On me and literature.

Hmm.....
Nowadays, it seems fashionable for friends i meet to ask me: Are you alright?
Why?
Purely on the basis of my 'melancholic' ramblings on this very blog?
Now to allay all these concerns. (which i tot was very nice)
I've felt pretty good for the past weeks or so.
Even though there has been a couple of hiccups.
But i'm seriously enjoying school.
Even though exams are coming and still some niggling assignments due soon.
And i'm enjoying life too.
The odd nights out with the guys.
The ocassional lone-driving at night.
The lovely music that's kept on repeat mode.
The thrill of soccer every sunday mornings.
The incessant chatting with buggers online.
The wonderful exchanges with J.
The satisfaction from doing well in my essays.
All these are punctuated sometimes by bouts of melancholy, mood swings and temperament.
Night is the time where all fears and philosophies and loneliness and wistfulness surfaces.
For me that is.
But overall, Leben ist sehr gut.
So no worries guys (and gals).
On another topic.
Literature is absolutely brillant.
It gives the mind a more than linear perspective.
The thing is, most serious literatures are about the human condition.
Sufferings, redemptions, carthasis, litost, pathos and the likes.
And somehow, along the way, i come into contact with all these fictional characters.
With totally different lives and situations and weaknesses and strengths.
They seem to become my friends, in a loose sense.
I seem to be able to understand their weaknesses and celebrate their moments of strength.
It makes me more tolerable of people in general.
Of their weaknesses and capriciousness.
And i seem to be able to reconcile the ambiguity and complexity and contradiction of life itself.
I seem to be able to take more things in my stride, regardless happy or sad, serious or trivial.
I seem to find the answers.
The meanings.
The essence of being human.
I seem to be able to hear the unsaid words.
See the undone actions.
Understand the unexpressed feelings.
I seem to be able to connect with people, on their shielded self.
Maybe i'm juz seem-ing.
A mere figment of my imagination running riot.
However, i believe all of these.
I feel all of these.
I experience all of these.
In everyday life.
In my contact with friends, people and situations.
Ah......
This acute and heightened sense of awareness and understanding is useless.
Useless for my german oral test in 10 hours time.
Keke....
This entry is juz an excuse for me to delay memorising my many german lines.
Still, even though it's an excuse, it doesnt lose its authenticity nor its frankness.
This blog is my way of releasing all those pent-up feelings of melancholy, fustrations, joy, little happiness and whatznot.
Come next day, these emotions would lose their grip on me.
In a way, it keeps me focussed on reality.
It keeps me from sliding down the ladder of despair which i so often do in the past.
It keeps me sane.
It solves the inevitable feeling of loneliness that envelops when the sky turns dark.
it keeps me occupied.
It soothes my exasperations and calms my anger.
So please.
Dont read these entries and immediately think: Oh dear. He's feeling in the dumps again.
Very often, i'm not.
I am entitled to my idiosyncrasies and viewpoints which swings from day to day.
So there.
I am who i am today, in what i write and how i think.
I cant guarantee tomorrow.
That's the beauty of life isnt it.
It's unpredictability.

Tibet

What a proposition!
J suggested this trip to me the other day.
I think i know too many Js.
Didnt really sound too captivating to me originally.
Then i remembered last night as i was willing myself to sleep in the wee hours.
I remembered dreams of yesteryears.
Dreams of immersing in the cultures of places like Tahiti and Tibet.
Away from Singapore.
Away from my current life.
Call it escapism if you want.
I told T today that maybe a trip to Tibet would be beneficial to me spiritually.
He snorted and smirked and everything else cynical.
A discussion with J earlier gave me renewed vigour.
He mentioned finding meaning and peace.
I mentioned clarity and meaning.
It's funny isnt it!?
Reflecting on our conversation, i cant help but wonder.
Why do one need to go away, to another place, another city, another country, another life?
Juz to find meaning and reason and peace?
Couldnt one find it right here, in this life, this station of life?
I mean, if one cant find the meaning and peace that they need while in their current place or situation, then how much more would a change of place and venue aid the search process?
A change in venue or a holiday would probably juz change one's mental and emotional state for the period of change and transition.
After one's back to the world s/he belongs, then things would slowly but surely revert back to their original form.
This is what i call the movie-symptom.
How often do we step into the cinema and feel that we're in a whole new world?
The images on screen take our minds on a journey.
A journey where our consciousness is compelled to partake.
How often do we come out with a new perspective?
How often do we feel affected by the movie's moral message?
Similarly, how often does this message and perspective stay in our consciousness?
Not very long i would say.
A little distraction from our current life tends to erase any lingering attachment to the movie's message/perspective.
It's juz a little distraction from our mundane lives.
To allow us some space for sanity and imagination and the ideal.
Well....
That's juz one way modern man deals with the strains of society.
I seem to be digressing.
But isnt that how thoughts flow?
Oh yah, a lovely song to intro to all 98.7 listeners.
Pls stop listening to that crap.
Try this Buy me a rose by Luther Vandross.
The melody is sublime.

