NIGHT

Somewhere down the road,
I pondered.
You wondered.
Whether this is all right?
In a twinkle of starlight,
We've shared so much.
Under the lucent beams,
We laughed and cried.
The passion with which I once wrote,
Furiously,
Relentlessly,
Has come to pass.
Nothing really matters anymore,
Except you.
Except that you cant see it.
Inspiration deserts me.
Determination I never have.
Which leaves me with only Hope, Faith and Love.
They are my subsistence,
My existence,
My reality.
I cannot hope to recreate my past,
And I do not want to either.
All I want is to have a Present shared only by us,
Memories that matter only to us.
Cant you see?
I pine, I burn, I perish.
In your fire.
In our flames.
A smile from you really brightens up my day.
Your cheerfulness rubs off me.
I act silly along with you.
I'll go wherever you wanna go.
I'll do whatever you wanna do.
I'll sing whatever you wanna sing.
A tune.
A melody.
Of sweet sadness.
For you cannot be happy all the time.
And the inverse is true.
I'll feel blue when you are sad.
I'll pout when you pout.
I'll sulk when you sulk.
For we are intertwined,
Emotionally.
"Forever and a day!"
I subscribe to this maxim as well.
A day can last forever.
Forever can be over in a day.
Angles angles...
Sweet slumber seduces me.
Sweet angelic face of yours beckons.
Peace descends like turtledoves on window sills.
And all I see are ruffled hair,
A heaving bosom,
Arched body,
And a slight smile,
Of one being contended with her lot in life.
I see a mirror of myself,
In you.
Sweet dreams.

Fourteen Days

On the first day - Pebbles
On the second day - Photos

Essential Brew

It's been a long long time since I last worked.
And today is my 1st day working at Essential Brew.
And I'm totally tired out.
I concede that it was quite a good experience,
But I sincerely doubt I can work like 3 day a week.
And I didnt expect Kevin and his gf to drop by,
And splurge on food and drinks the way he did,
Considering his food poisoning scare juz yesterday.
For people who might take a kick out of me serving them,
You can try your luck by visiting Essential Brew,
However,
I'm not inclined to give out my schedule.
Totally super duper slack with regards to school work man.
When will I buck up?
Tough question.
Simple answer.
But I dont have the strength to inquire further.
Shall juz leave it as that.
A question that needs an answer,
When it already knows,
But refuses to acknowledge.

After what seems an extended ennui

I guess my posts are getting far and few nowadays.
I wonder where all my initial fervour about blogging has gone.
I dont feel excited about detailing every significant event,
That has happened to me anymore.
They dont seem consequential anymore.
A lot of things dont seem consequential anymore.
More of water off a duck's back.
And I dont know why.
Maybe it's coz I dont bother to think about them.
Sometimes I'm bewildered,
By the inconsistencies that I exhibit.
I seem to be juz drifting.
Juz waiting.
For what exactly,
I have no idea.
'ennui'
That seems to be a perfect fit on how I'm feeling right now.
Languishing at home on a Monday afternoon,
With nothing to do,
Or look forward to.
On a side note,
I'm finally moving into hall.
After weeks of procrastination,
I've finally gotten my gears moving,
And packed up all my stuff.
Suffice to say,
I'm still procrastinating on the actual deal of moving them into my room,
And setting the whole place up,
So it will be fit for living in.
Maybe a change of enviroment might be a catalyst,
To snuff out the indolence in me.
Maybe.
Juz a little maybe.

A Decade

It's been 10 years.
10 long years.
10 short years.
10 years of friendship.
10 years of soccer.
10 years of growing up.
10 years of changes.
10 years of continuity.
I look forward to many more to come.
More soccer to be played.
More football to be watched.
More fantasy leagues to be discussed.
More crap to be exchanged.
More profanities to be hurled.
More kopi sessions.
More bonding.
More laughters.
More tears.
More fustrations.
More self-pitying.

