Lucubration

Learnt a new word today.
It describes in one fell swoop my preference for studying in the wee hours.
How cool is that!

lucubration \loo-kyoo-BRAY-shun; loo-kuh-\, noun:
1. The act of studying by candlelight; nocturnal study;
meditation.
2. That which is composed by night; that which is produced by
meditation in retirement; hence (loosely) any literary
composition.

I've juz woken at 4am.
Which meant i've slept for 12 hrs.
This is bad.
My internal clock is all screwed up.
So i'm alive at night,
And zombie by day.
And i do realise that it is very bad for my health.
1st, i dont eat proper meals.
Juz like now,
After missing dinner,
I'm scavenging for food.
And there is none available.
So i'm reduced to eating canned longans and honey stars.
2nd, my eye-bags indicate that i'm not sleeping well.
Or not sleeping at all.
3rd, i'm missing out on all the activities in the day,
Coz i'm sleeping most of the day away.
4th, i'm juz bumming around.
Sleeping and watching Discovery and gaming.
Doing nothing substantive.
I seek a balance.

Daddy Speaks

While watching footy on telly juz now,
X asked me: So how did your dad do it?
How did he become the man he is today?
I shall not speak for the man,
Since he had already so aptly answered.
Hard work, determination, opportunity and risk-taking.
I find myself nodding in agreement to most of the stuff he mentioned.
He's a good dad by my standards.
For guys, they usually model themselves on their dad.
Not in their dad's totality,
But rather on their positive attributes.
So in his image(almost),
I'm lazy(it's in the genes), a gambler by nature, and not very chatty.
The above sounds rather negative.
They are, coz i havent discovered any of his positives listed above, in myself, yet.
Maybe cept for the element of risk-taking.
He mentioned that at our age,
Studies should be one of our top priority.
And with adequate effort to match.
And in this area, i've been a failure.
However hard i've tried,
The motivation and consistency juz refuse to come.
Even if they did,
They dont stay around for long.
What more with my two sis getting superlative results.
I've longed argued that results count for nothing in life.
It's true to a certain extent.
But i'm questioning this retort of mine.
Is it a defense of my not-so-distinct results,
Or juz simply an excuse so i have no pressing need to acknowledge my failures,
As well as the fact that my grades reflect my effort?
Quite simply, i've lost the plot.
And i should stop kidding myself.
So confident of my own ability,
That i believe i could get thru school without much effort.
Maybe i could do it,
But what would be the point!?
Since i've previously stated so vehemently,
That it's the process of achieving good grades that matters.
The thing here is,
I have mastered neither the means nor the ends.
Flattered to deceive.
This is how i would describe myself.
So how do i vindicate myself?
A semester of good CAP would mean nothing if i screw up the subsequent sems.
It would again point to the fact that i have yet to achieve the desired level of tenacity, self-sacrifice and prioritising.
The thing is,
I cant promise that my action would parallel my reflection.
Sometimes, i dont know whatz the problem with me.
Something is definitely wrong.
Some things.
Answers.
I need answers.
Try looking within...

Bum

Ah....
The sweet scent.
Of indolent ennui.
Spent Fri and Sat sleeping and bumming around.
It's such a joy,
To have nothing coercing from a distance.
To have all the time in the world.
Anyway, i realised i suck at exams.
Especially when there's Time involved.
Cant seem to write out a proper, logical, coherent paragraph.
And my brain usually choose to malfunction when i need inspiration.
Or offer a rather unhelpful suggestion: Erm... I dont know how to answer this question.
Anyway, it's over.
My brain will get another crack at it next sem.
Thought i'll spruce up this webbie with a new design.
Which incidently is not created by me.
I'm a pirate.
An unapologetic one at that.
Buahahaha....
And i'm cranky.
So many things to do.
Mahjong.
I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
I know coz i dreamt that i was playing mahjong last night.
And i won big time.
Told you it was a dream.
Read.
Loadsa books.
Very few stuff can offer me the pleasure of buying and reading a new book.
So i try my darnest to not enter kino or borders.
Or any second-hand book stores for that matter.
Which brings me to clubbbing.
OH...
The babes, the booze, and the bodies...
Now i juz need to find company....
Right...
Moving on,
I need to start jogging and working out.
Jogging provides me time and solitude for reflections.
It's a pretty good therapeutic device.
And you'll feel good when you look good.
Anyway, that's a side issue.
And i need a job.
Any lobangs?
Juz realised the extent of my financial handicap.
No $ to finance a trip to Tibet.
So gotta look to my parents,
Who duly said NO.
And yesh, Saturday Night Fever.
Regardless of the bad vibes and reviews i heard,
I'll still catch it.
The tricky issue here is the company again.
Oh yah, the Film Festival.
Still a couple of films i wanna catch.
Too bad, they are not your taste, Edwin.
We could still watch the one on challenging Hollywood conservatism.
And i shall fill in the remaining time,
Which amounts to a lot by the way,
By chilling out, gossiping, crapping, bumming and 'appreciating the other gender'.
Now we are talking.
Anyone wanna hit the beach?