I pine, I burn, I perish

Oh how i wish....
No point wishing.
They dont come true nor manifest.
Coz wishes reflect a wanton and idealistic desire of something that is un-attainable.
On a night like this,
Eyes heavy with sleep's gentle swaying,
i should have acceded.
Yet i'm still awake, typing this entry.
J juz commented that her friends 'commented' that i'm the epitome of unfriendliness.
That i should open up more.
The usual criticisms.
That net-working is important.
Blah, blah....
How do i get it across!!??
I am what and who i am.
If people whom i have absolutely no ties with or sentiments for, want to view me as aloof, difficult, unfriendly or 'dao', then let them be.
I'm not in the least bothered.
The above line sparked another criticism: Why are you always that stubborn?
Am i?
Maybe i am.
But in this case, it is definitely not a sign of my stubborn-ness.
The fact is that, i dont open up easily to strangers or people i dont feel comfy with.
Is it that big a sin!?
Dont people have their own personality or preferences or idiosyncracies?
Tell me about net-working.
I dont give a damn.
"You'll regret it in future", you say.
I still dont give a damn.
I juz dont see why people can 'pretend' to be chummy with another when in actuality, they arent the least bothered whether the guy/gal juz ate, watched a movie or had sex.
As if these very people are any more interested in us than we are in them.
It is ludicrous to think that the more people i know in my lifetime translates into increasing my chances of getting help/aid when i need it.
Hello....
This is the real world.
A world where weak social fabrics dont hold when personal interests are introduced.
A world where by helping you, the helper has his/her own private agenda(s).
How can one expect his/her long-lost primary school friend or university classmate of 1-2 years to help altruistically in, say, 10 yrs down the road?
They dont have that obligation.
Neither should we expect that of them.
I find more than a tinge of hypocrisy in this kinda behaviour.
Not that i dont say Hi or start small talk with acquaintances.
But why bother with people I have absolutely no interest in knowing?
Why bother saying Hi to people, with whom i havent had exchanged more than 10 lines of conversation with!?
By saying Hi, would that augment my apparent 'friendliness' on them?
Would they think anymore differently of me?
Would saying Hi make them remember me any more in 5/10 years?
By saying Hi, would a friendship blossom?
I think not.
I'm happy and content with the small circle of close friends that i have.
I'm not interested in knowing half the world, yet not having anyone to talk to when i'm happy or sad.
I'm concerned that you term people as your 'very good friend' on the basis that 'we're chummy'.
Tell me about it.
Very good friends indeed.
Maybe i'm juz more selective.
Friendship is more than chumminess.
More than mere exchanges of gossips, news and personal stories.
More than whining about problems and percieved problems.
Sigh.....
I'm less piqued now.
My exasperation has spent itself, by manifesting in words.
When will come the day?
The day when the One appear.
The one gal who i can say, truly, understands me.
Till that day, to borrow a quote from Shakespeare,
(one of my personal fav)
"I pine, i burn, i perish."
But before that day comes, i have arrived at a decision.
One that i have made many times before, but havent stuck to.
I'm pretty determined this time.
"Parting is such sorrow"
Indeed, it is.

Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plans
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Thanx Ed for the song and lyrics.
But i think the rhyme at the end of each line spoils the song.
Those in the know would immediately see the key word in the whole lyric.
Keke....
Death of a Salesman is sooo gonna be the death of me man....
Got so much to read, and so little time.....
Hope the production goes on smoothly man.....
Ah.....
Currently feelin' quite high....
Listening to Milkshake.....
Groovy.....
Anyways, i was very amused today.
The amusement originated yesterday.
Reinforced today.
Haha....
A certain friend of mine juz got a blog and a new email.
The funny bit lies in his email and blog add.
There's a certain funny feminine (note the alliteration) phrase to it.
"bearbearyeo"
Now isnt tt funny!?
The bugger whom i fought with for years over petty arguments seem to have found his feminine spot.
Buahahahhahaha......
I'm gonna have such a fun time suan-ning him.
Tho it'll be at a great risk to my life.
Bearbear, if u r reading this, pls take it with a pinch of salt and some strawberries.
If you are really upset and feel like strangling me, you can try hugging a big teddy.
Or you can start whining to your gf.
Keke....
I'm so evil.
I'm so mean.
I'm so me.

Of Men, Girls and Blondes

It's been long.
Havent been in contact with the com for quite a while now.
I consider this an achievement, considering my predilection with the com and internet previously.
Been putting my fair share of effort into school work.
Which translates into me feeling a teeny wheeny bit of self-fulfillment.
It's important to not give up on oneself.
I've been thru stages and phases of self-hating and self-pity one too often in the past.
Nothing constructive comes out of these episodic affairs.
It's good to know one's own strengths and weaknesses.
Pity, not many people know theirs well.
Coz if one is in tune with him/herself, then one can take achievements and failures on the chin and avoid the common pitfall of arrogance and self-pity.
Anyway, had a rollin' gd time yesterday.
Some studying, so thus eliminating some guilt.
Then loads of blonde jokes.
It's funny i tell u.
At least to me.
Not least to my exasperated frenz.
And Mu won.
I was asked recently, by a friend's gf, that given a choice between a pretty face and a supportive but not so pretty face (as in girlfriend material), which would i choose?
My ans still stands: Is there even a choice in the 1st place?
No doubt there will be guys out there who go for pretty faces and then parade them as successful conquests and trophies to admiring friends and anyone who bothers to listen to their boasts.
But certainly, these pretty faces cant last, and no guy in their sane mind would go for mere pretty faces in their pursuit of marriage.
So which left: supportive girlfriends.
This criteria is not exclusive, neither is it be all end all.
It's only one of the many criterias that a guy should seek in a prospective partner.
What the others are depends on individuals.
What they need, want and lack.
I, for one, would need love, communication and encouragement.
I would want good sex, tenderness, good cooking and intelligence.
She's gotta be able to make me into a better individual.
Not that it isnt a personal strive for better-ment but rather what a cliche expresses: She completes me.
Damn!
I sound so love-lorn.
Haha......
Gotta run.
Got loadsa school work awaiting.

