Death be not proud

This thought has flitted past several times.
It's juz that i paid it scant notice.
Viewing it as nothing but mere vapours from bouts of mini-depressions.
I wondered, albeit for a little while,
How many people would actually shed a tear or two for me,
If i happened to die?
The fragility of life frightens me.
It appears with sudden clarity,
And then disappears,
Leaving me with a sense of loss and detachment.
As if this is not enough,
I would inevitably think of losing people who are dear and close.
And i would shudder and not think at all.
Indeed, it is so solemn and dreadful a thought,
That i'm refusing to acknowledge its existence.
At this age,
I'm not ready for deaths.
I'm not ready for grieving.
I'm not ready to lose anyone who matters.
The problem here is that i can do nothing about it.
Sometimes i pray,
For people i care about.
Other times,
I take them for granted,
Assuming they'll be always be standing right there,
With an encouraging word or warm smile.
The magnitude of Life and Death is too much,
So encompassing,
That i cant grasp its essence.
How often do we wonder,
What is it that we are here for?
How should we live?
What is the single most important thing in life?
I stutter,
I stall,
I'm silent,
For i have no answer.
I can give a hypothetical or theorical answer,
But it wouldnt matter,
Since i cant apply it to my own life.
I look back,
And note the changes in me,
How age and experience have shaped me,
Into what i am today.
I try to conjure images of the future,
To take a peek into its enigmatic riddles,
And i see only rosy hues.
Are they real? I asked.
Or am i seeing only what i want to see?
If life is short as the cliche goes,
Why am i wasting it?
Why am i letting it slip unhurriedly away?
How can we actually grasp it?
Again, i'm stumped.
*blank*
With sleepy eyes and a swirling mind,
I am incapable of further reflections,
For they turn in circles,
Perennially arriving at new conundrums,
Like a dog chasing its own tail.
I smiled wryly,
And think to myself,
I need sleep, for it invigourates and animates life.
Forget that its short and transient and ephemeral,
Just remember that from the moment we are born,
It has always been a struggle to stay alive,
And it's the struggles that defines and shapes life,
For if life is smooth and windless,
What do we live for?
Anyways,
A little poem to reflect further upon.
One of my personal favs.
***************

Death Be Not Proud
by John Donne
(1572-1631)

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

*****************

Jaded

Bintan here i come!
Three days of nothing but the sun sand sea.
Ah, three glorious days.
I can already smell the sea breeze.
I can already taste the salty air.
I can almost feel...
However,
It is with a heavy heart that i'm leaving with.
A heart that wants nothing else but peace.
And solitude.
A heart that desires to escape.
Escapism.
I know it's all futile.
Coz when i'm back,
Images, persons, problems,
Will continue to haunt me,
Harangue me.
I'm jaded.
When one moves on,
Some things or persons are inevitably left behind.
It cant be helped.
I'm not gonna wait anymore.
I'm not gonna hang on,
For the same consequence to repeat itself.
There comes a point where any movement is better than an impasse.
It could be lateral or horizontal for all i care.
I wanna move on.
I will move on.
It's juz that the sentimental side of me holds,
Glancing back,
At the distant figures,
The silhouettes,
Profiles without faces,
Faces without attachments,
Attachments without memories,
Memories without emotions,
Emotions without souls.
I guess that is it.
I shall be back in a week.
Of which i hope some sessions of sweet silent ruminations,
Would have transpired into cultivated actions.
Ta-ta...

Memory

Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
It was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And the new day will begin
Burnt out ends of smokey days
The stale cold smell of morning
The streetlamp dies
Another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my day in the sun
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is
Look a new day has begun
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
It was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Barry Manilow

Why do i feel so sad?

Why?
Why do i feel so?
Why do i feel so sad?
Why does melancholy sweep me?
I'm trying to grasp the reason.
And yet,
It seems to elude me,
Whenever i get close enough.
Perhaps it is shy.
Perhaps it is afraid.
Afraid of losing its grip,
Its power,
Its meaning,
The moment,
I unveil it.

