Innuendoes

Decadence.
Surely that is the word to describe everything about me right now.
Maybe we could throw in 'Indulgence' as well.
Today, I finally defeated the Zzz monster at 4 pm.
Which meant i had super late lunch,
And i wasnt really delighted over the food selections and tastes.
Of coz,
I didnt have anything planned for the rest of the day,
Which might translate into juz bumming around,
Whiling away precious precious time.
Of coz,
If i dig into the deeper recesses of my mind,
I would know that i have bigger things to do than bum around.
One would be to go for a long over-dued jog,
Coz my IPPT is in 2 days time.
Not that it would have made a big difference,
But at least i would know that i have tried,
In vain, for that elusive 400 bucks.
And of coz,
Modules bidding,
Which was screwed up by the entire CORS team and their idiotic system.
Is it anything new?
And i duly gave them a piece of my mind,
About how sucky i think their pretentious system is.
And they replied in kind,
Said they could do nothing over the screw-up.
And poor me could only bid in Round 1c.
This is so irritating.
But i left it at that,
Placing full faith in PS as an obscure major,
Which few students would have any interest in.
Lastly,
I am so super broke.
I think 500 a month is insufficient for me.
It SHOULD be adequate,
But i absolutely have no idea where my $ went.
And of coz,
I have to plan for next month,
And the month after......
Sometimes, the $ issue is driving me nuts.
Other times, I juz cant be bothered.
Like how i'm making plans to watch movies, meet for dinners, coffee etc.
Anyway,
O week's coming.
I cant decide if i'm excited or apprehensive over it.
Maybe it's neither.
I juz cant articulate that tingling feeling,
Not even if it's positive or negative vibes.
Oh, to hell with that.
I'll juz take things as they come.
I'm cool.
What else?
Hmmm......
Oh yah,
I've been having dreams,
Consecutively,
Different,
And consuming.
Dont ask me to elucidate,
Coz i've forgotten most of them,
And the rest are plain embarrassing.
The thing is,
I'm looking into my psyche and inner thoughts,
Trying to find some reasons to explain these dreams,
Which plagued every sleep of mine.
And of coz,
The Subconscious refuses to divulge anything,
Saying i should instead ask the Conscious,
And duly referred me to it.
And of coz the Conscious was flabbergasted,
And entertained me with some hot tea and biscuits,
Then shoo-ed me away,
Saying it's busy with higher thoughts and ideas.
At least it told me to phone Brain or Experience,
But i couldnt get through to Brain.
Maybe some synapses are faulty.
Then i tried calling Experience,
But it had some stoopid automated voice that says:
"Experience is currently away on a crusade for pleasure,
Kindly leave your message after the beep.
Beep."
Oh well, i thought,
I could do with some pleasure as well.
Who needs to decipher dreams,
When pleasure is at hand.
*grinz*
*hangs a Do-Not-Disturb sign*

The importance of honouring one's promise
 
 
prom·ise    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (prms)n.

A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.
Something promised.
Indication of something favorable to come; expectation: a promise of spring in the air.
Indication of future excellence or success: a player of great promise. v. prom·ised, prom·is·ing, prom·is·es v. tr.

To commit oneself by a promise to do or give; pledge: left but promised to return.
To afford a basis for expecting: thunderclouds that promise rain. v. intr.

To make a declaration assuring that something will or will not be done.
To afford a basis for expectation: an enterprise that promises well.
 
Words should not lose their meanings.
Neither should actions betray what words espouses.
And of coz,
Words are way too cheap,
Actions should their mettle prove. 
Nuff said.
Oh, and i am waiting.....
In vain, i hope not.
In despondence, i wait not.
For with expectations,
Which a promise denotes,
Arises a possibility,
Of bitter disappointment.
I shall wait.
I am the pattern of all patience.

