So Much...

I've got so much feelings,
Emotions,
Thoughts,
Fears,
Apprehensions,
Swirling inside me right now,
I dont know where to start.
To start dissecting them,
To start truly feeling them,
To start understanding them.
Let's start with school.
The entire last semester was one lonely and forgettable period.
There was no one to talk cock with.
No one to have lunch with.
No one to mug together with.
No one to stay overnight with.
No one to say 'Hi' to.
No one to gossip with.
No one to laugh with.
No one to KoL with.
No one to play cards with.
No one to slack with.
I could go on...
It's such a sad existence.
But I kept it all in.
I portrayed a brave front.
I walked past the clubroom, the canteen, the library, Co-Op, the corridors, the smoking areas...
And all that was left were lingering nostalgia and phantom images.
It would never be the same again.
And once again,
I was left trying to grasp what had already past,
What had already happened.
To maintain my pretended nonchalance,
I went to school only when I needed to,
And left whenever I'm done.
Yet,
At the end of the day,
It was all futile.
P told me my sentimentalism was all but 1 sem too late.
They were all over it.
It can be 10 years late,
But to me,
I would still wish myself back to those times.
How often I've wished so hard that I could go back to those periods of time,
Where I really grew up,
Where I discovered myself,
Where I shared so much good times with my friends.
It's over I guess.
NUS is a closed chapter.
What pains me most,
Is thinking of all those relationships that will eventually close as well with time.
Sad,
But inevitable.
Yes,
I am sentimental.
A lot of times,
I just cant let go.
A lot of times,
I keep everything inside me.
I dont show all those close and dear,
That I care so much about them.
It's so easy to misunderstand me as cold, unfeeling and indifferent.
I'm like that on the outside.
But the me inside is one vulnerable and sentimental sod.
That explains all the defensive mechanisms.
I really dont think there is anyone in the world who could know me 100% inside out.
And I do think it's my own doing.
The real me is masked by so much pretense,
So many walls,
It's all an unwieldy maze really.
One that I cant even navigate sometimes.
On another note,
I'm relieved and frustrated about the marathon.
Though I completed it,
It was really frustrating and excruciating.
Having cramps is no excuse in my opinion.
I had cramps the last time around too.
The last 14 km were so acutely lonely and long.
One struggle after another.
When my legs failed me,
My mind had to keep going.
When my mind faltered,
My legs had to keep going.
One km after another.
I had to talk to myself to keep going.
I had to ignore the growing pain and debilitating cramps.
I had to overcome the helplessness when I cramped up and cant walk/jog on.
A part of me didnt want to cross the finishing line.
A part of me wanted to walk on,
Through all the pain and loneliness and frustration.
Thanx for cheering me on at the end-point guys.
It made me feel better.
There's so much more I wanna say.
So much more I wanna pour out.
Yet,
I decided to keep some thoughts to myself.
As usual.
Sometimes,
Certain things dont really change.

One of those days...