Perhaps it is actually they.
I feel there's more than one single deciding factor,
For this inexplicable feeling.
I cant even describe it.
Neither melancholy nor sadness fit perfectly.
Lemme recount my day.
Maybe i can find insights from recapturing the key events.
First thing i did in the morn was to play soccer.
Not on any old field or court.
I played on astro turf.
Synthetic grass.
It was cool.
But fucking hot.
The weather was a killer.
And i'm a cross between looking radiant and burnt.
Anyway, that was that.
Went home,
Then went to settle my passport.
It's juz typical old me to leave it till so late.
4 days before i'm to depart for Bintan.
Only now then i pressed the panic button.
Anyway, it was typical old me who settled it with some ingenuity,
Of which, i shall not reveal,
Lest some say i'm too 'modest'.
Went on a shopping spree after that,
Burnt and hot not withstanding.
Now this will be of interest.
The way i shop is pure minimal fuss.
I walk into the 1st shop,
Saw a pair of slippers,
Smiled at the salesgirl,
Tried it on,
Checked the price,
Paid,
And walked out,
All done in 5 mins,
But pissed off after stepping into a second shop,
And saw slippers of similar desirability,
At half the price.
It was a similar tale for my purchase of a cap.
T can vouch for it.
But the last item was a little trickier.
Walked past Oakley shop,
Rate the preference level for various sungalsses,
Make mental note to come back later with T for his opinions,
Met T,
Went back to shop,
Enquired about the prices,
Tried a couple on,
Flirted with the cute salesgirl,
Looked good in one,
Checked the price again,
And bought it.
Went for makan,
T and I agreed that the salesgirl was cute,
Decided to get her name and number,
Went to get her name and number,
Flirted with her again,
Mumbled and fumbled a little,
Still managed to do alright,
In my opinion,
Got her name and number,
But unsure if she gave me her Real number,
So planned to go back tomolo and get it from her again,
If it indeed is fake.
Watched Troy with J and T,
It was decidedly good,
One of the better ones i watched in a long long while,
Enlightened me a little more about the human condition.

So, that's my day.
The first time i felt so good.
The first time i accomplished so much in a day.
For a very long time.
I feel empowered,
But at the same time,
Lost.
Maybe it's the movie with its endearing themes.
Maybe it's the picking up salesgirl part.
That was more for the thrill,
Than anything else.
T thought it was mad.
I said: We should do something mad once in a while.
To ease the mediocrity and mundanity of daily life.
I was 'mad' today.
Maybe the sun fried my brain in the morning.
Maybe i decided to let go of my guard,
Subliminally.
Maybe i'm changing.
Slowly, but surely.
I hope i wont be singing to a different tune tomorrow.
I hope i dont have to go down to Oakley and be persistent tomorrow.
I hope i can continue this madcap personality of mine tomorrow.
I hope i can continue to change, for the better, tomorrow.

Now i know what i am feeling.
That indescribable feeling is now known.
It is an alien feeling.
One i'm not accustomed to.
One that flits around me,
Never really settling down for a while.
I'm smiling.
I'm grinning.
I'm mocking myself.
Yes.
I'm feeling happy today.
H-A-P-P-Y
A word i've almost forgotten.
Happiness.
An emotion i've long sought.
I look inward and i see radiance.
I see sparkles and beams.
I see a different me.
I see a different path.
The road less travelled.
And i shall call S tomorrow,
That's the cute salesgirl's name by the way,
And tell her she was part of a day,
Where i felt happiness,
In little packets,
And she's one of the packets.
Oh i shall.
Sweet dreams.

Waiting

I'm sick of bumming around.
Waiting for the day to expend itself.
Waiting for my eyes to get tired.
Waiting to slip into inviting slumber.
Waiting for the next tomorrow.
I'm tired of waiting.
Change doesnt come with waiting.
Love doesnt come with waiting.
I shall wait no more.
I shall shall moving.
Oh yes, i shall.
I will.
I am.

Procrastination Strikes Back

Lemme recount a story of mine,
Of how procrastination can bite you back,
Long after the process of actual procrastination was over.
I was applying online for a new passport,
Coz my old one expiring liaoz.
Which means i need to make the payment online via debit card.
The passport costs $60 by the way.
But dear old me couldnt be bothered to activate my new debit card,
Which i replaced in January.
So in fact, i've got the damn card,
But it's not activated, so i cant make purchases or payments.
So after the long tedious process of filling in my particulars,
As well as cropping and resizing of my pix for my new passport,
They all came to nought as i cant make the payment.
Damn!
Somemore, my parents were sleeping so i didnt wanna wake them up.
I refused to give up.
Then bright old me thought of a plan.
"Damn! I'm good!" I said to myself.
Plan: Internet transfer the $ to friend's acct, then use his/her card to make the payment.
Ah....
Here's the catch.
I asked 4 out of the 22 people online,
But to no avail.
T has got only $7 in his acct,
But even though he agreed,
DBS bloody failed me.
I couldnt make a 3rd party transfer.
Something wrong with their server or something.
Damn!
G doesnt have a debit card.
And the other 2 rejected me outright.
Hmm......
I am tempted to wail and rail at the world,
But i understand their apprehension in providing sensitive particulars,
Like credit card no and expiry dates.
And i understand too,
That the whole problem arose from my initial procrastination.
So i can only slam myself.
Damn again!

