So Much...

I've got so much feelings,
Emotions,
Thoughts,
Fears,
Apprehensions,
Swirling inside me right now,
I dont know where to start.
To start dissecting them,
To start truly feeling them,
To start understanding them.
Let's start with school.
The entire last semester was one lonely and forgettable period.
There was no one to talk cock with.
No one to have lunch with.
No one to mug together with.
No one to stay overnight with.
No one to say 'Hi' to.
No one to gossip with.
No one to laugh with.
No one to KoL with.
No one to play cards with.
No one to slack with.
I could go on...
It's such a sad existence.
But I kept it all in.
I portrayed a brave front.
I walked past the clubroom, the canteen, the library, Co-Op, the corridors, the smoking areas...
And all that was left were lingering nostalgia and phantom images.
It would never be the same again.
And once again,
I was left trying to grasp what had already past,
What had already happened.
To maintain my pretended nonchalance,
I went to school only when I needed to,
And left whenever I'm done.
Yet,
At the end of the day,
It was all futile.
P told me my sentimentalism was all but 1 sem too late.
They were all over it.
It can be 10 years late,
But to me,
I would still wish myself back to those times.
How often I've wished so hard that I could go back to those periods of time,
Where I really grew up,
Where I discovered myself,
Where I shared so much good times with my friends.
It's over I guess.
NUS is a closed chapter.
What pains me most,
Is thinking of all those relationships that will eventually close as well with time.
Sad,
But inevitable.
Yes,
I am sentimental.
A lot of times,
I just cant let go.
A lot of times,
I keep everything inside me.
I dont show all those close and dear,
That I care so much about them.
It's so easy to misunderstand me as cold, unfeeling and indifferent.
I'm like that on the outside.
But the me inside is one vulnerable and sentimental sod.
That explains all the defensive mechanisms.
I really dont think there is anyone in the world who could know me 100% inside out.
And I do think it's my own doing.
The real me is masked by so much pretense,
So many walls,
It's all an unwieldy maze really.
One that I cant even navigate sometimes.
On another note,
I'm relieved and frustrated about the marathon.
Though I completed it,
It was really frustrating and excruciating.
Having cramps is no excuse in my opinion.
I had cramps the last time around too.
The last 14 km were so acutely lonely and long.
One struggle after another.
When my legs failed me,
My mind had to keep going.
When my mind faltered,
My legs had to keep going.
One km after another.
I had to talk to myself to keep going.
I had to ignore the growing pain and debilitating cramps.
I had to overcome the helplessness when I cramped up and cant walk/jog on.
A part of me didnt want to cross the finishing line.
A part of me wanted to walk on,
Through all the pain and loneliness and frustration.
Thanx for cheering me on at the end-point guys.
It made me feel better.
There's so much more I wanna say.
So much more I wanna pour out.
Yet,
I decided to keep some thoughts to myself.
As usual.
Sometimes,
Certain things dont really change.