How do you know it's one of those days?
One of those unspeakable days.
I got an inkling on what to expect when I woke up with terrible hair.
It was all clumped up, shapeless and unmanageable.
I suspected it,
While I was trying to finish up my work,
And had these annoying porn pop-ups that keep appearing on my screen.
Bloody Trojans!!!
It was verified when I finally finished my work,
Eager to print,
And the FUCKING printer had to object.
The bloody nerve of it.
It freaking refuses to print.
And as I'm typing now,
The pop-ups does their usual routine.
Despite the best efforts of both my sis,
Plus my thinly-veiled threats,
The printer remained stubborn.
Now what?
I gotta print my work and hand it in.
The deadline's looming.
And so I had no choice but to go school and print.
Oh, and guess what?
The library wasn't opened when I reached at 0750.
I walked over to AS7,
And the printing room wasn't opened either.
So I walked back to the lib and it was belatedly opened.
Finally...
But it had to happen.
The coms were on,
But the printers were off.
Upon checking with the 'friendly' staff,
The printers are not under their jurisdiction,
And so they cant help me.
Oh yeah?
NUS preaches excellence and initiative and innovation and creativity,
Only for its students?
Their Staff has no need for these values?
It's so difficult to switch on a couple of printers?
Crap.
So off I went,
Frustrated and Irritated.
It so happens that I've got a cousin XF living in hall,
So I gave her a call,
At an unearthly hour of 0815,
Which expectedly,
She didnt pick up.
I gave up.
I can smell it in the dusty air,
See it in the way sun-rays slant across my path,
Feel it in the way gravel keeps getting into my slippers.
I gave up.
There's no way I can win.
I drove off.
XF called.
No printer.
Expected.
Decided to vent my anger by owning some random losers on Bnet.
Then realised my Warcraft cd is with Hock.
Right.
Oh well,
A lanshop would suffice.
Bt Timah has got one,
And I'm a member.
I parked my car,
Tore off two $1 parking coupons,
And headed down the dark damp alley.
Deep down,
I already knew.
The freaking lanshop's supposed to be 24hrs.
But it was closed.
Why?
Renovation.
Wow.
I couldnt believe the magnitude of this whole divine conspiracy.
And I wasted 2 bucks on parking.
I started running.
Back to the car.
My imagination warned me that the building might collapse on me.
Anything can happen man.
And so I'm back home.
Safe and sound.
Screw the assignment.
Screw the deadline.
Screw the printer.
The only bright spark in this terrible day,
Is the sight of Furby galloping to greet me at the gate.
He's so loveable.
Life isnt that bad afterall.
And Furby got some munchies for his affection.
And I?
I hope I've turned the corner.
West Ham won last night.
After 8 consecutive defeats.
What has it gotta do with me?
Well...
My West Ham beat Man Utd in the FA Cup Semis,
In extra-time,
After going 2-0 down in the space of 4 mins.
Tevez got the winner in extra-time.
Coincidence or not?
I'm so jinxed today,
I'll take any signs that come my way.

A Human Face

In an age where money and profits reign supreme;
In a sport where unscrupulous players and agents threaten to spoil the game,
There exists a saving grace.
They say the Catalans are very proud people,
And I can fully understand where these people are coming from.
In an unprecedented move,
Barcelona has gained my respect.
AIG and Siemens paid hundred of millions to have their brand advertised on Man Utd and Madrid's jerseys.
Barcelona never had any brands emblazoned across their famous colours in their entire history.
Why?
I dunno.
Maybe it's a cultural thing.
Take a walk around the city and you will experience a new meaning to the word - Culture.
So what's new,
You ask?
Barcelona just have to nod and agree to have a sponsor,
Business opportunists would immediately jump at the chance to offer them similar deals,
Hundred of millions worth of offers would pour in.
That would add to their coffers.
But they didn't do that.
They stuck to their guns and resisted temptations for decades.
Until this season,
Where this long-held no-man's land was finally overcame.
And who exactly is this 'brand' that managed to achieve the impossible?
If you had watched the Champions League game last night,
You might stand a chance to guess it right.
I was in shock when I saw the name plastered across their stripes.
'Unicef' is the word and 'brand'.
The question is in what way is Unicef and football interlinked?
Well...
It so happens that Unicef didn't have to pay hundred of millions to Barcelona.
By a funny quirk of fate,
It's the other way round.
In fact,
Barcelona is paying Unicef several millions a year to use their name.
It is all in all a charitable gesture.
It also happens that several Barcelona players are contributing a few percent of their salary to Unicef.
Now that's what I call a human face to football.
Such a noble reason to break long-held traditions.
And that is why I applauded every single of their goals last night.
If you watch football and don't have a team to support,
Take a leap of faith with Barcelona,
For they not only entertain with their skills and passing,
But also play with their hearts on their sleeves,
And they do have such big hearts.
You'll never find Chelsea doing these sort of things.
Even if they do,
I'll question the underlying agendas and motivations.
Nuff said.

Tibet (and what it connotes)

It's been a long while since I last withdrawn my curtains,
Opened up my windows,
To the chirping birds,
The mellow rays,
The crisp morning air.
For too long,
I have been cooped up in my little room,
Playing some stupid computer game,
And enjoying the air-con.
I need a reality check.
Instead of waiting and hoping this Tibet trip does it for me,
I already got a small dose of it right now.
Now,
I finally remembered,
And how fondly,
What it means to be alive.
What it means to be able to breathe freely,
Without difficulty and breathing in clean fresh air.
What it means to perspire,
To be mortal.
What it means to be able to see,
To hear,
To smell (my flu makes it difficult to substantiate this),
To touch the keypads on the laptop,
To be able to walk smoothly,
To be able to taste.

