Fate

Ah!!!
The F word.
Was telling L the other day i'm gonna write something on it.
The next day, i was struck by the fickle nature of fate.
Allow me to explain.
I had a dream. (not the martin luther speech)
I dreamt that there was someone (not sure who exactly) throwing a dice.
The first throw of the dice revealed a face saying 3.
The next throw revealed 1.
The two subsequent throws showed up 6 and 2.
Hmm.....
Now, in my dream i vaguely remember telling myself to buy 4D with these 4 numbers.
Then i woke with a start.
Shit! i thought.
Forgot the numbers and sequence liaoz.
Better go back to sleep and try to recapture the numbers before they slip away.
Anyways, sure enough 3162 came back to me, like a phantom.
And like in the dream, i reminded myself to buy 4D.
Then the dilemma set in.
Should i buy all the permutations or should i juz buy the numbers juz as they showed themselves?
Anyway, due to financial constrains, i didnt buy all the possible permutations.
And guess what!?
3162 was in the starters, albeit in it's opposite form - 2613.
Damn!
I could have won a cool $500.
Well, i dont think that money was meant to be mine anyway.
How funny this Fate thingy is.
To lemme dream of 4 numbers and yet not let me win.
Honestly speaking, what's the possibility of randomly dreaming of 4 numbers and then subsequently having them open in a lottery?
Chances are, the possibility's very low.
So low it would take an overly-optimistic person to bet on it.
Which juz brings me to another topic.
Watched Turn Left Turn Right anyone?
There was a line in it that describes Fate as pulling the 2 characters close to each other, yet not close enough for anything special to happen between them.
After some thoughts on the subject, i did some modification to it.
It would be suicidal to rely on Fate for any favours.
A lot of times, things are in our own hands.
Do i believe in Fate?
Yes and No.
I believe that Fate can pull people close and make them accquainted.
However, Fate doe not owe us anything, to the extent of us wishing that Fate would intervene and create a miracle or a chanced meeting.
Speaking of Fate as if it's a living entity, i must add a disclaimer here.
I use Fate here not loosely, but to justify all the coincidences and to explain the accquaintance of all those people who have been a part of our lives.
Truthfully speaking, i am culpable of using Fate as an excuse to delay or not do a certain action.
Dont we all use something as transient and inexplicable as Fate or Luck to explain certain actions (or inactions for that matter), certain things that we want to do but lack the courage, certain happenings that we could introspectively attribute to as our own fault/making?
I believe that Fate creates opportunities for us to make a certain action, for us to meet someone.
But what i do not believe is that Fate could then pull us closer or deny us the chance to be closer.
I believe that creation of opportunities by Fate is not akin to making something happen.
Rather, it all boils down to us - the protagonist in our own lives, to use the opportunities that come our way, and make things happen.
Fate let two persons meet, pulls them close, yet not close enough. (True)
Fate let two persons meet, pulls them close, yet keeps them at a distance, preventing anything special from developing between them. (False)
My point here is, to reiterate, the first sentence is true coz Fate can only accquaint people. Whether these acquaintances blossom into anything more in-depth is up to the individuals concerned.
The second sentence is false if the above point is applied.
Can Fate really play a cruel hand to torn lovers and keep them seperated?
Can Fate cause a misunderstanding so great between two bossom friends that they become enemies?
Can Fate deny us our dreams and aspirations?
Some of you might disagree with me that we hold destiny in our hands.
Some might agree that Fate or Luck does play a part in happenings.
Whatever it is, the reason why you are reading this right now is due to Fate or your own choice?