Bored

How bored can one get?
Very...
Chatting with C right now.
Which translates to me being very bored to do so in the 1st place.
She's gonna kill me for saying so.
But who cares.
I'll be strangled by boredom before she reads this anyway.
Yay...
Four buggers took up my calls of boredom,
And are all wasting time with me.
......
And one by one,
They fell by the wayside,
Unable to take my crap anymore.
Only one is left,
On equal footing.
Damn! She's good.

"wat songs u listen to?
MoRT@l eYeZ C nO LiGhT^Xi@OfeN says:
english songs
Litost says:
why did i ask tt in the 1st place?
Litost says:
of coz lah
Litost says:
then wat?
Litost says:
thai songs
Litost says:
malay songs?
Litost says:
tamil?
Litost says:
kaoz
Litost says:
*exasperated*
MoRT@l eYeZ C nO LiGhT^Xi@OfeN says:
how i noe? some ppl listen to e chyna songs u noe"
......

I'll continue my battle.

Dreams

Went for Loon-y's play the other day - Shanty.
Something about following your dreams.
No matter how absurd it sounds to others.
No matter how horribly misplaced in your times.
There were several aspects about the play that intrigued me.
I'm a strong advocator of following one's dreams.
However, the key here is in identifying the 'dreams'.
Are the dreams that we have, only an ideal?
Or are they what we really want to pursue?
I think there lies a misconception here.
People always seem to say society and stigmas give their dreams no chance of materialising at all.
That it's overwhelming social obstacles that's preventing them from attaining that elusive dream(s).
I propose an alternative view.
Have these people ever wondered whether their so-called dreams are actually what they really want?
Really want to achieve and for it to bear fruits?
Something that they are willing to make sacrifices to realise?
Is it their longing?
Is it their calling?
Or is it juz a mere figment of their imagination?
A cover for their material pursuits?
An excuse to put them in line with all those who could truly say they have chased their dreams?
A glorification of their innate and intrinsic 'dreams'?
Or is it the in-thing to say: Oh! I do have my dreams, but this society doesnt allow me the space and opportunity to realise them. Sigh...
It's a thin line between what we truly desire and what we think we want.
I seem to always say this, but it is really a fine line.
It was also mentioned in the play,
That if we do know what it is we want to pursue,
Then we should set out to attain it,
Coz no one is gonna do it for you.
I like this part.
A lot of times,
We, or rather I, put off so many things that require immediate attention,
Thinking that someone, somewhere, somehow, would come along,
And spur me to complete them.
And with time i realise that this self-proposition is not gonna work.
No one is gonna come along and magically make things brighter and better.
It's gotta be me to be that someone.
Also, even if we do identity and chase that dream of ours,
When do we say that we have realised it?
An example from the play,
The band - The Borrowers, consist of four aspiring young minds.
They made it big.
They chased their dream of being in a band.
But at which point did they achieve their dream?
When they won the talent-time?
When they recorded 4 No. 1 hits?
When they toppled Beatles off the charts?
Different band members want different things out of this dream.
In a sense, we could perhaps infer,
What they truly want is not to be in a band.
Maybe it's financial security.
Maybe it's fame and women.
Maybe it's food to keep alive their fantasy world.
Maybe it's youthful zest and exuberance disguised.
Whatever it might be,
A split was inevitable,
Coz when men have different priorities,
They tend to disagree,
And go their own ways.
Whatz left are juz memories.
Memories of a good time.
Memories that grow fuzzier with time.
Memories that make them yearn for the undiluted past.
Oh, be sure to read this article.
http://books.guardian.co.uk/extracts/story/0,6761,1204786,00.html
Something about Orgasm.
Now i've got ur interest...

It is axiomatic that women fall in love first and discover lust later, while men fall in lust and only subsequently learn to love.

An extract taken from the article.
I havent really figured out if i agree or disagree with this statement.
Some other time perhaps.

Weakness or Strength - A matter of perception?