It's also been a long while since I last blogged,
Transform my waking thoughts into words,
To articulate my views,
And to share them.
For too long,
I have been cooped up in my little world,
Of redolent ineptitude and neglectful idleness.
I didnt want a reality check,
Preferring to dream and fantasize and run away.
Run I did.
Ran a hell lot.
Now,
I finally get acquainted again,
With the unbridled joy,
Of going through my thoughts in my mind,
Registering them,
Remembering them,
Caressing them,
And coaxing them into words.

I couldnt sleep.
Tossed and turned.
The air-con was rattling away,
Making funny noises,
Which disturbed me.
I said a prayer,
For all those close and dear,
And for our safety during this trip.
I'm not in the pinkest of health for this trip,
And I'm worried.
Not so much the fact that I might suffer from breathing difficulties or such,
But rather,
Cause the whole trip to be dragged, abandoned or wasted.
I really hope not.
I sighed.
There's only so much one can hope.
Reality hits me again.
Life is really only worth living,
When we dont know what's round the corner.
It has a funny way of making simple things complicated,
Obscuring clear transparent truths in the thinnest of veils,
And surprises or shocks you at every turn.
This is what we live for,
Isnt it?
I really dont know what to expect from Tibet,
And I think it should be kept that way.
With expectations,
Comes disappointments and taking things for granted.
Life certainly shouldnt be lived this way.
Dont miss me for the 23 days that I'll be away.
Dont expect any posts here for the next 23 weeks.
And dont waste your life for the next 23 years,
Only imagining,
And not fulfilling.

I've lost... I've floundered...

I feel that I've lost a part of me of old.
A portion that loves to read,
To ruminate,
To be emotional over a phrase.
Nowadays,
All I do is Kol and Dota.
Sometimes I wonder what is the draw
And reason for doing what I do,
Or dont do.
I just cant find the necessary strength to question and delve further inside myself.
Other times,
I just feel so stagnated,
So lost.
It's as if my own life is drifting away from me.
My dreams.
My aspirations.
I'm guilty of letting them go,
Without the nuance of a struggle.
Why?
I'm asking the same question.
People ask the same question of me too.
I cannot answer.
Or perhaps,
I dont dare to answer.
Maybe I dont dare face the harsh truth.
I'm a sucker for escaping reality into the virtual world,
Where I can be anyone I want,
Where it's infinitely more flexible,
And with less pressure,
Societal or otherwise.
I have always had this strange epiphany,
Or rather a peek into a vision,
Of myself in a future doing what I love,
What makes me happy and fulfilled,
But which is unfathomable and unacceptable right now.
It's a bitter irony,
But I shall keep the irony inside me.
I've got 4 good grades for the essays that I handed in,
But ultimately I floundered with my final step,
Coz the essay that I didnt hand in will probably make me fail a module.
It's infuriating isnt it?
P will attest to that.
But I guess this bit of me will never go away;
So exasperatingly complex and brilliant.
What's the use of a moment of brilliance when I cannot sustain it?
I cannot answer this either.
Maybe I dont wish to answer this too.
Again,
So many questions,
So little answers,
The story of my life.

A New Dawn

I've finally decided to buck up.
No,
This strange phenomenon didnt happen under coercion from anyone.
No,
It wasnt influenced by any incentives from anyone.
Definitely no,
It's certainly not caused by an overwhelming guilt from too much dota.
(How can there be too much dota??)
In fact,
I havent dota-ed for quite a while.
No,
It's not because I'm sick of dota.
I guess the simplest way to describe this sudden change in attitude,
Would be that,
It slowly crept up on me,
A(n) unsuspecting me,
Engulfed me in Reality,
And I resolved.
Should my endeavour falter at times,
Just prod me and push me on.
That's all I ask.
It's not easy breaking the routine of skipping lectures and tutorials.
Life isnt easy at all.
It's a mixture of iridescent colours,
Pulsating with splendor.
To truly grasp it,
One have got to quietly immerse in it,
To 'feel' and not merely to 'see'.
Reality will let me 'feel' more instead of merely 'seeing' what really isnt there.
So there,
Resolution made.

The Awakening - A Promise

Stirrings,
Of a sleepy morning.
Twitching,
Of a slumbering puppy.
Kindling,
Of a passion thought lost.
Rousing,
Of a dispirited mind.
Vivification,
Of a forgotten blog.

I'm back!!!