Daddy Speaks

While watching footy on telly juz now,
X asked me: So how did your dad do it?
How did he become the man he is today?
I shall not speak for the man,
Since he had already so aptly answered.
Hard work, determination, opportunity and risk-taking.
I find myself nodding in agreement to most of the stuff he mentioned.
He's a good dad by my standards.
For guys, they usually model themselves on their dad.
Not in their dad's totality,
But rather on their positive attributes.
So in his image(almost),
I'm lazy(it's in the genes), a gambler by nature, and not very chatty.
The above sounds rather negative.
They are, coz i havent discovered any of his positives listed above, in myself, yet.
Maybe cept for the element of risk-taking.
He mentioned that at our age,
Studies should be one of our top priority.
And with adequate effort to match.
And in this area, i've been a failure.
However hard i've tried,
The motivation and consistency juz refuse to come.
Even if they did,
They dont stay around for long.
What more with my two sis getting superlative results.
I've longed argued that results count for nothing in life.
It's true to a certain extent.
But i'm questioning this retort of mine.
Is it a defense of my not-so-distinct results,
Or juz simply an excuse so i have no pressing need to acknowledge my failures,
As well as the fact that my grades reflect my effort?
Quite simply, i've lost the plot.
And i should stop kidding myself.
So confident of my own ability,
That i believe i could get thru school without much effort.
Maybe i could do it,
But what would be the point!?
Since i've previously stated so vehemently,
That it's the process of achieving good grades that matters.
The thing here is,
I have mastered neither the means nor the ends.
Flattered to deceive.
This is how i would describe myself.
So how do i vindicate myself?
A semester of good CAP would mean nothing if i screw up the subsequent sems.
It would again point to the fact that i have yet to achieve the desired level of tenacity, self-sacrifice and prioritising.
The thing is,
I cant promise that my action would parallel my reflection.
Sometimes, i dont know whatz the problem with me.
Something is definitely wrong.
Some things.
Answers.
I need answers.
Try looking within...