Ode to a friend

You were always there for me,
Strong and silent.
And i took you for granted.
Snubbed your company.
But you remained.
You didn't leave.
You offered me a place to rest my weary body.
You took me in your arms and sang lullabies.
You made me sleep like a baby.
You gave me dreams that were mysterious.
I didn't know how much i missed you,
Till i'm exhausted and jaded.
I can be who i am,
Faults and all,
When i'm with you.
You gave me strength to carry on,
In the face of adversity.
An unwavering pillar of support.
You were a beacon when i was lost in the storm.
You offered me a harbour when i had no one to turn to.
And i gave nothing back.
I didnt appreciate your presence.
I didnt send you gifts nor flowers.
I dont even know your birthday.
But you never once complained.
You never once grumbled nor envied.
You played the role,
Of a supportive friend,
Till the end.
And so i wrote,
This ode for you,
My bed.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Hmmm......
Took it out of Ranieri's private collections.
A good poem to draw strength from.
But it's only effective for me If i read it aloud.
Maybe it has something to do with the 'audio-linguistics' of the words.
And it has inspired me to go for a run.
As well as start studying for my TS paper on the 23th.
There's never too much time.
Which i've been using as an excuse for my indolent ennui.

Semiotics

What a lousy day!
A day where everything seems like a sign.
A sign that says: Look here pal, it's gonna be a bad day for you. So juz get on with things.
Sigh...
1st thing first,
Guess whatz my exam no. for my PS paper.
444
And i knew then.
Then while doing some last min revision in the car,
I look at the digital clockface,
And it read 4:44.
Now, as if all these are not enough,
I drew a link immediately upon reading the PS questions.
I need to answer three questions,
And i think i totally screwed up all of them.
Now, that one 4 for every question.
Die.
Dying.
Dead.
It's not over yet, my day.
More to come.
Went to watch Hellboy in town.
Chilled out at Cheers for a bit.
Then i saw her.
Arm in arm with Mr Boyfriend.
Had to call out her name 3 times to get her attention.
Every call of her name made my heart beat faster.
It was a heart-wrenching experience i tell you.
All i could offer was a forced smile.
And a nonchalant expression.
I think i should juz try to forget about her.
It's not about lack of determination.
Neither is it about me not liking her enough.
I think it's the best way out for me.
Coz there is no point.
She's bloody attached.
And i'm fucking sianz of seeing/hearing about her and her bf.
Does no good to my emotional health.
I need another gal in my life.
But hopefully not attached.
Fat hope i say.
Coz every gal that attracts me the slightest bit is already attached.
And it's damn demoralising.
Maybe it's coz they give out the "i'm attached" aura.
And i pick up these subliminal signals unconsciously.
And i'm a sucker for attached girls.
Am i?
Whatever it is, I think i should be more pro-active.
And i shall try to stop writing about her.
It's the least i could do.
Since my mind is absolutely out of my control.
As it resolutely defies my explicit orders.
I still have a chance to turn back.
With my dignity intact.
I'm not in too deep yet.
However, i'm sinking every minute.
Choose and you shall have.
Is it that simple?
I know myself too well.
Saying something in the solitude of the night,
And meaning it the next morning is totally two different matter.
Things and issues seem to take on a glow of clarity under the moonlight.
Yet hide from the honest glare of day.
Such is the nature of me.

