Baby Goldfish

As I listened,
The familiarity of memories;
Those sweet moments,
The nostalgia of wind-swept brush,
The churn of first times,
That electric suspense,
Oscilliating between tense hearts,
Finally culminating in a stolen kiss.
I listened still.
I remembered still,
Lingering sensations,
Soothing scents,
Hazy eyes,
Dreamy faces,
Mushroomy hair...
I smiled.
It hasnt been all smooth and saccharine,
Yet with every passionate outbursts,
I feel the strengthening of emotions,
Of bonds and links,
For the tempered calm after the storm,
Promises a brighter tomorrow.
There's so much I cant promise,
But all that I can,
I'll pledge,
With all my heart.
Rainy days,
Sunny days,
Mundane days,
Busy days,
Boring days,
Irritating days,
Bad days,
Bad hair days,
Mondays,
Birthdays,
Special days,
Everyday...
It doesnt matter one bit what day it is,
It matters that you are by my side,
For it's hard to smile without you.

Can't smile without you, Barry Manilow

You know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you.
You came along just like a song and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream.
Now it all seems light years away,
And now you know I can't smile without you,
I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see,
I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I"m going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.

Coming to writing

In the beginning,
I adored.
What I adored was human.
Not persons;
Not totalities,
Not defined and named beings.
But signs.
Flashes of being that glanced off me,
Kindling me.
And the sign withdrew.
Vanished.
While I burned on,
And consumed myself wholly.
What had reached me,
So powerfully cast from a human body,
Was Beauty:
There was a face,
With all the mysteries inscribed,
And preserved on it;
I was before it.
I sensed that there was a beyond,
To which I had access,
An unlimited place.
The look incited me,
And also forbade me to enter;
I was outside,
In a state of animal watchfulness.
A desire was seeking its home.
I was that desire.
I was the question.
The question with this strange destiny:
To seek,
To pursue the answers that will appease it,
That will annul it.
What prompts it,
Animates it,
Makes it want to be asked,
Is the feeling that somewhere,
Once it is through the door,
There is the face that promises,
The answer for which one continues to move onward,
Because of which one can never rest,
For the love which one holds back from renouncing,
From giving in
-to death.
Yet,
What misfortune if the question should happen to meet its answer!
Its end!

Faith

In this dark room,
Save an insignificant light,
Spins a ceiling fan.
I pretended to sleep.
The Other,
Not so.
In this guise,
My mind spun.
A broken promise,
Weighed down all happy hours.
The room seemed darker.
It felt empty.
I felt empty.
In light's absence,
I faltered.
In faith's absence,
I stumbled.
In this broken promise,
I despaired.
The fan still spins.
Nothing changed.
Save an insignificant part of my heart - my faith.

Marathon

I completed my first marathon,
In 5 hours.
Not bad for one who didnt really train for it at all.
SW was saying we should train harder for next year's one.
Me and Jase juz shot him looks that said:
We should just train for it,
Not harder.
Now my body's aching,
My legs' seizing up every few mins,
My head's heavy,
I'll feel thirsty every half an hour,
And abrasions in areas which i shant mention.
Lucky i had nipple tapes on.
Of coz i found out a few little known facts from this marathon,
And during the course of it.
1) Do not look down on the average aunties who carries a shopping bag,
For i was overtaken by so many aunties (and uncles) en-route to the finishing line,
That i lost count.
I still remembered when the first female ran past me,
I gritted my teeth and overtook her,
But it was a very futile effort,
For she simply blew me away in the next 1 km.
2)I have never had such delight and happiness,
By juz catching sights of bananas.
After eating one,
Me and Jase held the other in our hands so tightly,
For fear of losing it,
Over the next couple of Kilometers.
Nevermind that the bananas werent ripe.
Nevermind that it's bitter and sour.
Nevermind that it refuse to be peeled.
I almost wanted to eat it skin and all.
3)Two kilometres never seemed so far away,
For I'm only motivated by the drinks stations every 2 km,
Where i can stop and walk a bit,
And gobble up my water.
But i needed to run fucking long and hard to complete just 2 km.
And that's how i finished my marathon.
2 km at a time.
4)I didnt realise how fast the kenyan runers were,
As they passed me on their return leg,
Till i took another 2 hours to get to the same location where i last saw them,
Which made me empathize with this guy,
Who was carrying a huge float and walking 42km for charity or something,
For i saw him at the 20+ km mark,
While i was halfway thru my 30+ km.
5)All sorts of thoughts went through my mind throughout the 42km.
The bananas, powergels, water, glucose and cute girls kept my body going.
Thoughts of people dear and close kept my mind going.
I felt like giving up every step of the way during the 20+ km mark,
For I cant feel my legs,
And they felt so so heavy.
I felt like crossing a divide of bushes that seperated the return leg from the one that I'm on.
But integrity kept me on the stipulated route.
6)A marathon is fucking shiong.
It reminded me of the toughest periods of my NS life,
Where my body was tested to the limits,
And my mind was in a constant struggle whether to juz give up and seek that much needed rest,
At the expense of pride and integrity.
This said,
It was a challenge I'll take up again next year.
And the year after.
And the year after.
I will try to keep less aunties from over-taking me the next time.
I will try to better my timing.
I will try to have more fun along the way.
And of coz.
I will train for it,
Hopefully,
But knowing me,
I'll juz reason:
Why train when you juz ran a marathon without training?
Well....
That's the befuddling nature of my mind.
And last of all,
Thanx Jase,
For keeping me sane throughout the 42km.

Dystopia

Juz read a simply brillant piece on dystopia.
http://chronicle.com/free/v51/i15/15b01001.htm
Muz read.
Seriously.
Ok.
I'm exaggerating.
One more paper to go.
Holiday beckons.
Admitedly,
I havent really studied with any consistency at all.
Yet i'm pretty optimistic for my eventual grades.
A little optimism wont kill,
Would it?

Bittersweet symphony

The after-rain mirrors my mind.
The torrent ends,
But it takes much longer to dry,
For remnants to leave.
It is not without a trace they leave,
For memory of the rain lingers on,
Haunting me everytime it pours again.
It's such a good time,
To feel sad and melancholic,
For the mist permits me so.
It hides the vulnerable part of me,
From prying eyes and sensitive souls.
Yet i want solace and comfort,
From trusty hearts,
To remind me I'm not alone,
And that I wont be.
It is on this new path,
That I seemed to have left people behind,
At the crossroads.
It didnt cross my mind,
Till I encountered rough patches.
What does this then make me?
One who forgets those who had been there for him,
Whenever the sun shines?
One who deceives himeslf,
That he embodies "For better or worse",
But in fact is far from it?
One who gets caught up in his own little web,
And forgets that the rest of the world,
Still spins?

I see in every faceless passer-by,
A blur hue of colours;
Images and shadows of you.
I drank that strong bitter coffee,
And it tasted bland.
I was more bitter.
With a throbbing head,
I stumbled home,
And seeked that plush bed of mine.
Bitterness had melted away,
For anger and vindictiveness,
Do not drive out bitterness,
Nor do they make things right again.
It is love that does so.

In the early morning sun
With a backpack on my back....
(whatz the next line?)

Less than 7 hrs to my 1st paper,
And still a stack of notes not revised,
I'm officially screwed.
In trying to get my sleeping habits back on track,
i.e. Sleep at night and wake in the morning,
I've found myself feeling sleepy ever so often,
And yawning incessantly,
Any time of the day(and night).
Sigh.....
Hope the questions dont screw me up big time.....
*crosses fingers and toes*
Yah lah,
And here I am acting cute.
Gawd!!!!!
I attribute it down to exams blues,
Or rather one who knows his trip to the gallows is inevitable.

Filtered sunshine

After one whole night of studying,
Or rather a couple hours of studying,
(Rest of the time consisted of crapping, eating air, and playing mastermind)
I am here,
At Temasek,
Winding down,
Crinkling against the glare,
Of thoughts and reflections,
That filtered through slanted blinds,
Riding on the rays,
That seemed to want me to see.
I had seen,
Some time ago,
But i had pushed into the recess of my mind,
These disturbing insights.
As i read,
I felt that remoteness,
That despair of one,
Who has had a taste,
But only a taste of what bliss is all about.
Long not,
For all bliss will come,
To the one who always believe,
To the one who always seems to miss out,
To the one who is always helpful,
Who sees in others,
What he wants for himself.
I'll say:
Look not into others' mirrors,
But into your soul,
On why failure seems to seek you.
Let your soul be your inquisitor,
And you the defendant.
Let you be honest with only yourself,
For it is time to stop pretending,
Even to your own soul.
Be the pattern of all patience,
For you are better off than Lear,
Who only saw on his deathbed.
Sometimes,
There are paths less travelled,
Words not spoken,
Emotions unexhibited,
People not met,
And love not found,
Yet.
What's gone,
Just let them go,
Away with the ebbing of time,
And into the the realm of emotional photographs.
Longing for what's lost,
And imagining what might have been,
Serves only to blind you,
To the multitude of opportunities,
Of acquaintances,
Of conversations,
Of unfamiliar emotions,
Of new waters.
Let loneliness,
Not encapture you in its grim grasp,
But rather,
Let bygones,
Meander down,
To the a place,
Where all things past reside in solace.
Rather than trying to capture,
Ephemeral rays of sunlight;
Bask in their warmth and glory and transience,
And marvel at all that colourful experience,
And let them go,
For if sunlight is to retain its beauty and enigmatic qualities,
It muz be free and unbounded,
And most of all,
Temporary.

