Belief - The promise of hope

After what seems,
An eternity of fallen hopes;
Announcing its timely arrival,
A peeled-peach hue,
Assuredly peeks out,
And swirls of roses,
And buttercups,
And daffodils,
Arise from their wilting slumber,
Acknowledging with a curt bow,
And thus the beginning,
A promise of sun-kissed pastures,
Acrid hearts warmed,
Answered prayers,
A ray of light.

*** to be continued and edited ***

Too Fast Too Furious

Now that my elation has subsided,
I begin to think,
Think about whether my odds are high or low.
Obviously,
On the surface it seems pretty high,
But on the other hand,
Like what i told a certain T,
"Do not mistake friendliness for attraction."
I would want to hold true to what i've said,
But despite saying this,
I have reservations.
Sometimes we read too much,
And mistake coincidences for signs,
Signs that we infer,
And interpret to our whims and fancies.
Other times,
We fail to see or grasp small obvious actions/words,
And end up juz as lost as before.
I'm not in the mood to assume, to infer and interpret.
For either of the above that i do,
I'll only wander further from the actuality of the situation,
Then to trip and plunge back when reality hits.
What then do i do?
Do i sit back?
Or do i pursue?
Or do i do what i usually do -
Strike and withdraw, continuously?
I havent given much thoughts to this question yet,
And i'm sure it'll bother me for some time to come.
Obviously,
There has to be concerted action at some point of time,
However,
The judgment of this time could be the Deus ex Machina.
I juz pray that i dont falter,
Before the end is nigh.
And i believe:
A river will always find its way to the sea,
However long and winding the journey.

Someday we'll know

Ever had times where you lost all directions,
Juz floating aimlessly,
Like a piece of driftwood,
Not knowing where waves will sweep you to,
Fretting and worrying,
About your destination,
About the final outcome,
Imagining all the possible outcomes,
And telling yourself,
That you wont end up happy,
Coz you dont think you deserve any happiness,
But concurrently wishing,
Juz wishing,
With all your heart,
That the outcome will be a happy one,
That you will find happiness,
That your dream will come true?
I'm currently not as lost as i was before.
I am currently seeing things in past, present and future,
Neatly compartmentalized.
I know who belongs to the Past,
Who are in my Present,
And who i want in my Future.
How much clearer can i get?
Right now, my mum's fretting over me,
Like a lil' kid,
Juz coz i'm a lil' ill,
And i'm loving every minute of it.
Seriously,
Sometimes i think that guys do too much fretting and pampering,
That they feel juz that little bit empty inside,
If the fretting and pampering are not reciprocated.
We do yearn to love and be loved in return,
However,
Sometimes it's not possible.
And my dad's changed a lot over the 4 days i've been away.
1st of all,
He stopped betting on soccer liaoz,
With Euro still on,
I cant believe it.
2nd,
He joined this 'Philosophy of Life' thingy,
And is now so much more contemplative,
So much more less lazy(i need this course too),
And his tutor told him not to talk for 12 hrs after the lesson,
And reflect more,
Which is what he did,
So all communication with him was in hand signs and writings.
It's pretty damn funny i tell you.
3rd,
He went to an appointment 1/2 hr early juz now.
I cant rem the time he was early for anything,
Which is so much like me(or else why would he be my dad?)
Furby is fat!
Cant believe how much he grew in the short space of 4 days.
I wonder how he can still hop around with all those fats.
Haha!!
My sis's gonna kill me for saying he's fat.
Maybe a reason is coz i wasnt around to give him his daily exercises.
(read: dangling a piece of plastic in front of him and making him chase in vain)
And chatted a bit with my two sis over lunch.
So family relations is now pretty harmonious and good,
And i'm elated about that.
I shall try not think so much about other not-so-happy stuff,
And focus on my current bliss.
And i cant seem to stop blogging,
Maybe it's some withdrawal symptom.

Someday we'll know

90 miles outside chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the titanic cry
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask god just one question
Why aren't you here with me
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the One for you

Parting is such sweet sorrow

After 14 hours of sleep,
I'm still in a daze,
Characterized by thoughts that i'm floating.
Is it remnants of the euphoria from arts camp?
Or is it due to my body being unaccustomed to so much sleep?
The past four days have been brillant.
Meeting new people,
Knowing more about people i'm already acquainted with,
Shouting myself hoarse,
Being occupied for the whole day till early morning,
Electrified by the bouyant atmosphere,
Had one of my best clubbing experiences,
And of coz,
Having won best OG.
Anyway,
Everything seems so surreal to me right now.
Maybe it's juz coz i'm a lil' ill.
Suffering from fatigue,
Lack of sleep,
Sore throat,
Loss of voice,
Bouts of sneezing fits.
How i muz try to psyche my body for a couple more weeks of soccer.
And of coz i think the Eng-Por game is so damn kelong.
People who said Eng dont deserve to win gotta see the other perspective.
Por didnt play all that well in the group stages;
Spain had to lose to them coz they are host,
And few hosts fail to make it past the group stages.
And of coz,
The linesman gave the campbell goal,
Which was over-ruled by the bloody referee.
Oh well,
The injustice of football is its very beauty.
I shall juz revel in all the footy action i can.