I miss sitting by my bed,
With a cup of flavoured tea,
Reading a book.
Miss the sounds of a noisy house.
Miss the company of good friends.
But most of all,
I miss you.

And the above is copyrighted.
But being the kind and generous me,
I shall allow people to use it for a nominal sum of 10 bucks.
So timmy, before u even think about using it for someone(ahem),
Transfer 10 bucks to my account first.
Wrote it on my hp with its limited no of characters/alphabets,
During one of my lowest periods.
While in army no less.
However, it was intended for no one.
And it is still in my outbox, unsent.
But i'm still waiting for the day.
When i could send it to someone,
And really mean it.

Identity & Expectations
With my paper on wednesday,
And the fact that i'm not done with studying,
Coupled with 2 blog entries in a short space of a few hrs,
Shows that either i have given up on my socio paper,
Or that i have somehow discovered the questions that are gonna come out,
Or that i am overly optimistic,
Or that i have certain pressing issues to articulate.
It is very much the latter.
Juz had a conversation with X.
At a time when normal people should be sleeping and desperate students should be studying,
We juz chatted.
Mainly about relationships and identities and a little analysis of close friends.
What struck me during this discussion was not so much our similar opinions about r/s and the world in general.
Rather, it was the revelation that someone close had lost his identity.
Maybe the word 'Lost' is too strong and inappropriate.
'Altered' would be a better word.
The fact that he lost/altered his identity is not so much a concern.
What is of concern is that he lost/altered it without a struggle.
Somehow, during the course this discussion, i drew similarities with his situation and mine.
His was circumstantial (as stated by X), whereas mine was a result more of my hesitancy and unwillingness to act.
Or if you would like - my weakness.
Which brings me to the fact that i am so very stubborn.
Lost identity and Stubborness?
Pretty unrelated you say.
"No link lah!"
The paradox here lies in being stubborn and yet still losing one's identity.
The assumption is : If one is stubborn, then it is innate in him to refuse to yield easily.
True?
So if one is stubborn, then he wouldnt lose something which defines him, like identity, that easily.
Which is exactly what happened.
So how do we reconcile the two?
The previous post shows in a latent yet clear form the extent of my stubborness.
I refuse absolutely to pander to any diplomatic and politically-correct suggestions as answers.
If a topic or opinion or question is serious enough or close to my heart,
I would not, for one, discard my truthful opinion and give a false answer.
That is so not me.
At this age, i have pretty strong opinion about certain stuff.
And i can be wrong.
However, in any event that i lose in an argument, it doesnt mean my opinion is any more faulty.
It could mean that the opponent is a better debater.
The fact that i detailed out the highly possible repercussions of wanton indulgence,
Juz goes to show that i'm giving Her my perspective and analysis.
It doesnt mean that i've passed a judgement that indulgence in sinful stuff is not good or foolhardy.
Sometimes, when two stubborn people try to communicate,
It can feel like a war of attrition.
Where neither wins.
I juz realised that i've digressed quite a bit from the previous identity discussion.
However, whatever identity problem that my friend suffers from,
Is a challenge for his character,
And i have no god-given right to impose my opinion.
Coz in the end, whatever articulation i offer here is not gonna change anything.
Neither is my opinion absolutely right.
It all lies in making a distinction and hopefully drawing a balance.
Back to my stubborness.
The thing is, as an inevitable product of our educational system and political culture,
I grew up to be a rational creature on any issues not pertaining to matters of the heart.
Or sex.
True, it is granted that sometimes gals juz want someone to complain to,
And not someone to comment.
But i find it extremely difficult not to opine when there's obvious irrationality and illogicality involved.
It is also granted that human minds are very capricious and uncontrollable 'entities'.
But there is a limit to everything.
I can give in to you if you are unreasonable once.
It is so easy for me to juz say something sweet or nice,
And have a cordial conversation going on.
But i would very much rather have my say.
Women do buy words easily.
I want to qualify - positive words at that.
But i feel that compliments should not be given too easily or when unwarranted.
If so, words lose their meanings.
For a person like me, it would mean losing my individuality.
It is sad when words, spoken or written, lose their meanings.
It is sad too, when a person loses his/her identity.
What is inherently important is not what is said,
But what is left unsaid.
With communication, there is bound to be mis-communication.
I do admit that i am sometimes a pain in the ass.
Sometimes, i do and say all the wrong things.
But other times, i'm sensitive and diplomatic.
The thing is, if you are not close to me,
It is highly unlikely that i will offer you my criticisms.
Out of 10 guys you know,
I'll be the one who'll always offer my true opinion.
Out of 10 guys you know,
I'll always be ready with a few stuff to suan you about.
There is no point in fashioning myself upon the other 9 guys you know,
I'll much rather be myself and relate myself to you the way i do and know how.
That way, you'll know me for who i am and how different an individual i am.
I await the day.
When you realise that i am who i am.
And there's no changing that.
And you might also realise, as an added bonus,
That my suannings is my way of articulating my opinion, albeit indirectly.
That i will always be around if you need me.
Are methods more important than intentions?
We cant have the best of both worlds all the time.
And i'm not perfect.
Sometimes our expectation of others is the reason why there is a breakdown in communication, or method, or intentions.
If one expects me to say something pleasing,
Then when i dont,
Which is usually the case,
The end result is disappointment.
Rather than treat the symptoms,
I would think the root problem is of Expectations.
And it would have to be altered.
If not, more disappointments would inevitably follow.

