To Do, To Act, To Perform

Where is the Love?
Two levels.
1) Saw J twice today. In class and on the way to lib. The funny thing is, the initial attraction that i've always felt when i see her is inexplicably milder now. Maybe it's coz i refuse to be drawn into a vicious circle of sadness and disappointments when she's already attached. Maybe it's a self-inflicted suppression of emotions on my part. I seem to be pretty good at that. I'm not over her yet. I know that. Yet i refuse to cling on to the possibility that she could be available one day and i would be there for her. It's a long drawn out battle this one, one i can do without right now. I have to confess that despite my earlier preachings, i cant seem to be able to be friends with her. It juz seems to me that with regards to her, i seem to have lost my interest. My original interest of romancing her took a hard fall back to reality. Right now, it's like i dont even want to try and be frenz with her, to take our relationship beyond that of being mere acquaintances. Maybe i'm afraid. Afraid of falling deeper into the vicious circle i talked about earlier. Afraid that my futile attraction for her would blind me to the positivity of other gals. The dilemma that i have right now is, how to be friends with her w/out me and her feeling that tension? That tension which i create when i cant stop picturing her as a target and subsequently which my actions betray. Where is the Love?
2)Being a creature of emotions and sentimentality, the L word seems pretty elusive to me. Maybe i dont feel it even though it's there. Maybe i cant see it coz the other party is not my object of desire and affection. Maybe i'm expecting too much. Maybe i dont even know what it means to love and be loved. Maybe i dont know how to love in the first place. Again, maybes. Someone show me!!!

Alright, enough of bitching about love and its elusiveness. ED sent me a song jus now and it's been in repeat mode ever since. The lyrics struck a chord in me.

Disguise

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can't show them that you're weak
Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
You feel far from good
Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being
Somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Are you waiting for the day
when your pain will disappear
when you know that it's not true
what they say about you
you could not care less about the things
surrounding you
ignoring all the voices from the walls

I want to be able to be honest with myself and with others. Again, i cant seem to do it. Everyday is a test of my ability to carry off the facade of nonchalance that i put up. Not that it is not genuine or anything. It is juz that i keep showing only this nonchalant side of me to everybody. Everytime. I dont like to show my weakness. Think it's a male thing. Pride and all. I keep telling myself, someday someone will come along and i will then have no need for all these pretence and facades. I can be whoever i am and do whatever i want and say anything i feel like. Right now, with a level of sanity, i can safely say that i'm dreaming yet again. Why wait? Why wait for that someone to come along? Who knows when that someone will apprear? Do i want to keep on waiting? Or is destiny in my own hands? Or i am that someone i've been waiting? It is sad u know, to be half of someone who u know u can be.
Well, there's no need to despair for me. At least, i know i can be honest to a certain extent right here, on this blog. I dont care who reads this. I dont bother if u think highly or badly of me.
Or do I?
The ambiguity and capriciousness of a human mind.
My warped mind.