The Great Pretender
 
I ask myself,
Why do i do the things i do?
What do i actually pursue?
Sometimes i cant comprehend myself.
An unfolding enigma,
Which is articulated at once,
And yet a swirling disguise in another.
Sometimes, i think i know why,
Other times i think not.
I daydream too much.
My head's way high up,
Mingling with the clouds,
Obscuring what i should have seen.
The problem has always been me.
I'm always my worst enemy.
I sabotage myself,
At times when success is nigh.
I lie to myself,
At times when honesty is crucial.
I delude myself,
When all i need is to see reality.
There are more than two sides to me.
Multi-faceted i would say.
However,
Darkness has reigned for too long,
Hope has long been vanquished.
I dont hope nowadays,
Unless it's for some outcomes,
In which the dice has already been cast.
It's more futile hope than optimism.
A classic example of delusion.
Do i lose myself?
Or am i found?
If so, by whom?
On this road less travelled,
I stumble and fall,
Scraped my knees,
Bruised my hands.
Bleary-eyed i squinted,
At filtered images,
Ghosting past,
Taunting me.
I cant decipher,
The whispers of fleeting winds.
Forlorn and forgotten,
I stumble no more.
Weary legs refuse,
To obey an exhausted mind.
I collapse,
In a frazzled heap.
I no longer believe,
That i can make it out,
Of this encircling woods.
There i wait,
And prayed,
For the solace that my mind pines.
For the love that my heart pursues.
For the mastery that my body warrants.
Do i wait forever?
Or do i stumble on?
 
 
 

I fear
 
For a little while last night,
I was afraid.
A panic of terror seized me,
When i realised that i could lose easily,
What had took me a long long time to find.
I dont wish to exist,
On vestiges of happiness.
I dont wish to remember,
Memories,
When i cant create anymore.
I'm afraid of falling.
Who doesnt?
I'm as fragile as the situation dictates,
Who's fickle?
The arrestation of fear made me tremble,
And i hid under the relative safety of my blanket.
More thoughts,
And i surmised.
I dont cave in that easily.
That the initial fear was one of reflex reaction,
And not deliberate.
I dont give up without a fight.
I'm tenacious.
I will try my bloody best,
To stem the flow,
From which the fear begun its course.
I can do more than just fearing.
The fear that consumed me,
Could just as easily infect someone else,
And i cant allow that to happen.
With a steely resolve,
I write,
I wrote.
And i extinguished my demons.
 

Verbal inaptitude
 
Early morning's dreary rain and grey skies didnt stop me,
From having fun and laughter all the same.
And i have the cranky buggers to thank for this undiluted happiness.
I'm very glad that i joined Arts camp,
Though it's so not me to do this kinda stuff,
The bummer that i am.
Anyways,
Shall keep this entry short,
Coz i seem to be pretty hot on MSN,
With half the world initiating conversations with moi.
Think a couple of months away from school,
Without any substantial desire to read anything,
I seem to have lost my ability to translate thoughts into simple sentences,
Neither do i have that past capacity to iron out complex thoughts.
Oh well....
The sacrifice for months of bumming and late wakings...
Life is fair, isnt it?
You win some, you lose some.
It's all a matter of coming to terms with what Life deals.
I cant wait for school to start.
I cant believe i juz said that.
It's so ironic.
And yay...
Blue-green fonts.
This is way cool.
 
 

Looking through a glass, rose, darkly.

Havent blogged in like 1 week.
In blogging terms of time and space,
That is a rather lengthy period.
Which is usually characterised,
By certain personal developments,
Which thus leaves one without the desire nor strength,
To contemplate and leave the resulting prints online.
It has been an eventful one week.
I've visited dear old Esplanade for like 5 or 6 times past week.
I could almost find my way there blind-folded.
Or by juz sniffing the surrounding air.
However, much as i complain,
I feel an attachment for that place,
With its seraphic merlion and almost-romantic intimate winds.
Coz it is this place where i had several engaging conversations,
Which gave me warmth and made me smile.
And right now,
I'm viewing the world,
Through rose-tinted glasses.
It does give me a certain sense of anxiety
As i know that this hue wont last forever.
Neither would it be beneficial to always see things in rosy hues.
I'm not an optimist,
Most of the time,
Or so it seems.
Things are no longer that sombre and dismal,
Or so, as i view them,
And as i view myself.
Obviously,
There are still lots for myself to achieve and adapt to,
But right now,
I do approach them with much more self-belief and fortitude.
I've met friends whom i havent seen in ages,
And feel the same delightful charms and warmth emanating
From fond familiar faces.
It's like they've never left.
Steady footsteps,
On this new chapter of my life.
I cant ask for anything more.
And i dont.
It's so easy to preach,
And tell people to appreciate what they have at this instance of life,
But it's more difficult,
To slow down to a halt,
And look around,
See people for who they are,
Love them for who they are and have been,
And thank them for being there in your life.
And for me,
This silent appreciation is long over-dued,
And i am appreciating still.
Many wont read this,
Nor hear my thanks,
But i believe my silent prayers will reach them,
Latently or otherwise.