The idiosyncrasy of being Female

Female: I'm getting fatter. How? Been eating all the wonderful food non-stop.
Me: Hmm.... (thinking quickly if i should be straightforward or pander to her indulgence)
Female: And i'm stressed. And people keep treating me to meals. It wouldnt be nice to reject all of them. So i ended up eating and eating.
Me: Well...(decided that i should voice my opinion)
Female : Well what?
Me: It's ok lah. Do what you like. It's juz that at the end of the day, you juz gotta spend a few more Ks on slimming.
Female: Why you keep suanning me one!? Can you not be so sacastic!? Cant you say something good!? Especially after i've been so stressed the whole day!
Me: Sigh...... (thinking:we have a miscommunication here)
Female: Now what!?
Me: Alright. The prob here is that you complain of gaining weight everytime. And everytime you cite the reason of eating without control, good food not withstanding. So what do you expect me to say!? If you want to hear only good stuff, even if it's about your weight gains, sorry, i'm not the one you should call. And i'm not being sarcastic. I'm juz stating the truth, and what i feel. If your indulgence in good food goes unchecked, then you'll despair more and whine more and eventually spend more on slimming. So!?
Female: (silent treatment)
Male: The thing is, i cant tell you to go ahead and enjoy yourself, and your food. You should know yourself. You are the kind of gal who puts on weight easily. And you dont lose them juz as easily. Why let a moment of indulgence cause periods of despair and efforts in slimming? Isnt that unnecessary and a waste of time? And i'm not the kind of person who tells you fibs to get into your good books. That's not my style. There may be other guys who readily compliments you and lavish praises upon you. The relationship we have goes beyond that. If you deserve the compliment, i'll give it to you with due regards and respect and in due course. However, if something is wrong with your opinions or actions, i wont hesitate to criticise. Neither would i hesitate to justify why.
Female: I feel like sleeping now. Talk again some other day.
Me: Goodbye.

So what do we have here? My intentions may be good but my execution wrong? Or maybe it's juz PMS? I do have to admit, my tone used for the 'spend a few more Ks on slimming' part borders on sarcasm. But it's the plain truth. Maybe she's not pissed with my justifications, but rather my method/execution. Sigh... Think i'm losing touch on how to communicate effectively with the female gender. Think i've lost the virtue of sensitivity. Maybe it's the exam stress that's making me mean and irritable. Or maybe it's the countless of times i've heard the "How? I'm getting fat!" remark. And i think i've used up all possible replies to these kind of rhetorical questions. And at the end of it all, good intentions or not, i have an angry woman to pacify. Now that's the start of my troubles. Added on to the stress of exams. So a lesson learnt tonight: When faced with the weight issue, it's best to keep your opinions to yourself. Afterall, they(females) juz want sympathy and a listening ear. And for all their incessant whinings, they are still beautiful creatures. So appreciate them for what they are, their faults and all. Afterall, it's these very innate and exclusive faults that make them the women they are.

