Unbearable Sadness of Being

I blog again.
At 4 am.
In this anguish,
I write again.
In this despair,
I try again.
I cant master words and thoughts right now,
Neither can i control this sadness,
This unbearable sadness.
Anguish
Bleakness.
Disconsolateness.
Despondence.
Melancholy.
Misery.
Moodiness.
Sorrow.
Woefulness.
These nine words are yet inadequate,
To describe the complete sadness that i am feeling.
Family,
The boulders that will stand the test of Time,
The faith that keeps one sane,
Is against me.
How i wail against this injustice!
This empty injustice!
I always believe,
When the whole world doesnt believe in me anymore,
My family would still trust me,
And keep faith in me,
And love me,
For who i am.
Yet right now,
They are angry and upset with me,
For something i'm not even guilty of,
Without even discussing with me,
Without facts nor evidence,
Mere assumptions.
Is it really that simple?
One is wrong,
And others right?
Are things really what they seem?
Or do we need to pry open what the surface conceals?
I've explained myself,
Albeit in words.
How much of it gets through is anyone's guess.
How much longer will i be misunderstood,
Isnt up to my discretion.
I only hope.
I only pray.
That the truth will prevail.
That sorrow brings forth strength.
I heave a sigh.
An inexorable sigh.
A sigh of great distress.
I need no sympathy.
I need no concern.
I need no kind words.
What i need is thus.
Trust.
Faith.
Belief.
Is it that hard?
To get these from people who matter to me?
From people dear and close.
All i ask is such.
Trust me when i promise.
Place your faith in me when suspicion arises.
Believe in me when everyone else dont.
I think the above are necessary ingredients in any relationships.
Yet somehow,
Right now,
I feel that i'm lacking all these from people.
From people who mean the world to me.
Yet to them,
I'm not their world.
I'm not.
It's such an empty feeling.
So empty that neither sorrow nor despair have any space,
To inflict emotional upheveals.
So empty that it makes emptiness so incredibly large,
That it fills one up,
And leave no space for anything else.
For the first time,
In such a long while,
I actually feel like crying.
Yet tears cant flow forth,
Coz the emptiness pervades everything,
Every emotion,
Every thought,
Every blink.
Everything.
I'm crumbling,
Against this relentless onslaught of skepticism and suspicion.
If my words arent good enough,
If my actions dont prove enough,
Then what good am i?
How much do i matter?
Why then should i believe in relationships and love?
For what i believe in,
Doesnt believe in me.
For what i stood for,
Doesnt stand by me.
For whom i trust,
Doesnt trust me back.
For whom i place my faith in,
Doesnt reciprocate.
What then is there for me?
Where else will i find what i seek?
Pray tell me.
Pray tell.
I beg.
Pray tell.