It's juz another day

Another day,
Just another day.
The next few weeks are gonna be crucial,
In terms of exams and assignments dued.
Been back-pedalling a lil'
Gotta study for yet another german vocab test on thurs.
It's funny, coz i can be so enthusiastic about gaining new insights and formulating opinions abt certain modules and topics for a short period of time,
yet when i start being a lil' indolent and stop reading,
I lose all drive and motivation to pursue further knowledge or accomplish any work however pressing they might be.
Till panic seize me.
Till deadlines loom.
Till i start my frequent nightly reflections.
Till i start getting pissed off with myself.
Now to get the juices flowing......
Read a report today that Singaporean teenagers are getting more promiscuous and sexually liberal.
Is that news?
Maybe whatz news is the fact that teenage sexual liberalisation finally got recognised, after years in oblivion and denial (societal or self).
The report stated 12-16 as the 'normal' age when these teenagers lose their virginity.
This almost sounds like a report on western decadence by Asian commentators.
I think Singaporean youths are losing their innocence way too fast.
With cartoons like Happy Tree Friends and the ease of pornography on the web, who can blame them?
Couple all these with peer pressure and the innate drive to look, act and be cool,
it's little wonder they turn to smoking and drinking and sex-ing.
Reading all these made me feel so damn old.
It's a little off 10 years since i belonged to this category.
Not the vices and poromiscuity part, but the age group.
Some people might dispute this little fact. (u buggers)
Still, there is a ray of hope.
From where?
From a couple of female self-confessed-virgin friends.
And a couple of lamenting virgin guy friends.
Given a chance, these very guys will give up their virginity without a hint of a struggle.
The 'complexity' of being male.
However, these ladies are virgins by choice.
They dont believe in pre-marital sex and neither are they affected by peer pressure (or bf pressure).
But some have started to exhibit cracks in their former resilence.
One wonders aloud: What if i only get married at 30? Then i would only get to have sex at 30?
Another: Do i want a husband who is a virgin too?
My reply: The choice is yours to make(1st qns) and If you can find one(2nd qns)
Truth be said, they are normal women with desires and passions and feelings.
Sexual urges are intrinsically human.
However i do applaud their individualism and strength of mind.
It is not easy you know.
To retain that presence of mind and control when alcohol takes effect or when situations start getting intimate and physical.
If these women are attached, then it's hard for the boyfriends too.
On one hand, they want to respect their girlfriends' decision.
On the other hand, they are GUYS.
With an innate desire for intimacy and loving.
How do you reconcile these two intangible and conflicting notions?
Romantics would go "Save the best for the last."
Feminists would cry: "Fuck men and their dicks!"
Realists would state: "Do it only if both of you are in love."
Strict Catholics would not even comment, for there is no choice.
Liberals would moan in estasy: "Faster, harder....."
Well......
Much as i applaud their naivete(gonna get slammed for this word) and innocence and individualism and resilence,
I do sense trouble brewing in the near future.
From now till the age of marriage is a good 5-8 years.
Who is to say their current bfs will 'stick' around long enough, esp when there is no sex?
Who is to say these women wont wake up one day and change their outlook?
Who knows what a night of dancing and boozing would do to one's conservatism?
I, for one, wouldnt say anything.
Afterall, it's only human.
But, much as i seem to be preaching abstainence,
I do strongly believe that sex brings a new and deeper dimension to a relationship.
What that dimension is, is for the couple to work out.
Now for Virginity and Desirability.
I pose this questions for the males out there:
"If you had knowledge that the gal you are going after believes strongly in sex only after marrigae, would you reconsider her suitability as a long-term girlfriend?"
Before you buggers decry this question as stupid and sexist,
think about its relevance and possibility.
Put yourself in this situation.
It's easy to say that you would put up with this.
It's easy to paint yourself up as a saint and be respectful towards the gal's decision.
It's easy to say you can live without sex.
But it's not so easy after 1-2 years.
It's not so easy if you see sexy women everyday.
It's not so easy if your dick decides to over-rule ur head.
It's not so easy if there is a chance to cheat and you know the chances of getting caught is near zilch.
So think.
Can u guys handle this?
No sex.

Single

Mu lost again.
Whatz new?
Someone got attached.
Now that's news.
Shall save him the interrogation till later.
Anyways, the Lonely Hearts Club's membership seems to be dwindling.
And i have an innate refusal to be associated with this Club.
It makes me sound as if i'm wallowing in self-pity and trying to gain sympathy.
Not that it was meant to convey such impressions and images.
A lot of acquaintances expressed mock concern and surprise that i'm still not attached.
And i do find it hard to explain why(to them).
The reason being, i have no need to explain my singlehood to anyone, cept myself.
"Don't be too choosy."
"What kind of gals u like? I intro to you."
"You sure or not? 2 sems already leh."
"Dont bluff!"
"So who you chasing?"
"But why?"
"I'm very sure you will find one very soon."
The typical answers(and questions) i get.
Everytime.
Seems like school's a big playground where couples roam hand in hand.
Where the windows of opportunity for romance are opening all the time.
But i gotta admit it's difficult for me to be attracted to a gal.
First, she's gotta attract me physically.
Not that i'm shallow, but that's the truth.
Then, the question of Fate stepping in to cross our paths.
It's gonna be hard for the physical attraction to sustain if our paths dont cross.
Then i need to be attracted to her personality.
I dont think there is a set or fixed kind of personality that i like.
Then i gotta feel the chemistry.
Whether the attraction is mutual.
Then there's the small matter of Time.
To know how strong the attraction is.
The i'll make my move.
Is there something wrong with these steps?
Coz i seem to be failing everytime.
Sometimes i fail at step 2 but mostly at step 4 and 5.
i think i'll die if the scenario with J happens every sem.
Much as i wanna state categorically that gals and relationships (sexual or not) are the furthest thing in my mind right now,
When night falls, and silence envelops,
I know i'm lying to myself.
Pretending.
In words, everything seems oh so clear.
Clearly, my actions and emotions disagree.
The paradoxical nature of being human.