In anticipation of an old friend (who never came)


On this night,
I lost sleep,
Among other things,
More worthy than sweet Lullaby.
A promise is meant to to be kept,
Despite many discontented silences.
Old and forgotten emotions flood back.
All that i did not want to experience,
Reacquainted;
Just like in old times.
I wont insist that you stay.
It is with much reluctance
And doubts that I sent you off.
No.
I am not sad.
Just that ache,
That empty ache
Of loneliness,
Loneliness that one has to bear,
Ocassionally;
For no one can accompany me,
Forever.
Yes.
I understand that.
I accept that.
Still,
Loneliness accompanies
Me.
Swift and fleeting.

I will not give up!!!

Some things are just so cruel,
Some paths just dont lead to that door,
Some games are such that you dont have to win,
Some rewards dont come from the final goal,
But from the process.

Happy Rainy Day

A dear baby goldfish has made my day with
Such thoughtfulness,
Such lovingly-wrapped packages,
Such sweet notes,
Such pretended anger,
Such coy pouts.
Ah...
Iridescent happiness...

It has not been the best of weeks,
With essays due on the 1st, 2nd, 4th and 5th,
Insufficient time to do adequate research,
And of coz the usual lack of motivation to start early.
These said,
Next week will be my hell week,
But I'm pretty sure everything will turn out fine.
I'm feeling fluish right now,
And that's coz i decided to take a slow stroll in the drizzle home,
Wrapped tightly in my jacket,
Halds in pockets,
Whistling a joyful tune.
Seeing clarity through shards of raindrops,
I rejoiced!!!
For the rainbow that's bound to appear after the rain.

The vanity of self-love

Sometimes i think i'm a bit of a narcissist.
Anyone wanna concur with me?
Or maybe i'm a vainpot as labelled by someone?

Emaciated

Today,
On my way home,
Someone i know,
Mentioned in passing,
That i look emaciated.
Once safely at home,
My dad commented that i'm damn skinny now.
Told me to look in the mirror and recognise the skeleton.
Sigh......
Am i really that skinny?
Maybe i've really lost weight.
It's been some time since i last weighed myself,
And i havent been working out dutifully.
The funny part about all this?
Most people who noticed that i 'look' skinnier,
Seem to draw their conclusions from my supposedly more protruding cheekbone.
Is a tauter cheekbone/face really a compelling sign of weight loss?
*double sigh*
I did look long and hard into the mirror,
And the eyes that looked back seem listless.
A little jaded and cynical and passionless.
And i'm all bones,
And lifeless.
It'll be exaggerating to say that i dont recognise myself in the mirror,
But i've gotta admit,
It's really hard to see oneself,
Literally.
Maybe my topsy turvy sleeping habits is catching up with me.
All those late nights,
Arent doing my well-being a whole deal of good.
I should get to bed now.
Sleep beckons.

A twitch

My right eye has been twitching the whole day,
So whoever that's been cursing me,
Please come and tell me straight in the face,
About your displeasure of me,
And i'll see that you'll leave as a satisfied customer.
But of coz,
The twitching could be coz of my lack of sleep,
Or the fact that i usually have my contacts on for more than half the day.
Anyway,
I'm feeling the heat.
So many assignments and projects to complete...
Played terribly on Sat,
Though it was a good experience.
Shall try again next sem.
For now,
My eyes desperately crave sleep.

A defence

I guess it must really take something pretty solid(and flawed),
To cajole me out of my inertia,
To finally blog some opinions again.
Was chatting with F juz now,
And a casual comment opened up a pandora's box of conflicting theories,
Of which i will try my best to explore.
"My best friend thinks I treat her better than her bf"
(Note: F is female)
Hmmm, here comes the tricky bit.
A lot of times,
Girls tend to think guys dont know how to treat them well.
Of coz we dont know!!!
We're guys, for heaven's sake!!!
We 're not biologically and emotionally attuned to understanding women and what makes them tick,
All our supposed truths are juz fallacies of some supposed few who think they've succeeded,
In understanding women and how best to treat them,
And thus those poor majority of a bunch of clueless but sincere guys,
Me included,
Are derided as copycats or stale in our approaches,
As we attain our meagre knowledge in Treating Women the Right way,
In as nonchalant a manner as possible,
Coz of our conflicting ego and pride,
From hearsays, movies, and other mediums.
The thing is,
Is there anything original still?
I havent gotten to my main point of debate yet.
F treats her gal friend(let's call her D; D for dissatisfied) better than D's bf,
Or so it seems to D anyway.
I'm being as objective as possible here,
Since i know neither D nor D's bf.
My defence of Men thus begins......
To a girl,
It's inevitable that there will arise occasions for comparisons,
And it's inherent for a girl(I'm not being sexist here) to want to compare.
However,
The comparison of her best friend's treatment of her and her bf's treatment of her,
Isnt on a level plane.
For one,
The best friend probably knows her much longer than her poor bf.
Which is thus logical for best friend to know how to treat D better.
Secondly,
They are of the same gender,
Of which her bf doesnt qualify by the mere existence of something that hangs between his legs.
(Of coz i'm simplifying here)
Women tend to understand their fellow species better isnt it!?
Thirdly,
To D it seems that her bf doesnt treat her as well as she would have liked,
Or not in the manner that she desires.
However,
Has she ever thought that her bf has already tried to the best of his abilities,
To treat her well in the manner that he knows how?
What matters is the intention and sincerity and love, is it not?
It's not as if he didnt try.
(I'm hypothesizing that he does love her and tries to treat her well genuinely)
So is he at fault if his methods do not concur with her desires?
To me,
I feel as long as the heart is true,
The methods arent half as important.
Of coz,
Disgruntled women out there would disagree:
"If he truly loves us, then wouldnt he try to learn to treat us the way we want them to?"
For their defence,
I would like to counter-question:
"Then it is from whom that we ask,
To understand that we men can probably never understand women the way they want us to?"
"Then it is from whom that we ask to be treated in the way we want to be treated?"
For if there is giving from one party,
Surely the other party has to reciprocate and give back wat they took,
Even though it can be slightly unequal.
Lastly,
Comparisons usually result in dissatisfaction,
Even though sometimes,
There isnt much to be dissatisfied about anyway.
Funnily,
For all the accusations that's being levelled at men,
For being ignorant, fragile ego-ed, unromantic etc,
Women seem to think that they know exactly what men want.
To them it's pretty simple and obvious:
Men want sex and lots of it in the process.
Sigh......
Again,
For a gender that prides themselves on knowing how to treat men the way we want to be treated,
They seem to seriously over-rate themselves.
For all their misconceptions and assumed superiority of knowledge,
I'll reveal a little of what men really wants but never say/show.

We want love;
Someone for us to love with all our heart,
And love us back in return.
We want understanding;
From someone who means the world to us,
Whose small gesture of understanding would make us undertake even the most difficult of tasks without flinching.
We want encouragement;
We seek encouragement,
For a solitary word of support and confidence,
Can bring us back from the brink of no return,
To start over anew,
To be the man that we all dream of being without the fear of failing.
We want belief;
For someone to believe in us,
For us to cling on to when the whole world turn their backs on us,
When everyone doubts us.
We want faith;
Faith that things will turn out well eventually,
Even when the going gets tough.
Faith from a cherished one,
Can split the red sea thousands of times over.
We want someone who is willing to sacrifice for us;
However small that sacrifice may be,
We would then know of her love in return,
And be willing to sacrifice more for her well-being.
We want someone who tries genuinely to make us happy;
For if we can suppress our happiness,
And try means and ways to make a girl happy,
Then we(as humans are),
Would want to be treated the same way as well,
For who doesnt want to be happy?
Happiness can come without the girl trying,
By just loving and being together,
However that girl has to be one whom we can be happy with.
We want sex.
Lot of it.
Nuff said.

And to my beam of sunshine,
Who is a bit sickly now,
Cheer up!!!
We'll go have some fun tomorrow.

Maybe that's why they called it the blues

It's been such a long long time since i last posted.
I'm at a loss as to why it is the case.
Maybe it's coz i have nothing important to say.
Maybe i dont want to to say anything.
Maybe there hasnt really been extreme emotional upheavals,
Which usually contribute to my introspections.
Anyway,
I have 5 essays due in the next few weeks,
Coupled with several more urgent projects and presentations,
And on top of that,
I'm starting to feel the stress of the impending exams,
Which obviously isnt aided by my NTU friends who are already mugging for their papers.
This time round,
My exam strategy will not be to read every single possible articles, notes and whatnots,
Which is evidently futile if nothing surfaces during the exam itself.
Instead, I'll most probably contend myself with writing outlines and timed-essays.
Of coz, in order to do so most efficiently,
I'll still need a basic grasp of concepts and examples and theories,
Plus an extensive knowledge of topics in which i'll try to specialize in.
On a good note,
Arts Open on saturday.
Cant wait to play competitive soccer,
Since RECCOS probably wont be playing this sunday due to exams.
I really hope i have the strength of mind to push through all the possible distractions,
That would definitely crop up with exams nearing.

