Speak, Memories

Suddenly felt an urge to write.
It's more of inspiration actually.
Tonight was the 1st night i actually got down,
To some serious thinking about my tutorial question.
So i'm feeling accomplished on top of other euphoria-s.
I cant help but admit that 'Contented' is the word to describe me nowadays.
I look at things differently,
Not rose-tinted,
But with a discerning eye,
And an attitude of 'I'm-so-satisfied-with-my-life-currently-and-I-cant-be-bothered-about-wat-you-think-of-me' to match.
Of coz i do fret and worry about the readings that i need to catch up on,
But that's a purely academic concern.
My physical health is in pretty good shape,
Though i'm still as skinny,
But i can run fast.
Yah, like it's a redeeming factor....
Anyway, emotional and mental health are bursting right now.
I cant ask for more.
It's like having an ice-cream on a hot hot day,
Like buying that *whatever* i've been eyeing for ages,
Like being treated like a prince(ss) on an ordinary day.
You dont feel like wanting anything else,
Or anything more for that matter,
Just to be left alone,
To savour that delectable delirium,
That leaves every word, every sight, every sound, every smell,
Weightless.
Yet memories arent so weightless.
They arent so intangible.
A sigh i heaved,
For all those i left behind,
For this serenity of the mind and soul.
An empty look into the darkness of the night,
I give,
And i exhaled.
I exhaled all those memories that had resided in the far recesses,
The abyss where they dont deserve to be exiled to.
I had merely forgotten,
Albeit for a while.
We cant remember all the time,
Can we?
They seemed surreal.
Are they real?
I cant seem to recapture all the emotions connected to these memories.
I cant seem to re-enact them in my mind.
Jerky, insipid, loose images.
No words nor sounds nor emotions.
Against the crimson-ness of my inner eyelids,
I cant master them anymore,
For they do not heed my call nor appeal.
I seemed to have lost a part of my Past.
An important segment that made me who i am today.
Is contentment built on past anguish?
Probably not.
Is my contentment built on my past anguish?
Perhaps.
How else would i appreciate what i hold today?
Have i lost touch with people?
People who meant something to me at a given space and time.
Have i forsaken them?
Maybe i have.
Forgive me dear friends,
For i have been caught up in a moment,
A moment i never dared dream of,
Where i wish to be suspended, alone,
In my little web of smiles and intimacy.
Those memories i speak of,
Yet refused to speak to me,
They werent lost nor exiled,
Merely locked up,
In the many figments and compartments,
Where memories so often sojourn,
In wait of a revival.

Marathon

The bummer and slacker,
Who owns this blog,
Has gone ahead,
And signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon,
On 5th Dec.
*applause please*
http://www.singaporemarathon.com/2004/index.html
For like-minded crazy people, like me,
You all can sign up at this link.
It's been probably a year since i last ran any distance covering more than 20km,
Yet this time round,
I've decided to run a marathon.
I've never ran 42km before in my entire life,
And i do consider it an ambitious project.
I'm not sure if my aging legs could carry me that far anyway.
Of coz i have to thank Timmy for making it possible for me to participate.
But why him?
It's a secret between the two of us.
*hints to Tim that he better not reveal anything lest he loses his precious jewels*
Anyway, as i was saying,
There is a reason why i'm running this marathon.
I juz wanna push myself physically to the limits,
But of coz,
I wanna improve my personal discipline as well.
How better to do so,
Than paying $35 to run a marathon when one is pretty broke?
Now i'll have a very good reason to stop procrastinating my sporadic desires to jog.
I have 3 months to train for it,
Which would require hell lots of discipline,
With my exams finishing only on 1st Dec(i think).
So Jase,
You can start bugging me to train together with you,
Since we are running together on that day,
And you better not 'fly aeroplane' and run with someone else.
I just saw the map,
And my word,
It's freaking long.

Route map of Marathon

Fading Ennui

Yes.
It's been long.
Far too long.
Days of ennui robbed me of any will to write,
And even thinking about matters is such a tall order.
Even right now,
I feel as if i have nothing substantial to say.
Nothing at all.
Nothing comes out of nothing.
And of coz the CW is slowly grinding to a halt.
Slowly but surely.
Think i shall try to jump-start my brain,
To start ingesting all those lengthy and fustian readings.
Restlessness.
Such lassitude.
I need a spark.