Enough of this kind of reflections.
If one cannot put down the past, one cannot move on and embrace the future.
This not only applies to me, but also friends of mine. (you know who you are)
I wanna discuss about the Gahment's new carrot and stick measures to ensure the fertility rates go up.
And also the topic of Virginity(gals) and its inverse relationship with Desirability (gf material).
However, due to my constant emission of heat (sun-burnt), and the icky sticky feeling, i would much rather go bathe and sleep.
Some other time then.

End of a dynasty

Damn!
Man Utd lost.
Bloody hell!
Mother of all ironies.
Now's their turn to lose an important game in the last min.
How many times have they inflicted this kind of agony on others?
Think Bayern Munich.
What goes around comes around.
In the end, gotta accept the fact as well as the loss.
It's not the end of the world.
However, i feel it's almost the end of the road.
The terminal.
A dynasty, however proud and dominant, will have to end one day.
Much as i hope United can repeat 1999 again, deep down i know it's not quite likely.
Wenger spoke about a shift in power.
I speak about a paradigm shift.
The moment Mu lose their clean-cut and harmonious image, we can feel the impending storm in the horizon.
What with all the internal mud-slinging as well as the doping case.
Couple all these with the law of averages when we talk about Lady Luck, then it's little wonder that Mu lost last night.
We should not write them off yet.
The league i mean.
9 pts is a lot to catch up.
Plus the fact that Arse is cruising at the moment.
But i envision Arse losing at least 2-3 league games come end of season.
Which means there's still hope, albeit a slim one at that.
To say MU is in decline is quite wrong.
It's juz that Arse has been over-whelming this season.
Therein lies the paradigm shift.
No longer is Mu's style of play being modelled by other aspiring clubs.
In fact, it has become quite fustrating for their fans.
Whatever happened to the free-scoring swagger and astute defending?
Couple of years back, when one see MU in full flow, it's scary.
One would feel for the opponents.
Now when one watches Arse shifting their gear, it's pretty damn scary.
One would pray if he had bet on the opposing team.
Arse's defending cannot be mentioned in the same breathe as the classic Italian sides.
But at least they've got some sort of consistency back there.
Cant say the same for United tho.
The backbone of the team - Giggsy, Scholes, Keane and the Nevilles are fast approaching the wrong end of 30.
How many more years of top-flight football can they contribute?
To ensure a dynasty maintains its preponderance, there is a need for a smooth transition or handing over of roles and responsibilities.
However, i dont see any real promise waiting in the wings.
Wes Brown?
Are you kidding!?
I dont see him in the mould of Bruce or Ferdinand.
Ronaldo?
Maybe.
O'Shea?
Needs consistency.
Forlan?
No comments.
Djemba-Djemba?
Hmm.....
Kleberson?
You sure he's a Brazilian!?
Fletcher?
Own up, whoever the bugger that commented he could cross like Beckham and that he's damn creative.
Maybe in CM 03/04, but definitely not in real life.
This said, i'm waiting for United to bring out their never-say-die spirit as well as a siege mentality and tackle the remaining of the season head-on.
This wouldnt be the worst season if they finish 2nd and with no silverware to show.
However, it would be the worst in terms of attitude if they give up now and heads start dropping.
Knowing Fergie, he'll probably throw some cups or kick some boots if this happens.
Now, this quite reminds me of someone i know.
The same knack for throwing things.
Whoever he might be, heard he has mellowed.

