Identity & Expectations
With my paper on wednesday,
And the fact that i'm not done with studying,
Coupled with 2 blog entries in a short space of a few hrs,
Shows that either i have given up on my socio paper,
Or that i have somehow discovered the questions that are gonna come out,
Or that i am overly optimistic,
Or that i have certain pressing issues to articulate.
It is very much the latter.
Juz had a conversation with X.
At a time when normal people should be sleeping and desperate students should be studying,
We juz chatted.
Mainly about relationships and identities and a little analysis of close friends.
What struck me during this discussion was not so much our similar opinions about r/s and the world in general.
Rather, it was the revelation that someone close had lost his identity.
Maybe the word 'Lost' is too strong and inappropriate.
'Altered' would be a better word.
The fact that he lost/altered his identity is not so much a concern.
What is of concern is that he lost/altered it without a struggle.
Somehow, during the course this discussion, i drew similarities with his situation and mine.
His was circumstantial (as stated by X), whereas mine was a result more of my hesitancy and unwillingness to act.
Or if you would like - my weakness.
Which brings me to the fact that i am so very stubborn.
Lost identity and Stubborness?
Pretty unrelated you say.
"No link lah!"
The paradox here lies in being stubborn and yet still losing one's identity.
The assumption is : If one is stubborn, then it is innate in him to refuse to yield easily.
True?
So if one is stubborn, then he wouldnt lose something which defines him, like identity, that easily.
Which is exactly what happened.
So how do we reconcile the two?
The previous post shows in a latent yet clear form the extent of my stubborness.
I refuse absolutely to pander to any diplomatic and politically-correct suggestions as answers.
If a topic or opinion or question is serious enough or close to my heart,
I would not, for one, discard my truthful opinion and give a false answer.
That is so not me.
At this age, i have pretty strong opinion about certain stuff.
And i can be wrong.
However, in any event that i lose in an argument, it doesnt mean my opinion is any more faulty.
It could mean that the opponent is a better debater.
The fact that i detailed out the highly possible repercussions of wanton indulgence,
Juz goes to show that i'm giving Her my perspective and analysis.
It doesnt mean that i've passed a judgement that indulgence in sinful stuff is not good or foolhardy.
Sometimes, when two stubborn people try to communicate,
It can feel like a war of attrition.
Where neither wins.
I juz realised that i've digressed quite a bit from the previous identity discussion.
However, whatever identity problem that my friend suffers from,
Is a challenge for his character,
And i have no god-given right to impose my opinion.
Coz in the end, whatever articulation i offer here is not gonna change anything.
Neither is my opinion absolutely right.
It all lies in making a distinction and hopefully drawing a balance.
Back to my stubborness.
The thing is, as an inevitable product of our educational system and political culture,
I grew up to be a rational creature on any issues not pertaining to matters of the heart.
Or sex.
True, it is granted that sometimes gals juz want someone to complain to,
And not someone to comment.
But i find it extremely difficult not to opine when there's obvious irrationality and illogicality involved.
It is also granted that human minds are very capricious and uncontrollable 'entities'.
But there is a limit to everything.
I can give in to you if you are unreasonable once.
It is so easy for me to juz say something sweet or nice,
And have a cordial conversation going on.
But i would very much rather have my say.
Women do buy words easily.
I want to qualify - positive words at that.
But i feel that compliments should not be given too easily or when unwarranted.
If so, words lose their meanings.
For a person like me, it would mean losing my individuality.
It is sad when words, spoken or written, lose their meanings.
It is sad too, when a person loses his/her identity.
What is inherently important is not what is said,
But what is left unsaid.
With communication, there is bound to be mis-communication.
I do admit that i am sometimes a pain in the ass.
Sometimes, i do and say all the wrong things.
But other times, i'm sensitive and diplomatic.
The thing is, if you are not close to me,
It is highly unlikely that i will offer you my criticisms.
Out of 10 guys you know,
I'll be the one who'll always offer my true opinion.
Out of 10 guys you know,
I'll always be ready with a few stuff to suan you about.
There is no point in fashioning myself upon the other 9 guys you know,
I'll much rather be myself and relate myself to you the way i do and know how.
That way, you'll know me for who i am and how different an individual i am.
I await the day.
When you realise that i am who i am.
And there's no changing that.
And you might also realise, as an added bonus,
That my suannings is my way of articulating my opinion, albeit indirectly.
That i will always be around if you need me.
Are methods more important than intentions?
We cant have the best of both worlds all the time.
And i'm not perfect.
Sometimes our expectation of others is the reason why there is a breakdown in communication, or method, or intentions.
If one expects me to say something pleasing,
Then when i dont,
Which is usually the case,
The end result is disappointment.
Rather than treat the symptoms,
I would think the root problem is of Expectations.
And it would have to be altered.
If not, more disappointments would inevitably follow.