Havent written a word for like days.
Coz i've got nothing much to say.
Why?
If i dig further,
I'll realised that i've got nothing to comment precisely coz i spent 3/4 of my time gaming.
The other 1/4 is spent sleeping, eating and plotting how to proceed to the next stage.
If i reflect further,
I'll realise that i'm doing so much gaming coz i'm avoiding something.
I'm avoiding the trouble of finding a job.
No doubt i need $,
But i'm procrastinating.
If i reflect further on this procrastination,
I'll realise something about myself.
For a guy who hasnt really done a hard day's work before,
(I'm discounting the temp waitering jobs and tuition)
It's really hard to get started.
It's nothing to be ashamed or proud of.
It's the circumstance of my life so far.
It's unknown territory really.
So i'm apprehensive.
If i take this apprehension and reflect further,
I'll arrive at something about me.
Something i'm not very proud of.
I'm lazy.
There is no moral to my 'further reflections'.
It's juz that when we have a strong belief about something,
Very often we shouldn't juz stop at that.
We shouldnt juz let this strong belief guide us subconsciously.
If we probe further,
Very often we'll discover something about ourselves.
The underlying reason on why we think this way.
The sub-text.
The main motivation that is fuelling this belief.
Sometimes this motivation is not a positive one.
In that i mean that this motivation could be unsavoury in terms of desirability.
So the key to reconciling our beliefs and others' beliefs,
I think,
Would lie in understanding ourselves first.
If we know why exactly we do something,
With all the underlying subtleties articulated,
And armed with this self-knowledge,
Only can we hope to accept others' differing opinions/beliefs/values.
On a side note,
When we believe in a belief/value/principle so much,
That it shapes our actions/decisions,
And make us give up something(s) precious,
Over time,
With experience and awareness and reflections,
We might come to question ourselves.
Why do i really believe in that?
What do i believe in that?
And we then weight the sacrifices that we made in favour of that belief.
What if we realise that the belief wasnt as steadfast?
Or that it was flawed?
Or that the belief wasnt worth the sacrifice(s)?
Wouldnt we be shattered then?
Wouldnt regrets fill our lives?
This is my biggest concern.
Not of any differing opinions.
Afterall, i can say with a degree of certainty,
That i'm fairly open-minded about such things.
To each his own,
I often say.
But sometimes i see the potential problems that might crop up.
And i do have to speak up,
And voice my concerns,
Especially if it concerns someone close.
It is such a fine line,
Between a true belief and false belief.
What one agree as true one day,
Might be perceived as flawed the next.
No doubt we need principles/values/beliefs to guide our lives and decisions.
I'm not questioning this.
I'm questioning blind faith.
I'm questioning the 'by default' adherence to internal beliefs.
I want people to reflect.
On their actions.
What are the underlying reasons?
What is it they are trying to hide?
Is it weakness perceived as strength or strength perceived as weakness?
Sometimes we need to be brutally honest with ourselves.
We might be afraid of what we might discover about ourselves.
A positive can be a weakness.
A negative can be a strength.
It's a matter of perception.
However, with regards to ourselves,
Since we know ourselves best,
It can only be one.
No matter how much we want to view it,
No matter how much we discolour it with our excuses,
It can only be a positive or negative.
Either a strength or weakness.
It can be both coz it is applicable to others.
But with regards to us,
There can only be one.
And usually it's weakness.
Otherwise, why is there a need to make excuses?
Why is there a need to hide behind a cloak of legality/morality?
Why is there a need to hold on to it resolutely without questioning?
Coz we lie even to ourselves.
All the time.
It's basically human.
The i'm lazy statement is not my final conclusion.
There's something deeper.
A weakness.
And it is preventing me from disclosing.
It doesnt want to be seen in the light.
In its nakedness and vulnerability.
In short, pls question yourselves and your actions.
We should try and remedy the root problem,
And not the symptomatic effects.
And i promise you it will be a hugely fulfilling experience.
Why?
Coz only when we understand ourselves,
Can we seriously try and understand someone else.
I do think it's likely that we dont attain a full knowledge of ourselves,
Due to the complexity of human minds.
But shouldnt we try to narrow the gap between ignorance, partial awareness and full knowledge?
Am i making sense?
I dunno...
I'm sleepy.
If i dig further,
I know that feeling sleepy is an excuse.
A way of absolving myself from possible contradictions people might find in my argument.
An excuse to gloss over the flaws.
If i reflect further...
STOP!
We do need to know when to stop.
It can be a vicious cycle, you know.