Now that last bit would win all the female readers back onto my side. The guys? We've always been on the same side. *Grinz*

I will survive

Barely surviving.
With a sunburnt face.
And time ticking away.
Loads of things to revise.
And late nights spent revising.
Been watching a lot of soccer lately.
Played football today morning.
Slept the whole afternoon away.
Somehow, when there is a pressing need to study,
I can easily find 10 million things tt i wouldnt normally do,
And start having an urge to get them out of the way.
Like how i suddenly decided to clip my nails last night in the midst of studying.
Wednesday is the day of reckoning.
Juz got a few messages wishing me good luck and all the best.
They might not sound much,
But i really appreciated them.
Right now waiting for G and X to reach my house.
Taking the time interval for them to arrive as an excuse to put off studying.
This is so typical of me, isnt it!?
Anyway, i was watching a bit of the NKF show juz now.
And i am damn pissed at this show.
Once is a novelty, twice is still acceptable, thrice and the originality is lost.
But the bloody programme refuses to go away.
Bloody persistent in milking every drop of sympathy from Singaporeans who cant differentiate between helping the needy and donating to win a car or condo or cash.
The word Charity is not meant this way.
Besides, the bloody actors and actress are really good in their profession.
Even in charity fund-raising shows, they never fail to make good their god-given talents of acting.
Damn!
And the reason why they are on the show 'lending a helping hand' is not coz they really feel charitable nor are they compassionate or sympathetic about people's plights.
But rather, coz going on the show showed one's popularity as well as enhance that popularity.
This popularity can be seen from the amount of donations during one's stunts.
The more money pouring in means that the stunt had elicited more support.
This show is not about the bloody 'sacrifices' that the actors endured.
But rather about the pain that patients had to undergo.
We cannot really ever say that we understand their pain till we are in their positions.
So F**k those bloody hypocrite of an actor/actress who say they understand their pain.
NKF has got hundred of millions in reserve.
Now what does that say about the success of these so-called fund-raising shows?
For one, we wouldnt know how much of the money they collected would be used to really help needy patients.
Judging from the opulent amount in their reserves, it really makes me wonder whether NKF is a business organisation or a charity organisation!?
Besides, there are so many more charity organisation out there.
It juz doesnt make sense for one to be maintaining a monopoly over the contributions.
How about orphans?
How about people who cant pay their medical bills?
It is not all about patients with kidney failures.
And it pisses me off the way the show went about mis-informing the world that "all we need to do to show we have a compassionate heart is to donate generously."
And that " the kidney patients really need our help."
This show taps into the Singaporean psyche of donating for the sake of donating.
To make up for all the previous times where we didnt make a contribution.
To be able to sleep better at night.
To get a chance of winning that condo we've been dreaming of.
Afterall, good deeds pay off.
And in this case, we are in fact having a latent expectation for rewards for an act of charity.
If so, is it considered charity?
For Charity means something along the line of self-lessness and altriuism.
For what we give, we do not expect a reward in any sense.
Lastly, i'm still very pissed.
Why?
Coz i juz heard the hosts urging for more donations as the show approaches its end.
Why?
Coz the donations of hundreds of thousands is not enough.
Coz previous high standards of millions raised has been set.
So today's show will be deemed a failure.
Sigh...
What has happened to our society?
Does it matter if it's hundreds of thousands or millions?
The question one should ask right now is, if NKF is not a business organisation, then why does it bother so much about how much is raised!?
Remember, they have hundreds of millions in reserve.
It would take a freaking long time for these millions to dry up, assuming that all these millions are really used to help the kidney patients.
So whatz the big deal?
Bloody TCS actors!
It's not how much the show generated, but rather how the money is used.
Call me cynical.
Call me dis-illusioned.
But i seriously doubt that tonite's 'takings' would be used to alleviate the sufferings of kidney patients.
I even doubt, other than buying a few more costly machines for kidney-cleansing, what other intangible stuff has NKF done for the patients.
Caring for suffering and unfortunate people does not equate to splashing out on machines or other equipments.
No doubt, these machines are vital and expensive and not all could afford to pay the medical bills with such frequency.
However, my point is, other than the monetary side of the equation, is there a human side?
What about all those intangible stuff like caring for another with love and tenderness?
It's not all about $ all the time.
But sadly, life in Singapore, the place i call home, revolves around Money.
It permeates into every farbic of society.
It's in the eyes.
In the voice.
In the mind.
And being a part of this culture, how can i save myself?
How can i remain sane?
Do i deviate or succumb?
Do i forsake my idealism and put on the cloak of self-gratification?
Or even if i chose not to give it up, how can i say with certainty that the forces/pressures of society would not slowly but surely take grip of me?
IF i choose not to give it up, then how many more like-minded people can i find?
How many of my friends would ridicule and deride me for being not practical or idealistic?
"Wake up! This is the real world. Stop living in your dreams."
"See it in its ugliness and all its glory."