A soft sigh left my lips as I typed.
Heavy is my heart.
Despite all the smiles and laughters during dinner,
The tug at the bottom of my heart remains taut and unyielding.
To understand someone is really difficult.
Sometimes,
We don't bother to even make an effort to get past all the superficialities.
However,
To really know someone,
Presumes that the someone is willing to be known by you.
1 year on,
And I'm still second-guessing,
Even though my instincts are usually spot on.
I can read the signs,
But that's not good enough.
1 year on,
And I need to pre-empt.
I dont run away from the 1st sign of trouble.
I'm a fighter.
Yet,
Sometimes,
I dont even know what exactly I'm fighting against.
I do know why I'm fighting;
For someone so important to me.
However,
Tenacity cannot last forever,
For fatigue will creep in,
For doubts will germinate,
In time to come,
And in these seeds of doubt,
Will grow an unwieldly forest of vacuums,
Chasms of emptiness,
Where nothing resides,
Where nothing is linked,
Where two hearts reach out in vain,
Trying to connect,
And feeling only gulfs of insurmountable space.
To choose;
To be or not to be?
I dont know anymore.
Every skepticism makes me doubt,
Every pessimism dilutes my beliefs,
Every act of surrender,
Of giving up,
Hurts me more,
And weakens my resolve.
Can I take 1 more blow?
I do not know.
All I know is that I'm a fighter.
But even the best fighter loses sometimes.
I cannot fight alone.
For unity is strength.
As long as one does not give up,
There is still a chance,
However slight it may be.

Ages

It's been ages since I last blogged.
Yeah.
What's new?
The last 20 days have been a blur.
Arts camp was one reason.
The other was coz I've been bumming around too bloody much.
I think about what I do with my hols,
And what others do with theirs,
And I duly noted the differences in attitude.
Granted,
There was no financial need for me to look for a job.
And I felt no shame in bugging my mum for my monthly allowances.
Sigh...
My account's empty at the end of every single month,
And I'm freaking 23 soon.
Talk about being a failure.
It's easy to slam oneself.
It's easy to overlook one's own flaws.
It's ironic I guess.
I'm terrible with finances.
Not a good omen.
I'm terrible with discipline.
Not a good sign either.
I'm juz plain lucky.
Juz plain lucky.
Sometimes I wonder when my luck will run its course.
Maybe that's when I'll finally realise,
Realise that my life should be charted by myself,
My own hard work and toil,
Not shaped by luck or its accomplice.
Someday.
Maybe someday.
Why not today?
Since I realise the problem now,
Why dont I do anything about it?
That is precisely my point.
Sigh...
Think that is enough self-deprecation for one night.

Solitary dinner

Juz came back from the hospital.
Grandad juz had an operation.
Lung cancer I think.
There he was,
In ICU,
Looking frail and delicate.
Long gone was the robustness and dexterity.
At least he seems better now.
I had often thought long and hard,
On sleepless nights,
About Death.
My death.
My loved ones' deaths.
It seems to be a taboo topic,
Yet in my mind,
It is anything but.
Sometimes,
One juz cant control what s/he thinks.
The more I try to get some random thought out of my mind,
The more it flits about and bothers me.
This is exactly what happens when I latch onto the topic of Death,
Unknowingly.
I honestly think that I'm not ready to accept Death's reality.
And I dread,
So dread,
Its imminent stealth.

On my drive back home,
I saw all those little close brushes with death,
That is so inherent in my driving.
Thus I slowed down and placed BOTH hands on the steering.
In flashes,
The oncoming glares,
Made my eyes crinkle,
Made my mind skip,
Skip,
And I sort-of saw the mortality of it all.
Suspended by a spider-thread,
Broken by Nature's winds,
Rains,
Elements,
The occasional intrusions,
Of inevitability.

I had fed my grandad his dinner.
Spoonful by spoonful,
I fed him bland porridge.
Out of the corner of my eyes,
I saw an unattended unintended tear,
Quietly gathering mass,
At the corner of his right eye.
I thought I saw,
In a split second,
As he glanced at me,
A glistening gaze.
I was struck by a wave of endearment.
I had touched him,
As much as he had moved me.
In this little gesture,
It seems to me,
That the wheel had almost turned one full circle.
He talked about us,
His grand-children,
In tones of pride and passion.
He talked about his own children,
And their toil and labour,
Like closed chapters.
And I saw,
Briefly,
How he had lived,
His moments through space and time,
And how he has lived.
I saw him,
A wary and expectant immigrant,
Making his way across the unknown,
Crammed together with other wary and expectant fellows.
I saw too,
Through his words,
The harsh conditions during the Occupation.
I saw a lot,
But i couldnt feel.
I couldnt re-create an expereince that is not mine.
And that is what I feel is lost.
A whole volume of experiences,
Lost in the inadequacy of words.

I reached home,
And had a solitary dinner.
I could have asked friends out for dinner.
I didnt.
Somehow,
I juz feel that in company,
If emotional state of minds arent in tandem,
Then we are all alone,
Where a wind-swept street,
Is warmer,
Than a crowded party.
I had chosen to embrace this solitude,
This state of mind,
This rosy melancholy.
And tonight I'll pray,
For all my loved ones,
Close and far,
Known and unknown,
That they can look up in the sky,
And see a solitary star shining,
With all its might,
And they be wrapped in bliss and peace.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Watch the sneaks today.
I was highly disappointed.
I had so loved the book.
Read the entire 5 volumes four times.
And my interest remains unabated.
Yet,
What I watched today,
Can be considered a travesty of the original version.
Douglas would definitely be turning in his grave.
No doubt Douglas had a hand in initiating the movie,
And its screenplay,
But he couldnt live to see it completed.

Warning!!! Spoilers ahead!!!

For all the cutesy animations,
It seems too 70s to me,
And comes across to me as a very low-budget and slipshod film.
Instead of a wacky, original, creative and comedic version,
As the book undoubtedly is,
This movie makes romance its main theme.
Soapy romance at that.
Goodness gracious...
Trillian and Authur werent even a couple in the book,
Though there was a slight hint of romance,
As well as a bratty and confused 'daughter'.
Even Marvin,
One of my fav. characters,
Looked like those kinda toys that they sell in comic shops,
That goes 'nodding' and 'nodding'.
Oh,
And by the way,
Zaphod's twin heads became stuck on one another,
Rather than side by side.
Even Ford,
Played by a black,
Lacked authenticity,
Who seems to use and exhibit his towel ever so often,
That I cant help feeling the towel represents a not-so-clever subterfuge,
Which I presume is supposed to hide the deficient fleshing of characters.
The biggest problem of this movie,
Is its inability to portray genuine images of all the spacey gadgets and mish-mash,
Like the spaceships of course,
As well as the Vogons etc...
I simply can't imagine that the Heart of Gold,
Appears as a teapot in the movie.
There is worse to come,
When the ship engages its improbability drive,
It appears as different kinds of fruits and flowers.
Talk about creativity and originality.
PUI!!!
I could do better,
Anytime.
After so much criticism,
I have reached the moral of the story -
That is,
Imagination is one of man's most powerful tools.
That is the difference between a normal bestseller,
And a brillantly thought and executed book.
And that is also the reason,
Why old-fashion books will still endure,
The relentless assault of the Internet and its e-books,
Or crap movie versions.
Such a disappointment.
I had waited so long for it.
Oh,
Last of all,
The babelfish,
Which spawned so many translation sites and meanings,
Looked like a deformed goldfish.
God knows what they did to a perfectly normal goldfish to create that.
Sigh...

I Wonder Why

He who binds to himself
A joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
He who kisses the joy
As it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise. Blake

It's been many many days
Since I had any such wonderings
Of consequence.
(To me at least)
I wondered last night,
As I dished out this verse to T,
Whether I really believed in it,
Or is it just a romantic notion,
Or is it just the beauty in sequencing of words.
I'm still a walking contradiction as the dawn breaks.
I cant decide.
Now,
I just realised,
That the reason why i cant make up my mind,
Why I cant comprehend,
The meaning of this verse to me,
Is simply because,
I've twisted it to suit me.
All this while,
I've interpreted it in my fashion;
That is,
"joy" as 'love interest',
Which was as it applied to T.
So when i currently see the verse for what it is,
In its originality,
I see its meaning,
And subsequently,
Its beauty.

I was wondering also,
As i was brushing my teeth just,
About this insect,
Motionless on my bathroom mirror.
It was inert and impassive.
Which was what I prescribed,
And perceive it to be.
Maybe it was afraid,
Or just hoping I wont notice.
Anyway,
I wondered about why,
Why this insect is here,
What is its purpose?
I mean,
It's not a spectacular insect,
It doesnt have many colours;
It's just common,
With 6 thin spindly legs,
And a boring grey body.
So what is its function?
I'm inclined to think,
That everyone serves a purpose in the grand scheme of life,
Or else,
Why would we even exist?
(Who's purpose?)
*I'm not talking God, His creation, and religion here*
I wondered if I'm being too presumptuous here.
Can I just wonder about its existence,
And its place in the whole scheme of things?
I mean,
I dont even know my place and my existence!!!
And i'm assuming details about it,
When i dont even know it,
When i dont even know what it does,
What it eats.
Maybe it knows its purpose in life.
Maybe it knows why it is here for.
I was assuming it doesnt know,
Because I'm the one who's fretful about such stuff.
Suddenly,
It dawned upon me,
That I (or we) tend to lapse into such assumptions and perception,
When we are clueless about stuff,
So we imbue upon them,
Our own understanding and view,
Which might be false to a fault.

