ABOUT TIME 

 

I've just finished re-watching the movie About Time,

And it reminded me greatly about a lot of things that I've forgotten or kept hidden in the recesses,

About a lot of things that I think I'm doing right,

But which I'm not and have not.

I cant remember what I had felt then, 

Or whether there were any little epiphanies,

The first time I watched this years ago.

I definitely felt it this time round.

The clarity, oh the clarity...

I looked at the table outside and instead of seeing little bits of paper strips and hearts,

Wildly strewn all over,

I saw my daughters' imprints and fleeting images of their childhood,

The little joys that we had shared together cutting, gluing and folding stuff.

Gently, 

I reminded my wife that very soon,

These two girls wont be cutting up pieces of paper hearts anymore,

And that we need to be more present in the moment,

Instead of sometimes feeling that it is a chore to jaga them while the other is busy.

I'm suddenly feeling so much guilt and tugging of heartstrings,

Simply because I've not been the role model for my daughters,

That I thought I was or wished to be.

 

A wrong road is sometimes paved with good intentions.

 

All I wanted for Elizabeth is to not be like me,

Except that she is very much like me,

All my flaws and all.

I see it so clearly,

My pride, my pretended nonchalance, my sensitivities, my insecurities, my many veils and facades...

Instead of being harsh to her and hoping she learns from my 'teachings',

Maybe all she needs is my love and understanding,

To show her that I believe in her and will always support her.

That I know she needs to undertake her own journey;

One with many trials and tribulations,

And difficult and heartbreaking days,

Wrought by wrong choices,

And sometimes blinded by pride,

Or patched over by indifference and ennui,

With sprinkles of sunshine and rainbows in between.

 

Everyone needs to go through these,

To build that moral compass,

For your heart to truly feel, resonate, to empathize, to open up,

Not from words spoken or unspoken,

But to know inherently what is right and what is wrong to you,

To not bend the knee when we need to stand tall and firm,

To be confident and love the person that we are,

Flaws and all. 

Because only when we learn to accept and love ourselves,

Can we truly love someone else.