Lacking in abundance

Ambition
Determination
Lacks me

Strained

I'm feeling the strains,
The weights of a multitude of Nothings,
Which on a good day,
I could've easily swept away,
With a flick of my head.
Unfortunately,
They ambushed me on a not-so-good day.
I shall just grin and bear it,
For their desire to get me down,
Isnt stronger than my refusal to be pulled into an abyss,
Of despair and melancholy.
For once,
I shall try to lose myself,
Immersed in my readings,
Of grandiose ideologies and revolutions.

Whatnots

Ice-skating anyone?
I think it's a pretty good place to go de-stress,
Have some fun,
And land on your bums.
Went the other day with P,
And it felt good,
To bask in all the nostalgias:
The rubbish pop songs,
The Ah Bengs who never seem to face extinction,
The Ah Lians who ensures the survival of the Ah Beng species,
The deliciously chilly air,
The unstable and unsure steps,
The thrill in knowing I might have a hard fall the next second,
And of coz,
Holding a gal's hand.
All these make for a good lazy afternoon out.
I'll be going back again man.
My mum finally decided it's time to get mooncakes.
I've been dying to eat mooncakes,
Ever since people have been talking about it.
That's like weeks!!!
And here i am,
Weeks later,
Nibbling on a small piece,
And feeling contented.
It doesnt take much to make me happy,
Or contented for that matter.
It only takes a bit of effort and time,
In learning about me and my idiosyncrasies.
I really should start on my studying,
Of which i've put off doing for quite a few weeks.
I'm hopelessly lagging in readings,
And pressurised by impending deadlines for essays.
I'm sure most people i know see similarities here.
I was asked whether i'm a Responsible person the other day,
That context was "In a relationship".
In short, it meant committment.
And i said yes.
The question i've been asking myself lately,
Is why cant i replicate this apparent responsibility,
Into my life and studies?
Isnt it all too ironic?
I'm befuddled.
Sometimes we just need to ask the right questions.
Other times, we still need the right answers.
Right.....
This sounds like a wisecrack from Seng.
God!
I'm enlightened!!!
I think i've always asked this question,
And not seemingly have a hint of an idea,
Of how the answer goes.
And it aint as easy as 'Look into yourself' kinda crap.
Maybe i should take baby steps,
Instead of trying to find a grand answer immediately.

Another Furby classic

A calm cool ordinary evening.
Right after dinner.
Mum slicing some pears she bought.
Dad eating pear.
Dog hopping up and down in cage,
Like a bunny in heat.
Me, an interested observer.

Dad: Furby... Apple... (holding up a piece of pear)
Dog(saliviating): Woof!!
Dad(dangles pear teasingly): Apple...
Sis(indiganantly): That's not an apple lah. Can you tell him the correct names!? You are making my dog stupid.
Dad(in retort): I've been teaching him all fruits are called "Apple". I've even showed it a piece of banana and told him it's an apple.
Sis: Wah lau!!! You are making him stupid. He's very intelligent one. I'm sure he'll recognise all the different fruit names.
Dog: (munching happily on a piece of 'apple'(pear actually)

I'm so tickled by all these that i almost choked on the water i was having. My thoughts on this is: Furby definitely cant be bothered with names of fruits. He has such a keen sense of smell that he doesnt need names to tell him there's yummy stuff available for him to get a munch. Of coz, the dog is smart. But sometimes he's juz plain greedy. No doubt dogs can recognise voices and sounds, but i'm more inclined to believe they rely more on guestures and tone/stress of words than the actual sound of the word itself. And for me, I'll juz contend myself with playing tag with Furby. At least, running will prevent it from getting too fat.

All that she was, is, will be.

confabulation \kon-FAB-yuh-lay-shuhn\, noun:
(Psychology) A plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

A new word that i learnt today. Psychology majors take note.

She

The ceiling fan spun shadows across the room,
Foreshadowing what's to come,
Premeditated but never articulated.
Every crack in the concrete is a regret.
A regret of yesteryears,
Of indolent haste and folly.
Each windowpane reflected back,
A slightly different angle of the room.
Maybe all the change we need and crave,
Is a matter of perspectives.

There she spied a hideous sight,
A rubbery slinky creature of the shadows,
And she screamed.
Ran across his path,
And he crossed the path of her lingering scent.
There is a reason for everything;
The reason for rain is rain.
We should not fear what we do not understand.
Even though the initial fear is attenuated,
The memory continue to ameliorate the doubts.

Though dead tired,
She realized she is still alive.
The mirror is her only friend;
It mouths the words she wants to hear,
Yet never speaks.
"One is growing up repeatedly."
Sometimes we doubt ourselves,
And all our past decisions,
Yet somehow we forge on,
Resigned or willingly.

Vision determines the view.
The solemn flickering effects,
Of not knowing what you're doing,
Is all too familiar.
No one is absolutely certain.
Nothing is undeniably infallible.
We shouldnt be too hard on ourselves.
A gentle tease,
Might lift that fog,
And reveal a timely rainbow.

Unseen and just heard,
Makes it all hard to remember.
Confabulation and figments,
Dictates all that transpired.
Let's just say that every possibility waits,
For that opportune moment,
One merely has to turn around in order to see.
"What might be?"
It's Present unfolds a Future,
Irreducibly imperceptible.

Like the life of a child.

Life is hopelessly frayed,
All loose ends.
When we see lightning,
We wait for thunder.

Pretty is as pretty does.
And so is she.

A different kind of day

I cant believe it's been 10 days since i last blogged!
Goodness!
What have i been doing!?
Well......
When one is too caught up with what Life has to offer,
He might not find adequate energies to reflect nor ruminate.
Of which i certainly think applies to my case.
It's not that i havent been thinking much lately,
But rather i've been living it on a day by day basis,
And a day's introspections do get slowly buried,
By layers of incessant multiple thoughts and pre-occupations,
And washed over by new waves of emotions for good measure.
Thus, when night beckons,
My mind starts to blank out and panic,
For the days seem to flit past,
Like hornets on a mission.
I only see blurry images,
Hear only faint voices.
However, the warmth in my heart cannot be denied.
Thus it is with this reassurance that i clasp close,
And confronts another similar day.
For starters,
Today is a different kind of day.
Not earth-shattering but glorious nevertheless.
It all begun with my dad offering to send me all the way to school,
Even though he's not obligated,
And i wasnt damn late.
But that wasnt the fun part.
He tried to have a daddy's conversation with me,
About relationships and marriage.
I muz say i was pleasantly surprised,
Though i admit i hid it pretty well under my usual facade of nonchalance.
His 1st serious chat about relationship with me in 22 years.
It's little wonder i found it pretty hard to keep a straight face.
No doubt there were hints of conservatism which i have no predilections for,
But his advice was as usual,
Impeccable and timeless.
The next thing that he could do to further shock me,
Would be a discussion on the birds and bees.
Haha...
Now that would make my day.
And at least 6 years late at that.
Of coz, if all is jolly and dandy with loved ones,
Then that would usually translate into a day of fluffy floating dandelions,
And of secret seraphic smiles in one's spirits.
Today's one of those.
They dont come by all the time.
But when they do pop by,
It'll be good to be able to recognize them,
And grasp hold before they dissolve into the inner recesses of memory.
Ah well, it's approaching 3.15am.
Time for me to honour my promise.

SAF- The DARK side

These are so f**king hilarious that i'll think it an injustice,
To fellow buggers who've been thru NS and know how f**ked up their system is,
If i didnt post them,
And give these like-minded people a good laugh.
And please dont send me to DB,
It's only harmless.
Unless there's guilt and admittance to the captions below.
Then i shall be persecuted willingly,
But need to write reports if i am indeed charged.
Ah...
Decisions decisions...

For F**k!?

AWOL

Chao Keng x2

Extras

Chao Keng

Space

And here i am,
Propping these inexorable pangs,
Upon frail shoulders.
Who's shoulders?
Slumbery lethargy seeps in,
My body falls at the first hurdle.
My mind suspends on.
Caught in a moment,
The domain that separates 'Yes' and 'No',
The silence slides awkwardly.
Arrogance?
The passing silence slides on.
I'm not invincible.
Mere mortal.
I read.
Conspired.
All that are burdensome,
Away with you!
Come drift with me.
To forbidden woodlands,
Where wandering is a lost joy.
I try too hard.
Much too hard.
Signs that were so clear and simple,
To those who knew them,
Yet so trifling to grasp,
By the uninitiated.
I am the uninitiated.
We all need space.