Furby

Not too long ago,
My sis bought a dog.
A shitzu actually.
Now,
This dog is named Furby.
It's only 3 months old.
A bundle of fur and yelps.
However,
This is not why i'm writing all these.
Since i'll be away for a camp for 5 days,
I shall leave you all with something hilarious.

Situation: Parents and sis and me and dog in living room.
Action: Dad and sis teaching dog to sit quietly on command.
Me: Reading papers, with one eye on them.
Dad: "Sit."
Dog continues jumping.
Dad: "Sit!!!"
Dog continues jumping.
Sis: "Lemme try. Furby, sit down." (waves a piece of biscuit in front of dog)
Dog sits reluctantly and expectantly.
Dad: "Good boy."
Dog runs off after munching biscuit.
Dad (yells after dog): "Furby! Come back here!!"
Dog gnaws at a piece of newspaper.
Sis: "Naughty boy!!"

Mum makes her grand entrance into this piece of action

Mum: "Told you all that he's a little deaf."
(To sis) : "See lah, spend all your hard earned $ on this deaf dog!"
Sis: "He's not deaf lah. Stop saying he's deaf." (coos to now resting dog)
Mum(adamantly): "You dont me believe me is it? I'll show you."
Mum to dog(claps her hands to catch its attention): "Bobby! Come here!"

All(in exasperation and laughter): "He's not called Bobby lah!!"

What can i say!?
Was still giggling to myself while i was bathing.
Cant believe it man!
My mum is damn funny,
In her own peculiar ways.
The only reason why she called the dog 'Bobby',
Is coz she cant pronounce 'Furby' properly.
And till now,
She's still insisting that the dog is deaf.
Haha....

Nice guy

Been very busy these few days,
Which is highly unusual for a bummer of my calibre.
Euro and Arts camp preparations are taking the life out of me.
I can prepare to fall ill anytime.
Right now,
I'm unshaven,
With deep dark eyebags,
Skinnier from missing breakfast and lunch,
Pimples from midnight patronages of Al Amin and Fong Seng,
Unfit from the lack of weekly dosages of soccer games,
Intellectually disabled,
By 'seeing' only in figures...
Even though i've been winning $,
My heart's shrouded in a mist of gloom.
Swirls of guilt engulfed my mind for the majority of the day.
Like the saying goes (in chinese),
"You win in love matters,
And you'll fail in your gambles."
And so i've been winning most of the time in soccer-betting,
Which translates into a prophetic failure in matters of the heart.
So much for the 'tao hua'(cherry blossom) that dropped on my lap during a haircut.
So much for me being installed as joint favourite with Edwin,
7/4 are the odds i think,
To be the next in line to leave the Lonely Hearts Club.
Oh well,
For all of you who are thinking of placing a bet on me,
Donate your $,
Coz i can assure you that i wont be.
I've juz gotten out of a tricky and potentially flammable situation,
With only guilt etched in my mind.
I've been inappropriate and insensitive.
However,
By trying to rescind this guilt of mine,
I've found out something new about myself.
How do i put it?
I desired to be liked.
I want my reputation to precede me.
How hypocritical and how real am i?
Vanity? Pride? Ego?
I always want to be seen and judged in the best possible light,
Which simply means that i would want the best for others,
By offering my services and efforts,
And by subduing my natural inclinations to serve Self.
And the unhappiness that has plagued me for such length,
Seems to stem from this observation.
So it seems to me that i am mis-placing my priorities.
I'm far from being altruistic.
And here i am putting people's judgments of me,
On a higher plane than my own very happiness.
"Ask and you shall have"
I've always thought that if someone wanted to give,
They would do so sincerely,
And there's no need for me to ask.
So far,
Over 20 plus years,
This belief has failed to serve its master.
Yet i stubbornly stuck by it,
And endured being tortured by subsequent unhappiness and disappointments.
Obviously there's a need for balance,
As in most situations.
But i continue to be tilted.
A pendulum that has forgotten to swing back.
So far,
I've slammed myself for being
Guilt-ridden,
Insensitive and inappropriate,
Hypocritical and unreal,
Vain proud egoistical,
Priority mis-management,
Stubborn to a fault.
How can anyone with all these 'qualities',
Be given odds of 7/4 to get attached anytime soon?
And no,
I'm not low on self-esteem or confidence,
The opposite really,
I'm buzzing from an over-dose of the above two.
But i need to give myself timely reminders,
That i am not perfect,
Not invincible,
Not a winner everytime,
Not the man i want to be yet,
Not living a dream,
Not the dream,
Not others' dream.
I think about how much i know,
And i recoil in fear,
Over how much i dont know,
And how much of what i think i know,
Is in fact misplaced perceptions,
That i dont really have a clue,
And i'm in La-la land still.
I blame my unhappiness on others,
Without thinking about the faults of mine,
Which far surpasses any apparent faults of others.
I need to master Self.
I need to be true.
Can i do it alone?
Or would someone else lessen this burden?
Maybe it has always been a puzzle designed to be pieced by Self,
And not Others.
Happened to be listening to Elton's Sacrifice right now,
And i think: How apt!!!