To Do, To Act, To Perform

Where is the Love?
Two levels.
1) Saw J twice today. In class and on the way to lib. The funny thing is, the initial attraction that i've always felt when i see her is inexplicably milder now. Maybe it's coz i refuse to be drawn into a vicious circle of sadness and disappointments when she's already attached. Maybe it's a self-inflicted suppression of emotions on my part. I seem to be pretty good at that. I'm not over her yet. I know that. Yet i refuse to cling on to the possibility that she could be available one day and i would be there for her. It's a long drawn out battle this one, one i can do without right now. I have to confess that despite my earlier preachings, i cant seem to be able to be friends with her. It juz seems to me that with regards to her, i seem to have lost my interest. My original interest of romancing her took a hard fall back to reality. Right now, it's like i dont even want to try and be frenz with her, to take our relationship beyond that of being mere acquaintances. Maybe i'm afraid. Afraid of falling deeper into the vicious circle i talked about earlier. Afraid that my futile attraction for her would blind me to the positivity of other gals. The dilemma that i have right now is, how to be friends with her w/out me and her feeling that tension? That tension which i create when i cant stop picturing her as a target and subsequently which my actions betray. Where is the Love?
2)Being a creature of emotions and sentimentality, the L word seems pretty elusive to me. Maybe i dont feel it even though it's there. Maybe i cant see it coz the other party is not my object of desire and affection. Maybe i'm expecting too much. Maybe i dont even know what it means to love and be loved. Maybe i dont know how to love in the first place. Again, maybes. Someone show me!!!

Alright, enough of bitching about love and its elusiveness. ED sent me a song jus now and it's been in repeat mode ever since. The lyrics struck a chord in me.

Disguise

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can't show them that you're weak
Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
You feel far from good
Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being
Somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Are you waiting for the day
when your pain will disappear
when you know that it's not true
what they say about you
you could not care less about the things
surrounding you
ignoring all the voices from the walls

I want to be able to be honest with myself and with others. Again, i cant seem to do it. Everyday is a test of my ability to carry off the facade of nonchalance that i put up. Not that it is not genuine or anything. It is juz that i keep showing only this nonchalant side of me to everybody. Everytime. I dont like to show my weakness. Think it's a male thing. Pride and all. I keep telling myself, someday someone will come along and i will then have no need for all these pretence and facades. I can be whoever i am and do whatever i want and say anything i feel like. Right now, with a level of sanity, i can safely say that i'm dreaming yet again. Why wait? Why wait for that someone to come along? Who knows when that someone will apprear? Do i want to keep on waiting? Or is destiny in my own hands? Or i am that someone i've been waiting? It is sad u know, to be half of someone who u know u can be.
Well, there's no need to despair for me. At least, i know i can be honest to a certain extent right here, on this blog. I dont care who reads this. I dont bother if u think highly or badly of me.
Or do I?
The ambiguity and capriciousness of a human mind.
My warped mind.

Lost In Translation

Somehow, i feel that i've lost part of my passion. Passion for writing, for reflections, for certain things in life that i hold dear. It partly explains my relative inactivity on this blog. Anyway, the other reason is the incessant tests and essays dued during the past week.
J once commented that i am too passionate, and that i should cut down on it and be more practical and pragmatic. That comment tore right through me. Telling me to lose part of that passion is akin to telling me to lose a part of my identity. Not to say that she was totally wrong, but rather i think there's a need to balance things out. Too much of anything is never good. Money and Sex included.

No Woman No Cry

No woman no cry.
At least that's what Marley advocated.
My theme song for the day.
Would really wanna write a bit more but i got a bloody drama review to hand in tml.
As usual, i havent started yet.
Anyway, L is leaving for Aussie soon.
Fine woman she'll turn out to be.
Will miss her tho, the corniness and idle chatter.
Take care ya!
And get something for me the next time u come back.
Had a gathering with my Aj class today.
Lovely bunch of people.
Sometimes, i wonder why i hated Aj so much.
Maybe coz i felt that i didnt belonged there for the entire 2 yrs.
Looking back, it's a bit sad.
Sad that there were a couple of potential friendships that werent nurtured.
Sad that i didnt really have much fond memories to talk about.
Unlike secondary school days.
Anyway, that's that. Gotta go and try do my review.
I can feel a bit of responsibility creeping in.
Ah!
That long-lost feeling of being satisfied with myself.

Leben ist sehr gut!!!