Football and its lessons

What a marvellous two nights of Champions League football.
I'm so glad i caught every min of it.
Even tho i only had 7 hrs of sleep for 2 days.
Totally worth it.
It reminds me of why i had become so passionate about football in the first place.
Nothing beats the feeling of playing a good soccer game.
Or watching one for that matter.
Other than adrenalin or euphoria,
There were some lessons that we ought to recognise and learn.
1st, from the chelsea game.
Ranieri cried when chel scored their second goal as well as during the final whistle.
We are never too old to cry.
Guys are incessantly indoctrinated from young that crying is a sign of weakness and effeminateness.
Gals quickly learnt that tears are their best weapon against guys.
It has multi-purposes.
Can be used to get any material thing they want.
Can be used to get someone to forgive them.
Can be used to make others guilty.
Can be used to show they are sensitive.
Can be used to elicit concerns/sympathy for them.
Can be used to shift the blame onto the victim.
Etc...
Actually the 1st lesson is not abt crying.
It's juz that i feel that crying is a sign that one is comfortable with oneself.
Comfortable enought to let go, even if there are people watching.
It is not a sign of weakness.
Well, i felt for Ranieri and sincerely think he deserved that win over Arse.
Let's get down to the lesson proper.
It's about gritting your teeth and focussing on the immediate when things/pressures swarm from all sides.
Relentless and Unforgiving.
It's about inner strength.
Ranieri certainly had that.
And that inner strength was exemplified by his players as well.
It showed in their dedication, their tenacity, their never-say-die spirit and their willingness to sacrifice for the team.
It's about leadership.
There's no need to be loud and boisterous and authoritative about things.
Calmness and inner strength is all that is needed.
2nd lesson, derived from the Real game.
It's about desire and who wants it more.
Monaco's desire and hunger were there clearly for people to see.
Whereas Real degenerated from a star-studded team to individuals trying to win the game by themselves.
Sometimes, we cant do everything by ourselves.
A team can accomplish more than a single person could.
It'll be better if the team has a shared goal and objective.
That way, everyone is working to achieve the one same goal.
3rd lesson, from the Milan game.
Complacency can get a giant onto his knees.
Complacency can whittle down whatever advantage one has.
Before they knew it, it was all over.
3-0 down at half-time.
Milan havent even had the chance to correct their complacency.
It would fatally wrong to say that Milan lost the game.
Rather, it was Deportivo who had won it.
Again, with their desire and tenacity and some brillant football.
When i looked back and contemplated,
I realised that at times i exhibited the aspects i had discussed above.
Positive and Negative.
I realised too, that nothing is impossible.
If i told people that Milan and Real would not qualify for the semis, i would be branded crazy and stoopid.
Somewhere, along that line, the crazy and impossible happened.
And it was the inner strength, the desire and tenacity that gave the world 2 glorious nights of football.
David beating Goliath.
The stuff of dreams.