Beneath this line,
Is

Speak, Memories

Suddenly felt an urge to write.
It's more of inspiration actually.
Tonight was the 1st night i actually got down,
To some serious thinking about my tutorial question.
So i'm feeling accomplished on top of other euphoria-s.
I cant help but admit that 'Contented' is the word to describe me nowadays.
I look at things differently,
Not rose-tinted,
But with a discerning eye,
And an attitude of 'I'm-so-satisfied-with-my-life-currently-and-I-cant-be-bothered-about-wat-you-think-of-me' to match.
Of coz i do fret and worry about the readings that i need to catch up on,
But that's a purely academic concern.
My physical health is in pretty good shape,
Though i'm still as skinny,
But i can run fast.
Yah, like it's a redeeming factor....
Anyway, emotional and mental health are bursting right now.
I cant ask for more.
It's like having an ice-cream on a hot hot day,
Like buying that *whatever* i've been eyeing for ages,
Like being treated like a prince(ss) on an ordinary day.
You dont feel like wanting anything else,
Or anything more for that matter,
Just to be left alone,
To savour that delectable delirium,
That leaves every word, every sight, every sound, every smell,
Weightless.
Yet memories arent so weightless.
They arent so intangible.
A sigh i heaved,
For all those i left behind,
For this serenity of the mind and soul.
An empty look into the darkness of the night,
I give,
And i exhaled.
I exhaled all those memories that had resided in the far recesses,
The abyss where they dont deserve to be exiled to.
I had merely forgotten,
Albeit for a while.
We cant remember all the time,
Can we?
They seemed surreal.
Are they real?
I cant seem to recapture all the emotions connected to these memories.
I cant seem to re-enact them in my mind.
Jerky, insipid, loose images.
No words nor sounds nor emotions.
Against the crimson-ness of my inner eyelids,
I cant master them anymore,
For they do not heed my call nor appeal.
I seemed to have lost a part of my Past.
An important segment that made me who i am today.
Is contentment built on past anguish?
Probably not.
Is my contentment built on my past anguish?
Perhaps.
How else would i appreciate what i hold today?
Have i lost touch with people?
People who meant something to me at a given space and time.
Have i forsaken them?
Maybe i have.
Forgive me dear friends,
For i have been caught up in a moment,
A moment i never dared dream of,
Where i wish to be suspended, alone,
In my little web of smiles and intimacy.
Those memories i speak of,
Yet refused to speak to me,
They werent lost nor exiled,
Merely locked up,
In the many figments and compartments,
Where memories so often sojourn,
In wait of a revival.

Marathon

The bummer and slacker,
Who owns this blog,
Has gone ahead,
And signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon,
On 5th Dec.
*applause please*
http://www.singaporemarathon.com/2004/index.html
For like-minded crazy people, like me,
You all can sign up at this link.
It's been probably a year since i last ran any distance covering more than 20km,
Yet this time round,
I've decided to run a marathon.
I've never ran 42km before in my entire life,
And i do consider it an ambitious project.
I'm not sure if my aging legs could carry me that far anyway.
Of coz i have to thank Timmy for making it possible for me to participate.
But why him?
It's a secret between the two of us.
*hints to Tim that he better not reveal anything lest he loses his precious jewels*
Anyway, as i was saying,
There is a reason why i'm running this marathon.
I juz wanna push myself physically to the limits,
But of coz,
I wanna improve my personal discipline as well.
How better to do so,
Than paying $35 to run a marathon when one is pretty broke?
Now i'll have a very good reason to stop procrastinating my sporadic desires to jog.
I have 3 months to train for it,
Which would require hell lots of discipline,
With my exams finishing only on 1st Dec(i think).
So Jase,
You can start bugging me to train together with you,
Since we are running together on that day,
And you better not 'fly aeroplane' and run with someone else.
I just saw the map,
And my word,
It's freaking long.

Route map of Marathon

Fading Ennui

Yes.
It's been long.
Far too long.
Days of ennui robbed me of any will to write,
And even thinking about matters is such a tall order.
Even right now,
I feel as if i have nothing substantial to say.
Nothing at all.
Nothing comes out of nothing.
And of coz the CW is slowly grinding to a halt.
Slowly but surely.
Think i shall try to jump-start my brain,
To start ingesting all those lengthy and fustian readings.
Restlessness.
Such lassitude.
I need a spark.

A man more sinned against than sinning

That line above sums up everything.
Maybe it doesnt reflect the totality and actuality of the situation,
But it does reflect my inner tempest and turmoil right now.
Ah...
King Lear,
How well i know thy feelings...
Isnt it sad.
So sad.
When one says something,
Another has a choice to decide whether to believe or not.
But with regards to people whom you have shared your entire life with,
Twenty-two bloody years,
People who supposedly knows me inside out,
And are able to read me like a book,
Yet,
They chose to distrust.
To immediately assume otherwise,
To jump to conclusions,
Without even talking to me.
Isnt it oh so sad.
It is also damn insulting.
A bloody travesty of my integrity and my personality.
Misplaced faith is still alright.
However,
To immediately assume that i'm a two-timing jerk is not.
It's an insult to all that i have stood for.
A transgression of my belief and value of Loyalty and Fidelity.
Too bad for me then.
I cant help it.
How strong are my family ties then?
How thick is blood then?
Surely not stronger nor thicker than trust in a passing stranger.
I find it very saddening.
It is a big blow to me.
Family i thought i could rely on,
In whatever trying circumstances,
Chose to doubt me,
Without much hesitation.
Without even a hint of a discussion with me.
A sentimentalist has juz bitten the dust.
Gone are the times when he believed with all his heart,
That nothing is insurmountable for ties bonded by blood.
Gone.
With this single stroke.
A stroke that pushed him to the abyss of cynicism.
He emerged defiant,
But disillusioned and jaded.
He lives in perpetual shrouds of gloom and distrust,
Preferring the empty shell than believing again.
I'm not yet this man.
I dont want to be this man.
This sad sad man.
And i can only hope.
That the storms are indeed ephemeral,
And the sun will shine eventually,
For trust to bloom again.
Yet for all that i hope,
I remain stubborn.
I refuse to pander to their conservatism and distrust.
It's their problem to deal with.
If they cant deal with it,
Then too bad.
It's their loss.
I'm sounding bitter,
But i hate injustice.
Do not expect me to accomodate.
There's no room for even a tinge of compromise here.
For there is no trust in the first place.
Then what else is left?
I need sleep.
Sweet slumbery sleep.
Balm of nature.
Hold me safe and tight,
In your trusty embrace.

Unbearable Sadness of Being

I blog again.
At 4 am.
In this anguish,
I write again.
In this despair,
I try again.
I cant master words and thoughts right now,
Neither can i control this sadness,
This unbearable sadness.
Anguish
Bleakness.
Disconsolateness.
Despondence.
Melancholy.
Misery.
Moodiness.
Sorrow.
Woefulness.
These nine words are yet inadequate,
To describe the complete sadness that i am feeling.
Family,
The boulders that will stand the test of Time,
The faith that keeps one sane,
Is against me.
How i wail against this injustice!
This empty injustice!
I always believe,
When the whole world doesnt believe in me anymore,
My family would still trust me,
And keep faith in me,
And love me,
For who i am.
Yet right now,
They are angry and upset with me,
For something i'm not even guilty of,
Without even discussing with me,
Without facts nor evidence,
Mere assumptions.
Is it really that simple?
One is wrong,
And others right?
Are things really what they seem?
Or do we need to pry open what the surface conceals?
I've explained myself,
Albeit in words.
How much of it gets through is anyone's guess.
How much longer will i be misunderstood,
Isnt up to my discretion.
I only hope.
I only pray.
That the truth will prevail.
That sorrow brings forth strength.
I heave a sigh.
An inexorable sigh.
A sigh of great distress.
I need no sympathy.
I need no concern.
I need no kind words.
What i need is thus.
Trust.
Faith.
Belief.
Is it that hard?
To get these from people who matter to me?
From people dear and close.
All i ask is such.
Trust me when i promise.
Place your faith in me when suspicion arises.
Believe in me when everyone else dont.
I think the above are necessary ingredients in any relationships.
Yet somehow,
Right now,
I feel that i'm lacking all these from people.
From people who mean the world to me.
Yet to them,
I'm not their world.
I'm not.
It's such an empty feeling.
So empty that neither sorrow nor despair have any space,
To inflict emotional upheveals.
So empty that it makes emptiness so incredibly large,
That it fills one up,
And leave no space for anything else.
For the first time,
In such a long while,
I actually feel like crying.
Yet tears cant flow forth,
Coz the emptiness pervades everything,
Every emotion,
Every thought,
Every blink.
Everything.
I'm crumbling,
Against this relentless onslaught of skepticism and suspicion.
If my words arent good enough,
If my actions dont prove enough,
Then what good am i?
How much do i matter?
Why then should i believe in relationships and love?
For what i believe in,
Doesnt believe in me.
For what i stood for,
Doesnt stand by me.
For whom i trust,
Doesnt trust me back.
For whom i place my faith in,
Doesnt reciprocate.
What then is there for me?
Where else will i find what i seek?
Pray tell me.
Pray tell.
I beg.
Pray tell.