Why am i feeling good about Life right now?
It's not as if i feel that Life hasnt been good to me previously.
I know i am a fortunate soul.
However, being fortunate doesnt necessarily make thee a happy person.
Maybe when one learns to appreciate his good fortune, then one will be happy.
Well, in my case, happiness is not an elusive dream.
Rather, my currernt joy stems from the fact that i finally got down to study for my German test tml.
The satisfaction of knowing you "have done my(your) best, and I(you) have no regrets."
I juz hope tonight's efforts will not be in vain.
If it is, i'll be disappointed.
But it wont be the end of the world for me.
On a different note, i feel that i havent accomplished anything worthy of note yet.
Nothing that i can feel proud about.
Lots of stuff that i'm not very proud of tho.
The folly of Youth.
Anyways, i commented to X juz now that i needed a girl right now in my life.
The qns was posted back: but why do u think u need a girl now??
Stumped by this qns, i began exploring how to ans it truthfully.
The problem is: my comment is incomplete in the 1st place.
I do want a girl right now, to share in my life. However, the prob lies in me being hesitant to give up the freedom of being a swinging single.
Besides, the right girl hasnt appeared yet.
'Right' defined as single and attractive to me.
It's a pity J failed in the 1st quality.
Why do i need a girl?
Coz i've been without one for too long.
One whom i could relate to, seek comfort in and love.
One whom understands me, sacrifice for me and love me in return.
Reading the above, i'm not too hopeful that one who fits the criteria would appear anytime soon.
The mere words: 'understand', 'relate', love', 'sacrifice', entail much more than just alphabets and images.
To understand someone suggests being in sync with his/her deepest thoughts and fears and emotions.
How hard is that!?
There's no need to explain the magnitude of the other few words.
It's already so hard for one to manifest such qualities, not to say manifesting them on a mutual basis.
Girls are aplenty in Arts. (Engineering pple start being sour)
The irony is, i only need one.
Yet......

Top of the World

Supposed to be typing my PS essay right now, since it's dued tml 12pm. Well...... Whatz new? Typing furiously in the wee hours of the morning. Or the perception of me typing my essay, since i am now chatting and trawling the net(not for porn). Anyway, i'm currently feeling great. Theme song: Top of the World.
Why?
Coz J initiated a conversation with me and it was a great one at that. A bit on life and a bit on God. A bit of 'dear's' sprinkled thruout the conversation. A lot of 'nitez' and then resuming the conversation. A little like lovers on the end of a telephone line, reluctant to hang up, coz both know the moment they hang up, they'll miss each other till the moment they managed to fall asleep. Now, how many of us are guilty of this?
Anyway, this's my sentiments and in no way reflected her's. But it made me happy anyway. In a better mood to start my essay. Also, G juz reminded me on my philosophy regarding attached gals.
So what if the gals u like r attached? So what if they juz got tgt or been tgt for a long time? The pt to note here is: Be there for them when they break up. Theory is simple - at this sort of age, the couples either break up after a while or they get married. So chances are high that they break up after a while citing irreconcilable differences and whatnotz. The thing is, even if they managed to stick thru it for yrs, it'll be a gd test of one's feelings for that particular gal. Since the irony lies in One's capricious nature with regards to affection and attraction. Again, in my words: Fidelity is only juz a matter of choices. Allow me to elaborate. We get attached for a variety of reasons. Major ones being strong attraction, be it physical attraction or emotional attachment. However the determining constant here is TIME. Therein lies the dilemma we often face. Should we move on for better pastures when we come across one, or stick to the inferior one we're currently on? Again, it's a matter of perspective and perception. What may seem superior at a pt in time could only be a Percieved notion and not a Real superiority. Many of my guy frenz would stand on high moral grounds and say we need to be Responsible. *Now, where did i hear that before?*
RESPONSIBILITY IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS
Does that sound familiar?
Anyway, i digress.
On one hand, guys do need to have a certain level of responsibility in them. Don't ask me why. It's a gender thing. Especially where feelings are concerned. On the other hand, there is the problem of taking risks. In case u are lost, i'm still talking about whether to move on to percieved greener pastures or stay put and be responsible. Fidelity is a matter of choices. I do believe in that. Regardless of what people say. I can come across as lacking in sentiments and responsibility and lacking in regards for the other party's feelings. However, if a certain part of us contemplates moving on, it says volumes about the current state of the Relationship. Rather end it early when cracks are juz showing, than hanging on till the cracks become irreparable and start to fall apart. If one is so blissful in his/her current r/s, (s)he would not have eyes for anyone else. Probably, the guy would still be on the constant look-out for chio bus, but not in the unfaithful sense. I digress again.
Blogging is wonderful. Gives me a sense of mind, coz i get everything off my chest, in the form of words.
Anyway, shall try to start on my essay coz it's getting late and after i got some encouragement from a certain someone. Till then.