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

Heartbroken

Oh how my poor poor heart has suffered.
How it pained me to see bloody becks strutting like a model,
On a bloody football pitch.
And how the papers were gonna praise becks to high heavens should England had won.
The injustice of it all.
The french goals and the credits.
How it irks me.
I could write an essay,
But i juz dont really feel like slamming anyone right now.
Sigh...
England and penalties.
The cruel twist of fate.
I juz wanna sleep away my disappointment.
Lucky it's not a q-final or s-final game,
Or i shall be damn damn pissed.
Oh yeah,
And if there's still anyone who thinks Beckham is a worldclass football player,
Pls gimme a call,
And i'll make sure you wake up your idea!!!
And if anyone is thinking of trying to irritate me with eng taunts,
Pls reserve that effort,
Coz if irritated when in a bad mood,
Which i shall be for tomorrow,
I'll retaliate,
And probably not in words.
So there...
I'm still fuming mad.
But i gotta agree,
That has got to be one of the most dramatic comebacks since Munich '99,
Which is good for football.
Nothing is predictable.
Nothing is for sure.
And dont count your chickens before they hatch.
It's a bad habit.

Influence

And so Portugal flopped in the first game.
Credit to Greece though,
They played pretty compact and solid football.
Spain was impressive,
Very impressive i would say.
The way Portugal was built up by the media to be favourites,
Obviously heightened expectations of them.
And suddenly,
Over the past two weeks,
They became, in people's minds,
A worldclass team,
Capable of beating any team.
However,
The ability of that team hasnt changed a single bit over the 2 weeks,
It's juz how we have gotten influenced by so-called experts and pundits,
That Portugal is actually a worldclass team.
I dont have any grudges against them though,
Even though they made me lost big $ on them in the last world cup.
It's juz that,
I'm amazed by how succeptible we are to being influenced by what we read, hear and infer.
Seriously,
I'm a lil' bothered by these subliminal and conscious influences,
As i'm a betting man.
Like a pendulum i swing,
With different reports on teams and matches.
That is why i'm refraining from betting on the opening games,
So that i can better judge,
On my own account and verdict,
On which teams to stake on.
Rather than rely on others,
Trust yourself.
'Success has many relatives, but failure is an orphan.'
I think when one fails,
He usually will be left alone to pick himself up.
Sometimes we dont know when that failure would come.
Other times,
We expect to fail,
And thus refrain from attempting certain actions.
It's easy to say that one shouldnt be afraid to fail,
But it's like saying: No one would judge you if you should fail.
Wrong!
Obviously,
We are gonna be judged by others,
Whether we succeed or fail.
And most of the times,
It's a fear of these unsavoury judgments that we try not to fail,
Or not try at all.
I always believed in the means more than the ends,
Which means,
The process of doing something is more important than the end product itself.
This is open for debate,
And i do see the other side of the coin.
In the end, results matter,
But if we choose to view things in a long-term perspective,
I would say that the process of learning is far more superior than achieving certain objectives at a given time period.
But since we are all 'free' people,
We are liable to have differing viewpoints.
But we are also 'gracious' people,
So we can accomodate to others' idiosyncrasies.
If this is the case,
Then why are there still bloody bigots irritating the hell out of me?
Maybe i should try seeing things from their oh-so-narrow perspectives,
But that would mean i would have difficulty breathing.
Oh well,
They have their rights i guess.
But i juz wanna say: their bloody rights end where mine begins.