Misunderstood

Yeah.
That's what i'm feeling now.
Maybe it's coz i didnt bother to communicate clearly in the 1st place.
Maybe it's coz people like to jump to conclusions.
Maybe it's coz people like to assume.
Maybe-s.
But coming from my own family,
It hurts.
Big time
Oh boy.
I hate to be accused wrongly.
I hate people to jump straight into conclusions,
Without much comprehension of situations.
I hate injustice.
Obviously it's hard to see one's flaws.
It's even harder to admit one is wrong.
But dont we juz have to see both sides,
To make a fair judgement?
I feel that i've already been sentenced without being given a chance to defend myself.
I feel injustice.
Of coz i'm pissed.
But what to do?
I need patience,
And lots of communication.
It's gonna be hard.
It's gonna take a long time.
So it gotta start now.

Intertwined

Words sweet words,
Are you all true,
And unassuming?
Or are you ambiguous?
Neither rain nor shine.
For I strain,
To comprehend,
Every phrase,
Every nuance,
Every inference.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
The lows.
The highs.
How can i not?
Not feel how you feel?
How can i not?
The lows of an ebbing tide.
Exposes all and sundry;
The hidden shells,
Bits of shrouded gems,
All come to light.
I embrace them all,
For they are what i seek:
The innermost trove,
Fiercely guarded,
And most vulnerable.
Find delight in deepest cuts,
Sorrow in unabridged joys.
I might not fully understand,
But i'll be there.
Intertwined.
That's what we are.
That's what i am.
In all your emotions,
Upheaval, serenity,
And everything else.

Peach of a month

Orientation's finally over.
Yeah!
It's been draining.
Still Kormos won best OG.
Yeah! x2
And this has juz sunk in.
The whole thing has been pretty surreal.
With the fluctuating attendances,
I wasnt expecting much,
Only for the freshies to come daily.
So i'm delighted.
And i'm a lil' flu-ish.
And currently a lil' flushed,
From soccer in the morning.
It's such a warm afternoon,
Bearable,
But still it makes me want,
Want to laze the day away.
Maybe a siesta would help.
School's starting,
And i'm lacking one module,
And it irritates me,
Even though i'm pretty sure,
It'll all be corrected come 10th Aug.
Anyway,
My birthday came and went.
Juz like that.
I'm a year older.
Wiser?
I'm not sure.
This year's birthday is a pretty good one,
For me.
For one,
I have people celebrating with me,
And of coz some lovely surprises along the way.
So things are all rosy and pink.
Which i presume is good.
Melancholy,
My trusty night-time companion,
Seems a long long distance away.
And in its place,
I count my blessings.

I know

Vague look in your eyes,
Something is boiling beneath.
The casual goodbye,
An incrimination.
The distant gaze,
Relic that glossed over,
My unwitting staining,
Of immaculate whiteness.
Curved lips,
Across expressionless terrain.
A frown disguised as a smile,
Weak and half-concealed.
Oh! The chill...
The very chill of imagination,
Which seeks much-needed mitigation.
I can read the signs,
But what i want is,
For you to spell forth.
A PhD in asking" Why?",
Doesnt placate nor conciliate.
A knighthood in "I understand" would suffice.
Aint no point just knowing,
Without apprehending the crux.
Pray tell.

Catharsis

Last night,
This time,
I was having a severe mood swing.
Probably caused by the accumulation,
Of pretty small but irritating stuff,
Over the day.
Plus the fact that i'm lacking my much-needed sleep.
The long silent walk around campus,
Made me ruminate a little,
And i asked myself questions.
Questions that i probably could've answered,
If i had dug deeper,
But ultimately did not.
Earlier in the day,
I took my IPPT,
And achieved my Gold,
However,
The overcoming of this physical challenge,
Is tempered by my inablilty to triumph over personal flaws,
Which irks me more than anything else.
The odd melancholy would have lasted throughout the night,
If not for the silent understanding that i received,
The thoughtful sms which i couldnt reply to,
And the smile that dispelled the gloom.
So i'm thankful.
And i'm 'purified'.
Sometimes,
All a man needs is just some encouragements,
And lots of silent understanding.
Other times,
He just needs sex.
In jest i wrote the previous line.
Forgive me,
I couldnt help it.

Innuendoes

Decadence.
Surely that is the word to describe everything about me right now.
Maybe we could throw in 'Indulgence' as well.
Today, I finally defeated the Zzz monster at 4 pm.
Which meant i had super late lunch,
And i wasnt really delighted over the food selections and tastes.
Of coz,
I didnt have anything planned for the rest of the day,
Which might translate into juz bumming around,
Whiling away precious precious time.
Of coz,
If i dig into the deeper recesses of my mind,
I would know that i have bigger things to do than bum around.
One would be to go for a long over-dued jog,
Coz my IPPT is in 2 days time.
Not that it would have made a big difference,
But at least i would know that i have tried,
In vain, for that elusive 400 bucks.
And of coz,
Modules bidding,
Which was screwed up by the entire CORS team and their idiotic system.
Is it anything new?
And i duly gave them a piece of my mind,
About how sucky i think their pretentious system is.
And they replied in kind,
Said they could do nothing over the screw-up.
And poor me could only bid in Round 1c.
This is so irritating.
But i left it at that,
Placing full faith in PS as an obscure major,
Which few students would have any interest in.
Lastly,
I am so super broke.
I think 500 a month is insufficient for me.
It SHOULD be adequate,
But i absolutely have no idea where my $ went.
And of coz,
I have to plan for next month,
And the month after......
Sometimes, the $ issue is driving me nuts.
Other times, I juz cant be bothered.
Like how i'm making plans to watch movies, meet for dinners, coffee etc.
Anyway,
O week's coming.
I cant decide if i'm excited or apprehensive over it.
Maybe it's neither.
I juz cant articulate that tingling feeling,
Not even if it's positive or negative vibes.
Oh, to hell with that.
I'll juz take things as they come.
I'm cool.
What else?
Hmmm......
Oh yah,
I've been having dreams,
Consecutively,
Different,
And consuming.
Dont ask me to elucidate,
Coz i've forgotten most of them,
And the rest are plain embarrassing.
The thing is,
I'm looking into my psyche and inner thoughts,
Trying to find some reasons to explain these dreams,
Which plagued every sleep of mine.
And of coz,
The Subconscious refuses to divulge anything,
Saying i should instead ask the Conscious,
And duly referred me to it.
And of coz the Conscious was flabbergasted,
And entertained me with some hot tea and biscuits,
Then shoo-ed me away,
Saying it's busy with higher thoughts and ideas.
At least it told me to phone Brain or Experience,
But i couldnt get through to Brain.
Maybe some synapses are faulty.
Then i tried calling Experience,
But it had some stoopid automated voice that says:
"Experience is currently away on a crusade for pleasure,
Kindly leave your message after the beep.
Beep."
Oh well, i thought,
I could do with some pleasure as well.
Who needs to decipher dreams,
When pleasure is at hand.
*grinz*
*hangs a Do-Not-Disturb sign*

The importance of honouring one's promise
 
 
prom·ise    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (prms)n.

A declaration assuring that one will or will not do something; a vow.
Something promised.
Indication of something favorable to come; expectation: a promise of spring in the air.
Indication of future excellence or success: a player of great promise. v. prom·ised, prom·is·ing, prom·is·es v. tr.

To commit oneself by a promise to do or give; pledge: left but promised to return.
To afford a basis for expecting: thunderclouds that promise rain. v. intr.

To make a declaration assuring that something will or will not be done.
To afford a basis for expectation: an enterprise that promises well.
 
Words should not lose their meanings.
Neither should actions betray what words espouses.
And of coz,
Words are way too cheap,
Actions should their mettle prove. 
Nuff said.
Oh, and i am waiting.....
In vain, i hope not.
In despondence, i wait not.
For with expectations,
Which a promise denotes,
Arises a possibility,
Of bitter disappointment.
I shall wait.
I am the pattern of all patience.

The Great Pretender
 
I ask myself,
Why do i do the things i do?
What do i actually pursue?
Sometimes i cant comprehend myself.
An unfolding enigma,
Which is articulated at once,
And yet a swirling disguise in another.
Sometimes, i think i know why,
Other times i think not.
I daydream too much.
My head's way high up,
Mingling with the clouds,
Obscuring what i should have seen.
The problem has always been me.
I'm always my worst enemy.
I sabotage myself,
At times when success is nigh.
I lie to myself,
At times when honesty is crucial.
I delude myself,
When all i need is to see reality.
There are more than two sides to me.
Multi-faceted i would say.
However,
Darkness has reigned for too long,
Hope has long been vanquished.
I dont hope nowadays,
Unless it's for some outcomes,
In which the dice has already been cast.
It's more futile hope than optimism.
A classic example of delusion.
Do i lose myself?
Or am i found?
If so, by whom?
On this road less travelled,
I stumble and fall,
Scraped my knees,
Bruised my hands.
Bleary-eyed i squinted,
At filtered images,
Ghosting past,
Taunting me.
I cant decipher,
The whispers of fleeting winds.
Forlorn and forgotten,
I stumble no more.
Weary legs refuse,
To obey an exhausted mind.
I collapse,
In a frazzled heap.
I no longer believe,
That i can make it out,
Of this encircling woods.
There i wait,
And prayed,
For the solace that my mind pines.
For the love that my heart pursues.
For the mastery that my body warrants.
Do i wait forever?
Or do i stumble on?
 