EQUALITY

Debated furiously and inconclusively by the sexes for years.
To no avail.
Neither wants to give in.
Neither willing to compromise.
So it's up to me to finally crack this problem of nuclear proportion.
It's simple really.
There's no such thing as Equality.
L retorted with : Equality lies in the mind of the beholder.
However, i beg to differ.
Equality is a myth.
Debates about Equality are nothing but a mere hoo-ha to air personal grievances, in a more grandiose and less self-gratifying context.
How many 'beholders' want to be equal?
How many humans want to be equal?
How many of us want to be juz like the rest, possess wat others Also have and not strive to be Bigger, Better and more Powerful?
If it can be agreed that everyone strives for personal gains and gratification, then it must follow that everyone seeks to be unequal(positive sense) with relation to the Rest.
It's a war, between Them and I.
From another vantage point, if it can be agreed that some people choose not to strive for material, physical, spiritual and emotional advantages while the others Do, then it again results in Inequality.
So there there.......
We think that Equality is juz a concept that we can grasp in our minds, something that we comprehend.
But it is not wat we think it to be.
A simple exercise to eleborate - Try imagining an equal world. U might think it's possible. Think again. A world where EVERYTHING is equal. A world where no one is better off than the other; spiritually, emotionally, physically, morally and materially. Is this world concievable? I very much doubt so.
Using a Platonic term, Equality is but an Ideal form. So ideal that it cannot possibly be manifested in our less-than-perfect world. The forms of mortal Equality-s represent a facet of that Ideal form, not the ideal whole, but a fallible portion.
In short, the next time some ultra-feminists bitch about this being a man's world and that so many things are unfair and that women should speak up and change the world and make it a better and more equal place, juz tell them: "Hi! We ply the same trade. You a feminist. Me a chauvinist. We fight the same war, but on different sides. U seek equality in status, education, customs, corporate ladders while i seek equality in terms of emotional blackmails, expected 'chivalrous' norms, fixing whatever that's broken, opening doors, buying diamonds and roses for occasions. Thus no pt in fighting this war of attrition any longer. No one wins. Coz what both sides want is elusive. Let's juz shake hands and make out.(oops! i mean make up, not make out.)

THAT kind of day!

How often does those kind of days come along?
How often does one's anticipation of spending time(however mundane) with the object of his desire, change into one big horror show?
How often then, does one mere day, shatter your confidence and self-belief?
Luckily for me, THAT day is over.
A new day dawns, stirring, promising better events...........
It's been soooo long since i was so attracted to a gal, yet it wasnt meant to be...........
On hindsight, think we're pretty incompatible........
Not tt i'm on sour grapes or watznot........
At least the guy seems pretty decent, tho i can see tt he's still serving the nation with pride.....
Well, what's a better way for me to find motivation to finally getting down to some serious studying?
I really hope i can do it, pull up my cap, get some decent grades, and be a happier man come end of sem.
Like i always say, rather ironically : Talk is cheap, in fact so cheap that it's free.
Pray with me...
Wrong.
Pray for me....