A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.
Blake

Doors of Perception

We live together,
We act on,
And react to,
One another;
But always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves.
The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena;
They are crucified alone.
Embraced,
The lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence;
In vain.
By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude.
Sensations,
Feelings,
Insights,
Fancies - all these are private and,
Except through symbols and at second hand,
Incommunicable.
We can pool information about experiences,
But never the experiences themselves.
From family to nation,
Every human group is a society of island universes.
Most island universes are sufficiently like one another to permit of inferential understanding
Or even of mutual empathy or "feeling into."
Thus,
Remembering our own bereavements and humiliations,
We can condole with others in analogous circumstances,
Can put ourselves in their places.
But in certain cases communication between universes is incomplete or even nonexistent.
The mind is its own place,
And the places inhabited by the insane
And the exceptionally gifted
Are so different from the places where ordinary men and women live,
That there is little or no common ground of memory
To serve as a basis for understanding or fellow feeling.
Words are uttered,
But fail to enlighten.
The things and events to which the symbols refer
Belong to mutually exclusive realms of experience.

Such a day

Through lenses, darkly.
Such idyll,
Such melancholy.
Feeling dispossessed,
Amidst such deep calm.
Feeling detached,
Despite being close by.
Pursuit of happiness:
The more you chase,
The more it eludes...
Sweet humming hides complex emotions,
In its cradle.
The passing cloud, motionless.
The passing wave, subsiding.
The passing time, subtle.
The passing love, bittersweet.
Bittersweet symphony.
The filtered sun, weak.
The distant two, galaxy apart.
Etched in each other's hearts,
A love that refuses to conquer.
Two sad souls,
Among happy faces...

My Word!!!

I have just witnessed the game of the season!!!
It was unbelievable!!!
No.
It wasnt from United.
Sigh...
How the mighty have fallen.
I simply have to give Arsenal credit where they deserved.
It was scintillating.
They freaking scored 7 brillant goals against Everton.
It's not like Everton is a Conference team.
Arsenal thrashed the 4th best team in England 7-0.
Goodness.
The football was brillant.
Bergkamp was brillant.
Henry had his usual magic boots on.
People who didnt know which club I support,
Would have probably think I'm an Arsenal fan.
I'm not.
I'm proud to be a Man Utd fan.
But this is not their season.
Looking back on this Arsenal display,
I have every reason to fear the worst for the FA Cup final.
Ah well...
The game tonight simply reminds me the beauty of football.

P.S. Lucky Pires scored 2 goals. He's my captain!!!

A Recap

I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.

Cant we try

I See Your Face Cloud Over Like A Little Girl's,
And Your Eyes Have Lost Their Shine.
You Whisper Something Softly I'm Not Meant To Hear, Baby,
Tell Me What's On Your Mind.
I Don't Care What People Say About The Two Of Us From Different Worlds.
I Love You So Much That It Hurts Inside,
Are You Listening?
Please Listen To Me, Girl.

Can't We Try Just A Little Bit Harder?
Can't We Give Just A Little Bit More?
Can't We Try To Understand That It's Love We're Fighting For?
Can't We Try Just A Little More Passion?
Can't We Try Just A Little Less Pride?
I Love You So Much Baby,
That It Tears Me Up Inside.

I Hear You On The Telephone With God-knows-who,
Spilling Out Your Heart For Free.
Everyone Needs Someone They Can Talk To, Girl,
That Someone Should Be Me.

So Many Times, I Tried To Tell You,
You Just Turned Away.
How Did I Know?
My Life Is Changing So Fast Now,
Leaves Me Lonely And Afraid.

Don't Be Afraid, No.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
I Need You More And More Each Day.
Don't Let Our Love Fade Away.
No Matter What People Say.
No Matter, No Matter What They Say.
Can't We Try, Baby, Can't We Give A Little Bit, Little Bit...