A man more sinned against than sinning

That line above sums up everything.
Maybe it doesnt reflect the totality and actuality of the situation,
But it does reflect my inner tempest and turmoil right now.
Ah...
King Lear,
How well i know thy feelings...
Isnt it sad.
So sad.
When one says something,
Another has a choice to decide whether to believe or not.
But with regards to people whom you have shared your entire life with,
Twenty-two bloody years,
People who supposedly knows me inside out,
And are able to read me like a book,
Yet,
They chose to distrust.
To immediately assume otherwise,
To jump to conclusions,
Without even talking to me.
Isnt it oh so sad.
It is also damn insulting.
A bloody travesty of my integrity and my personality.
Misplaced faith is still alright.
However,
To immediately assume that i'm a two-timing jerk is not.
It's an insult to all that i have stood for.
A transgression of my belief and value of Loyalty and Fidelity.
Too bad for me then.
I cant help it.
How strong are my family ties then?
How thick is blood then?
Surely not stronger nor thicker than trust in a passing stranger.
I find it very saddening.
It is a big blow to me.
Family i thought i could rely on,
In whatever trying circumstances,
Chose to doubt me,
Without much hesitation.
Without even a hint of a discussion with me.
A sentimentalist has juz bitten the dust.
Gone are the times when he believed with all his heart,
That nothing is insurmountable for ties bonded by blood.
Gone.
With this single stroke.
A stroke that pushed him to the abyss of cynicism.
He emerged defiant,
But disillusioned and jaded.
He lives in perpetual shrouds of gloom and distrust,
Preferring the empty shell than believing again.
I'm not yet this man.
I dont want to be this man.
This sad sad man.
And i can only hope.
That the storms are indeed ephemeral,
And the sun will shine eventually,
For trust to bloom again.
Yet for all that i hope,
I remain stubborn.
I refuse to pander to their conservatism and distrust.
It's their problem to deal with.
If they cant deal with it,
Then too bad.
It's their loss.
I'm sounding bitter,
But i hate injustice.
Do not expect me to accomodate.
There's no room for even a tinge of compromise here.
For there is no trust in the first place.
Then what else is left?
I need sleep.
Sweet slumbery sleep.
Balm of nature.
Hold me safe and tight,
In your trusty embrace.

Unbearable Sadness of Being

I blog again.
At 4 am.
In this anguish,
I write again.
In this despair,
I try again.
I cant master words and thoughts right now,
Neither can i control this sadness,
This unbearable sadness.
Anguish
Bleakness.
Disconsolateness.
Despondence.
Melancholy.
Misery.
Moodiness.
Sorrow.
Woefulness.
These nine words are yet inadequate,
To describe the complete sadness that i am feeling.
Family,
The boulders that will stand the test of Time,
The faith that keeps one sane,
Is against me.
How i wail against this injustice!
This empty injustice!
I always believe,
When the whole world doesnt believe in me anymore,
My family would still trust me,
And keep faith in me,
And love me,
For who i am.
Yet right now,
They are angry and upset with me,
For something i'm not even guilty of,
Without even discussing with me,
Without facts nor evidence,
Mere assumptions.
Is it really that simple?
One is wrong,
And others right?
Are things really what they seem?
Or do we need to pry open what the surface conceals?
I've explained myself,
Albeit in words.
How much of it gets through is anyone's guess.
How much longer will i be misunderstood,
Isnt up to my discretion.
I only hope.
I only pray.
That the truth will prevail.
That sorrow brings forth strength.
I heave a sigh.
An inexorable sigh.
A sigh of great distress.
I need no sympathy.
I need no concern.
I need no kind words.
What i need is thus.
Trust.
Faith.
Belief.
Is it that hard?
To get these from people who matter to me?
From people dear and close.
All i ask is such.
Trust me when i promise.
Place your faith in me when suspicion arises.
Believe in me when everyone else dont.
I think the above are necessary ingredients in any relationships.
Yet somehow,
Right now,
I feel that i'm lacking all these from people.
From people who mean the world to me.
Yet to them,
I'm not their world.
I'm not.
It's such an empty feeling.
So empty that neither sorrow nor despair have any space,
To inflict emotional upheveals.
So empty that it makes emptiness so incredibly large,
That it fills one up,
And leave no space for anything else.
For the first time,
In such a long while,
I actually feel like crying.
Yet tears cant flow forth,
Coz the emptiness pervades everything,
Every emotion,
Every thought,
Every blink.
Everything.
I'm crumbling,
Against this relentless onslaught of skepticism and suspicion.
If my words arent good enough,
If my actions dont prove enough,
Then what good am i?
How much do i matter?
Why then should i believe in relationships and love?
For what i believe in,
Doesnt believe in me.
For what i stood for,
Doesnt stand by me.
For whom i trust,
Doesnt trust me back.
For whom i place my faith in,
Doesnt reciprocate.
What then is there for me?
Where else will i find what i seek?
Pray tell me.
Pray tell.
I beg.
Pray tell.