Make It Real

Tonight is a night of honest reflections.
I can finally tell myself that i've shifted to 2nd gear.
This is with regards to studies.
Been catching up on the long-overdued readings and whatnotz.
Somehow, this renewed state of academic pursuit reminds me of my zealousness and enthusiasm upon my virgin step into Uni.
But as a good self-fulfilling prophercy should be, i quickly dismissed this state of mind as an anomaly.
That i would fizzle out before the sem is over.
True to my predictions, i didnt really make an adequate effort towards the crucial exam period.
Leaving me on a trail littered with disappointments and lousy grades.
However, it is quite the reverse this sem.
I only got into 1st gear during mid-sem.
And there's only around one more mth till exams.
But currently i'm buzzing.
Buzzing with a feeling of unparallelled satisfaction.
Why?
Coz my renewed efforts paid off with pretty decent dividends.
Got a grade in Ger that mirrored the time spent studying the bloody vocabs.
Also, a gd grade for my Drama review.
True, they might not amount to much come end of term.
But as a spur for my continued academic diligence, they more than suffice.
This leads me to ponder: If purely to attain decent grades, which strategy is better?
A) To pursue academic excellence throughout the sem, and risk missing out a big portion of social interaction?(read: partying, hanging out with babes, gambling, u get the drift...).
Or
B) To try and reconcile the two agendas of any self-professed and self-loving students?
i.e Play(75%) & Study(25%) for 1st half of sem, and Play(25%) & Study(75%) for the 2nd half of the sem,
thus achieving a balance of some sort.
Hmmmm......
Muggers would tell me to make it a consistent effort and that mugging is the best way to get gd grades.
Closet muggers would tell me to have fun while out with people, but ultimately to find excuses to go home and mug while maintaining that "i dont study".
Slackers would tell me to chill out, bum around and "carpe diem".
Friends would see through my defence on this topic and deride me for spending too much time pondering the abstract & idealistic instead of acting out the concrete in reality.
Acquaintances would say "Jia You!!!" followed by an inquisition/enquiry "So, what did you get for your last test/essay?"
Close friends would encourage me in forms they see fit.
So which category do you belong to?
At the end of it all, i would say: Talk is cheap, YZ! No amount of verbal and intellectual reflections would sufficiently substitute for actual practice.
To all those who can identify with this struggle to find motivation, juz remember that we all have a choice. Priorities and agendas grow and fade in importance with the ebbing of Time. We've been studying since we came of age. However, we're only students once. And academic education is only but a small percentage compared to the future years of work and toil. So sieze the day.

P.S. Liuw, there's sth wrong with both our tagboards.

Lipbalm

I juz dont understand.
Why some gals absolutely adore lipbalms.
Not that i dont use lipbalms.
Dont get me wrong.
Lipbalm is one of my SOP item.
However, what i'm aghast at, is those lipbalms that come in minute colourful containers.
Why?
Simply because they are totally unhygienic.
I saw Y dabbing her index finger into that minute bottle of a lipbalm and applying a generous amount across her thin lips at the library today.
Note: The finger wasnt really clean.
God knows what that finger had came into contact with previously.
Imagine how much bacteria is accumulated on the tip of the finger.
Imagine again this very finger tip being in contact with the creamy colourful texture of a lipbalm.
Then seal up the bottle after use. Tightly.
With loads of bacteria inside.
Multiplying.
And multiplying.
Then open up the lid again when the need to moisturise one's lips arise.
Now more bacteria is added into the lipbalm.
Hmmmm......
Food for thought.
Now, i would strongly advocate the usage of lipbalm, but only those in stick or shaft forms.
Not only is it more hygienic, it wont leave that icky sticky mess on your fingers.
There.
I've said my piece.
Disclaimer: I'm not promoting any brands of lipbalm. Neither am i to be blamed for any rashes or whatever side-effects that arise from using lipbalms, be they in stick or bottle forms. Also, this is a personal preference and in no way is this a call to arms for lipbalm-stick lovers or lipbalm-bottle lovers. To each their own.