A beam of sunshine

Four days have elapsed.
Four happy days.
Four buoyant days.
I go to bed everynight,
Anticipating tomorrow's arrival,
Another conversation,
Another meeting.
I've been careful,
Not to step on thorny paths,
Preferring to keep the boulevard clean and honest.
However,
Much as i try,
It is not as yet possible.
I have faltered a little,
Stumbled a little,
But managed to regain my balance.
I cant afford to make a mistake.
I dont want to lose my joy.
I dislike lengthy loneliness.
I want my dreams to come true.
I know there will be darkness and storms ahead,
But tempests dont last,
And i know that as long as we believe,
That the clouds will clear,
There will be sunlight again.
My beam of sunshine,
A resplendent radiance.
My very joy.

I'm not in love

I've juz downed a whole tub of Ben n Jerry's,
To try and dull the pain,
But it juz doesnt go away.
The acute pain in my jaws only serve to accentuate
The numbing pain in my heart,
So much for ice-cream being comfort food.
I'm anything but comforted.
I'm guilty.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
I feel like a jerk.
If only you people know about what i've done.
(that wasnt aimed at you jon)
Much as i try,
I cant seem to do anything right.
Deep down,
I know what i have to do,
Yet my resolve failed me,
At the most critical period.
And now the tangle's more complex,
And i'm stuck in between.
Four more days left.
I've gotta right all the wrongs.
I've gotta let my heart speak.
I've gotta let my actions prove.
I've gotta say all that i want to.
I've gotta make the right decisions.
I've gotta stick to them.
I've gotta tell her.

Women, not girls, rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age woman, not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl?
You don't have to watch Dynasty
To have an attitude
You just leave it all up to me
My love will be your food

You don't have to be rich to be my girl
You don't have to be cool to rule my world
Ain't no particular sign, I'm more compatible with,
I just want your extra time and your KISS

Jerk

I have been such a complete jerk.
It aint easy being the bad guy,
As i've always tried to play the good guy.
But where does it all land me?
Right where i've always been.
The wasteland of emptiness, disappointments and loneliness.
I've been told to buzz off and disappear for good.
Maybe i should.
But it wouldnt solve anything.
Sigh...
But as sure as the rain will fall,
I'm juz as sure that the sun will shine again.
Maybe the season's turning colder,
But i'm always here,
If you ever need me.
Right now,
In all these dark despairs,
I know there's a light,
Shining for me,
Waiting for me to reach out,
For its warmth and love.
I juz hope this light doesnt extinguish,
Before i reach for it.
For if it does,
The resulting total darkness might be too much for me to handle.
I'm holding on,
To this promise,
Of happiness and salvation.
But the day i reach out for the light,
Will be the day i'm finally prepared,
To accept its possible loss.
When?

Bloody braces

Went to the clinic with fear,
Amounting to trepidation.
But my worries were in vain,
Coz all the equipments looked harmless to me.
A bit of soft bristles,
A lil' glue here and there,
Basically no sharp and pain-inducing objects.
And there was no pain.
But,
I'm irritable and angsty now.
I'm pissed that plans for malaysia seafood have to be postponed.
I'm annoyed that i'll have to endure a new round of suan-nings,
From 'well-intentioned' buggers.
18 bloody months.
It's almost as long as NS.
I cant believe it!!!
The sheer agony....
I shall die from pining for the day to arrive.....
Anyway,
To all those poor pple who have endured,
Or are gonna endure my incessant whinings,
Erm....
I'm not gonna thank you all,
Coz i feel that i am entitled to whine for today,
And tomorrow and tomorrow,
But i shall show u all my pearlies when the irritating metal is gone.
Meanwhile,
Be irritated by me.
And my braces.
Now my bite's worse.
Beware.