Kickoff

20 hrs and counting...
This is so exciting.
I havent been so excited for a long time.
After being starved of any serious football for 1 month,
I cant wait for Euro to start.
As a long-suffering England fan,
All i can say is:
Pray for David James.
He needs it.
Anyway,
Euro kicks off another stint of gambling.
Maybe we can beat the bookies at their game this time.
Yah right.
And obviously,
Something else got my adrenalin pumping.
http://premierleague.fantasyleague.com/Index.aspx
After the relative success of the EPL fantasy league,
We are back fighting for bragging rights.
Tabby won that one.
Speaking of which,
Arent we supposed to pool $ to bet on the eventual winner?
Someone isnt doing his job.
Get your ass down to it.
Seng, if you are still not comprehending,
It means, collate the $ and teams before kickoff.
I'm well prepared for Euro,
With its early morning kickoffs,
As i've been sleeping at 6 am everyday.
Plus,
I've stocked up on lots of chips for those lucky buggers,
Who are gonna mess up my place,
And without gratitude nor cleaning up.
Also,
I've polished off all my fruits,
So i wont have those buggers ransacking my fridge.
Lastly,
I've saved up quite a tidy sum,
To lose eventually to the bloody bookies.
And that euro fantasy league gave me such a headache,
Deciding who to partner Henry in my Dream team.
Of coz i shall keep my team a secret,
Lest some of those buggers try to copy.
It's time for some real footy people.
Rejoice!!!

Avarice

Oh!
And so i was accused of avarice/greed today.
Not in terms of material pursuits though.
Which looms in the distant with the impending Euro 04,
And my eventual part time gambling stint.
Anyway,
I was said to be greedy,
In terms of skirt chasing.
Lemme explain...
Obviously,
The comment wasnt a conclusion on my personality,
Or a damning charge.
However,
I felt the need to redress the injustice which i thought wasnt warranted.
Anyway,
For one to be pinned as greedy,
One would need to have something,
And still desired for more.
After acquiring more of that something,
One would still have an insatiable drive for more.
So the first premise here is that,
One needs to have something in the first place,
And the second premise would then swing in,
By desiring more of that something after initially acquiring it.
If the 1st premise is unsupported or inconclusive,
Then the 2nd premise wouldnt stand.
So i was charged with being greedy in my skirt-chasing,
With several names being brought up.
With all due honesty,
S is only a friend. Nothing more.
J is impossible. For now.
P? I've only seen her once. Hello!?
PP? I've juz got acquainted with her.
Obviously there are gonna be girls in my life.
However,
People seems to be missing the crucial point.
I am still a bachelor, alone, all by myself, unattached, single, available etc....
So there's no premise/grounds for surmising that i am greedy in the first place.
How can i be greedy when i have no one to call my own?
And obviously,
Humans are potentially more self-serving,
And knowing more girls doesnt neccessarily equate to being a two-timing bugger?
Who am i two-timing in the 1st place?
And obviously(again),
Why certain names are being brought up again and again,
Are coz i am attracted to certain qualities that those few girls emanate.
However,
To say that i am chasing them is wrong to a fault.
To say that i am in love with either is again unprovable.
To say that i am greedy is flawed.
But,
To say that i havent considered them as potentials is also misleading.
Which leads to my last point,
People,
I know you are all concerned,
Albeit a little about me,
And more about gossiping,
But when the time comes,
And the girl sashays into my life,
All will be duly informed...
And of coz,
I am a one-woman only guy.
Not that i only have eyes and heart for one woman,
But rather,
I would in no circumstance consider two-timing.
Afterall,
One character of my name (chinese) is Loyalty.
So spare me the verdict.
There's no crime in the first place.

Fitful silent dreams

Smell of mud on a black creek,
High stillness of primeval forest,
Rioting invasion of soundless life,
Shiny patches.
Moon spread over thin layer of silver,
A great river, glittering,
As it flowed broadly without a murmur.
A flavour of mortality.
A taint of death.
Fragmented and coherent.
Do you see?
A dream.
Absurdity, surprise, bewilderment.
In a tremor of struggling revolt,
Notion of being captured,
By the incredible,
The very essence of dreams.
Its truth, its meaning,
- Its subtle and penetrating essence.
Impossible.
We live as we dream, alone...
Like a charm,
Treacherous appeal to lurking death,
To hidden devil,
To profound darkness of its heart.
Feared neither God nor devil,
Let alone any mere man.
Joyless brillance of sunshine.
Another existence perhaps.
Unrestful noisy dreams,
Overwhelming realities,
Implacable force brooding,
Over inscrutable intention.
The chance to find yourself,
Your own reality,
Silence driven away.

