Dear Elizabeth

Do you know why sometimes I’m fierce and scolds you even though you are only five years old?

Do you know why I keep telling you to be a good person when you grow up, to learn how to love mei mei and love your family, to be strong and to try and learn how to solve the many little problems that you faced?

It’s not because I’m angry at you or I think you are doing something wrong, not because I don’t love you anymore and not because you are not a good girl.

It’s because you are exactly like me. Like papa.

Papa is exactly like you. Sometimes I’m scared but I pretend I’m not. Sometimes I act selfish and tell myself I’m not selfish. Sometimes I also do things very slowly even when people keep chasing me. Sometimes I forget to do the things I’m supposed to do. Sometimes I doubt myself so much and I don’t think I can do it. Sometimes I keep everything inside and don’t tell anyone. But this only makes me unhappy and more tired.

That’s why I don’t want you to be like me. 

Shall we both work harder to become a better person? 

Sometimes when papa is not a good papa, can you remind me to do better and work harder? And sometimes when you forget our promise today or throw a tantrum, I’ll remind you too.

Promise, and I love you.

 ABOUT TIME 

 

I've just finished re-watching the movie About Time,

And it reminded me greatly about a lot of things that I've forgotten or kept hidden in the recesses,

About a lot of things that I think I'm doing right,

But which I'm not and have not.

I cant remember what I had felt then, 

Or whether there were any little epiphanies,

The first time I watched this years ago.

I definitely felt it this time round.

The clarity, oh the clarity...

I looked at the table outside and instead of seeing little bits of paper strips and hearts,

Wildly strewn all over,

I saw my daughters' imprints and fleeting images of their childhood,

The little joys that we had shared together cutting, gluing and folding stuff.

Gently, 

I reminded my wife that very soon,

These two girls wont be cutting up pieces of paper hearts anymore,

And that we need to be more present in the moment,

Instead of sometimes feeling that it is a chore to jaga them while the other is busy.

I'm suddenly feeling so much guilt and tugging of heartstrings,

Simply because I've not been the role model for my daughters,

That I thought I was or wished to be.

 

A wrong road is sometimes paved with good intentions.

 

All I wanted for Elizabeth is to not be like me,

Except that she is very much like me,

All my flaws and all.

I see it so clearly,

My pride, my pretended nonchalance, my sensitivities, my insecurities, my many veils and facades...

Instead of being harsh to her and hoping she learns from my 'teachings',

Maybe all she needs is my love and understanding,

To show her that I believe in her and will always support her.

That I know she needs to undertake her own journey;

One with many trials and tribulations,

And difficult and heartbreaking days,

Wrought by wrong choices,

And sometimes blinded by pride,

Or patched over by indifference and ennui,

With sprinkles of sunshine and rainbows in between.

 

Everyone needs to go through these,

To build that moral compass,

For your heart to truly feel, resonate, to empathize, to open up,

Not from words spoken or unspoken,

But to know inherently what is right and what is wrong to you,

To not bend the knee when we need to stand tall and firm,

To be confident and love the person that we are,

Flaws and all. 

Because only when we learn to accept and love ourselves,

Can we truly love someone else.