Irreducibly real

Damn!
I can feel it.
This is gonna be one of those nights.
Nights where i got an assignment due the next day.
And no mood to do them.
Think i juz gotta let time tick away, then i'll start.
Thought i could juz push everything out of my mind and juz get down to studying and mugging.
Like i said, it's juz a thought.
Hope tomolo's production proceeds smoothly.
The feeling from juz now has persisted.
Refuses to leave me.
Even with the threat of speeding down the highway at 140km/h.
Cajoling it with sweet promises and music didnt help either.
So now back home after a nite drive, feeling the same as i had left.
Maybe it might go away if i let it gain permanence in the form of this post.
Irreducibly real.
Maybe it might leave if i ignore it.
Juz like how spoilt brats crying for attention ought to be ignored.
Maybe it might pack up and go if i immerse myself in work.
Some stories are short.
Some are freaking long.
The length actually doesnt matter.
What matters is whether we know how they end.
And after knowing how a story would end, let it be.
Let it end the way it is supposed to.
"Supposed to"
Very subjective i would say.
Short stories can be beautiful as well.
The pace of the progress and the abrupt ending is what gives them their merit.
In the chapters of our lives, countless stories are constantly being written and ended.
With the end of one story, another begins.
Cyclical.
People, esp gals, seems to be always on the look-out for romantic stories.
I tend to think romance is juz a state of mind.
Nothing concrete.
Nothing tangible.
And elusive.
Sigh...
I have absolutely where i'm headed on this post.
Juz as i have no idea how some stories will end.
Think i shall start.
On my work.
That's begging me.

Coincidence

Isnt Life juz a big coincidence?
Or is juz Singapore way too small.
Had a pretty good rehearsal today.
Went for makan after the rehearsal.
Chatted with J and C and bf.
Therein lies the coincidence.
While J and C were having their girlie gossips, i heard this distinct name being mentioned.
"Dont tell me we know the same J!"
Yesh.
The very fact is, they know her.
The very same one.
And i re-told the very sad story.
It didnt hit me till i was driving back, alone.
The music didnt help.
Neither did the rush of wind.
I need to get it out of my system now.
Coz i've got a portfolio to finish up tonight.
It's always when we least expect something, that that s/th choose to announce their grand entrance.
Right now, i have so many things i wanna say.
So many emotions i wanna convey.
So many thoughts i wanna manifest.
But...
I think i need a bath.
To refresh myself.
It's such a blur now.

Time, Willy, Time.

The reason why i havent been updating my blog with the usual frequency is not coz i'm mugging away.
It's not coz i lack inspiration.
It's not coz i'm sleep all the time.
It's not coz my com was spoilt.
It was, i'm ashamed to say, my current obsession with CM.
A bloody game has cost me days of work and reading and work-outs.
But it was fun all the same.
Even though it was damn time-consuming.
My mum and dad had a harrowing time trying to lure me away from the screen.
For meals.
For a chat.
To read the newspapers.
It's like an addiction.
Smokers and drinkers would know how it feels.
Not that i suffer from withdrawal symptoms or something of that magnitude.
Rather, i juz cant help it.
Blame my lack of discipline if you will.
There are certain days where one has absolutely no desire nor urge to do anything.
I've been experiencing lots of those days.
Somehow I feel that this sense of ennui is excerbated by the idea of having a time-consuming game to while away time.
Not that i really waste every single drop of time.
I do read during short intervals of game-updating time.
And i covered the whole of this webbie today.
http://www.aldaily.com/
Lots of interesting reads.
Highly recommended by me.
Managed to find time also to check out clips about Billy Joel's We didn't start the fire
http://www.its.caltech.edu/~yel/Fire.html
A must for people wishing to gain an insight into history.
Anyways, the jerky lines and thoughts are due to me playing and trying to blog at the same time.
Some things never change, do they?
*I see a lot of disapproving shakes of the head from you people*
Anyways, i keep reassuring myself that i still have time.
Even though exams is like juz 10 short days away.
The fact is, i do have time.
10 days for 2 papers is more than adequate.
The problem lies in me using this fact to back up my incessant game-playing.
Also to prevent guilt from seeping in.
Ah...
But for all my guilt-prevention reassurances, guilt has indeed seeped in.
It has begun.
I've sort of made a pledge, to myself, that starting Monday, it'll be a week of mugging and more mugging.
In a bid to finish this sem with a flourish.
The thing about studying is, once one starts, the momentum tends to build itself.
No need for motivational books or inspirational speeches or well-meant scoldings.
I hope that is still the case when i start tomorrow.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
Think i betta note down all the exisiting assignments and exam dates.
Can serve a a reminder.
Theatre Practical Exam: 7th (submission of directorial portfolio)
Music composition and essay assignment: 10th
Sociology and Political Sci exams: 14th & 15th
Theatre theory exam:23th

