I pine, I burn, I perish

Oh how i wish....
No point wishing.
They dont come true nor manifest.
Coz wishes reflect a wanton and idealistic desire of something that is un-attainable.
On a night like this,
Eyes heavy with sleep's gentle swaying,
i should have acceded.
Yet i'm still awake, typing this entry.
J juz commented that her friends 'commented' that i'm the epitome of unfriendliness.
That i should open up more.
The usual criticisms.
That net-working is important.
Blah, blah....
How do i get it across!!??
I am what and who i am.
If people whom i have absolutely no ties with or sentiments for, want to view me as aloof, difficult, unfriendly or 'dao', then let them be.
I'm not in the least bothered.
The above line sparked another criticism: Why are you always that stubborn?
Am i?
Maybe i am.
But in this case, it is definitely not a sign of my stubborn-ness.
The fact is that, i dont open up easily to strangers or people i dont feel comfy with.
Is it that big a sin!?
Dont people have their own personality or preferences or idiosyncracies?
Tell me about net-working.
I dont give a damn.
"You'll regret it in future", you say.
I still dont give a damn.
I juz dont see why people can 'pretend' to be chummy with another when in actuality, they arent the least bothered whether the guy/gal juz ate, watched a movie or had sex.
As if these very people are any more interested in us than we are in them.
It is ludicrous to think that the more people i know in my lifetime translates into increasing my chances of getting help/aid when i need it.
Hello....
This is the real world.
A world where weak social fabrics dont hold when personal interests are introduced.
A world where by helping you, the helper has his/her own private agenda(s).
How can one expect his/her long-lost primary school friend or university classmate of 1-2 years to help altruistically in, say, 10 yrs down the road?
They dont have that obligation.
Neither should we expect that of them.
I find more than a tinge of hypocrisy in this kinda behaviour.
Not that i dont say Hi or start small talk with acquaintances.
But why bother with people I have absolutely no interest in knowing?
Why bother saying Hi to people, with whom i havent had exchanged more than 10 lines of conversation with!?
By saying Hi, would that augment my apparent 'friendliness' on them?
Would they think anymore differently of me?
Would saying Hi make them remember me any more in 5/10 years?
By saying Hi, would a friendship blossom?
I think not.
I'm happy and content with the small circle of close friends that i have.
I'm not interested in knowing half the world, yet not having anyone to talk to when i'm happy or sad.
I'm concerned that you term people as your 'very good friend' on the basis that 'we're chummy'.
Tell me about it.
Very good friends indeed.
Maybe i'm juz more selective.
Friendship is more than chumminess.
More than mere exchanges of gossips, news and personal stories.
More than whining about problems and percieved problems.
Sigh.....
I'm less piqued now.
My exasperation has spent itself, by manifesting in words.
When will come the day?
The day when the One appear.
The one gal who i can say, truly, understands me.
Till that day, to borrow a quote from Shakespeare,
(one of my personal fav)
"I pine, i burn, i perish."
But before that day comes, i have arrived at a decision.
One that i have made many times before, but havent stuck to.
I'm pretty determined this time.
"Parting is such sorrow"
Indeed, it is.