Bored

I'm super duper bored right now.
Juz went for ice cream with Z.
Why izzit when i have the car, then i have nowhere to go.
Maybe it's coz i dont have the appropriate company.
Afterall, an outing is only meaningful if the company is appropriate.

German

Had a great time learning German words yesterday.
This coming from me?
Yes, it's true.
I really enjoyed learning the multitude of words for the test today.
The tricky part about German is that the every noun has a gender and a plural form.
The plural form is plain tricky and boring to memorise.
However, with regards to the gender of nouns, it was great fun.
Example: Weltkrieg (world war), is a masculine noun.
To learn the gender, i juz need to remember that WW1 & 2 were started by men.
For the noun Park, juz need to rem that women cant park and thus it's a masculine noun.
However, it is not all that straightforward.
Me, T, G, P and Y were deliberating over certain tricky nouns like Police.
Why?
Coz Polizei (police) is a feminine noun!
Anyways, i finally managed to equate Police with a feminine conception.
Think Wong Li Lin in Triple 9.
Yes, it's lame.
But what better way to remember!?
Anyways, that was the first time i studied so bloody hard and long this semester.
Hope it wont be the last.
Hopping onto another topic......
Didnt talk to J for a long time liao.
I didnt initiate.
Neither did she.
Oh well.....
I'm juz at a loss.
Lost for words and topics when i see her in class or online.
Maybe i'm not really attracted to her that strongly in the first place.
Maybe i'm juz afraid. (this sounds more likely)
Am i kidding?
I dunno.
Time will tell, as the old adage goes.
Good news!!!
My mum sort of forgiven me liaoz.
She didnt exactly say she did but her actions spoke for her.
1st sign, she called me and asked if i'm going back for dinner.
Yeah, we're on talking terms again.
2nd sign, she returned me the 1k with a note saying - "Whenever you do something, you must do it with responsibility and care." (in chinese)
3rd sign, she let me drive here to use the com.
Looks like my repentance is almost complete.
The stage is set for me to show that i can be responsible.
Signed up to be a facilitator for the upcoming Arts camp for Freshies.
Went thru this interview that was supposed to be a formality.
However, i did something embarassing.
Was asked to do a cheer.
Which is so not my forte.
Havent done any cheers for like eons.
And the only one that popped up in my mind was the BP cheer.
Oh gosh!!!
And i did a william-hung-style rendition of the cheer.
Thinking of it now, i cringe and grin to myself.
Well, it's good to do something embarassing sometimes.
Helps to maintain the delicate balance.
The balance of a level-headed mind.
"Breathe, my soul, Dance, my heart"
The above is J's nick on msn.
However hard i try, i cant seem to type a single text to her.
Think i cannot be bothered liaoz.
Oh yes, before i forget, i wanna revise my previous theory on Attached girls that one happens to like.

"So what if the gals u like r attached? So what if they juz got tgt or been tgt for a long time? The pt to note here is: Be there for them when they break up. Theory is simple - at this sort of age, the couples either break up after a while or they get married."

The fundamental flaw to this theory lies in me assuming that it's so easy to continue being friends with the girl after one found out that she's attached.
Speaking from experience, it's not.
For one, if one gets closer to her(in terms of friendship), wouldnt one be more tormented by the fact that she feels only for that Significant Other?
Also, the closer one gets to the Girl in question, the more attracted one would be to her, resulting only in unfulfilled emotional longings.
Is this healthy then?
Should we then continue being friends while keeping our options open?
Some may argue that a true friendship is even more beautiful than a true relationship.
And that we should only focus on what we have, instead of aspiring for the unreachable.
Tho' it would be the opinion of the minority or coming from a totally warped yet unique mind.
I think there isnt really a sure-fire method with regards to intangible stuff like emotions, feelings, freindships and relationships.
The appropriate conclusion for a discourse like this would be: To each his own.
For the heart is relativistic and capricious.