Friends

A couple of days ago, during a dinner with two friends, the topic of relationship and friends cropped up. What followed was an engaging exchange of viewpoints. An observation was then made about me not having a 'best friend', or even 'best friends'. The term 'best friend' here supposes a friend who shares in almost every aspect of my life, the ups and the downs. After some deliberations, i have to agree that it was an astute observation, one which had been scrutinised by me before. 2 qns was posed: "Don't you need a best friend? Or you can survive alone?" The ans is "YES and NO". I think i have certain friends who have shared certain phases of my life. At those points of my life, i would certainly consider them best of friends, someone whom i can share my thoughts and emotions with. However, it would be wrong to say that once i moved on to different phases of my life, these best-of-friends fades in importance or significance. I would think of it as saving our close friendship till another period of time, where Fate decrees that we resume that kind of close-ness and correspondence. Whatever it is, there are some people i call Friends, people who have seen the worst of me, who have shared laughter & disappointments and grown up together over the years, and who have accepted me for who i am. For that, i am truly grateful and fortunate.
"Do i need a best friend?"
This is a tough question. The fact is, i tend to keep things to myself. This immediately creates a barrier or distance between people who are close to me. "You allow people to come close to you, but not close enough." This comment carries some insight. Perhaps i'm the sort who refuses to allow myself to be in a situation where i might be vulnerable. 'Vulnerable to what?' you might ask. I don't really know myself. Maybe it's Pride. Maybe it's Fear. Maybe it's my character. Maybe i'm afraid that i would be hurt. Maybe i'm juz being over-protective.
Maybe-s.
If you ask me to choose between a close friend of 10 years and a girl who i like at a certain point of time, there would be no doubts about my choice. For all of you cynics and skeptics who think i would choose the girl, think again. Attraction is transient and ephemeral. Unless that attraction changes into love, the bonds of friendship is still much too strong and much too cherished to be broken.

The kind of guy

I might not be the kind of guy
who makes you laugh all the time,
But i'm the kind who won't make you cry.
I may be the silent type of guy
who tends to keep things to himself,
But i'll be there to lend a listening ear
whenever you need one.
I may not be the kind of guy who
your girlfriends comment: "He's cute!"
But i'm the one-woman-only kind of guy.
I may not tell you "I love you" all the time,
But deep inside, I do.
I really do.

Love Labour's Lost

Dear ****,
First time i saw you,
I thought : "Nice Figure".
First time i heard you speak,
I thought : "Nice Voice".
First time i spoke to you,
I thought : "Nice Smile".
Subsequently i realise that
I attach the word 'Nice'
To basically everything about you.
From purely physical attraction,
I felt an emotional longing.
A longing to spend time with you;
To discover who **** really is,
To understand what makes her tick.
I couldn't stop gushing about you,
To exasperated friends.
I become a mumbling idiot in your presence,
But grin like a fool after u leave.
I am intrigued by your personality,
Charmed by your laughter,
Attracted to your passion,
Melted by your eyes,
But ultimately tortured by the ambiguity,
The ambiguity of how you feel towards me.
Oh! How i wished......
Wished that you would say:
"I feel the same way too."
I constantly suppress this prodigious expectation,
In fear of the the abyss of disappointment that might follow.
However there's one thing i can't suppress,
That is, my attraction to you.
Note that i don't use the word L-O-V-E,
Coz i don't really know what Love is.
And i do really want you to discover with me,
The meaning of this four-letter word.
Love Me.

8 Reasons Why Scratching A Car Results In Emotional Upheavals

The scratching took place more than 10 days ago, yet it somehow managed to stay fresh in my mind. Luckily, i'm the only son, and my mum is quite a magnanimous person. So all seems to be forgotten a day after the Incident. Anyways, she was damn pissed when i sheepishly told her of my escapades.
Reason being, 1st: It was a new car, bought less than a few mths ago.
2nd: Mum's trust in me has been shattered.
3rd: My confidence shattered too.
4th: Chances to drive might be few and far between.
5th: Expenses incurred in re-spraying the paint and 'un-denting' the DENT.
6th: In retrospect, my blatant disregard for safety (mine and others).
7th: My character flaw is reflected in my driving (as aptly pointed out by my dad).
8th: People's confidence in my driving ability, which is usually closely associated with male pride, or to put it crudely, my manhood.
Well.... We all learn from mistakes. And that certainly stifled my innate urge to speed and cut corners. All is well now, and what remains are ugly reminders on the car door.