I choose to be Naughty

Oh yesh!
I've been a naughty boy today.
As those who have been irritated by me would attest.
I'm not apologetic.
So please spank me.
Think i'm cranky from my apparent lack of sleep.
With my incessant yawnings and fluffy eye-bags.
Sigh.
CM and cable tv is soo gonna be the death of me.
The bane of my life.
Actually it's juz me lah.
My usual lack of discipline has gained the upper hand again.
Which resulted in the worst CA result this sem.
Failed the bloody german test.
Maybe J is at fault too.
Coz we were both chatting happily when we really should be studying for the test next day.
Anyways, i feel that it was worth it.
Academic results to me are juz... academic.
It's pretty hard to understand my rationale.
Maybe it stems from me having things too easy throughout my life.
Didnt study for PLSE, still got decent results.
Didnt study for O's, still made it to AJ.
Never study for A's, still made it to NUS.
Always do my essays and assignments last min, still got mostly As.
Always study for tests half-heartedly, still passed most of them.
In a sense, this academic indolence reflects my character.
Want things to be prefect and sunny always, yet refuses to put in the adequate effort to realise them.
It's easy to be critical of oneself.
I call it self-deprecation.
I see my flaws, but i dont do anything about them.
I know what is to be done, but i never get down to doing it.
I know what i want, but i dont pursue them with all my heart.
Maybe that's why my love-life is in a mess.
However, this is one area which i have a steely resolve to make right.
So many wrongs wont auto-correct overnight.
Neither would hoping for Time to lend a helping hand ameliorate anything.
I made a decision a few postings ago.
I've stuck to that promise so far.
Hope my sentimental side wont get the better of my discerning side.
It remains to be seen.
"What good does it profit a man if he gained the whole world, and loses his soul in the process."
I've always loved and believed in this line.
Even though a Christian i am not.
For it transcends religion and race and creed.
It's not how high you climb, it's how you get there that matters.
I said this to my CO during an interview for the best trainee award in ASLC.
It was an obvious jibe at him, thus his shifty eyes when i mentioned it.
Suffice to say, i didnt get the award.
Coz nowadays, Ethics wont get you anywhere.
Especially in the military.
That's why it's ranked right at the end of the spectrum.
When the guys shout out the Loyalty to country, leadership, discipline blah blah nonsense,
Ethics is among the last to be shouted.
No doubt, Ethics is desired.
However, it is neither pressing nor essential.
It cant feed anyone, nor can it clothe anyone.
Why then is there a need for humans to have a moral conscience?
Having a moral compass doesnt always mean we do the right and moral things.
If we get an opportunity for unscrupulous material gain and we know that no one would find out,
There's a high chance(say 90%) that most of us would cheat.
So what then is left of the word Ethics?
What then is left for our redemption?
What then, i say, is left that is of worth?
Obviously, i'm an unapologetic romantic or a sentimental fool if you so wish to term me.
But my idea of romanticism or idealism does not border on being Quixotic,
Rather i border on the fine line between Practicality and the Idealistic.
So many times, i cross from one side to the other, juz to realise that i could have chose differently.
It's all about choices.
When a wrong choice has been made in hindsight, do not lament.
Do not regret.
Do not say: I should have...
Do not wallow in self-pity.(a little is ok)
Instead,
Choose again.
Have the inner strength and moral courage to choose again.
Choose.
Decide.
People who say they dont have a choice are being silly.
They come to this conclusion coz they dont choose to see the choices.
They choose to ignore the lesser alternatives.
They choose to escape the burden of the lesser alternatives.
So to all those who have unabsolved regrets, unrequited loves and vindictive longings,
Here's something to soothe your restless soul.

To see a world in a grain of sand,
To see heaven in a wild flower,
To hold infinity in your palm,
And eternity in an hour.
William Blake