 3 months to train for it,
Which would require hell lots of discipline,
With my exams finishing only on 1st Dec(i think).
So Jase,
You can start bugging me to train together with you,
Since we are running together on that day,
And you better not 'fly aeroplane' and run with someone else.
I just saw the map,
And my word,
It's freaking long.

Route map of Marathon