Misunderstood

Yeah.
That's what i'm feeling now.
Maybe it's coz i didnt bother to communicate clearly in the 1st place.
Maybe it's coz people like to jump to conclusions.
Maybe it's coz people like to assume.
Maybe-s.
But coming from my own family,
It hurts.
Big time
Oh boy.
I hate to be accused wrongly.
I hate people to jump straight into conclusions,
Without much comprehension of situations.
I hate injustice.
Obviously it's hard to see one's flaws.
It's even harder to admit one is wrong.
But dont we juz have to see both sides,
To make a fair judgement?
I feel that i've already been sentenced without being given a chance to defend myself.
I feel injustice.
Of coz i'm pissed.
But what to do?
I need patience,
And lots of communication.
It's gonna be hard.
It's gonna take a long time.
So it gotta start now.

Intertwined

Words sweet words,
Are you all true,
And unassuming?
Or are you ambiguous?
Neither rain nor shine.
For I strain,
To comprehend,
Every phrase,
Every nuance,
Every inference.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
The lows.
The highs.
How can i not?
Not feel how you feel?
How can i not?
The lows of an ebbing tide.
Exposes all and sundry;
The hidden shells,
Bits of shrouded gems,
All come to light.
I embrace them all,
For they are what i seek:
The innermost trove,
Fiercely guarded,
And most vulnerable.
Find delight in deepest cuts,
Sorrow in unabridged joys.
I might not fully understand,
But i'll be there.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
That's what i am.
In all your emotions,
Upheaval, serenity,
And everything else.

Peach of a month

Orientation's finally over.
Yeah!
It's been draining.
Still Kormos won best OG.
Yeah! x2
And this has juz sunk in.
The whole thing has been pretty surreal.
With the fluctuating attendances,
I wasnt expecting much,
Only for the freshies to come daily.
So i'm delighted.
And i'm a lil' flu-ish.
And currently a lil' flushed,
From soccer in the morning.
It's such a warm afternoon,
Bearable,
But still it makes me want,
Want to laze the day away.
Maybe a siesta would help.
School's starting,
And i'm lacking one module,
And it irritates me,
Even though i'm pretty sure,
It'll all be corrected come 10th Aug.
Anyway,
My birthday came and went.
Juz like that.
I'm a year older.
Wiser?
I'm not sure.
This year's birthday is a pretty good one,
For me.
For one,
I have people celebrating with me,
And of coz some lovely surprises along the way.
So things are all rosy and pink.
Which i presume is good.
Melancholy,
My trusty night-time companion,
Seems a long long distance away.
And in its place,
I count my blessings.

I know

Vague look in your eyes,
Something is boiling beneath.
The casual goodbye,
An incrimination.
The distant gaze,
Relic that glossed over,
My unwitting staining,
Of immaculate whiteness.
Curved lips,
Across expressionless terrain.
A frown disguised as a smile,
Weak and half-concealed.
Oh! The chill...
The very chill of imagination,
Which seeks much-needed mitigation.
I can read the signs,
But what i want is,
For you to spell forth.
A PhD in asking" Why?",
Doesnt placate nor conciliate.
A knighthood in "I understand" would suffice.
Aint no point just knowing,
Without apprehending the crux.
Pray tell.

Catharsis

Last night,
This time,
I was having a severe mood swing.
Probably caused by the accumulation,
Of pretty small but irritating stuff,
Over the day.
Plus the fact that i'm lacking my much-needed sleep.
The long silent walk around campus,
Made me ruminate a little,
And i asked myself questions.
Questions that i probably could've answered,
If i had dug deeper,
But ultimately did not.
Earlier in the day,
I took my IPPT,
And achieved my Gold,
However,
The overcoming of this physical challenge,
Is tempered by my inablilty to triumph over personal flaws,
Which irks me more than anything else.
The odd melancholy would have lasted throughout the night,
If not for the silent understanding that i received,
The thoughtful sms which i couldnt reply to,
And the smile that dispelled the gloom.
So i'm thankful.
And i'm 'purified'.
Sometimes,
All a man needs is just some encouragements,
And lots of silent understanding.
Other times,
He just needs sex.
In jest i wrote the previous line.
Forgive me,
I couldnt help it.