1 Egg and 1 Plain

When we thought he had reached the pinacle,
We thought wrong.
Oh so wrong.
Seng da man has done it again.
It's pretty damn wasted,
That we didnt bother to jot down all his pearls of 'wisdom'.
It would definitely be a best seller.
Rule the roost in the Self-help section.
I shall try,
With this entry,
To immortalize his quotes.
Else,
They'll only be destined to be occassionally brought up,
And remind us of how kok one can be.

S: "No plain where got plaster?"
Someone: "So what you want?"
S: "I'll have 1 egg and 1 plain."

With this,
The hairball has done it again.
Granted,
Sometimes his philosophies have us clutching at our hair,
But other times,
They were welcome entertainment,
With a huge dosage of laughter added in for good measure.
Socrates?
Nah!!!
We have Seng, our dearest captain.
Haha...
I dedicate this post to you.
We do have very kok characters among us.
Whatz with one who likes to dangle when he's out?
Whatz with another who likes to wear pink panties?
Oh, and i forgot to add,
His twin has the same fetish.
Gosh!!!
I'm mixing with a weird bunch.
Which means,
Implicitly,
I'm wierd too.
A toast to wierd-ness.
A toast to years of solidarity.
A toast to more years to come.
A toast to more quotes.
A toast to more memorable memories.
And a toast to Reccos.
Will the real kok-ster please stand up!?
Please stand up.
Cheers!!!

Little Liberation

I'm hot.
I'm spinning.
I'm satisfied.
I'm rocking.
Rocking baby!
I'm cringing from another dose of alcohol.
I'm craving for another sip.
Another gulp.
I'm swaying.
To Kylie's voice.
To Kylie's lure.
I leaned back,
And enjoyed the moment.
I'm pounding.
My heart that is.
I'm flushed.
My face that is.
I'm throbbing.
My head that is.
I'm a little tipsy.
Not drunk though.
Juz came back from a movie.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
By Jove!
The aesthetic beauty of words,
Saying so much with so little.
It's pretty good.
I seem to say this about every movie that sets me thinking.
Ruminating within.
It's really good.



How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Listen Understand Say

Now i sort of realised,
Why i havent been having much to comment/say/reflect,
These past days.
I have been out of sorts.
Keeping myself at home.
Playing games on my com.
Juz bumming around.
Had a few issues/theories bandied about in front of me these few days,
And i'm surprised that i havent spoken up,
As they are topics that i have strong opinions about.
But as i was enjoying the morning air while driving,
A 'crinkly' glare from an oncoming car,
Made me shiver with clarity.
Literally,
I saw the light.
Why i havent offered my opinions,
On this blog as well as in conversations or debates,
Is such...
"A man convinced against his will,
Is of the same opinion still."
What is the use of stating another perspective,
If one is so convinced of his/her own perspective,
That s/he had offered it in the 1st place?
Surely insights would have been gained by parties involved,
If perspectives were exchanged and received.
However,
A more skeptical me now,
Seems to assume that though people,
Might be persuaded to cross a No-man's land,
And see things from the other side,
They wouldnt stay long enough to be convinced.
And so what if they do stay convinced?
Is my perspective any more right and flawless?
Obviously not since i'm as human.
Sometimes i think i am a lazy selfish prick.
Other times i think not so.
When i was seventeen,
At an age of innocence,
I've thought of an island lost,
In a boundless sea,
Where i could live,
In a hidden valley,
Among strange trees,
In silence,
And find what i want,
Which has been obscured,
By eveyday life at this very station of life.
A fantasy? Not.
Juvenile? Definitely not.
Naive? Maybe.
Somehow, I'm more inclined as days pass,
To believe in this dream of mine,
That i would one day,
Muster up that foolish courage,
Throw down everything,
Riches and relationships and all,
And head for a new life.
I think about how huge the world is,
And i'm amazed,
At how small i really am.
My brain cant really comprehend,
A world of this magnitude.
A multitude of possibilities,
A legion of complexities,
A myriad of mini-worlds.
Maybe i should use my heart to navigate,
Coz it seems to be more seamless and voluminous.
Anyway,
Juz to share,
A quote that have put me in good stead,
For years now...
"Give every man thine ear,
But few thy voice;
Take each man's censure,
But reserve thy judgment."

Lost for words

Everytime,
For the past few days,
I reached this page,
Thought about what i wanted to say,
My mind blanks,
And i leave without a single print.
I dont know what's happening.
I juz dont feel like writing anything.
Have words left me?
Or have i forsaken them?
At this point,
I have no idea what to type next.
I reach for the 'Delete' button,
But i paused.
Hesitated.
Considered.
Heck!
I'll juz post this,
And let it remind me of days when i cant seem to write anything.
Much less think about anything.
Damn!