Thy wheel hast cometh a full circle

Do i believe in Karma?
Two days after penning an entry on Fate and its intricacies, i feel as if i am facing the wrath of Fate and its ironic gaze.
Thinketh i have reached a new low in my life.
Sigh......
The bitter irony of life.
A climax to an already lousy day.
Had a lousy day in school, starting with being so damn clueless in German class and being hit with the realisation that i'm starting to lag in German liaoz.
Coupled with the fact that i am already lagging in most of my school work, in all my modules, with exams just round the corner and hastily done assignments.
The clarity of my school-related self-induced problems only served to make me think i'm subconsciously conspiring with the world to make my life miserable.
And this is just the school part of my day.
Reaching home isnt the brightest thing i've done today.
No doubt home is a place for weary souls to rest.
Now for the biggest and cruellest twist of fate.
I crashed my mum's car again.
And guess what!?
She juz had the previous scratches and dents on the left door fixed, and the car juz came back from the workshop. Today!
Now for the re-enactment.
Me was sending sis home for dinner.
Me was chatting with sis.
Me then tries to park.
Sis commented that my parking skills improved.
Crashed!
Me proved that her comments need to be reviewed.
Mum heard Crash!
Mum damn pissed.
Me damn pissed.
With myself!
So i went out (walked out) and withdrew 1k from my bank.
Gonna give it to mum later.
The problem here is that $ is not an issue.
Sigh......
i refer to my first post on......

Wednesday, February 11, 2004
8 Reasons Why Scratching A Car Results In Emotional Upheavals
The scratching took place more than 10 days ago, yet it somehow managed to stay fresh in my mind. Luckily, i'm the only son, and my mum is quite a magnanimous person. So all seems to be forgotten a day after the Incident. Anyways, she was damn pissed when i sheepishly told her of my escapades.
Reason being, 1st: It was a new car, bought less than a few mths ago.
2nd: Mum's trust in me has been shattered.
3rd: My confidence shattered too.
4th: Chances to drive might be few and far between.
5th: Expenses incurred in re-spraying the paint and 'un-denting' the DENT.
6th: In retrospect, my blatant disregard for safety (mine and others).
7th: My character flaw is reflected in my driving (as aptly pointed out by my dad).
8th: People's confidence in my driving ability, which is usually closely associated with male pride, or to put it crudely, my manhood.
Well.... We all learn from mistakes. And that certainly stifled my innate urge to speed and cut corners. All is well now, and what remains are ugly reminders on the car door.
- posted by Yaozhong @ 8:45 PM

Now for the 9th reason: Committing the same mistake again right after someone has just forgiven you is juz plain stupid. And silly. And idiotic.
10th reason: How can i be trusted to drive again? By parents and by myself. I dont even trust myself. How bad is my confidence then!?
Is there gonna be a lower point i can sink to?
I dont know.
Anything can happen.
And bad things dont come alone.
However, i am not gonna be defeated.
The older one gets, the more responsibility one has to carry.
I have to admit, i'm not one for responsibility.
But this is a responsibility i have to face.
Alone.
Gotta scrimp and save for the next 2 months.
Gotta get more than an earful when dad comes home.
Gonna endure my mum's unhappy face for the next few days.
Gotta be pissed with myself for a while.
Gotta start regaining that lost trust.
Gotta start being a student. Not a pseudo one.
Gotta start acting and working like one.
Not everyone has the chance of studying.
Besides, in a couple of years, when i start working, i know i'm gonna miss studying terribly.
Terribly.
Now for the only good thing that happened to me today.
Recieved an email from Y.
She had dinner with a few of us guys on Sat.
Turned out that she saw deep friendships and male-bonding juz from our banter and idle chatter.
Looking back, beyond the grasp of Time's tendency to erase, i saw memories that made me smile.
Memories that we laughed about time and time again.
The foolish things that we've done as teenagers.
Looking forward, i know there's more memories for me to come.
To share with this bunch of people i call Friends.
When one sees things in a linear and chronological order, everything seems to make sense.
For example, i know that in 5 yrs' time, my mum will be complaining to receptive relatives on how lousy my driving skills were and how i managed to crashed her car on the same day it came back from the workshop.
i would smile and grin wryly.
Coz all bad blood is forgotten.
Only the funny aspects remain.
Re-told and re-emphasized.