 
 

I fear
 
For a little while last night,
I was afraid.
A panic of terror seized me,
When i realised that i could lose easily,
What had took me a long long time to find.
I dont wish to exist,
On vestiges of happiness.
I dont wish to remember,
Memories,
When i cant create anymore.
I'm afraid of falling.
Who doesnt?
I'm as fragile as the situation dictates,
Who's fickle?
The arrestation of fear made me tremble,
And i hid under the relative safety of my blanket.
More thoughts,
And i surmised.
I dont cave in that easily.
That the initial fear was one of reflex reaction,
And not deliberate.
I dont give up without a fight.
I'm tenacious.
I will try my bloody best,
To stem the flow,
From which the fear begun its course.
I can do more than just fearing.
The fear that consumed me,
Could just as easily infect someone else,
And i cant allow that to happen.
With a steely resolve,
I write,
I wrote.
And i extinguished my demons.
 

Verbal inaptitude
 
Early morning's dreary rain and grey skies didnt stop me,
From having fun and laughter all the same.
And i have the cranky buggers to thank for this undiluted happiness.
I'm very glad that i joined Arts camp,
Though it's so not me to do this kinda stuff,
The bummer that i am.
Anyways,
Shall keep this entry short,
Coz i seem to be pretty hot on MSN,
With half the world initiating conversations with moi.
Think a couple of months away from school,
Without any substantial desire to read anything,
I seem to have lost my ability to translate thoughts into simple sentences,
Neither do i have that past capacity to iron out complex thoughts.
Oh well....
The sacrifice for months of bumming and late wakings...
Life is fair, isnt it?
You win some, you lose some.
It's all a matter of coming to terms with what Life deals.
I cant wait for school to start.
I cant believe i juz said that.
It's so ironic.
And yay...
Blue-green fonts.
This is way cool.
 
 

Looking through a glass, rose, darkly.

Havent blogged in like 1 week.
In blogging terms of time and space,
That is a rather lengthy period.
Which is usually characterised,
By certain personal developments,
Which thus leaves one without the desire nor strength,
To contemplate and leave the resulting prints online.
It has been an eventful one week.
I've visited dear old Esplanade for like 5 or 6 times past week.
I could almost find my way there blind-folded.
Or by juz sniffing the surrounding air.
However, much as i complain,
I feel an attachment for that place,
With its seraphic merlion and almost-romantic intimate winds.
Coz it is this place where i had several engaging conversations,
Which gave me warmth and made me smile.
And right now,
I'm viewing the world,
Through rose-tinted glasses.
It does give me a certain sense of anxiety
As i know that this hue wont last forever.
Neither would it be beneficial to always see things in rosy hues.
I'm not an optimist,
Most of the time,
Or so it seems.
Things are no longer that sombre and dismal,
Or so, as i view them,
And as i view myself.
Obviously,
There are still lots for myself to achieve and adapt to,
But right now,
I do approach them with much more self-belief and fortitude.
I've met friends whom i havent seen in ages,
And feel the same delightful charms and warmth emanating
From fond familiar faces.
It's like they've never left.
Steady footsteps,
On this new chapter of my life.
I cant ask for anything more.
And i dont.
It's so easy to preach,
And tell people to appreciate what they have at this instance of life,
But it's more difficult,
To slow down to a halt,
And look around,
See people for who they are,
Love them for who they are and have been,
And thank them for being there in your life.
And for me,
This silent appreciation is long over-dued,
And i am appreciating still.
Many wont read this,
Nor hear my thanks,
But i believe my silent prayers will reach them,
Latently or otherwise.

A beam of sunshine

Four days have elapsed.
Four happy days.
Four buoyant days.
I go to bed everynight,
Anticipating tomorrow's arrival,
Another conversation,
Another meeting.
I've been careful,
Not to step on thorny paths,
Preferring to keep the boulevard clean and honest.
However,
Much as i try,
It is not as yet possible.
I have faltered a little,
Stumbled a little,
But managed to regain my balance.
I cant afford to make a mistake.
I dont want to lose my joy.
I dislike lengthy loneliness.
I want my dreams to come true.
I know there will be darkness and storms ahead,
But tempests dont last,
And i know that as long as we believe,
That the clouds will clear,
There will be sunlight again.
My beam of sunshine,
A resplendent radiance.
My very joy.

I'm not in love

I've juz downed a whole tub of Ben n Jerry's,
To try and dull the pain,
But it juz doesnt go away.
The acute pain in my jaws only serve to accentuate
The numbing pain in my heart,
So much for ice-cream being comfort food.
I'm anything but comforted.
I'm guilty.
I'm confused.
I'm lost.
I feel like a jerk.
If only you people know about what i've done.
(that wasnt aimed at you jon)
Much as i try,
I cant seem to do anything right.
Deep down,
I know what i have to do,
Yet my resolve failed me,
At the most critical period.
And now the tangle's more complex,
And i'm stuck in between.
Four more days left.
I've gotta right all the wrongs.
I've gotta let my heart speak.
I've gotta let my actions prove.
I've gotta say all that i want to.
I've gotta make the right decisions.
I've gotta stick to them.
I've gotta tell her.

Women, not girls, rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age woman, not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl?
You don't have to watch Dynasty
To have an attitude
You just leave it all up to me
My love will be your food

You don't have to be rich to be my girl
You don't have to be cool to rule my world
Ain't no particular sign, I'm more compatible with,
I just want your extra time and your KISS

Jerk

I have been such a complete jerk.
It aint easy being the bad guy,
As i've always tried to play the good guy.
But where does it all land me?
Right where i've always been.
The wasteland of emptiness, disappointments and loneliness.
I've been told to buzz off and disappear for good.
Maybe i should.
But it wouldnt solve anything.
Sigh...
But as sure as the rain will fall,
I'm juz as sure that the sun will shine again.
Maybe the season's turning colder,
But i'm always here,
If you ever need me.
Right now,
In all these dark despairs,
I know there's a light,
Shining for me,
Waiting for me to reach out,
For its warmth and love.
I juz hope this light doesnt extinguish,
Before i reach for it.
For if it does,
The resulting total darkness might be too much for me to handle.
I'm holding on,
To this promise,
Of happiness and salvation.
But the day i reach out for the light,
Will be the day i'm finally prepared,
To accept its possible loss.
When?

Bloody braces

Went to the clinic with fear,
Amounting to trepidation.
But my worries were in vain,
Coz all the equipments looked harmless to me.
A bit of soft bristles,
A lil' glue here and there,
Basically no sharp and pain-inducing objects.
And there was no pain.
But,
I'm irritable and angsty now.
I'm pissed that plans for malaysia seafood have to be postponed.
I'm annoyed that i'll have to endure a new round of suan-nings,
From 'well-intentioned' buggers.
18 bloody months.
It's almost as long as NS.
I cant believe it!!!
The sheer agony....
I shall die from pining for the day to arrive.....
Anyway,
To all those poor pple who have endured,
Or are gonna endure my incessant whinings,
Erm....
I'm not gonna thank you all,
Coz i feel that i am entitled to whine for today,
And tomorrow and tomorrow,
But i shall show u all my pearlies when the irritating metal is gone.
Meanwhile,
Be irritated by me.
And my braces.
Now my bite's worse.
Beware.

Belief - The promise of hope

After what seems,
An eternity of fallen hopes;
Announcing its timely arrival,
A peeled-peach hue,
Assuredly peeks out,
And swirls of roses,
And buttercups,
And daffodils,
Arise from their wilting slumber,
Acknowledging with a curt bow,
And thus the beginning,
A promise of sun-kissed pastures,
Acrid hearts warmed,
Answered prayers,
A ray of light.

*** to be continued and edited ***

Too Fast Too Furious

Now that my elation has subsided,
I begin to think,
Think about whether my odds are high or low.
Obviously,
On the surface it seems pretty high,
But on the other hand,
Like what i told a certain T,
"Do not mistake friendliness for attraction."
I would want to hold true to what i've said,
But despite saying this,
I have reservations.
Sometimes we read too much,
And mistake coincidences for signs,
Signs that we infer,
And interpret to our whims and fancies.
Other times,
We fail to see or grasp small obvious actions/words,
And end up juz as lost as before.
I'm not in the mood to assume, to infer and interpret.
For either of the above that i do,
I'll only wander further from the actuality of the situation,
Then to trip and plunge back when reality hits.
What then do i do?
Do i sit back?
Or do i pursue?
Or do i do what i usually do -
Strike and withdraw, continuously?
I havent given much thoughts to this question yet,
And i'm sure it'll bother me for some time to come.
Obviously,
There has to be concerted action at some point of time,
However,
The judgment of this time could be the Deus ex Machina.
I juz pray that i dont falter,
Before the end is nigh.
And i believe:
A river will always find its way to the sea,
However long and winding the journey.

Someday we'll know

Ever had times where you lost all directions,
Juz floating aimlessly,
Like a piece of driftwood,
Not knowing where waves will sweep you to,
Fretting and worrying,
About your destination,
About the final outcome,
Imagining all the possible outcomes,
And telling yourself,
That you wont end up happy,
Coz you dont think you deserve any happiness,
But concurrently wishing,
Juz wishing,
With all your heart,
That the outcome will be a happy one,
That you will find happiness,
That your dream will come true?
I'm currently not as lost as i was before.
I am currently seeing things in past, present and future,
Neatly compartmentalized.
I know who belongs to the Past,
Who are in my Present,
And who i want in my Future.
How much clearer can i get?
Right now, my mum's fretting over me,
Like a lil' kid,
Juz coz i'm a lil' ill,
And i'm loving every minute of it.
Seriously,
Sometimes i think that guys do too much fretting and pampering,
That they feel juz that little bit empty inside,
If the fretting and pampering are not reciprocated.
We do yearn to love and be loved in return,
However,
Sometimes it's not possible.
And my dad's changed a lot over the 4 days i've been away.
1st of all,
He stopped betting on soccer liaoz,
With Euro still on,
I cant believe it.
2nd,
He joined this 'Philosophy of Life' thingy,
And is now so much more contemplative,
So much more less lazy(i need this course too),
And his tutor told him not to talk for 12 hrs after the lesson,
And reflect more,
Which is what he did,
So all communication with him was in hand signs and writings.
It's pretty damn funny i tell you.
3rd,
He went to an appointment 1/2 hr early juz now.
I cant rem the time he was early for anything,
Which is so much like me(or else why would he be my dad?)
Furby is fat!
Cant believe how much he grew in the short space of 4 days.
I wonder how he can still hop around with all those fats.
Haha!!
My sis's gonna kill me for saying he's fat.
Maybe a reason is coz i wasnt around to give him his daily exercises.
(read: dangling a piece of plastic in front of him and making him chase in vain)
And chatted a bit with my two sis over lunch.
So family relations is now pretty harmonious and good,
And i'm elated about that.
I shall try not think so much about other not-so-happy stuff,
And focus on my current bliss.
And i cant seem to stop blogging,
Maybe it's some withdrawal symptom.

Someday we'll know

90 miles outside chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the titanic cry
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you
I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask god just one question
Why aren't you here with me
Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you
Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the One for you

Parting is such sweet sorrow

After 14 hours of sleep,
I'm still in a daze,
Characterized by thoughts that i'm floating.
Is it remnants of the euphoria from arts camp?
Or is it due to my body being unaccustomed to so much sleep?
The past four days have been brillant.
Meeting new people,
Knowing more about people i'm already acquainted with,
Shouting myself hoarse,
Being occupied for the whole day till early morning,
Electrified by the bouyant atmosphere,
Had one of my best clubbing experiences,
And of coz,
Having won best OG.
Anyway,
Everything seems so surreal to me right now.
Maybe it's juz coz i'm a lil' ill.
Suffering from fatigue,
Lack of sleep,
Sore throat,
Loss of voice,
Bouts of sneezing fits.
How i muz try to psyche my body for a couple more weeks of soccer.
And of coz i think the Eng-Por game is so damn kelong.
People who said Eng dont deserve to win gotta see the other perspective.
Por didnt play all that well in the group stages;
Spain had to lose to them coz they are host,
And few hosts fail to make it past the group stages.
And of coz,
The linesman gave the campbell goal,
Which was over-ruled by the bloody referee.
Oh well,
The injustice of football is its very beauty.
I shall juz revel in all the footy action i can.

Furby

Not too long ago,
My sis bought a dog.
A shitzu actually.
Now,
This dog is named Furby.
It's only 3 months old.
A bundle of fur and yelps.
However,
This is not why i'm writing all these.
Since i'll be away for a camp for 5 days,
I shall leave you all with something hilarious.

Situation: Parents and sis and me and dog in living room.
Action: Dad and sis teaching dog to sit quietly on command.
Me: Reading papers, with one eye on them.
Dad: "Sit."
Dog continues jumping.
Dad: "Sit!!!"
Dog continues jumping.
Sis: "Lemme try. Furby, sit down." (waves a piece of biscuit in front of dog)
Dog sits reluctantly and expectantly.
Dad: "Good boy."
Dog runs off after munching biscuit.
Dad (yells after dog): "Furby! Come back here!!"
Dog gnaws at a piece of newspaper.
Sis: "Naughty boy!!"

Mum makes her grand entrance into this piece of action

Mum: "Told you all that he's a little deaf."
(To sis) : "See lah, spend all your hard earned $ on this deaf dog!"
Sis: "He's not deaf lah. Stop saying he's deaf." (coos to now resting dog)
Mum(adamantly): "You dont me believe me is it? I'll show you."
Mum to dog(claps her hands to catch its attention): "Bobby! Come here!"

All(in exasperation and laughter): "He's not called Bobby lah!!"

What can i say!?
Was still giggling to myself while i was bathing.
Cant believe it man!
My mum is damn funny,
In her own peculiar ways.
The only reason why she called the dog 'Bobby',
Is coz she cant pronounce 'Furby' properly.
And till now,
She's still insisting that the dog is deaf.
Haha....

Nice guy

Been very busy these few days,
Which is highly unusual for a bummer of my calibre.
Euro and Arts camp preparations are taking the life out of me.
I can prepare to fall ill anytime.
Right now,
I'm unshaven,
With deep dark eyebags,
Skinnier from missing breakfast and lunch,
Pimples from midnight patronages of Al Amin and Fong Seng,
Unfit from the lack of weekly dosages of soccer games,
Intellectually disabled,
By 'seeing' only in figures...
Even though i've been winning $,
My heart's shrouded in a mist of gloom.
Swirls of guilt engulfed my mind for the majority of the day.
Like the saying goes (in chinese),
"You win in love matters,
And you'll fail in your gambles."
And so i've been winning most of the time in soccer-betting,
Which translates into a prophetic failure in matters of the heart.
So much for the 'tao hua'(cherry blossom) that dropped on my lap during a haircut.
So much for me being installed as joint favourite with Edwin,
7/4 are the odds i think,
To be the next in line to leave the Lonely Hearts Club.
Oh well,
For all of you who are thinking of placing a bet on me,
Donate your $,
Coz i can assure you that i wont be.
I've juz gotten out of a tricky and potentially flammable situation,
With only guilt etched in my mind.
I've been inappropriate and insensitive.
However,
By trying to rescind this guilt of mine,
I've found out something new about myself.
How do i put it?
I desired to be liked.
I want my reputation to precede me.
How hypocritical and how real am i?
Vanity? Pride? Ego?
I always want to be seen and judged in the best possible light,
Which simply means that i would want the best for others,
By offering my services and efforts,
And by subduing my natural inclinations to serve Self.
And the unhappiness that has plagued me for such length,
Seems to stem from this observation.
So it seems to me that i am mis-placing my priorities.
I'm far from being altruistic.
And here i am putting people's judgments of me,
On a higher plane than my own very happiness.
"Ask and you shall have"
I've always thought that if someone wanted to give,
They would do so sincerely,
And there's no need for me to ask.
So far,
Over 20 plus years,
This belief has failed to serve its master.
Yet i stubbornly stuck by it,
And endured being tortured by subsequent unhappiness and disappointments.
Obviously there's a need for balance,
As in most situations.
But i continue to be tilted.
A pendulum that has forgotten to swing back.
So far,
I've slammed myself for being
Guilt-ridden,
Insensitive and inappropriate,
Hypocritical and unreal,
Vain proud egoistical,
Priority mis-management,
Stubborn to a fault.
How can anyone with all these 'qualities',
Be given odds of 7/4 to get attached anytime soon?
And no,
I'm not low on self-esteem or confidence,
The opposite really,
I'm buzzing from an over-dose of the above two.
But i need to give myself timely reminders,
That i am not perfect,
Not invincible,
Not a winner everytime,
Not the man i want to be yet,
Not living a dream,
Not the dream,
Not others' dream.
I think about how much i know,
And i recoil in fear,
Over how much i dont know,
And how much of what i think i know,
Is in fact misplaced perceptions,
That i dont really have a clue,
And i'm in La-la land still.
I blame my unhappiness on others,
Without thinking about the faults of mine,
Which far surpasses any apparent faults of others.
I need to master Self.
I need to be true.
Can i do it alone?
Or would someone else lessen this burden?
Maybe it has always been a puzzle designed to be pieced by Self,
And not Others.
Happened to be listening to Elton's Sacrifice right now,
And i think: How apt!!!

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

Heartbroken

Oh how my poor poor heart has suffered.
How it pained me to see bloody becks strutting like a model,
On a bloody football pitch.
And how the papers were gonna praise becks to high heavens should England had won.
The injustice of it all.
The french goals and the credits.
How it irks me.
I could write an essay,
But i juz dont really feel like slamming anyone right now.
Sigh...
England and penalties.
The cruel twist of fate.
I juz wanna sleep away my disappointment.
Lucky it's not a q-final or s-final game,
Or i shall be damn damn pissed.
Oh yeah,
And if there's still anyone who thinks Beckham is a worldclass football player,
Pls gimme a call,
And i'll make sure you wake up your idea!!!
And if anyone is thinking of trying to irritate me with eng taunts,
Pls reserve that effort,
Coz if irritated when in a bad mood,
Which i shall be for tomorrow,
I'll retaliate,
And probably not in words.
So there...
I'm still fuming mad.
But i gotta agree,
That has got to be one of the most dramatic comebacks since Munich '99,
Which is good for football.
Nothing is predictable.
Nothing is for sure.
And dont count your chickens before they hatch.
It's a bad habit.

Influence

And so Portugal flopped in the first game.
Credit to Greece though,
They played pretty compact and solid football.
Spain was impressive,
Very impressive i would say.
The way Portugal was built up by the media to be favourites,
Obviously heightened expectations of them.
And suddenly,
Over the past two weeks,
They became, in people's minds,
A worldclass team,
Capable of beating any team.
However,
The ability of that team hasnt changed a single bit over the 2 weeks,
It's juz how we have gotten influenced by so-called experts and pundits,
That Portugal is actually a worldclass team.
I dont have any grudges against them though,
Even though they made me lost big $ on them in the last world cup.
It's juz that,
I'm amazed by how succeptible we are to being influenced by what we read, hear and infer.
Seriously,
I'm a lil' bothered by these subliminal and conscious influences,
As i'm a betting man.
Like a pendulum i swing,
With different reports on teams and matches.
That is why i'm refraining from betting on the opening games,
So that i can better judge,
On my own account and verdict,
On which teams to stake on.
Rather than rely on others,
Trust yourself.
'Success has many relatives, but failure is an orphan.'
I think when one fails,
He usually will be left alone to pick himself up.
Sometimes we dont know when that failure would come.
Other times,
We expect to fail,
And thus refrain from attempting certain actions.
It's easy to say that one shouldnt be afraid to fail,
But it's like saying: No one would judge you if you should fail.
Wrong!
Obviously,
We are gonna be judged by others,
Whether we succeed or fail.
And most of the times,
It's a fear of these unsavoury judgments that we try not to fail,
Or not try at all.
I always believed in the means more than the ends,
Which means,
The process of doing something is more important than the end product itself.
This is open for debate,
And i do see the other side of the coin.
In the end, results matter,
But if we choose to view things in a long-term perspective,
I would say that the process of learning is far more superior than achieving certain objectives at a given time period.
But since we are all 'free' people,
We are liable to have differing viewpoints.
But we are also 'gracious' people,
So we can accomodate to others' idiosyncrasies.
If this is the case,
Then why are there still bloody bigots irritating the hell out of me?
Maybe i should try seeing things from their oh-so-narrow perspectives,
But that would mean i would have difficulty breathing.
Oh well,
They have their rights i guess.
But i juz wanna say: their bloody rights end where mine begins.

Kickoff

20 hrs and counting...
This is so exciting.
I havent been so excited for a long time.
After being starved of any serious football for 1 month,
I cant wait for Euro to start.
As a long-suffering England fan,
All i can say is:
Pray for David James.
He needs it.
Anyway,
Euro kicks off another stint of gambling.
Maybe we can beat the bookies at their game this time.
Yah right.
And obviously,
Something else got my adrenalin pumping.
http://premierleague.fantasyleague.com/Index.aspx
After the relative success of the EPL fantasy league,
We are back fighting for bragging rights.
Tabby won that one.
Speaking of which,
Arent we supposed to pool $ to bet on the eventual winner?
Someone isnt doing his job.
Get your ass down to it.
Seng, if you are still not comprehending,
It means, collate the $ and teams before kickoff.
I'm well prepared for Euro,
With its early morning kickoffs,
As i've been sleeping at 6 am everyday.
Plus,
I've stocked up on lots of chips for those lucky buggers,
Who are gonna mess up my place,
And without gratitude nor cleaning up.
Also,
I've polished off all my fruits,
So i wont have those buggers ransacking my fridge.
Lastly,
I've saved up quite a tidy sum,
To lose eventually to the bloody bookies.
And that euro fantasy league gave me such a headache,
Deciding who to partner Henry in my Dream team.
Of coz i shall keep my team a secret,
Lest some of those buggers try to copy.
It's time for some real footy people.
Rejoice!!!

Avarice

Oh!
And so i was accused of avarice/greed today.
Not in terms of material pursuits though.
Which looms in the distant with the impending Euro 04,
And my eventual part time gambling stint.
Anyway,
I was said to be greedy,
In terms of skirt chasing.
Lemme explain...
Obviously,
The comment wasnt a conclusion on my personality,
Or a damning charge.
However,
I felt the need to redress the injustice which i thought wasnt warranted.
Anyway,
For one to be pinned as greedy,
One would need to have something,
And still desired for more.
After acquiring more of that something,
One would still have an insatiable drive for more.
So the first premise here is that,
One needs to have something in the first place,
And the second premise would then swing in,
By desiring more of that something after initially acquiring it.
If the 1st premise is unsupported or inconclusive,
Then the 2nd premise wouldnt stand.
So i was charged with being greedy in my skirt-chasing,
With several names being brought up.
With all due honesty,
S is only a friend. Nothing more.
J is impossible. For now.
P? I've only seen her once. Hello!?
PP? I've juz got acquainted with her.
Obviously there are gonna be girls in my life.
However,
People seems to be missing the crucial point.
I am still a bachelor, alone, all by myself, unattached, single, available etc....
So there's no premise/grounds for surmising that i am greedy in the first place.
How can i be greedy when i have no one to call my own?
And obviously,
Humans are potentially more self-serving,
And knowing more girls doesnt neccessarily equate to being a two-timing bugger?
Who am i two-timing in the 1st place?
And obviously(again),
Why certain names are being brought up again and again,
Are coz i am attracted to certain qualities that those few girls emanate.
However,
To say that i am chasing them is wrong to a fault.
To say that i am in love with either is again unprovable.
To say that i am greedy is flawed.
But,
To say that i havent considered them as potentials is also misleading.
Which leads to my last point,
People,
I know you are all concerned,
Albeit a little about me,
And more about gossiping,
But when the time comes,
And the girl sashays into my life,
All will be duly informed...
And of coz,
I am a one-woman only guy.
Not that i only have eyes and heart for one woman,
But rather,
I would in no circumstance consider two-timing.
Afterall,
One character of my name (chinese) is Loyalty.
So spare me the verdict.
There's no crime in the first place.

Fitful silent dreams

Smell of mud on a black creek,
High stillness of primeval forest,
Rioting invasion of soundless life,
Shiny patches.
Moon spread over thin layer of silver,
A great river, glittering,
As it flowed broadly without a murmur.
A flavour of mortality.
A taint of death.
Fragmented and coherent.
Do you see?
A dream.
Absurdity, surprise, bewilderment.
In a tremor of struggling revolt,
Notion of being captured,
By the incredible,
The very essence of dreams.
Its truth, its meaning,
- Its subtle and penetrating essence.
Impossible.
We live as we dream, alone...
Like a charm,
Treacherous appeal to lurking death,
To hidden devil,
To profound darkness of its heart.
Feared neither God nor devil,
Let alone any mere man.
Joyless brillance of sunshine.
Another existence perhaps.
Unrestful noisy dreams,
Overwhelming realities,
Implacable force brooding,
Over inscrutable intention.
The chance to find yourself,
Your own reality,
Silence driven away.

1 Egg and 1 Plain

When we thought he had reached the pinacle,
We thought wrong.
Oh so wrong.
Seng da man has done it again.
It's pretty damn wasted,
That we didnt bother to jot down all his pearls of 'wisdom'.
It would definitely be a best seller.
Rule the roost in the Self-help section.
I shall try,
With this entry,
To immortalize his quotes.
Else,
They'll only be destined to be occassionally brought up,
And remind us of how kok one can be.

S: "No plain where got plaster?"
Someone: "So what you want?"
S: "I'll have 1 egg and 1 plain."

With this,
The hairball has done it again.
Granted,
Sometimes his philosophies have us clutching at our hair,
But other times,
They were welcome entertainment,
With a huge dosage of laughter added in for good measure.
Socrates?
Nah!!!
We have Seng, our dearest captain.
Haha...
I dedicate this post to you.
We do have very kok characters among us.
Whatz with one who likes to dangle when he's out?
Whatz with another who likes to wear pink panties?
Oh, and i forgot to add,
His twin has the same fetish.
Gosh!!!
I'm mixing with a weird bunch.
Which means,
Implicitly,
I'm wierd too.
A toast to wierd-ness.
A toast to years of solidarity.
A toast to more years to come.
A toast to more quotes.
A toast to more memorable memories.
And a toast to Reccos.
Will the real kok-ster please stand up!?
Please stand up.
Cheers!!!