Dan Hill

Man Utd 4 Arse 2

Nuff said.
Now for Chelsea,
And that gloating face of Mourinho,
And all smug Chelsea fans out there.

Renewed and Rejuvenated

I cant believe i took 4 hours reading,
All those blogs that i havent been reading,
For the past 1 month or so.
So it's not only me not blogging,
I dont even have the urge to read.
To read about people's lives,
Dreams,
Preceptions,
And thoughts.
All these people who have crossed my life,
In one way or another,
With this one stroke of inaction,
Have i rendered them insignificant?
At least for a while?
Being too caught up in my own little universe,
Where everything revolves around me,
Where i create anything that i dont hold,
Recreate anything that i've lost,
Imagining and self-occupying.
I think all i wanted was some time to myself,
Do anything that caught my whim and fancy,
At any moment in time.
Actually,
The more perceptive ones would have immediately known,
That i had meant slacking,
And bumming around.
Talking about slack and bum,
I skipped an ENTIRE week of lectures.
Shiok man!!!
I havent attended a Social work or Chinese Politics lecture yet.
And next week is the 3rd week of school.
Ah well...
The life of a bummer.
But i shall endeavour,
With whatever little determination i have in me,
To start studying and reading and listening next week,
And of coz,
Going for lectures is a good start.
I think typing all these isnt really good publicity.
For one,
I think my sis reads this.
Which translates:
There's a chance that she might tell mum or dad,
And that would spell the end of a certain snake.
Anyway,
In my usual cannot-be-bothered manner,
I decided that i'll leave it all up to fate,
And any form of indiscretion on her part.

I NEED A HAIRCUT!!!!!
DESPERATELY!!!
To all those who have screamed and implored me to get a haircut,
I've relented.
Tomorrow i shall.

At the end of all these grey skies,
I'm glad it's bright and cheery again.
I have never stopped believing.
I will never stop believing.
For what is lost,
Can never be recovered,
In all its entirety.

Sadly lacking

Yes.
It's been ages.
Reason?
Too many insufficient ones.
Nowadays i blog only when i experience extreme emotional upheavals,
Thus the lack of activity.
I'm still alive,
Albeit barely.
Sigh...
I was looking out of the window juz now,
And I saw the branches swaying,
Leaves fliting,
And sunlight invigorating all that's alive.
I looked out a second time,
Minutes later,
And i see sorrowful rain,
Masking the amorous rays.
Suddenly,
The same invigorating sun seems sorrowful as well.
Tears for its unappreciated presence,
Nonchalance for its daily toil across the sky.
No one noticed it.
'Cept when it's a little too hot or too cold.
At that moment,
I understood one thing.
What is really important to one is seldom known,
Even to oneself,
But articulates with such glaring clarity,
When one loses it.
Such irony.
It pains me to note it.
Maybe that's what love is all about.
Such surrealism surrounding a pair of lovers,
That they cant grasp exactly,
What makes them love each other.
Yet when they become intertwined,
They expose all that are deficient in the other,
And pick on the faults and flaws,
Not knowing when to disengage,
And feel from a distance
And for a second,
What it truly means,
For one to say I Love You to the other.
We usually weep for our losses,
Coz most of the time,
We dont really treasure what we have;
What really matters to us.
I find it such a critical flaw in everyone,
So prevalent that it seems normal,
But i know deep down,
It's an anomaly.
For if we dont treasure what we have,
It's only a matter of time before we lose it.
Reflection from a mirror,
Made up by remnant rain puddles,
Showed up a man pregnant with sorrow,
And shattered when I step on it,
Crushing its revealing visage.
Shattered too is me,
Me that takes for granted more than being taken for granted by.
I muz remember to treasure each day,
Each fleeting moments,
For they dont get recreated,
Only destined to remain in the vestiges of memory.

You were always on my mind

Maybe I didnt treat you
Quite as good as I should have.
Maybe I didnt love you
Quite as often as I could have.
Little things I should have said and done,
I just never took the time...
You were always on my mind.
You were always on my mind.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasnt died.
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied.
Maybe I didnt hold you,
All those lonely, lonely times,
And I guess I never told you,
I'm so happy that you're mine.
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind,
You were always on my mind.

Elvis

Heard this version while driving,
The perfect song for the perfect melancholy.
Everything seems to fall into place,
Into perception.
I understood.
You were always on my mind.
Despite everything else,
That suggests otherwise.