Nice guy

Been very busy these few days,
Which is highly unusual for a bummer of my calibre.
Euro and Arts camp preparations are taking the life out of me.
I can prepare to fall ill anytime.
Right now,
I'm unshaven,
With deep dark eyebags,
Skinnier from missing breakfast and lunch,
Pimples from midnight patronages of Al Amin and Fong Seng,
Unfit from the lack of weekly dosages of soccer games,
Intellectually disabled,
By 'seeing' only in figures...
Even though i've been winning $,
My heart's shrouded in a mist of gloom.
Swirls of guilt engulfed my mind for the majority of the day.
Like the saying goes (in chinese),
"You win in love matters,
And you'll fail in your gambles."
And so i've been winning most of the time in soccer-betting,
Which translates into a prophetic failure in matters of the heart.
So much for the 'tao hua'(cherry blossom) that dropped on my lap during a haircut.
So much for me being installed as joint favourite with Edwin,
7/4 are the odds i think,
To be the next in line to leave the Lonely Hearts Club.
Oh well,
For all of you who are thinking of placing a bet on me,
Donate your $,
Coz i can assure you that i wont be.
I've juz gotten out of a tricky and potentially flammable situation,
With only guilt etched in my mind.
I've been inappropriate and insensitive.
However,
By trying to rescind this guilt of mine,
I've found out something new about myself.
How do i put it?
I desired to be liked.
I want my reputation to precede me.
How hypocritical and how real am i?
Vanity? Pride? Ego?
I always want to be seen and judged in the best possible light,
Which simply means that i would want the best for others,
By offering my services and efforts,
And by subduing my natural inclinations to serve Self.
And the unhappiness that has plagued me for such length,
Seems to stem from this observation.
So it seems to me that i am mis-placing my priorities.
I'm far from being altruistic.
And here i am putting people's judgments of me,
On a higher plane than my own very happiness.
"Ask and you shall have"
I've always thought that if someone wanted to give,
They would do so sincerely,
And there's no need for me to ask.
So far,
Over 20 plus years,
This belief has failed to serve its master.
Yet i stubbornly stuck by it,
And endured being tortured by subsequent unhappiness and disappointments.
Obviously there's a need for balance,
As in most situations.
But i continue to be tilted.
A pendulum that has forgotten to swing back.
So far,
I've slammed myself for being
Guilt-ridden,
Insensitive and inappropriate,
Hypocritical and unreal,
Vain proud egoistical,
Priority mis-management,
Stubborn to a fault.
How can anyone with all these 'qualities',
Be given odds of 7/4 to get attached anytime soon?
And no,
I'm not low on self-esteem or confidence,
The opposite really,
I'm buzzing from an over-dose of the above two.
But i need to give myself timely reminders,
That i am not perfect,
Not invincible,
Not a winner everytime,
Not the man i want to be yet,
Not living a dream,
Not the dream,
Not others' dream.
I think about how much i know,
And i recoil in fear,
Over how much i dont know,
And how much of what i think i know,
Is in fact misplaced perceptions,
That i dont really have a clue,
And i'm in La-la land still.
I blame my unhappiness on others,
Without thinking about the faults of mine,
Which far surpasses any apparent faults of others.
I need to master Self.
I need to be true.
Can i do it alone?
Or would someone else lessen this burden?
Maybe it has always been a puzzle designed to be pieced by Self,
And not Others.
Happened to be listening to Elton's Sacrifice right now,
And i think: How apt!!!

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns